WHEN does it EVER end? Why WHy WHY???

[random tears]

I am about to totally give up. I can’t begin to see where any of this is heading. I can’t see why it is even happening. AGAIN.

 

Avoidance isn’t helping. Crying and screaming isn’t helping. Writing letters, talking calmly, spying and ignoring isn’t helping.

 

What is left to do? I am beyond understanding. Someone needs to clue me in if this is a normal guy thing or not. And if it is, what can I do about it????

 

Again with the time stubs showing a different time. Coming home almost 2 hours later than when he left work. Almost every nite last week until I had enough on Friday and caught him and called him on it. If cut off for last reservation call is at 10:00, (as in, they close at 10:00) what the heck are you doing coming home at 12:00 at night???????? Demanded he show me the time stub receipts and sure enough, almost every nite last week he got off pretty close to 10:00 and didn’t bother to come home until 11:45, 12:00.

 

I don’t like this. I don’t like who I have become because of this and other matters. He has got to be a chronic liar. He says that he is late because he needs to wait for his tips. Then he comes home. He has to wait 2 hours for tips??? He swears up and down that he is not doing anything bad or wrong for us. Then what the F is he doing??? And why?? He knows that we are suffering because he is working so hard. He never seems to have time for us, only for work. But he doesn’t want to end it between us. Guess he figures that he still has more to do to make my life miserable. He’s not finished yet. I try to slip away from him and he wont let me.

 

Why isn’t he coming home after work, when he knows damn well his lack of presence in our relationship is putting a huge strain on us? He knows this and has even admitted it himself. So why then, wont he spend those 2 hours every nite on me? As it is, he comes home so wiped out he just sleeps. Then it is back to working all day and nite and weekends (by choice) as well.

 

So now what? What am I left to do? As I said, nothing helps. Who has a remedy for this?? Or at least a temporary solution so I don’t go insane in the time between???

[Moose]

Beyond bugging his clothes, having a sattelite track his every move, or plain stalking him......nothing.

 

If he is doing something he shouldn't, it'll catch up to him.....just sit back, relax, and wait for the chips to fall. OH....and keep your own nose clean....

[random tears]

Thanks Moose, But how to wait and not go crazy? I am so angered that I have to sit and wait, while he gets to go out and have fun. I am tired of sitting back and being told I cant go out either by myself or with friends. Its okay for him, why not me? He told me not to worry, promises it is nothing bad, and I shouldn’t worry. But I am worried.

 

And I am sick of being sick of it. Is it a normal guy thing or what? Also, told me from now on, he is just going to throw his time stubs away because I need to trust him WITHOUT relying on the time stubs…..I don’t think this is fair. This isn’t the first time he has violated my trust. Does it EVER get better??? If so, WHEN???

[Moose]

As much as it pains you to sit back and watch all of this.....you have to if you're going to keep him in your life.

 

I don't think it's fair for you to sit at home either. Do you have children? If not, you need to put your foot down on this aspect of the problem. He's not to go out if you can't.

 

Besides that, you're an adult, he has no right to make you stay at home. I used to think it was my place to tell my wife what she can or cannot do.

 

This simply isn't the way it is. Next opportunity you get, I'd go out. Find a sitter if you have to. And go without telling him......he's not your boss...and if he gets pissed, that's when you tell him that if he's going out, you're going out too.

 

If he won't let you see his time slips, you're going out too.

 

If he's leaving work early, and coming home late, you're going out too.

Is it a normal guy thing or what?

It's a phase.....maybe not for all guys, but yes, I went through this little phase myself.

 

The only way to break him of it, is to not show you care, and go out and have fun yourself whether he likes it or not.

[random tears]

Moose:

 

Thank you for your much needed insight….

I don’t have children so that at least is a small comfort knowing I am not dragging an innocent into this mess.

You said that it is a phase. Why did you go through this, and were you up to no good?

How do I show that it isn’t bugging me? (I am very sensitive and have difficulty with stuffing emotions, esp when I think I am being wronged)

Did your wife ignore you and this is what made you stop???

