Author CryingCanuck Posted July 17, 2006 Author Share Posted July 17, 2006 Thanks for the advice, The converdation I had was with my eldest son and he's 21, what I said was that he didn't remember what happened 13 years ago. He's an adult, not a teen and he's also a friend not just my son. But you;re very correct in a lot of what you said, but at tiems doing what might sound to be the right thing can be the wrong thing for other reasons. I'm not puching a reconsiliation, I'm moving on, slowly but surely. CC Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted July 25, 2006 Author Share Posted July 25, 2006 before my W moves to another city. I thought I was prepared for this, I've known it now for 6 weeks and I thought that I would just let it go and move on, but the pain I'm feeling these past couple of days has been unbearable at times. My son's feel it also, we're all so tense and in some ways can't wait for the move simply so that we might get our lives back, but is that the reason. My W and I have had next to no contact for the past week or so and it appears that when she leaves that the contact will remain dead. I know that time heals all wounds but with this new chapter, I just don't know .... Anyway thought for those that are interested I would bring you up to date. PS Where is UKsurfer these days? I sure hope he's OK...... Also, the D, loved rading about your bathroom.... and the girly stuff..... Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Sorry, CC. That's all. Just sorry you hurt. :( What would make you feel better--knowing you can't change things. What do you do to console yourself, other than hang out on the Shack? Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 CC, just take one moment at a time. Believe me, I've cried my fair share of tears these last few weeks too. And I had to stay strong because I couldnt let my family know I was still crying. They would worry too much, so I had to do my crying in private, and put on a brave face while moving. But it's ok to grieve. It's better to let it out now, then having to deal with unresolved emotions in the future. It's hard to go through change, especially change that we didnt want. But it will pass, and you will heal. We might not have chosen this path, but if that's where life is directing us, (and I do believe it is for a reason, even if it's not clear to us right now) then it's up to us to make the best of it. You have an opportunity now to evaluate what really works for you, and what you really want in life, and go for it. It's a scary responsibility, but it's also liberating. We have to get back in control of our happiness. You have to find something to get excited about. Even if you gotta fake it. In a few months, you'll be proud of yourself and how you took control of your life. It's espeically satisfying doing things our spouses would have hated Like my girly bathroom, you could have a cigar and playboy room. Get a black light and smoke machine for your bedroom. I donno lol Something really masculine that you always wanted but never could have Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Everything Dgiirl said! She's absolutely right. You don't let this thing beat you. Go ahead and feel your feelings when you need to. And at other times.... "fake it 'til you make it". This is temporary, CC. It's the rollercoaster of emotions, and this is just another dip. They'll get fewer and further between. Have faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted July 26, 2006 Author Share Posted July 26, 2006 Yeah a roller coaster is it..... One minute counting th eminutes for her departure the next dreading it. No smoking room fo rthi sole guy, I promised myself once she moves the boys and I are done with smoking..... This house will be a smoke free environment, I didn;t smoke when I met her but picked it up when we got engaged, hmmmm was something trying to tell me something even back then? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 No smoking room fo rthi sole guy, I promised myself once she moves the boys and I are done with smoking..... This house will be a smoke free environment, I didn;t smoke when I met her but picked it up when we got engaged, hmmmm was something trying to tell me something even back then? See... that's already ONE new thing you're going to be doing. Very cool. It might make you feel better too if you share some of your insight with guys who aren't as far down the pike as you are here at LS. I've seen your posts from time to time on other threads and found them to be compassionate and helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted July 26, 2006 Author Share Posted July 26, 2006 I'll try to add my two cents when I think I might be of some help. Isn't it ironic how being on the out side we have some answers that really on the inside are staring us right in the face but refuse to see them? The next week I think will be tough but I'll perservere, if not for myself then for the boys. They know I'm inpain at times and try so hard to make me feel better but they are also. Want to know the strangest thing though, I really haven;t given up, not totally, my head says yes but my heart still says there is a chance this can be repaired sometime down the road.... But I now believe your heart is the last to really let go. One last thing for tonight, seems I tend to do thing backwards, most people I talk to say they have lost a lot of weight since the beginning of their problems, I GAINED 20 LBS............... Gym I know I should have been going before, but now I have no choice or I might get harpooned when I go to PEI for my vacation in August..... someone mistaking me for a beached whale...... D< I sure hope you're not hanging ladies undies over the tub...... If you are let me know and I'll send you an apartment clothes dryer...... