So freaked out...

[ConfusedGal]

OK, I have written a thread about this previously...about really wanting to move away from the state where my parents live as well... So my husband is again tryin to transfer to the midwest through his company. He refuses to go unless its a management position, otherwise he says its not worth it. And its very possible a management postion would come up here in this state before in the midwest...We had an argument this weekend with him asking me why I wanted to move...I was explaining to him that I feel so bloody suffocated here...Like I cant grow up...That being near my parents makes me feel like I am 5, and I cant take the roller coaster relationship ride with them anymore...I mean, I think it will get better and then it just goes back to square 1... My husband gets so aggravated with me saying I should just yell right back at them. HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS BECAUSE IT DOES NOT MAKE THE SITUATION BETTER!!!! Suddenly, my Dad will say he is having a heart attcak and my mom's blood pressure will shoot up and instead of understanding, they will just accuse me of having "changed" and being branwiashed. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE!! WHY WOULD I MAKE IT WORSE FOR MYSELF shouting at them???

 

He doesnt undertsnad HOW Much I want to get out of here. I would take a salary cut to move away. He wouldnt. He already blames me for having stalled our progress by delaying buying a home in the hopes that his company will move us... So he told me, this is th LAST time he will try. If it doesnt work, I better suck it up and understand that we will be staying here. And I better be happy and supportive of it if it happens, not sulk... I wish he understood how damn hard this is for me...I literally feel like I am suffocating being near them... He thinks its crazy. Well, guess what?? When HE has an argument with my parents, IIIIII get STUCK In the middle, NOT HIM!!! I wish he understood how much the thought of staying here scares the crap out of me... Is money and investment really everything??

 

I mean, I am not saying we should destroy our careers, but I honestly would take a salary cut to move... Life is more than buying a house and having $$...Its important, but if you are not mentally happy those things mean NOTHING. I would be excited about buying a house IN ANOTHER state! Buying it here SCARES me!!! I feel like I will be prison at least the next ten years of my life... Its SO hard for me!! But he wont GET IT! He is just too bloody practical! Maybe its our age gap. He is 32 and I am 27... I CANT BE IN THE SAME AREA AS MY PARENTS! I mean, I WANT MY OWN identity! I cant have that here!!! I just cant! I understand his perspective and he is finally doing really well in his career...But what do I do about my state of mind?? If we cant move, I really will feel like thats it. My life is ruined forever! I also suggested moving to CA, cause his company has headquarters there, and I also have great opportunities there... He looked at me like "Are you kidding me? I told them I want to go to the midwest office, and now i am gonna say CA? They will think I am one confused and messed up guy!" ARGH!!! WHAT DO I DOOOOO???

[curiousnycgirl]

There is an apron string between parents and kids that stretches as far as the distance required. Moving is not going to change your relationship with your parents - it may just let you avoid them more easily.

 

Only you can change the relationship. They are not going to change - so you have to change the way you handle/react to them. I speak from massive amounts of experience - so please trust me.

 

I agree with you that shouting at them is really not going to be helpful - again that would be trying to get them to change.

 

You didn't write any particulars so it is hard to give specific advice. All I can do is give a generic example from my life: my parents, specifically my mother, felt she could tell me how to live my life - I finally learned to say (and believe) "mother you are entitled to your opinion, thanks for the advice - but we're not discussing this any further."

 

Yup that line pretty much works. I'm not sure what took me so long to say it - I guess I was scared it would turn into a huge fight - but you know what - it didn't! They key to this is to have conviction behind your words - you seriously need to believe in yourself.

 

Moving to another state is just running away - it most definitely will not solve the problem.