 

Also, I am afraid that if I do this, it will backfire on me. Because he is a VERY revengeful person. As in if I come home at 7:00, he will come home at 10:00 and if I said something about it, he will say “well you did it”. If I do something that rubs him the wrong way he will retaliate on a larger scale in any conceivable manner. He enjoys “punishing” me for my supposed wrong doings. If I talk to a man (doesn’t matter who) he will turn around and make it a point to talk to a woman in a flirtatious manner.

 

You can bet your beeswax that whatever I do, however minor, will be returned tenfold and I just don’t know that I am strong enough to play this game with him. He has got me by the hair and he knows this. I hate to think what would happen if he thought I was cheating…..

 

He says he isn’t revengeful but we all know a revengeful person when we see em….

 

On top of all this, I am spending Valentines day alone because according to him it is the busiest day of the year.

What does everyone think of a man who chooses to work over spending time with the supposed “loved one”?

 

Moose, please give me your insight on all of this!!!

[Moose]

You said that it is a phase. Why did you go through this, and were you up to no good?

Well, for me it was because I was in denial about being tied down to one person. I lost my confidence that other women would find me attractive. Most of that had to do with my wife's inability to compliment me on a regualr basis. She didn't come from a family that hugged and kissed....she's hardly seen her parents kiss each other on the cheek. So PDA wasn't in her.

 

So I went out and flirted, to get that verification that I could still be desired by other women, but never cheated. I can't speak for your husband and why he's going through it.

 

Just taking a guess here, but have you two haven't been married long have you?

How do I show that it isn’t bugging me?

That's a tough one. My wife showed it did bother her, and it pushed me further away. I don't know why it did......it just did. Maybe that'll be enough to convince you to try harder not to show it?

 

Best thing I can tell you is to keep your mind on something else. Get a membership to your public library, and spend some time out there.....keep your mind off of it.

Did your wife ignore you and this is what made you stop???

You can say that. It was a combination of me coming to grips that I married the person I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with, me maturing a bit, and the legal troubles I found myself in.

 

As for the rest of your post, it sound like he's got ALOT of growing up to do. This will take a lot of time. But in the meanwhile, you had better put your foot down, and demand equal treatment, or he'll continue to walk all over you.

 

He needs to learn to respect his wife.......simple as that.....

[Mz. Pixie]

RT-

 

Why are you still with this guy???

[hooghie]

I have to agree with Mz. Pixie.

 

It sounds like your H is abusive towards you- maybe not in a physical way, but certainly emotionally. He tries to control you. He doesn't respect you AT ALL. You can do better.

[random tears]

Mz. Pixie -Because I am lame, I guess. Low self esteem? I do love him, still feel attracted to him.

When the times are good they are very good, when times are bad they are rotten.

 

hooghie- in what way doesnt he respect me?

 

Besides the obvious-leaving- what can I do in the meantime until i am strong enough to go? I mean so that he doesnt drive me crazy???

[bigbrowneyes]

RT,

 

After you get the membership to the local library as suggested by Moose, I suggest you check out some reading materials on controlling personality types. Your SO definitely has control issues. In the process to control you, he has beat down your self-esteem. Why do you fear how he reacts to you taking a stand in your relationship and letting him know that is behavior is unacceptable? If you choose not to take a stand than you have no room to complain.

 

And as a side bar, complaining and making demands is not going to alter the way he responds to you. Try a different approach. Let him know that you miss the time that you spend together and the close connection you once shared. If he response negatively, than calmly let him know that your needs are not being met and that some changes need to be made to strengthen your relationship. If he continues to disregard your feelings than you need to make some life altering decisions. If you decide to live this life than you will need to accept his behavior.

[hooghie]

 

hooghie- in what way doesnt he respect me?

 

 

He treats you like his property and not a person. He doesn't allow you to go out, he 'punishes' you. He doesn't respect that you need an answer/explanation of where he is and he comes home late. He thinks it's ok for HIM to do stuff and not you.