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 The next week I think will be tough but I'll perservere, if not for myself then for the boys. They know I'm inpain at times and try so hard to make me feel better but they are also. Have you thought about maybe taking a bit of a summer vacation with the boys? Even if you can't afford to go all out... day trips and activities together would be a good opportunity for male bonding. I think it's important for all of you to work towards continuity of family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted July 27, 2006 Author Share Posted July 27, 2006 As I'm writing this, my W came ot the house to say goodbye, no more tears from me I think I've cried myself out. Originally she was supposed to visit every second week, but now it's maybe once a month and she will be staying somewhere else but not here. The time for healing has officially begun, time to stop wishing and stop thinking of the maybe's but to get over this failure and move on. What is it 1 to 2 months for every year together.....before the pain is FULLY healed...... 24-48 months down the road I'll be normal again... Oh Joy....................... Well thanks guys, I'll lurk around here but try not to dump too much on you folks.... Uk Good luck Mate LJ thanks for your support D---aka T Thanks hun, you are a blessing in so many ways. Gunny --- Thanks for the insight. The rest who have tried to help and lend support, thanks to all of you. CC signing off maybe not for good but for a while, time to work on some healing. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 Take care CC... Keep us posted on your coping.... Best of luck ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 CC, take the time you need! This past year, I've found myself needing breaks from time to time, but I always end up coming back when I'm stronger. And dont feel guilty for dumping. That's what the forum is for! And heck, I'm much further along than all of you, and I still do my fair share of dumping. Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself! We'll be here when/if you need us. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 Just letting you know you're in my prayers for shalom--total health, peace, wholeness, harmony. Throw in cosmic awareness and hippie beads and you can go totally granola with your new no-smoking lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 Peek in and let us know how you're doing every now and then, Canuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 to you and yours. This is "do-able" and surviorable! There's is life the otherside of this! Getting physical really helps. Now would be a good time to hit the gym! I would really recommend taking up walking, jogging, running. Get busy getting busy. For some ~ it was cleaning. Now would be a great time to build something, paint something. Come back and see us from time to time and let us know how your doing! LOL! I was kind of shock that you mentioned me in your farewell? My being a Redneck and all. I've learned from you ~ you've learned from me! That's what this life is all about ~ learning. We're not just Earthly beings having a spiritual experience ~ we're Spiritual beings having an Earthly experience. That's all this life and this world is ~ just a big hugh classroom for us to grow spirtiually, and to grow and become closer to God! God Bless, Bro! We're here for you, if and when you need us! Guns Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 Hi all, most who know me, know I've been lurking around but not posting much here, as I wanted some time to heal and get on with my life. I've been away on vacation for a spell played some golf, and relaxed with very good friends. I got back on the weekend and my W was here apparently looking after things while I was away... What a joke, apparently she spent more time with her 25 year old friends than she did with her own kids but my eldest finally let her have it. He simply told her that she shouldn't bother coming back since it's not them she is coming back to see. Apparently the week was so stressful. I asked about August 24th.... Guess.... It's our 23rd today, I was thinking of calling her but won't.... Lj if you're around you did tell me not to never say never becasue it's a long way, and you're so right, I'm actually now thinking of applying for a divorce to maybe get closure to this, thinking only at this time, not going to act on it yet, simply because I'm not emotionally ready yet but at least it's now on the table. I'm doing OK guys, I have some rough moments but generally I'm getting my life back in order to some extent, trying to move on, slowly but going in one direction now, no longer all over the place.... My