Is it finally over?

[Ladyjane14]

....I honestly want to try to rekindle or rediscover our marriage if we can agree on some very basic rules and guidelines and she finally lets go of her built-up resentment and anger towards me and can look at me in a different light.

 

What is she actively doing in order to "let go of her built-up resentment and anger"?

I ask you, because it doesn't just 'go away' of it's own accord. It has to be addressed.

 

My husband and I found this actually to be as simple as making a decision to DO it. We made a MUTUAL choice to wipe the slate clean, to forgive EVERY previous transgression. That's ALOT of forgiveness when you consider the 'build-up' of twenty some-odd years!

 

But it's do-able. You just have to be willing to stick by your decision.....and THAT's the hard part. For awhile, I had to remind myself DAILY that I had selected forgiveness. These days, I only have to remind myself now and then.

 

I know it sounds simplistic, and I think it's only a viable choice AFTER the other marital problems are addressed....but it works.

 

Once you've resolved the REAL marital problems, issues like poor communication or failure to fulfill basic ENs, the rest is just clean-up work afterall.

[CryingCanuck]

Hope whatever you were away for was fun , if not, glad to see you back anyway and I always enjoy reading your comments to me.

 

Wiping the slate clean might be the problem LJ, who really knows if it's done or put on the back burner to creep up it's ugly head again some other time.

 

She's seeing an anger management therapist who is walking her through her issues but I assume that it's going to be a very long process. 35+ years of apparent betrayal by parents, uncles, boyfriends, 1st husband and I guess me is a lot to let go of and bad habits (acting as if nothing is bothering her ) is very habit forming and extremely destructive.

 

I'm still here for her, but not in the way I was before, I've truly reconciled that there is a chance that we might never resolve this problem and that we will remain separated and I've in many ways moved on.

 

I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I read or really think about us not being together ever again, but I think it's more the realization that it might be over in my mind for me too, and not wanting it to be.

 

My therapist has asked me why would I want to be with someone who has walked out on me and the kids twice in our marriage?

Good question, but my W does have a serious illness, it is mental but it's still an illness and I know I would never desert her if she had something else like cancer or whatever, so in some ways I'm staying because I truly believe in my heart that a lot of what she has done recently in particular is not of her doing but her anger and illness taking over.

 

She's, as I said, seeing a therapist and right now that's all I can really ask of her and whatever happens down the road, I'm almost totally prepared for it.

 

Will keep you up to date on what's going on with this situation.

 

CC

[CryingCanuck]

I wrote yesterday basically saying things haven;t changed but we're working on it, and my fears of either sayign or doing the wrong thing would put us right back to square one.

 

Well we are there, square one, not by my doing, but simply my W telling me that she see's no hope and that she wants a permanent legal separation.

 

No crying on my part, I simply told her that I'm prepared for that and I also said that based on this new situation, I would appreciate it if she refrain from coming to the house and I will again prepare it for sale and I'm moving forward.

 

I guess trying my best wasn't good enough, and I can't see myself turning back after this latest incident.

 

Thanks for everyones good wishes, I truly am sorry it didn;t work, but I know I tried my best and it was just too late.

 

CC but no longer crying.

[Ladyjane14]

......but I know I tried my best and it was just too late.

 

The best you can do is just that....the best you can do.

 

There comes a point at which you have to let other people carry their own baggage. Knowing that you've done all that was in your power to do makes it possible for you to let your wife's problems be hers. It makes it possible to accept that sometimes, no matter how much we might want to.....we can't make someone else's decisions for them.

 

In doing all that you could, you made it possible for YOU to move forward without carrying along all those recriminations about what you might have done differently.

 

All that said, don't be surprised if she changes her mind again. I've noticed it frequently, here on the Separation/Divorce board, that once the safety net is withdrawn....these 'walkaway wives' chicken out and want to come back. Unfortunately, they've often burnt the bridge behind them.....and then the REAL meaning of "too late" becomes apparent.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So, so sorry CC that things didn't go in the direction you hoped. I know how bad you really wanted this. But as Lady stated, you gave it your best… went over and beyond… and now there should be no residual regrets on your part. There was absolutely nothing else you could have done that wasn't already tried. So please, don't wrestle with your conscience or spend too much time torturing yourself with the "should haves," "could haves," and "what ifs."