 

Do you work or have any hobbies that you do regularly?

 

In the meantime- I would try and discuss your concerns with him. Tell him you miss him and want to spend some time with him- maybe even cook him dinner and TALK, not yell, to him about why you are hurting and what you need from him.

[random tears]

Thing is, you guys I HAVE tried to talk to him...calmly, rationally, sanely....his response is:

 

"my head hurts"

"im tired, i had to work all day and night"

"please, you talk about the same things, stop"

"if you dont stop, im going out"

"your always jealous, you need to stop"

 

Those are the things he says....that is when I usually end up crying. The crying is out of frustration and helplessness and sadness. The tears seem to come from a dark hole that is only filled with tears...they keep coming and coming.

[random tears]

I have told him i missed him. he says that he misses me too. when i ask him why he works so much he says

"again"? "you want to fight again"? "maybe i am going out"

[Sunshine2003]

Is he a server? Why does it take him so long to get tips? That doesn't sound right (I've been a server....doesn't take that long...)....and he surely doesn't seem to be caring about the relationship. If he did he would see how this is bugging you. If he won't call you, etc...then I would suggest not waiting up for him. If you want to go out with the gals, go right ahead! And perhaps a good dumping is in order.....are you married or dating? You need to get to the bottom of this...he is being really inconsiderate...to say the very least anyway....

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, it shouldn't take so long to get his tips. There is something else going on.

 

If he respected you he wouldn't play these games with you. Period.

 

My husband has a second job as a server and he never has to wait around that long after work. Come on, you know he's up to something.

[random tears]

I DO think something is going on...somewhat....I mean, I know he is lying to me about coming home. I know he leaves work early and comes home late. But when confronted, his stories dont jive.

I wonder if he is just trying to save me from feeling unwanted and hurt anymore than i have been by him.

Like maybe he is sitting around with everyone after work and having a drink at the bar. And doesnt want to tell me that is what he is doing because I wont think it was fair and I will feel hurt like he is using his free time and spending it with them instead of us. Which I would feel like this.

Another, deeper reason I think he is withholding is because if he were to admit to me that he was sitting around conversing after work, not only would i feel $h!tty but I would also want to be able to go out on my own and gab with friends at a bar. as in, if he can do it, so can i.

So i think some of this might be a control thing.

I have been told just to hold my head high, dont let him see me cry and let it go...easier said than done.....

How do i do this, and keep my mouth shut at the same time?

[Devildog]

I have been told just to hold my head high, dont let him see me cry and let it go...easier said than done.....

How do i do this, and keep my mouth shut at the same time?

 

Who is giving you that crap advice? Seriously, that is like someone telling an abused person to just shut up and take your beatings.

 

It appears your husband has been quite successful in delivering an emotional and psychological beat down to you. Be careful, because many times this can be followed by a physical beatdown.

 

He has you making excuses to yourself for his actions. I'll be blunt here, he has you whipped!

 

It is a total control thing. My XW did pretty much the same thing to me, along with alot of other control things. And when I pointed this out, that was different. (Heard that? Sure you have.) He can't be going out and doing his own thing (whatever, or whoever, it is) and demand that you sit at home quietly like the good little piece of property he thinks you are.

 

He is a liar, he is a manipulator, and he is absolutely a control freak.

[random tears]

I don’t know if he is aware he is doing this, but at times, I get the eerie feeling he is using mind control tactics on me….he has gotten me completely turned around. I used to be a free spirit who took pride on being untamed and just me….I had a lot of friends, but at the same time I was a loner. I never relied on someone to make me happy. I just didn’t care if they weren’t with me in the long haul because I thought “oh well, dude couldn’t hang” and moved on…not that I have had a lot of relationships, (only 2) just that I never became that emotionally invested in people because they have a tendency to hurt and be unreliable etc….