HEX still wants to come here every two weeks to visit the kids during the week while I'm at work and I originally said that it was OK and will stick to it, but I really don't want her here anymore, I still have to list the house, I've been holding back simply because I didn't want to admit it was over but it truly is, I don't want her back, I can't ever trust her again, I want her totally out of my life and I want to start living again.... Things here are in so many ways so good with the boys, we have all stopped smoking and it's at times stressful, but hell, we're doing it and it's going to do wonders for their self esteme...... That's about it for now you guys............... As always, will be lurking............. CC Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 CC, I was adamant I wouldnt file either. Guess what, I filed! I realized my exh was selfish enough to just leave me without trying to work on the relationship, he'd be selfish enough not to file either. As our mutual friend told me, "He doesn't want a divorce, he just doesnt want to be married. There's a difference. And right now, he's living as if he's not married, so he has no reason to file for a divorce." I was in limbo for 5 months, 3 of them he kept saying week after week he'd get the papers filed. 3 months of that heartache, I finally had enough and filed. It was the best decision i ever did! Asshat got served at work from a huge ass intimidating bailif Asshat even shared the story with me lol. File when you are ready, but dont expect the exw to be noble enough to do what's right. She hasnt in the recent past, why would she start now? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 And, to be honest with you, you'll probaly have some more of them to come. Just keep moving forward, file when you're emotionally in a good place, and when you're ready. There's no timetable, and there's no hurry. Take your time, unless of course you got another Mrs. CC waiting in the wings, which you've already said that you're not even up for casual non-committal dating right now. So, I would just take my time with it. Its doesn't sound to me that you're ready although it does sound as though you're moving in that direction now~ don't cofuse the two ~ there's a difference. There is life after divorce CC. I've sixteen years the otherside of it. I was with another woman for six-and-a-half years of those sixteen, who I describe as being almost the perfect woman for me, at the wrong time and at the wrong place in my life. She was from one state and I from another. She couldn't leave her family ~ and I had to come home to mine. I'm not living my live through nor for my children and GS, but for all intensts and purposes they're the only family I've got left. So, I made the decision to come back home when I retired from the Marines. I'm glad I did. In the end it worked out for the best. When she and I broke up, I just decided that I needed to give this dating and mating business a break, and get my life in order where I wanted and need it to be. Mentally, emotoinally, pyschologically, financially. I gave myself a year. Its turned into eight years. And, there's a lot or reasons for that. Its was one part going to college when I got out of the Marines. It was one part having in many ways lived a sheltered life while doing "my twenty" in the Corps. I didn't realized how institionalized I had become by having been in the Corps for 20 years. Its was one part of the "shock" between the world that I had known and the uglinest of life on the street. Its not that I wasn't aware, I just wasn't fully conscious of it. I was very much insulated by the MP's at the front gate that kept it out. Coming full terms with my PTSD, which is really mild by comparrison to others, but I can look back and see how it effected my day to day thinking, and how I was very much in survior mode most of the time. I was, still am, and guess I always will be a gernade with the pin removed. Thing is ~ I've learned that about myself, and have enacted self discipline and self control to contain it. I don't put myself in situations or around people that agitate that. What's helped me the most was having come full circle from where I was, to where I'm at. I can't fully explain that to you through this medium, but you'll recognize it when it comes. It will seem as though your lost, dazed and confused and fumbling and stumbling around in circles, but its part of the process of finding yourself again, and falling back into your life ~ without the X's. Roo put it the best way I've ever heard it, (this is one you want to print off and put on the fridge:) on Milf629's thread: "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -- Siddhartha Buddha In this game for the last sixteen years ~ that's what it comes down to. Its not about your marriage, its not about your wife, its not about what was. Its about you! To me? This life is nothing more than just a cosmic classroom. We're not earthly beings having a spiritual experience, we're spirtiual beings having an earthly experience. And, when we die, we are but returning to our original state, returing to what we were, returning to what we are. Everything that you and I've been through in this life isn't about our earthly experience ~ its about our spiritual