 

It sounds silly. I can't really explain it. But while a part of me feels so sad and disappointed for you, I can't help but feel just a little bit relieved that you are no longer being strung along in this indefinite 'stall' pattern you've surrendered to. It's only my opinion, but I never felt it was really fair to you or your children, at all.

 

All that said, don't be surprised if she changes her mind again. I've noticed it frequently, here on the Separation/Divorce board, that once the safety net is withdrawn....these 'walkaway wives' chicken out and want to come back. Unfortunately, they've often burnt the bridge behind them.....and then the REAL meaning of "too late" becomes apparent.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. And that's what really worries me. It's so painful to watch someone being put through this time and time again and feeling so absolutely powerless to step in and shield them.

 

Although you can't see around that corner yet CC, there are a lot of us who've already been there. Change can be scary sometimes, but Life does go on, and in most cases gets even better once you've allowed yourself to let go, grieve, heal, and eventually find your balance again.

[CryingCanuck]

There will be regrets I know, and I'm trying my best to simply not think about it much right now.

 

Actually wasn;t long, my W did indeed call me this morning and spoke about what transpired last night and said that she had no intention of doing or saying what she did and that it sort of took on a life of it's own. She asked if maybe we can simply froget what was said and go status quo for the time being. She also said she's so frustrated and impatient for this to get resolved ( GO FIGURE ) anyway I didn;t hang up on her so that's good.

 

I simply asked her to not contact me for a few weeks, to let the dust settle and see if maybe she might change her mind back again ( to wanting a permanent separation), and asked her to attempt to honor that request the same way I've let her be. She said she will and asked me that maybe if I'm still willing that maybe we should go into couselling to see if we can repair this. I said maybe tht might help but right now I need to be alone and not think about her or our situation for a while and left it at that.

 

Will keep you guys informed....

[CryingCanuck]

Well this is still so damn weird, my W had our son over to her place for the weekend so I had a lot of time on my hands and did some things for me, on my own.

 

Went out one evening didn't get back until late, ordered pizza and had a nice time (there were 4 messages waiting for me on the phone from my W).

 

The next night I stayed home, watched sports and puttered around the house. My son calls me on my W's cell, (I haven't been answering her calls and not returning her messages from her line) he wanted to check up on me.

W gets on the phone, and is angry with me because I finally took out MY portion of the line of credit and put it in a seperate account and there is no money there.

 

I told her that I'm finished with this, I tried my best to do everything she told me she needed changed and she pulled that stunt on me on Thursday and that I'm ready to pull the plug. She asks me if this is what I really want, I told her not in the least, but she has given me no choice.

She makes some suggestions about going into couselling and seeign what happens, I tell her that no, that's not good enough, that the last time she wasn't serious or ready to do what was necessary to fix this. I took it one step further and asked her to give me the keys to the house, she refused I told her that on Monday I will have the locks changed if she doesn't.

 

She said I can't do that since she owns half of everything. I had to explain to her that she has been away from the house for more than 30 days and that she has abandoned the home and I can change the locks if I choose and I will)

 

Anyway, I went to her place last night to get the keys, told her I didn't want to come in and asked her to simply respect my wishes, she insisted on my going in, I did and she breaks down and asks me to reconsider what I'm doing. I'm so sorry but I had to stand firm, I asked her for the keys and told her I'll be in touch with her down the road if she wants.

 

She then makes a suggestion that blew me away, she suggested that maybe if I want, she will give her notice at her apartment and move back home and work on our marriage that way, that maybe I was right all along and that being seperated like this was wrong. I said NO, not this time, that door has been closed for the time being. I'm too angry right now with what she's done over the past 4 months to give things a fair chance. Well eventually, she gave me the keys to the house and I left her at the door.

 

I will reconsider this decision after I calm down, I've been pushed to the brink with this, I've done everything I possibly can to reconcile this and each step of the way my W has made it even more difficult for us. I understand that a lot of what she did was out of her misguided anger and frustration and her illness, but I have regained some control back over my own life and want to reconcile only when I feel the time is right and presently I feel it isn't. I haven't stopped loving her, but that love has been erroded and I told her so.

