Stay or Go??

[rocheria]

Hi Guys,

My husband & I have been married for about 7 months now (we dated/lived together for about 3 years before that). I’ve come to realize that I’ve put aside a lot of things that I want to do in life to fit into his ideal of who I am, or rather, who I should be.

I’ve put aside many hobbies and interests, and I’ve started to bring some back out. Turns out that my husband isn’t being quite as accepting as I thought he would be.

He’s pressuring me to walk a certain path – work heavily on my chosen career, and not play around with other things. He is a work-a-holic, and I am not. I am 19 years old, & he’s 21. I want to enjoy my youth while I still have it, and he doesn’t quite understand that.

We both have heavily conflicting political views, but I tend to not talk about things like that with him, since it might spark a conflict.

In fact, I tend to lock a section of myself away from him, since it doesn’t meet his standards.

 

Its getting to the point where I can’t be myself – the only time I can completely be myself is around my best friend only.

I’ve talked to him about this many many times, and he just doesn’t seem to be able to cope very well. He says that he’ll try harder, but I just don’t think it’s in his nature to be accepting of other things. We always put communication foremost in our relationship – nothing goes without being talked about. Even so, I still feel crummy & confused most of the time.

 

Quite honestly, I’m not sure I can live like this for the rest of my life. I know marriage is a life-long commitment, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t with my husband. I went from a controlling mother straight to a controlling partner. My life has always been directed, and I think I was scared to not know what was coming next, so I married my husband.

 

If anyone has any advice, please, let me know! I’ve talked to my friends, but I would like an un-biased opinion on my situation. Do I ride it out & be potentially miserable not being myself the rest of my life, or do I bring up the topic of divorce? I love my husband very much, and he loves me too, but I just don’t think we’re quite compatible for each other.

[JadeStar]

Let me ask you first why you married young? No one can tell you for sure wheather you should stay or go, only you can make that call. I do think this day and time there are so many epople that want to head to divorce court before trying all they can to salvage a marriage, assumming its what they want to do. I understand you're upset or frustrated with the whole thing, but have you suggested marraige counseling to him? Do you feel a third party might be able to give you both some helpful insight on how to possibly go about handling things? A counselor can not do but so much though, the real work has to come from you and your husband. Talk with him, find out what you both feel you need to do to help fix this.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[rocheria]

I've talked with him about this a lot recently - he's said he would work on everything we talked about, but I just don't see it happening. It's really his personality that's the problem, I think. Our personalities are like magnets - one one side, we stick together & can't be broken apart, and on the other side, we don't work together at all.

 

A little more insight into our history-

I had an unhealthy relationship with my mother - long story short, I ended up moving in with my husband (boyfriend at the time) & his parents when I was 17. I was never really liked by the boys in school, so I guess I latched onto him when we started dating. He's very attractive, smart (for the most part, lol), funny, and self-reliant. What I didn't realize is that he's very goal-oriented, and anything that strays from his goals (he has a list of goals for himself AND for me) is unacceptable (including hobbies, interests, etc..).

I've had these feelings off & on throughout our relationship - at first it would be about a 2 day thing (almost like I was PMSing, but I wasn't) about every 6 months or so. Every time, I found reasons why I SHOULD be with him, and then my mood went back to normal. Now the feelings are coming several times a week, and I'm getting more & more confused every day.

 

I asked him to marry me about a year after we started dating, so we were engaged for about 2 years before we married. I almost broke it off last summer, in fact, I was packing, and just couldn't stand the pain, and I called him at work and appologized. We got married a couple months later. I think I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't do that again. So I guess I did it because it was 'the right thing to do'. =/

[JadeStar]

So basically you felt you went from one controling situation (your mother) to another (your husband). I think you may have answered you own question, you "latched on to him". Theres nothing wrong with people being driven or goal oriented, however it becomes a problem when either thats all they see, or they feel they have to make rules/set priorities/etc for another. That seems to be where he has over stepped. I think you need to weigh your options. Thats good you feel he is all this other stuff but it doesn't excuse the fact that he is over stepping with him wanting your goals to be more like his. We are all individuals, and what might work for him might not for you. Do you feel there can be a compromise with this? Or do you feel this will not change? I do think people can change but they have to be willing to do so. I still say maybe some marriage counseling is in order, but that has to be up to both of you.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[jerbear]

I think it just happens to be that both of you are felt it was time to get married and did. It felt right, so it was done? Nothing wrong with that.

