anxious, unconfident partner

[milkman]

hi,

 

i have been with my partner for 10 years and have been married for 6 years. We have a 2 year old and another baby on the way. in many ways the relationship is strong but our sex life is a problem. i'm starting to believe this won't be fixed as it seems to come down to a difference in personalities and may end in divorce.

 

we are differnt people. i am laid back and tend not to worry about things and she sees me as an unpassionate person. i am not perfect but try to be supportive, talk and affectionate. she worries a lot about everything, is not confident physically and has suffered from depression. this has been the case since i have know her to different degrees. maybe it is worse now because she is pregnant.

 

holidays are great and we have good sex but the usual pattern is i try to cuddle her and kiss her in bed and she pulls away. i feel rejected and we go for weeks or months without sex. she saysshe feels uncomfortable, can't relax and just sees me as a best friend.

 

it starts to effect the relationship as we are both frustrated sexually. it is difficult to be confident and dominant when you are always rejected or know the other person would rather go to sleep so the cycle continues.

 

does anyone have any helpful advise or has anyone been in a simialr situation? i would like to make her more confident and happy but don't know if this is realistic.

[newbby]

how long have these particular problems with sex been going on?

has it been maybe for the last 3 years or so?

[milkman]

we have been married for 6 years now. it started probably a year or so before that. i think i put it aside at the time. she will be more relaxed when she gets a less stressful job, when we move to a bigger place..., she will be more relaxed when she has a family.

 

the more it goes on the more conversations you have about it and the less you feel like being intimate.

[newbby]

its a difficult time to try to resolve this issue, because sometimes, in fact often when a woman has young children or babies, she goes off sex.

i am sorry, i cant really offer you much advice on this. however, you will probably get more responses if you post in the marriage section.

[milkman]

cheers. will do.

[dgiirl]

Sounds a lot like me, but i didnt have kids.

 

Does she acknowledge it's a problem or what is her excuse? You say she's been depressed? Has she gone to therapy about it? If she's like me, her rejecting you in bed is probably related to her having anxiety whenever you get close. I felt the only time my exh would want to be near me is when he wanted sex. I was depressed, felt insecure about my body, about my performance, did not feel desired by my husband, and felt the only thing he wanted from me was sex. He was never affectionate outside the bedroom, atleast not the way I needed him to be. I felt very distant from him, very stressed in life in general, and didnt have the urge to have sex as frequently as he did, and pushed him away because of it. And all of it just kept making the anxiety worse and worse.

 

Also, has your routine become predictable? That was one thing that I was screaming in my head about, trying to change, but my exh and I did not communicate about sex. I'm a very timid person, and I was the most vocal about it. He took everything as an offense, and that created very little room for open communication. When he introduced new things to the routine, I got very into it. Unfortunately, he'd just add it to the routine. Near the end, I stopped giving him feedback because I liked the unpredictablility and didnt want it to be part of the routine. I got zero feedback from him. To this day, I dont know what he liked and what he didnt. I tried to spice things up, but always was fearful to do so. I bought lingerie for the first time for his 30th birthday, and the following day was told I was selfish to buy myself clothes for his birthday. It was little remarks like these, along with no other feedback about how he thought I was pretty, that decreased my desire for sex.

 

When was the last time the two of you went on a romantic vacation? You say when she's relaxed it's better, so I would start with that and maybe some therapy if she's open to it. If she's depressed, then it's not just the sex part that needs help. I was starting to go down the suicidal path. I was fearful of everything, losing my job, losing my husband, hating my body, angry with everyone. Losing my exh and going to therapy was the first step to getting my life back to normal and being happy again.