 

Will keep you guys up on what transpires and thanks so much for your help, you have been such a great listening post.

 

CC

[Ladyjane14]

.....but I have regained some control back over my own life and want to reconcile only when I feel the time is right and presently I feel it isn't. I haven't stopped loving her, but that love has been erroded and I told her so.

 

Feels pretty good to be back in the driver's seat, huh?

 

It sounds to me like you aren't too sure what it is that YOU want at this point though. If you feel like you need some time to figure that out, I think you might do better to keep the lines of communication open. That could help you to reserve your options.

 

Certainly, if you want to divorce her out-of-hand....you can do that. Afterall, your wife is the one who put it on the table. But I can't help but think that you'll allow resentment to build if you close the door completely on her. Any built-up resentment will need to be overcome later, should you ever attempt reconciliation.

 

Have you considered giving her a roadmap home? Maybe listing out what it is that you need from her in order to accept her back into your life?

 

You can state whatever it is that you need. If you need some time alone....you can say that. Why not?

It shouldn't be a problem provided that your wife knows whatever qualifiers you have in place. i.e. "I need to be alone and out of contact with you until this date for these reasons. At which time I will call you and we can make arrangements to meet and talk about our options". In that way, you clearly specify that it's NOT closing the door...it's just taking a necessary 'time-out'.

 

You can put whatever you need into your list. It's YOUR roadmap. Then it's up to her to decide if she can uphold your boundaries. If you need her to prove some things to you....it's only fair to let her know. Otherwise, she doesn't know what's expected of her.

 

Is that more consideration than you got when she left? Damn straight. But hey...you're a stand-up guy, right?

[CryingCanuck]

Hi LJ.

 

All I ever wanted was to fix my marriage, I did wrong in October but I have always been a faithful, loving husband with warts like any other person. When her illness takes over her moods and actions, I've always been there for her, helping her, loving her and simply being her friend and I'm sorry that she never really realized just how hard it is to live with a depressive at times.

 

The past 4 months I've been at times a pain in the A, but also in the same period I've listened to her complaints and acted upon them and done exactly what she asked me to do. Sometimes I guess tough love might work, I will keep in touch with her but before I can even consider her moving back home, I have to rid myself of this ugly anger and resentment I have built over over that same period.

 

I know me and I'm a forgiving person who when I let go of those things I truly let go. When she did the stuff she did 13 years ago it took nearly a year but I fully forgave her and let it go but it wasn't an instant thing. I will keep the lines of communication open, but as far as my giving her direction as to how to fix things, she would have to be totally blind not to see how flexible I am. I've always been that way, just sometimes I hide it behind this stupid law enforcement officer bavado.

 

Thanks for your food for thought I truly appreciate it.

[RecordProducer]

As much as I figured, you didn't really hit her that night. I can't believe that someone who never laid a hand on his wife for 23 years actually slammed her or kicked her or anything due to drugs and alcohol. I think she is making excuses for the divorce. If that action upset her so much, she would've told you about it the very next day, not six months later. You did say that she was coming back home almost every day in certain times.

 

I think she is tired of the marriage, she wants to live a different life. Even though she loves you, if she's been unhappy with the marriage for a long time (which she DID indicate), the thought of her going back to her old life terrifies her. When my ex-husband left me, I was devastated. I wanted to try hard to make things work for us. But as time was passing by and we were on and off with our relationship, I was realizing more and more that there was nothing I wanted to go back to. I loved HIM, but I hated the life we had together. So I decided to date him without living together. Luckily, he didn't even want to date me so I eventually got over him.

 

In my opinion, the best you can do is to be sweet to her and try to change the way of life you had before. Ask her what she would want in her life and let her know that you're willing to give her that, only if you're able to.

