Is Jealousy Love?

[Candied-Heart]

Well, is it?

[Raven1845]

Hi Candied-Heart.

 

I am reading a book entitled, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, by Howard M. Halpern, PH.D.

 

A few excerpts:

 

You don't have to love or even like somebody to be jealous. (In fact, you can be jealous of someone you can't stand).

 

When you are in the throes of jealousy, it can feel like you love the other person madly, but this can be an illusion.

 

When you are in the throes of jealousy, you idealize the other person and downgrade your own worth and attractiveness.

 

Staying in a relationship primarily because of your own jealousy or through manipulating the jealousy of the other person is a guarantee of unending tension and torment.

 

It continues:

 

"The first step in avoiding being trapped by your own jealousy is recognizing the above truths. You can then use this recognition to help yourself in several ways: to stop fooling yourself into thinking that because you are jealous you must be in love, to stop overvaluing your partner and undervaluing yourself when you feel someone else may be in the picture, and to stop letting your Attachment Hungry inner infant panic you into thinking that your partner is the one and only person for you."

 

I use to believe that jealousy was an indication of love, or at least strong like. After dating my last boyfriend, I'm not so sure I believe that. I believe that although jealousy can be an indication that someone is interested in you or cares for you, it can also be a way of controlling another person by making them feel insecure and in turn the one who is jealous ends up valuing their partner even more. Please see my thread explaining how the guy I was with would use jealousy to try to control me, break my confidence, and leave me feeling insecure:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80860/

 

(Jealousy) "can lead you to overvalue and therefore remain with a person who is bad for you. And one of the most important steps you can take in loosening the addiction is becoming aware of how much your jealousy can cause you to elevate your partner and to recognize that it is possible to feel jealousy toward someone you don't love, whom you don't like, and even toward someone you heartily dislike."

 

The book continues:

 

"Your jealousy-inflated view of the other person is based on two false Beliefs:

 

1. If someone else wants him, he must be better than I think.

 

2. If he wants someone else, the other person must be better than I, and I am being dismissed because I am undesirable."

 

So, yes, we can be jealous and not actually be in love, IMO.

[Raven1845]

In reference to my last sentence, I meant to type,

 

IMO, jealousy is not necessarily a sign of love.

[witabix]

Thats an excellent question.

 

I don't think so.

 

Jealousy, I think, usually comes out as controlling and manipulative.

 

I would hope that love never feels like that.

 

Both these words are shorthand for a whole host of other feelings.

 

I'll have a think on this.

 

There might be some interesting replies to this.

[jerbear]

Very interesting... I don't think jealousy is love.

 

Hmm... I'll have to rethink this now and I don't know. Just thinking off the top of my head.

 

I view jealously as a sign that this person may actually care and has an agenda. In this case, manipulation, undesirable, or lowered self worth; but most of the time it is "I want to date you"

 

It could also be linked to greed, as in I want xyz and he's got it.

 

When I was younger, I've seen my jealously feelings come out during the infatuation stage and post breakup stages.

 

I'm curious to see what other people say.