But with this guy, I am a wreck. A complete and total wreck. In a years time, I went from free spirit to Nell (have you seen this movie???) I live, eat and breathe him…..If I don’t, I will be sorry. As in, he only makes it worse on me if I don’t. As in, I become my own worse enemy. My insides are constantly burning, I am constantly crying, confused, etc…

 

I told him that I don’t understand why I am the one fighting for our love, for us to stay together etc…that it is like he doesn’t even care….

 

He says that he loves me, that I need to believe him, and not to think badly about him.

 

Devildog….you seem to think he is manipulative, in what way, and if that is the case, how do I deal with a manipulative person???

[Devildog]

But with this guy, I am a wreck. A complete and total wreck. In a years time, I went from free spirit to Nell (have you seen this movie???) I live, eat and breathe him…..If I don’t, I will be sorry. As in, he only makes it worse on me if I don’t. As in, I become my own worse enemy. My insides are constantly burning, I am constantly crying, confused, etc…

 

I told him that I don’t understand why I am the one fighting for our love, for us to stay together etc…that it is like he doesn’t even care….

 

He says that he loves me, that I need to believe him, and not to think badly about him.

 

Devildog….you seem to think he is manipulative, in what way, and if that is the case, how do I deal with a manipulative person???

 

I think this is a pretty good example of him being manipulative. Heck, he even set you up before with his time stubs to give himself "justification" for keeping things from you.

 

Let me ask you something. Have you lost touch with your friends? Your family? Perhaps he had you move somewhere away from your friends and family? This is a well known tactic of controllers and abusers. They take away your support system so you don't have anyone to easily turn to when they start showing their true colors.

 

Dealing with someone like that? Hard to say. Based on what you have said about him, I would suggest leaving and not looking back, and don't let him know where you went. I'm getting psycho alarms from reading about this guy. But that is easier said then done, especially as you are married. Calling him on it won't do any good, he will deny and continue to convince you that you are crazy for even thinking such a thing. I would say give him a taste of his own medicine, but I fear that might put you in physical jeopardy.

[random tears]

Let me give you an example:

 

I have a tentative friend whom I met through work. She is always asking me to come hang out with her, watch a movie, etc….

I want to, I think it would be good for me, and she is a truly wonderful person with a great heart…but…when I mentioned it to him, that I might do that after work (because he is working) he says to me:

 

“would you want me to go hang out with a friend of mine who has two daughters”? “Its okay if you want to do that, but maybe I am going to hang out with my friend at his house without you”

 

As if to imply something else. Like he is not going over the house to hang out. Focusing more on the two daughters than the friend.

 

And he says,” its not good that I am working and you are hanging out with friends. If that’s the case, on the weekend, I am going out too then. Without you.”

 

And he would too. Which, okay whatever, but he would go out and stay really really late, without me when he hardly has time for me to begin with.

 

As far as friends are concerned...i had one or two, but somehow that ended in a battle (friends didnt like him, tried to break us up) he didnt like them either, thought they caused way too much problems and somehow they fell by the wayside.

[Devildog]

So he has isolated you. He caused a rift between you and your friends, causing you to leave your friends. And he doesn't allow you to make any new friends. So who exactly do you have to turn to?

 

He is already hanging out with friends in a best case scenario, cheating on you in a worst case scenario. And his threat if you were to try and have a friend is to continue hanging out with friends, or insinuating that he might do more than just hang out with friends?

 

Does he make you wear a collar and a leash when he is at home? Because as much control as he seems to have over you I wouldn't be surprised. I'm betting that sex is degrading towards you, or that he likes/wants that sort of thing. Because he doesn't see you as a human being, but as his property.

 

I think this is an all around bad situation for you. I think it is going to get much worse, and it will become harder and harder for you to leave as time goes on, because he will have your self esteem so beat sown you will feel like you deserve to be treated this way.

[random tears]

Too late. My self esteem is already in the gutter. I now look in the mirror and literally become disgusted with the person staring back at me. I look down when people talk to me, I feel like I don’t want them to see how hideous I have become. Especially people that knew me before and haven’t seen me in a while. When they see me again, they always comment on how skinny I am, and joke around that I am not being fed….in a way they are right. I am not being fed…emotionally that is.

