Dangerously Close Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Okay for the background check out: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61792/ First the update: There were more physical interactions in July & August 2005, more intense, but still no intercourse or oral sex. Not that this matters, but we were always drunk, although we talked about the possibility of continuing it when we weren't. Luckily we never did. Then, MM and wife moved. I cut all contact except for the occassional friendly email (NOTHING sexual in them). So, it's been 6 months, and I haven't even talked to him on the phone. Well, they are coming to Florida for a few days. And, of course, my bf asked them to stay with us. I'm sooo nervous I could puke. The very last time we saw each other there was a physical interaction (although very slight in comparison to others). I love my bf, and in the last 6 months our relationship has improved even more. I don't want anything to happen between me and the MM. So, I started to think about how I could make this clear. Every time I imagined a conversation with him about it, I get hot and bothered. Like, telling him I'm not interested is just another reason to talk about it and let it bring up old feelings. Do you know what I mean? At the same time, I don't think ignoring it will be a good idea if these feelings are still there. Pour a bit of wine into the mix...Let's just say my track record sucks. I can take the bashing about being a horrible person, that's how I feel anyway. Don't bother suggesting that I tell my bf, break up with my bf, tell the wife. None of these are going to happen. Ahhhh!!! What should I do??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dangerously Close Posted February 7, 2006 Author Share Posted February 7, 2006 Anybody out there??? I really need some advice on how to handle the situation. At this point, I'd take a script of what to tell him when he arrives. Or some advie on how to bump up my will power. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 why do they have to stay with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dangerously Close Posted February 7, 2006 Author Share Posted February 7, 2006 It's not that they have to, it's just that my bf invited them to stay when he found out the were thinking of coming down. Obviously, he didn't know that I would think it was awkward, and I've never protested when we've had other people we know come to the area. I couldn't think of a good reason to tell him that I didn't want them there. Not sure why MM accepted. I'm hoping only because he also couldn't think of a good reason to refuse. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 can't you make up some reason with your bf...like its too much work to host them, or your too busy doing others and you don't think you would be a good host. anything. Or tell MM that you or your bf won't have the time to host them and maybe he & His W can stay in a hotel. You can work this out if you really wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 The best way to prevent an affair is to not put yourself into a situation where the temptation is there. That means break all contact with this MM and his wife. You certainly do not need a friendship with them, and more importantly have them stay over at your house. The easiest way to do that is to simply tell your bf the truth. Next to that, come up with a reason. Simply tell your bf you do not want them to stay over. End of story. I dont care how much will power you THINK you have, the best way to prevent it is to not put yourself in the situation in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
TeaCooler Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 I can take the bashing about being a horrible person, that's how I feel anyway. Don't bother suggesting that I tell my bf, break up with my bf, tell the wife. None of these are going to happen. Ahhhh!!! What should I do??? people shouldn't bash you, but they may. my question is, given the advice you're NOT willing to accept...what are the other options? i don't really see any. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 I love my bf, and in the last 6 months our relationship has improved even more. I don't want anything to happen between me and the MM. So, I started to think about how I could make this clear. Every time I imagined a conversation with him about it, I get hot and bothered. I can see where even a hint about it not being convenient for them to stay might cause some problems since you've never had a problem before. I haven't read your original thread, so if I am off the mark sorry. You, and only you control your actions, so whether anything happens, or not is up to you. He can try ... but you would have to respond. But I have a thought for you ... You get hot and bothered b/c you think about having a conversation with this other guy that revolves around what you can and can't do and sex (or making out, etc.) - you love your bf ... so fantasize with your bf ... specifically while they are staying with you. BF doesn't have to know about it and it may just get you through what will be an uncomfortable situation. How? By bringing you closer to your bf. Great sex is great sex ... if you enjoy it you are in a good mood and generally happy with the person you are with. Or, don't fantasize about it if you don't want to, but have lots of sex with you bf anyway. Just a different outlook on how to handle it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dangerously Close Posted February 7, 2006 Author Share Posted February 7, 2006 The best way to prevent an affair is to not put yourself into a situation where the temptation is there. That means break all contact with this MM and his wife. You certainly do not need a friendship with them, and more importantly have them stay over at your house. The easiest way to do that is to simply tell your bf the truth. Next to that, come up with a reason. Simply tell your bf you do not want them to stay over. End