could it ever work?

[amy]

I (age 26) had been dating this wonderful man (age 35) for a year and a half, with no problems at all, we were so in love that we made other people happy when they saw us. Then he moved away to my home state, we talked quite often and missed each other terribly. After reuniting around the holidays, we both decided that we wanted to really give it a shot together. We talked about growing even closer, true trust and greater love. We became very excited for our prospects, and everyone we knew was excited for us. A few months later, I happily moved in with him, at his request.

 

The relationship deteriorated so quickly, I could hardly even believe it. It appears that he still had old wounds which had not been healed from his past. He had been cheated on, lied to and hurt by another live-in lover from years ago. Big time trust issues... I never saw any signs of trouble from this when we were dating!!!

 

I was accused of things I'm not even capable of! Every good thing I said, was contorted in his mind, into an attack on him, or something to be suspicious of. He never accused me of cheating, but became so upset and angry about other meaningless things that I tried to apologize for everything, and fix him with enough love for us both.

 

Of course this didn't work and we had many angry fights, he broke up with me many times, in fits of delusional insecurity, and I finally left his house. He then begged for me back, admitted to all his insecurities and unhealed wounds from the past, and pledged his love for me. I said I would only try again with the help of a counselor, and he agreed.

 

I didn't move back in, but took things slowly. Within a week, he became worse, denying all insecurities, and our need for help. He even told me that I "made him lie, because he knew how I would react otherwise". He broke up with me again, and I didn't talk to him for two weeks, and had convinced myself to not let him into my heart anymore.

 

In the last few days, we have been talking again, and he said he would do anything to get me back. I told him that he seems to have places inside him that only he can fix. He asked if I would go to counselling with him, and I said no. I told him that he must first heal himself through counselling, and that if he still wants me after that, then we could work together on it again. Until then I will not be with him. I still love him very much, but am terrified of his inability to let old issues die, and I am put off by his flip-flopping behavior.

 

Am I crazy? Am I doing the right thing? Do you think it could ever work? Is his old hurt unfixable? Could he ever trust me?

[T-bass]

Hi, I am interested in your plight for some reason. First off I think you are doing the right thing. Your SO has

 

serious issues for a 35 yo and his flip-flopping is not

 

normal. I think everyone of us has insecurities and it's

 

our level of maturity that dictates how we let it affect

 

us. Obviously your boyfriend cannot handle intimacy and

 

closeness and it's fear that's destroying him. There can

 

be no successful relationship without some kind of risk

 

to one's own "state of mind" and if a person obsesses over

 

the fear of losing someone, he/she will eventually self-

 

destruct and the damage is done. I don't know exactly

 

what kind of subliminal signals you may be sending to him,

 

but I can't imagine anything as bad as to cause him such

 

insecure fits of rage. You've done all you can and remember:

 

YOU can only make YOU happy, not anyone else. Good Luck.

I (age 26) had been dating this wonderful man (age 35) for a year and a half, with no problems at all, we were so in love that we made other people happy when they saw us. Then he moved away to my home state, we talked quite often and missed each other terribly. After reuniting around the holidays, we both decided that we wanted to really give it a shot together. We talked about growing even closer, true trust and greater love. We became very excited for our prospects, and everyone we knew was excited for us. A few months later, I happily moved in with him, at his request. The relationship deteriorated so quickly, I could hardly even believe it. It appears that he still had old wounds which had not been healed from his past. He had been cheated on, lied to and hurt by another live-in lover from years ago. Big time trust issues... I never saw any signs of trouble from this when we were dating!!! I was accused of things I'm not even capable of! Every good thing I said, was contorted in his mind, into an attack on him, or something to be suspicious of. He never accused me of cheating, but became so upset and angry about other meaningless things that I tried to apologize for everything, and fix him with enough love for us both. Of course this didn't work and we had many angry fights, he broke up with me many times, in fits of delusional insecurity, and I finally left his house. He then begged for me back, admitted to all his insecurities and unhealed wounds from the past, and pledged his love for me. I said I would only try again with the help of a counselor, and he agreed. I didn't move back in, but took things slowly. Within a week, he became worse, denying all insecurities, and our need for help. He even told me that I "made him lie, because he knew how I would react otherwise". He broke up with me again, and I didn't talk to him for two weeks, and had convinced myself to not let him into my heart anymore. In the last few days, we have been talking again, and he said he would do anything to get me back. I told him that he seems to have places inside him that only he can fix. He asked if I would go to counselling with him, and I said no. I told him that he must first heal himself through counselling, and that if he still wants me after that, then we could work together on it again. Until then I will not be with him. I still love him very much, but am terrified of his inability to let old issues die, and I am put off by his flip-flopping behavior. Am I crazy? Am I doing the right thing? Do you think it could ever work? Is his old hurt unfixable? Could he ever trust me?

[Ryan]

I think your situation well illustrates what kind of problems arise when significant age differences enter relationships. It's most likely you two are at different points in your life. Trying to mix and match people on varying levels usually causes problems. As you can see, his mental stability is not all it seemed to be and not indicative of a normal relationship. It is also common in significant age differences to find some degree of notable character flaws. Unfortunately, a relationship can't survive as a "fixer-upper." He's showing you just exactly what kind of person he is. It also takes people a good amount of time in SEPARATION to make meaningful changes in personality. I don't think this is a situation worth waiting around for. It's not like you have 10 years and 3 kids worth of a marriage built up between you two. You are still pretty young and don't need to dwell here. You put some time into the relationship and it didn't quite work. Take some time to reflect on the pros and cons of this relationship so that you can apply them in the future.