 

When my husband and I are angry with each other, we try to please the other one, to show affection, to withdraw from the angry ambiance, and it works sooooo good. One makes the first move then the other one melts and 5 min later we're the happiest couple in the whole world. It prevented us from fighting so now we just discuss things and don't argue. And we have less and less things to "discuss" even... So my point is: when you're trying to solve a problem by showing love, it works in both parties' favor. When your wife is mean and angry at you, hold her and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you want to hear all that she has to say and you'll try hard to correct what she doesn't like. Use a soft and caring tone. All women want to feel protected. You have to show that you control the situation and nothing can get you out of your line, not that she is able to push the wrong button every time she says something nasty.

 

Remember that the core of most problems lies in the woman's need to receive affection and attention, that is not being met. Also every woman wants a cheerful husband. If you're mostly grumpy, it makes her even more depressed.

 

You've been married for a long time, your kids are probably big so you could offer her a nice vacation somewhere, just the two of you. Perhaps a nice cruise or some exotic country you've never been to before?

 

Do you remember why we all fell in love with our spouses? Because we had a lot of fun together. Having fun is something that people enjoy more than work or goal achievement or even exchanging affection with our loved ones. If you want someone around you - provide them with a lot of fun. By now you should know what she enjoys doing.

 

Presents and surprises also show people how much we care about them. But don't get frustrated if she is not responsive to any of your efforts; she WILL start to appreciate it sooner or later. If she doesn't at the beginning, it just implies how disappointed she is in you and has a feeling that nothing you can do could make her happy anymore. But things change when we try hard. So try hard.

 

You need time to show her that you can be a great husband and offer her a great life. The thing is, are you? Would you go out of your way to make her happy? Are you willing to change without asking her to change? (Please keep in mind that a happy wife is a wonderful wife, so if you make her happy, she will most likely be good to you by default).

 

Obviously whatever you were doing was wrong so stop repeating your old mistakes. And if you manage to work things out, don't forget to keep it that way and not go back to your old life style as soon as you get your wife back.

 

I see that now that you showed her the door she wants you back, but her coming back home is not the final solution of your problem, if you decide to take her back, it's only the beginning of the solution.

 

Obviously her personality needs a lot of changes, but if you find ways to make her happy, she will show her best sides. We're all built like that.

[CryingCanuck]

I never indicated, ever, that I slamed her or kicked her or hit her, I have never EVER done such a thing, I have never stuck a woman in my life and I don't think I ever would. What I apparently did do, was try to get her back into the car and when she wouldn't I grabbed her by the arm, and tried to pull/drag her into it, then she apparently sat down, I tried to get her to stand up when she didn't I let go.

 

As far as the rest that you indicated, I'm prepared to do such things but it does take two. I'm not however waiting around and praying for her to come to her senses, the damage caused can be forgotten by me but it's going to take time and in some ways I feel that's something we are quickly running out of.

[CryingCanuck]

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've posted here and thought I would bring those that are interested up to date on what's been happening.

 

Well first of all we're back into marriage couselling and it's not easy and for the time being we're only going to go once a month until my W can get her mind straight on what is going wrong with HER.

 

This past week has been so difficult for her, she's seeing a anger management cousellor and she saw him the day before we went to our MC and it was to say, very sad and very emotional for her.

 

She's got so much on her plate regarding her past B4 I ever entered her life and then the baggage we have from our 23 years together.

 

I'm not pushing in the least, we're seeing each other whenever and I'm keeping an open mind but I've truly let go, I still feel a lot for her, even enough to try again sometime in the future, but not right now.

 

Our MC told me he has seen such a change in my attitude and he told me that for us to ever fix things it's exactly what I must do for both myself and the marriage.

 

I have a lot of you here to thank for that help in realizing the only thing I have control over is my own actions and it's nice having that control back.

 

As far as our marriage is concerned, I'm not going anywhere or doing anything to try to fix it, I feel the time isn't right but eventually it might be and I'm prepared either way. It's not as if I have or want anyone else in my life at this point, I'm simply working on me.

 

So that's it for the time being, I'm so much stronger and not affraid of what the future holds alone, I'll be just fine.

 

I'll post here to keep those that are interested up to date.

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for the update, Canuck. You know, I really do think that you've handled your situation remarkably well.

 

On the Separation/Divorce board here at LS, you are a success story no matter what the final outcome of the marriage.

 

Because you've proven that once you have control of yourself, (your actions, your emotions, your choices), you're back in the driver's seat of your life.