Before, people would tell me how beautiful I was, just normal people on the street as I went about my daily routine. I thought those people where just trying to make me feel good. I never really had the best self esteem to begin with. I thought I was a bit below average but because I had a good heart that made up for what I was lacking in the looks dept.

However, now, I feel like I look like a hangover victim suffering from a bad case of anemia. I feel drained and mousy, just greasy and ugly and zombie-like. I try not to make eye contact, I don’t want them to see how ugly I am.. I hide behind my hair.

 

In the beginning, I would dress up to feel confident. I was admired a lot but one night it totally blew up in my face and I threw the skirt away. I was called out negatively by him in front of a group of people and soon everyone was picking at me til I left the party in tears and went home and threw it away. Somehow he forgot to tell them that he and his mother had picked the skirt out for me to begin with.

 

I try to pull it together, but I am slipping away. I feel like no matter what, everything will backfire in my face. If I do something against his wishes, I am blocked or punished..not by him, but it seems some weird force or fate…as in, I went for a walk at nite just to get out and ended up having my boobs grabbed by a complete stranger….when I told him he said “didn’t I tell you to stay in the house? Do you see what happens when you don’t listen, and go out after dark”?

[Devildog]

So his response to you being sexually assaulted was basically "that's what you get for not listening"? How compassionate.

 

It's not going to get any better. Never. It will get worse.

 

I strongly encourage you to get out of there. And don't let him find you. What about your family? Where are they?

 

Ask yourself this though. If you are such a horrible person, then why is he with you? If you are beneath contempt, why does he care? You have good qualities, he just doesn't want you to know that because you being confident makes you harder to control. When you realize you can do better than him (and you can) and that you deserve better than him (and you do), he losses control.

[random tears]

Devildog: Well, he did say the standard guy thing "if i ever see him i will kill him" besides saying i shouldnt be out.

 

I have no family or friends. Thank you for taking time to respond to me and help me to sort things out. You cannot begin to imagine how your words gave me a tiny spark of hope. Like maybe I can get through this after all. Maybe. I think by not focusing on him and just letting go it might get better. A little. Maybe. Hopefully. Thanks Again.

[random tears]

You see, I call him usually in the middle of the day every day to see what the plan is, and he says he is working. fine. but need he be so rude when i call?

Like, "oh my gawd" and sucking the teeth when i ask what he is doing, or what not?

Its the type of response one gets when there is people around and they want to make a big show off scene by making the person on the other end of the line sound stupid.

 

also, as always, his "i love yous" sound muffled and sound more like "i u" you know, mumbled and such. but the rest of the conversation is normal sounding.

Never says "I love you" without me saying it first. even then, sometimes he says "okay"...esp before bed.....

 

Ladies, isnt it normal for you to hug and kiss your man goodnite, esp when you live together??!!

Well, not at my house. In my house, if you dont say goodnite or give a hug or kiss, its ignored. It doesnt matter. I have tested him 3 nites in a row to see what he would do, never bothered to say goodnite, i love you, hug or kiss me.

When I asked him about it, he says "you just woke me up!! I am trying to sleep, im tired"!!

 

Well, lets see, saying i love you only takes one breath. it doesnt take that long to give a hug or a kiss, only a second or two to show how much you care. But apparently you are too tired to do all of this but not tired enough to give a big speech on how tired you are.......

 

So basically I guess if i need love and affection, i need to beat it out of him, drag it out of him......

Which I cant bring myself to do. So I end up facing the cold wall with tears welling up in my eyes and that is how i fall asleep.

The only time he is affectionate without me seeking it is when he leaves for work in the morning. Then it is all kissing and hugging and a$$ grabbing and how much he loves me......probably because he is happy to be leaving the house.

I just cant help but feel that I am intruding on my own damn life here. I feel unwanted in my own relationship!!!

 

What gives?? has anyone had similar experiences here??