experience, and we're being handed some hard and heavy handed lessons about love ~ true love not just passionate love of a intiamate and physical nature ~ but the love of "No greater love is there than a man who is perfectally willing to lay down his life, for that of another!" As a PO, you know that love. You would do it for him or her, becuase you know they would do it for you. Marine's don't die because some jerk of a General full of himself says, "Take that hill!" They die for their fellow Marines. Becuase they know they would take a bullet for them." Ilmw in his signature put it most eloqouently in his quote by Wiston Churchill: "Cowards die many deaths! The brave die but one!" The things I've written above mean somethig deep down and into our soul. That's why we hate we our own breathen betray us. Betray the faith. Dishonor their honor! Disgrace their trust. Disgrace their honor! You? You're having a hard time with this because you are a man of honor. Taking an oath isn't just words to you. When you swore before man and God that you would love, honor and obey ~ you meant it! Even until death do us part! Well CC! You've got to let go! You did your best, Bro! You gave 110%! You've kept up your end of the bargain. Through sickness and health, through richer and poorer" You keep your faith, you've kept your word, you've kept your oath. You've kept you honor! You've kept your honor clean. It need be only Semper Fidelis (Always Faithful) not Semper Mercer (Faithful Unto Death) SemperFi Guns Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Make sure you go out each day, and just rub a little "sunshine" on your face each day!" (Make yourself smile ~ make yourself laugh! The time to get real about you life is right here and right now. This isn't a dress rehearshal) Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Thanks for the update, CC. It's good to hear you finally got out and had a little vacation time. No surprise that I agree with Dgiirl. Go ahead and file whenever it suits YOU. I do think you'll get a sense of "closure" once the divorce is final. If it were me... I wouldn't feel comfortable moving on while I was still married, particular as it applies to dating. My HEX still wants to come here every two weeks to visit the kids during the week while I'm at work and I originally said that it was OK and will stick to it, but I really don't want her here anymore, I still have to list the house, I've been holding back simply because I didn't want to admit it was over but it truly is, I don't want her back, I can't ever trust her again, I want her totally out of my life and I want to start living again.... I'm pleased to hear the your boys stood up for themselves. Your home (and theirs), is not a Motel Six for the wife to conveniently flop at whenever it suits her. So, when you do finally get around to selling the house and getting a new place, I think you'll do well to NOT give her the run of the place. She shouldn't have her own key either. Set your boundaries. If she's not going to be your wife anymore, she can't expect to be treated as such. The best thing about establishing limitations at the outset.... is you don't have to live with your EX up your butt later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 I appreciate your words........... Guns, you;re so right about it just being a bad day, especially with it being our anniversary and all but divorce is no longer out of the question more a matter of when then if but who knows. My HEX called me this morning at the office, she sounded horrible, I asked her initially how she's feeling and she said fine. So I let it at that then mentioned that yesterday was weird, then the flood gates opened on her part telling em that she has been crying for 22 hours straight,,,, GO figure eh? I talked to her a bit about my plans for the future and what I want when she comes to visit the kids. Told her that I will not persue a friendship with her, I will treat her with respect but will not go anywhere with her, I said that we can go for walks if we're up to it but that's as far as I want to go. Told her the house and grounds are off limits to cigarettes and I would appreciate it if she needs one to go for a drive or walk.... She goes on to tell me that she's so angry with me, that her anger hasn't let up and then starts up about what I DID to her 20 years ago and what I apparently did 13 years ago... I stopped her cold and told her that until she learns to forgive herself, forgive what she has done to herself and stop blaming others, especially ME she's never going to get over her anger and I will not discuss things with her until she does... Anyway I set the ground rules on her visiting here and told her that as much as it makes me ill, I've started thinking about divorce proceedings, asked her if she will contest it and she said no but she doesn't want that at all.... Told her I really don't care what she wants now, that whatever happens with MY life is out of her control, just wanted to be sure that I won't get any surprises from her if I do apply sometime down the road. She asked if I would pay for the kids to go visit her, told her simply NO, I've wasted enough money on things and really, she's the one who moved, she is responsible to pay if she wants