 

You're no longer spinning out of control on a thin sheet of ice. And even though the bumps in the road will continue to come now and then, you're prepared to meet them.

 

It's GOOD to be in the driver's seat!!!

[CryingCanuck]

This past easter weekend my other son who was away in our home town asked if he could move back home, I drove there and loaded a trailer and brought him and his stuff home. My W was at the house when I got there since she was staying over the night to be with our youngest. Fisrt thing she says to me is that she's really mad at me. I called her very early the morning I left as her car wasn't in the parking lot of her apartment and it was 6:00AM and she's never up that early in the morning. I was worried the car was either stolen or that since she's been in such a depressed state and she did see her anger managemtn coucellor that maybe something was wrong.

 

Well she was at the aprtment and the car was moved to another spot, end of story I thought. When I got home the next day with my son, as I said she was really angry and accused me of thinking she was out with someone. That thought had never entered my head and I told her that.. But then I was angry and suggested that maybe she better leave.

 

She comes over to the house on Sunday and I'm preparing a turkey dinner for Easter (missed the Christmas one because of our problems). I told her dinner is at such and such a time, she tells me she wants to go upstairs an dlie down until it's ready, I tell her I didn't know if she was staying and tyhat as agreed upon a month or so ago, I'm not to offer her anything or any kind of help and if she wants something she will ask for it. Well she never asked and I never offered, almost a cat and mouse game. Well dinner was very nice and eventually when we had some alone time we tlaked about us.

 

She tells me she's not sure right now about her feelings but that she doesn;t think she wants to try to fix things anymore. Well I said that's fine, I'm prepared for that can I please have the keys for the house back and that she move the rest of her clothing to her apartment. Well the next day ( Monday) I had to go to her aprtment to bring a couple of big items and since I had a trailer so..that was a good time.

 

We talked at her apartment and I suggested that since I have to get some groceries that she move her stuff out while I'm gone. 3 hours later I get home unload the stuff and she's at the house. She's crying and packing her stuff and very upset, I felt like a pice of S**t for asking her to move her things but I wasn;t playing her game sanymore I'm trying my best to move on and if this ever gets fixed it will be because she is strong enough and not because she needs me.

 

Well she ends up leaving most of her things in garbage bags in the closet of our bedroom and takes off home. I talk to her a little later and she's been drinking a bit of wine and is a little tipsy ( doesn't drink normally), especially alone so I know she's very very upset. Well I let her say her piece, she tells me she's ruined her life, ruined her marriage and that she's nothing but a loser and is spineless and all these negative things. I told her that I still cared for her deeply and that I can see us getting through this like we did 13 years ago, but I can't be the one to make all the advances anymore and that she will have to find it in herself to come home on her own not because she feels she can;t handle her life alone.

 

Yesterday we talked a bit and she tells me she wants to have NC for the next few weeks, I tell her no problem and that's where we're at. Apart from I now have her keys to the house and her summer clothes are in her closet in garbage bags.

 

This is so weird, especially with our son coming back home, anyway I'm trying my best to not get too upset with this but maybe I haven;t let go as much as I thought I had.

[bkz]

Thanks for the update, Canuck. You know, I really do think that you've handled your situation remarkably well.

 

On the Separation/Divorce board here at LS, you are a success story no matter what the final outcome of the marriage.

 

Because you've proven that once you have control of yourself, (your actions, your emotions, your choices), you're back in the driver's seat of your life.

 

You're no longer spinning out of control on a thin sheet of ice. And even though the bumps in the road will continue to come now and then, you're prepared to meet them.

 

It's GOOD to be in the driver's seat!!!

 

I sure wish I was at this point in my situation!!!! Theres just too many things I still want answers to and too much pain with whats happening.

 

Canuck, I admire you streangth and focus. I just read your entire thread and you've handled things so well, I really wish I could be as strong as you've been. Ive had my oportunities but have let them pass unfortunatley. Good luck with you situation, i'll definatley continue to read.

[Ladyjane14]

This is so weird, especially with our son coming back home, anyway I'm trying my best to not get too upset with this but maybe I haven;t let go as much as I thought I had.