 

Before heading to divorce court after 7 months, I would suggest third party discussion like counselor.

 

If you can't be yourself, locked up a part of you, and just feel like #2 well it maybe time for an heart to heart with him. Communication is key and it seems you two have that in common. Voice your concerns with him. go from there.

 

Politics and money are hot issues with couples. Both of you have to respect each others opinions and ideas. It is a compromise between two people not one trying to dominate the other.

 

Both of you are relatively young and have started your careers. Now I have a question for both of you. For love or money? What is your answer and why? What is his answer and why? Curious to find out because that can bring some answers.

 

For me, it was love, hers was money; our personalities complimented each other but it was not mutual.

 

Before anyone goes crazy on LS. Now for something different, there is a concept called associative mating; you went from a controlling mother to controlling husband. It is possible you are playing it safe with what you are familiar with?

[rocheria]

I've talked with him about my feelings several times, but so far it hasn't helped much. As I said before, I think the problem comes from his personality, not just a misunderstanding.

He seems more oriented towards money, and I'd rather be happy than have exuberant amounts of money.

We both like to live comfortably, and that got us in a good amount of debt - which is why we wouldn't be able to afford marriage counseling. We can barely pay our bills. =/

I feel like I've put out 90% effort, and I've gotten back 40% (the old "both give 60%" thing).

[LuvRunderCover]

There are some counseling services that are free. You need to do a search or get the phone book and look for the ones that are free in your area. He has to do his part and stcik to what he says he will do or try or it will not work. I do not think you need to throw up your hands and give up after only 7 months. If you want it to work, and so does he, then you both will go to whatever means you can to acheive that.

[F150]

A little more insight into our history-

I had an unhealthy relationship with my mother - long story short, I ended up moving in with my husband (boyfriend at the time) & his parents when I was 17. I was never really liked by the boys in school, so I guess I latched onto him when we started dating. He's very attractive, smart (for the most part, lol), funny, and self-reliant.

 

I was going to say something about how lots of "power-couples" in the world have differing views and goals and still make it work. It works on a deeper level for them, despite it all.

 

But then you said this and I thought I would change that a bit:

 

What you wrote above was my Mom's situation almost exactly. She rushed out of the house because of problems with her Dad (alcoholic and abusive at the time) to hook up with a man (my bio Dad) who she didn't really know, but he seemed "attractive, smart, funny, and self-reliant". Well, 8 years and three kids later she finally had the guts to call it quits on a relationship where they had grown apart and found out they had nothing in common and were like two magnets pushing against each other (her words). Then she married another man who she fell in love with easily and had no doubts about and they've been married for 25 years or so now. Love can come easily, no matter what the movies say.

 

Anyway, the difference is that she was disillusioned from the start and it took her a long time to think any different (coming from a real paternal-strong traditional home where the wife doesn't say much and just cooks the meals). You are recognizing it now and have no kids to complicate things (it will probably just get more complicated with kids, not simpler nor better). It seems like this guy you are with can make a comfortable life for you with things taken care of, but at what cost? Going with your gut is easy to say, but hard to do.

 

Incidentally, my Mom's parents are still together. My Grandpa shaped up in time and now they've been married for over 60 years! Go figure...

[Curmudgeon]

As the Bard once wrote,"This above all, to thine own self be true."

 

You deserve happiness and your dreams.