the kids to visit her ( which I really doubt they want to), she then says " You;re their father,why wouldn't you pay for them to see their mother" I simply said that yes I'm their father, I pay for their upkeep, school, clothes and everything, she should be obligated to help until they are 25 if still in school but I haven't asked her for anything. That shut her up pretty fast. So in the end, she says that this separation has been the hardest thing she has ever done in her life and it hasn't gotten any easier, and that in some ways she feels worse and she thinks she's on the verge of another mental breakdown.... I simply told her to take care of herself and if she feels real bad to check herself into a hospital and that there is nothing I can do anymore to help her... I ended it there......................... Long story but had to get it out.... Feel better now Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 which is necessary for your own good and well being ~ hard~ but necessary. Like the rock climber, that had to cut off his own arm awhile back ~ in order to survive. I admire your courage and strength, becuase I personally know how hard it is for you to walk this path your heart does not wish to walk, and to speak the words you must say that you do not want to hear come from your mouth. There will come a day, and you will come to understand that this came about becuase of your need for growth and learning as a "spiritual" being. The human being must suffer, so that your spiritual being (your true nature) can grow and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 You surprise the living hell- out of me, those words are so to the point and so real.... My talking to my HEX that way is so hard, I would rather take her in my arms and protect her and comfort her but I can;t, not now and NOT AGAIN..... As you mentioned in an earlier post, I fought my best to keep this alive and in th eend, love just isn't enough, and I have to let go and that being said, letting go of old habit such as protecting her, I'm tired o fit and someone else can take over maybe they will make better progress than I did, but I doubt it. Anyway a new week, first FULL weekend without smokes, all are doing well here a few rough patches but we're hanging in. Dgirl, read you latest post..... you're such a sweetie, this singer guy... make sure he has a REAL job....... Ask him what he paid in income tax last year LOL................................... Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 CC, you did very well!! My stbxh played the same song, talking about how rough life was, and that things were not so easy for him. It was comforting to know, but at the same time, what did he want ME to do about it? He left the house of his own free will, and he moved in with his parents, and he expected me to feel sympathy because he has no privacy at mommy and daddy's? I think he wanted me to move out so he could move back into the house. Meanwhile, I didnt even have family where we lived! Talk about selfishness. lol And, yes i did say there were a few red flags But he has a real job, he's actually into computers, which is probably why he responded to my profile, and is going back to school to become a teacher. I can appreciate someone not knowing what to do with their lives at my age, just as long as he's proactive about fixing it, which he seems to be. He's away this week visiting relatives, so I wont be able to meet him until next week. But he called me last night and we talked again for an hour and asked if he can call me later in the week It feels awsome to have his attention. It's been so long, I almost forgot all these tingly giddy feelings Congrats on the smoke free environment And if you can, do something special this weekend with your kids! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted September 16, 2006 Author Share Posted September 16, 2006 and let you all know what's been happening. The HEX has been here for almost two weeks preparing the house for sale, I've been away on business all week and next week also, so she goes to her YOUNG friends place while I'm home, (I'm OK with that now, if anything is happening it's weird but whatever I really don't care anymore). She is desperate to get the house sold since she wants her share, she is seeing a lawyer soon to get an opinion on the sep aggreement, ( too late) but she's also playing financial games now too ( Not paying her share of short term debt). This isn't going to divorce too soon but I'm moving on, been on a few dates but really, at my age and where I'm at emotionally, I don't want to move too soon. Anyway guys, read Lor's thread, sounds like she's doing OK. DGirl sweetie, hope you;re doing good and the rest LJ, guns, hope you guys are also. Just one quick question, as much as I'm moving further and further away from my previous life, why is it that when I do see my HEX I sort of lose the anger I feel for her and feel more pity than anything? Weird eh? Also, I still have this weird feeling tht this really isn;t over, maybe me not letting go who knows... Eventually I hope that the feelings I still retain leave me, really, eventually they have to be put away for good. Link to post Share on other sites
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