 

It's just a "bump on the road", Canuck. You're doing fine.

 

Your wife is a mess though. I expect the reason she wants NC just now is that she's sorely tempted to come home. Your home has become a peaceful place. You've become a tranquil person. When she's in the home with you, in close proximity to the sense of peace you've acquired, she's not quite so sure of herself.

 

Good job. I kind of doubt that she'll be able to maintain NC for very long. Serenity is hard to resist.

[CryingCanuck]

Your wife is a mess though

.

You have that one right , no doubt about that whatsoever, she is totally messed up and I have to sit back and let her do whatever she wants but I'm still trying to keep a semblence of control on my part.

Not looking for reasons to call, just staying away and doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied.

 

That's about it for now guys, I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the compassion and tough love you give, if I could I'd give you all a great big hug. I'm out of town until next Thursday so I won't be here but will report back whatever happens.

[CryingCanuck]

Hi all,

 

Been away on business this week but the NC sure ins't working on her side and she's the one who requested it.....

 

The weekend before I left she comes over to the house three times, crying and going through her usual self pitty stuff, I left on Monday only to get a call from her Monday night seeing if I got in OK and wanting to talk a bit. I talked and left it at that, not wanting to discuss us whatsoever.

Calls again Weds. night to talk and ask a few questions...Suggests that she wants to stay at the house until I get into town. I ask her why? she says to be nice. I tell her it's OK she can go back to her Apt. Anyway she shows up later that evening.

 

Last night she comes over and really lets me have it. The anger that she apparently has been built up over the years ( I talked about that in previous post) well she really lets it out... screaming, yelling and going way overboard, and the sad thing about a lot of what she is yelling about is so far from the truth, her mental state is such that I can;t feel sorry for her but instead I'm numb. I tossed and turned all last night over this and wanted to simply talk to a lawyer and get a restraining order but that's just a kneejerk reaction. One thing I noticed that when she let all that garbage out,

I WAS TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING................... I know the truth and I'm not going to fight this.... if she eventually calms down, ( whcih she will ) Not sure if I should take her up on some of her accusations or simply let them be.....

 

I'm totally OK with NC.............. She's the one that always seems to ask for it but never follows through!!!!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm totally OK with NC.............. She's the one that always seems to ask for it but never follows through!!!!

 

What is it that you want at this point?

 

It sounds to me as if your Love Bank is just about emptied. It's been a long while since your wife made any deposits afterall.

 

I didn't think she'd be able to maintain NC. She's still getting deposits from you for her love bank. Her contact with you allows her to keep the momentum up on the conflict.

 

It's possible that you could go to Plan B (marriagebuilders) at this time and take control of your situation. Your wife isn't too terribly stable though....so I don't know what the outcome of that would be.

 

In Plan B, you would write her a letter and state your boundaries. This is a love letter, so it's okay to tell her that you love her and to take a trip down the more pleasant aspects of 'memory lane'. You start off sharing your visualization for the potential of your marriage, and let her know what a beautiful thing it could be. You might even acknowledge some of the mistakes you've made in the past and how you've RESOLVED them. (Be careful not to castigate yourself too much though. You don't ever want your Plan B letter to be used as evidence against you in a divorce proceeding.)

 

Then you let her know what you need from her in order to reinstate contact. These are your boundaries. Usually it's something like NC with affair partner and getting counseling. These don't seem to be an issue for you. Your issue is more about your wife making a choice on being where she truly WANTS to be. Whatever it is that you need in order to trust her enough to take her back....those are your boundaries. Then you step back until she gets it done.

 

You'll give her a method of contact. Some folks use a third party or lawyer. For you, email might be enough. But you'll need to set limits here too. If it's not pertinant to the discussion of children or shared assets, you don't want to hear it anymore. Any hysterical emails should be summarily deleted, and she needs to know it in advance.

 

You've been a whipping boy for your wife's emotional issues. She needs to work them out without spilling her venom onto you. You are losing your ability to love her, and if you don't take steps to preserve the love, it will be completely lost.

 

That's why you need NC. And she'll need to know the reason why so that your actions doesn't appear to be punitive or arbitrary.

