internet infidelity?

[Whitebird]

We have been engaged for 9 months and are moving into a condo next month. The wedding date is not set, we talked about April 2001--a small affair--a second wedding for both of us.

 

Every action and deed tells me he loves me except one major new problem. In June I discovered he emails and chats on line and off line with another woman...it's been going on for approx a year. Ok, no problem, he stopped. Then last week I learned he has 2 new personal ads on the net. He advertises for a long term relationship/marriage minded kind of woman. So what am I? History?

 

Guess my questions are: Do men view using the net as harmless fun? A hobby, an ego booster? Or should I just run from him as fast as I can? I do not want to make another major mistake in my life! Your input would be appreciated!

[bobinjeetinbobber]

Internet or otherwise, cheating is cheating. This man obviously does not love or care for you if feels the need to advertise for another woman. He should be more than satisfied with you if he truly does love you, in fact, he should be thanking his lucky stars he found someone as amazing as you, but he's not. Apparently he feels you're not good enough. There's no such thing as posted personal ads on the internet "harmless fun" if he's supposedly in love with you. He was wanting another woman. He's gross. Run far, far away. He is bad news.

We have been engaged for 9 months and are moving into a condo next month. The wedding date is not set, we talked about April 2001--a small affair--a second wedding for both of us. Every action and deed tells me he loves me except one major new problem. In June I discovered he emails and chats on line and off line with another woman...it's been going on for approx a year. Ok, no problem, he stopped. Then last week I learned he has 2 new personal ads on the net. He advertises for a long term relationship/marriage minded kind of woman. So what am I? History? Guess my questions are: Do men view using the net as harmless fun? A hobby, an ego booster? Or should I just run from him as fast as I can? I do not want to make another major mistake in my life! Your input would be appreciated!

[dark elf]

Frankly even if he considers it just messing around, then that shows maybe he isn't the best candidate for a long term relationship. What you need is someone who takes things like this more seriously, and if he cannot see how messing around with women on the internet or off is bad for any relationship, then maybe his priorities are not where they should be. A person with good ideals should be able to discern that flirting whether in person or 3000 miles away is still flirting, and is not considered monogomous behavior.

 

Confronting him about it is probably not the best thing initially, as he will probably accuse you of snooping, so delicacy in this situation is a must.

 

Granted I'm not a psychologist, so don't take my views as gospel or anything, but I think if a person cannot tell what is wrong with flirting over the internet, then maybe they are not in the monogomous frame of mind. When it comes down to it, it is still another woman on the receiving end of this affection (at least he would hope it's a woman.. you never know these days) .

[Ed]

You have left out a number of important details in your post. My impression from the information you have given leads me to feel very skeptical about trusting this guy. I would absolutely not consider marrying him at this time. It's going to be real hard to build the kind of trust a marriage needs to survive with this kind of stuff going on.

 

I don't know how long you have known him or how long you have been together as a couple. All you said was you have been engaged for nine months. I'm not sure it would make a difference one way or the other.

 

I'm kind of wondering how you found out about this in the first place. Though, at this point, I don't think it really matters. This guy is either real stupid or he wanted you to find out he is soliciting. In either case, you would probably be better off in the long run if you dump him now.

[BeenThere]

Have you confronted him about the ads? If you've been together for nine months--are getting ready to move in together--are talking marraige, then you have every right to demand answers. So what, if he accuses you of snooping! You could always tell him you stumbled across his ads by accident. If it were me, I wouldn't even bother lying about it. Afterall, he's the one who's been deceiving you. Either way, you have every right to leave this guy and you need to tell him EXACTLY why. Maybe at least he'll learn a good hard lesson!

 

I'm responding to this post only because I have a friend who lost someone he really cared about because of his internet addiction. She caught him emailing women and found a personal ad as well, although he claimed it was an old one. When he called crying, I asked him why he was communicating with women online, and why he hadn't removed his ad, if he cared so much for this lady. He replied that it was "curiosty," then proceeded to say that there were too many choices now that the internet has made it possible to correspond with so many people that he wouldn't meet otherwise. (Like a kid in a candy store, I guess.) I promptly told him he deserved to sulk over this one for a while, and if he ever expected a "real" relationship than he had better uplug that damn modem and enroll himself in a twelve step!

 

Love can be blind, so I won't try to tell you how to handle this one. Afterall, you certainly know the guy better than us (or thought you did). But if it were ME...I'd be outta there!!

We have been engaged for 9 months and are moving into a condo next month. The wedding date is not set, we talked about April 2001--a small affair--a second wedding for both of us. Every action and deed tells me he loves me except one major new problem. In June I discovered he emails and chats on line and off line with another woman...it's been going on for approx a year. Ok, no problem, he stopped. Then last week I learned he has 2 new personal ads on the net. He advertises for a long term relationship/marriage minded kind of woman. So what am I? History? Guess my questions are: Do men view using the net as harmless fun? A hobby, an ego booster? Or should I just run from him as fast as I can? I do not want to make another major mistake in my life! Your input would be appreciated!

[arthropod]

whitebird, this is definitely not right. i would DEFINITELY confront him about this -- you've got EVERY RIGHT -- this is YOUR future here!! i don't see how posting personals saying he's looking for someone else could be considered "harmless fun" . . . it's simply not. my guess is that this is a search for an ego boost, but he needs to be happy with YOU and your RELATIONSHIP -- if that isn't enough for him, then i don't think he's a person you want to be with. if this is happening now, what's going to happen in a few years?? regardless of HOW you found these things out, he's DOING THEM . . . he should have absolutely NOTHING to hide if he's sincere about your relationship.

We have been engaged for 9 months and are moving into a condo next month. The wedding date is not set, we talked about April 2001--a small affair--a second wedding for both of us. Every action and deed tells me he loves me except one major new problem. In June I discovered he emails and chats on line and off line with another woman...it's been going on for approx a year. Ok, no problem, he stopped. Then last week I learned he has 2 new personal ads on the net. He advertises for a long term relationship/marriage minded kind of woman. So what am I? History? Guess my questions are: Do men view using the net as harmless fun? A hobby, an ego booster? Or should I just run from him as fast as I can? I do not want to make another major mistake in my life! Your input would be appreciated!