 

Think about this carefully before you do it. Read extensively at MB and see if it's right for you. This is an ultimatum no matter what else you call it, and it ought to be treated as such. You might even call Steve Harley at MB for advice. There is a charge on the consult though.

 

As I said earlier, she seems a bit unstable so I'm uncertain as to what effect Plan B would have on her. It's possible that it might pull the rug completely out from under her and cause her further emotional trauma. I'm at a loss as to what else you might try at this point though.

[CryingCanuck]

What is it that you want at this point?

 

It sounds to me as if your Love Bank is just about emptied. It's been a long while since your wife made any deposits afterall

 

I'm no longer sure what I want anymore LJ...... I believe the lovebank has had too many withdrawls recently and for that reason I just don't know. I still truly love her but now I'm even doubting that but I'm still prepared for a little while yet to hang on but it's being more and more difficult to simply end this once and for all.

 

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN TREAT ME THIS WAY ?? I'm starting to believe that it's more out of guilt than anything, because I know that I caused a lot of it, not all but my fair share.

It's possible that you could go to Plan B (marriagebuilders) at this time and take control of your situation. Your wife isn't too terribly stable though....so I don't know what the outcome of that would be

 

Her stability is the route cause of this, it always has been, and moe than likely always be. That's something I resolved years ago, saying that i would never abandon my wife is she had some other kind of illness, is a mental illness any different??? Hard question... Hard to figure out too.

 

You've been a whipping boy for your wife's emotional issues. She needs to work them out without spilling her venom onto you. You are losing your ability to love her, and if you don't take steps to preserve the love, it will be completely lost.

 

I'm at the point to go to plan "B" and make it an ultimatum, no contact whatsoever for at least one month, total NONE, then if we both feel we want to try to take baby steps to resolve this we do, if not we end it once and for all, no more me feeling I owe her, no more me bailing her out of financial trouble, no more me making sure she's eating properly by sending dinners and no more me being the whipping boy.

 

And yes the love is so slowly leaving me for her.....

 

Sounds like something I must and should do.............. Will give it serious thought over the weekend...

 

Thanks for your always much appreciated input LJ.

[CryingCanuck]

Not sure what to say at this time,

Since her outburst last Friday I've been so down about everything and wanting to just end it with her and this crazy roller coaster.

 

I wrote her a letter over the weekend telling her how I feel about us and telling her what I would have liked to have happened, but that I'm begging her to give us at least one month of no contact.

 

The first two weeks should be easy as she's visiting a friend of hers out of town and they always get to go out and party. so I don't have to think about her calling here or simply showing up.

 

In the letter I spelled out what I need for her to come back if she so chooses and that as much as it's an ultimatum it's more setting my ground rules. It was hard and if she breaks the main one, about faithfulness, it's totally over and no chance for a reconsiliation. Her anger is so deep routed towards almost everything in her life, but I'm the only target and I can't take it anymore.

 

I really thought I had let go and was ready to end it before, but I guess IU was fooling myself letting go is not going to be that simple but I really am trying to get my own life in order for that eventual outcome.

 

What I'm having a bit of a problem with now is loneliness and missing companionship, I have both boys here now but it's not enough, they have their own thing and I understand, it's more the adult contact I miss. I guess I have to make an effort to try to get out a bit more.

 

Anyway, life moves on and I guess this is as LJ mentioned a bunp in the road.

[Ladyjane14]

Since her outburst last Friday I've been so down about everything and wanting to just end it with her and this crazy roller coaster.....

 

Her anger is so deep routed towards almost everything in her life, but I'm the only target and I can't take it anymore......

 

Honestly Canuck, I still see you as absorbing your wife's negative emotions. I think you're going to start feeling better once you stop doing that. You don't have to separate yourself from her completely in emotional terms to get that done. All you have to do is just let HER feel her own feelings and not feel them with her.

 

Let her carry her own bags on her anger issues. You've responded already to the best of your ability for what you brought to the marriage table. You've corrected whatever behaviors were on your end. You've made real and lasting changes in order to become a better partner, and you've made your wife aware of these changes, right?

 

What more can you do?

 

The ball is in her court. You can't make her choices for her. You can only make your own.

 

So...you can choose to step back and not take her behavior personally while she works through her issues. And you can choose to not take responsibility for her feelings. You can choose to disconnect from her emotions rather than to disconnect from the woman herself. These can become two separate issues for you.

 

This time in NC might be used to help you accomplish that. It's going to allow you to 'step back' a bit, and hopefully to see your wife's problems without internalizing them.

 

I don't think she's going to last long in NC though. Just by reviewing your thread, she seems to need contact with you every few days. I'm not sure what she's getting out of that. Is it reassurance? Or is she feeding the conflict?

Your guess is as good as mine.

 

I really thought I had let go and was ready to end it before, but I guess I was fooling myself letting go is not going to be that simple but I really am trying to get my own life in order for that eventual outcome.

 

You don't have to "let go" yet. You can still acknowledge the love you have for your wife. All you have to let go of is the way you internalize her feelings. Don't make them about YOU.

 

When you aren't experiencing her behaviors as about being in response to you personally... I think there's more room for the utilization of sympathy. It makes it easier to actually keep your love alive for awhile longer when you see your mate as 'dealing with her own demons'.

 

I can't tell you what the final outcome will be on your marriage. But at this point, I think it's a wise course to protect the love you still have left for her. It leaves a wider gap in the 'window of opportunity', giving you more TIME to potentially save the relationship.

 

Is it tough on you to stretch it out like that?

Yeah... It prevents you from moving on in a more complete way. So, you'll need to make a determination on if you're okay with that. You're the only one who knows how YOU feel.

 

What I'm having a bit of a problem with now is loneliness and missing companionship, I have both boys here now but it's not enough, they have their own thing and I understand, it's more the adult contact I miss. I guess I have to make an effort to try to get out a bit more.

 

You're right. The best thing you can do is to get out more and do some things you enjoy. You might even take up a new hobby. It won't take the place of companionship, but it can still be a strong motivator for getting up and getting going every morning.

 

Meantime, take advantage of opportunities to socialize with family and friends. These relationships aren't intimate ones, but still.... 'coffee and pie with a friend' beats the heck out of an evening watching the tube and scarfing down a bag of Chee-tos.

 

Did you get a response back from her on your letter, btw? How'd she take it?

[CryingCanuck]

To answer your first question, no she didn't respond and to be honest I doubt she will in a direct way, she has never been direct when it comes to most things, it's usually humm haww and beat around a bush.... So I expect that she will do that with this also.

 

I understand where you're going with the emotional distancing in not taking what she is saying or doing so personal so that I may not distance myself from her directly and keep what love I still have for her somewhat intact. I visited my therapist yesterday and she said basically the exact same thing. She indicatd that as much as I say that I'm suffering for the "sins of others" I'm taking it all personally as if I'm the one who caused that suffering and that I'm blaming myself for it. All I'm accountable for is what I've done and leave the rest to her to figure out.

 

I'm hoping though that the NC remains intact for the month which I requested, I honestly feel I have to pull back to regain my strenght and to put various things in perspective regarding what I want out of my life. I guess it's no longer all about her.

 

I've settled most things regarding what I plan on doing with my life if/when this ends, I know where I'm going, what I'm going to do, and I'm at a point in preparing for my retirement without her. So I am moving on, and if things change fine, if not I think I'll be well prepared for whatever the future might hold.

 

I'm still not interested in getting involved with anyone at this point, but I'm starting to look at that possibility, whatever happens regarding that down the road will be. I did indicate to my therapist that if I do totally move on, that I'm still not going to divorce her as I firmly believe in my vows, and if there ever is a divorce, it will be as a result of her doing it. There are other reasons for not divorcing her, insurance for her is one, I want to make sure she's protected and can get the medication she requires and other reasons too.

[Ladyjane14]

You sound like you're in a fairly healthy place, Canuck. Keep us posted on your progress.

[CryingCanuck]

Hi thand again thanks for the encouragement you;re a real help at this time.

Now I only wish you had posted those rules from marriage busters on my thread, they are really helpful. I was reading your reply to mysticflea's thread and I'm glad I did. Had to cut and paste those rules into my own private notes area to go over and over and over and over etc.....

Again thanks LJ