of story. I dont care how much will power you THINK you have, the best way to prevent it is to not put yourself in the situation in the first place. Agreed. It's certainly worked for me for the past 6 months. My bf and I don't really have the type of relationship where I can just lay down the law without giving reasons though, and I've NEVER said no to anybody staying at our house in the past 4 years. I'll try to think up a good reason though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dangerously Close Posted February 7, 2006 Author Share Posted February 7, 2006 people shouldn't bash you, but they may. my question is, given the advice you're NOT willing to accept...what are the other options? i don't really see any. My problem exactly. I don't know what else there is to do. Just fight through it? I can see where even a hint about it not being convenient for them to stay might cause some problems since you've never had a problem before. I haven't read your original thread, so if I am off the mark sorry. You, and only you control your actions, so whether anything happens, or not is up to you. He can try ... but you would have to respond. But I have a thought for you ... You get hot and bothered b/c you think about having a conversation with this other guy that revolves around what you can and can't do and sex (or making out, etc.) - you love your bf ... so fantasize with your bf ... specifically while they are staying with you. BF doesn't have to know about it and it may just get you through what will be an uncomfortable situation. How? By bringing you closer to your bf. Great sex is great sex ... if you enjoy it you are in a good mood and generally happy with the person you are with. Or, don't fantasize about it if you don't want to, but have lots of sex with you bf anyway. Just a different outlook on how to handle it for you. Actually, this is brilliant! If I'm "sexed out" then maybe I won't have any sexual desire for MM. I think I'll try this! Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Go for being "sexed out!" Even if it doesn't dim your desire for the the other guy ... at least you will be enjoying yourself and not indulging something you don't really want to do. Close your eyes and enjoy ... The flip-side ... MM will see/know (how can him and his wife not know if you really get into it -- oh, and I'm not saying to make so much noise that they can't help but hear, that would be tacky -- what you want is for them to SEE the affection you and your bf have between the two of you) that you both are completely happy. He DOES NOT need to know that all isn't perfect, what he needs to SEE is that it is. But be prepared ... this may "inflame" the other guy to try harder to get what he wants ... or, it may make him rethink it altogether and not try anything. So, get "sexed out" ... your bf won't be able to keep his hands, or his mind, off you and won't leave you alone. Either way, you and your bf win, not him. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dangerously Close Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Not going well. Not going well at all. He's made it clear through mild, but clearly more than friendly, touches he wants to pick up where we left off and I'm not giving any signals that I'm not willing. He's soooo hot, it's driving me mad!! BF keeps getting drunk and not wanting to have sex. Gaaaahhhh!!! I think I'm going to explode!!! Okay, so I think I'm going to have to address the issue head on, BUT I don't know if I have the will power to stick to my guns. Physically, I want it extremely badly, there is no doubt about it, but it's a black and white morally WRONG. How do I keep that in my head when I get so turned on by him? This all sounds childish and stupid, I know. I just have no willpower. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Look, it's very simple: If you do not CHOOSE to have sex with this MM, DO NOT let him stay at your house and DO NOT have any contact with him whatsoever. As to what you tell your bf, since you're not willing to come clean, how about, "Oh, please let's not have them here, they REALLY get on my nerves. I'd rather just be with you." Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I can't believe your MM took your bf's offer. Best of luck, I know how hard these situtations are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dangerously Close Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Look, it's very simple: If you do not CHOOSE to have sex with this MM, DO NOT let him stay at your house and DO NOT have any contact with him whatsoever. As to what you tell your bf, since you're not willing to come clean, how about, "Oh, please let's not have them here, they REALLY get on my nerves. I'd rather just be with you." To late, they are already here. But you're right, I have to CHOOSE to do it. I'm responsible here. I can't believe your MM took your bf's offer. Best of luck, I know how hard these situtations are. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 you just have to be aloof and keep your distance. be cool, stop being open, be more removed. he'll get the hint. it's really that simple. why are you even letting him touch you? self-discipline is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger you are. everytime your thoughts turn to MM, switch them over to your BF. never be alone with MM, ever. be all over your BF, keep by his side the entire time. if you aren't doing these things, then i don't think you're being honest with yourself that you want to avoid this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dangerously Close Posted February 15, 2006 Author Share Posted February 15, 2006 I think you are right cygny. I'm probably not being honest about how I feel about the situation. I say I don't want it to happen. But the truth is, what I actually want is to mean what I say. Yesterday MM and I were alone for 2 hours. Luckily sober. We talked for awhile about various things, ignoring the "pink elephant". About a 1/2 hr before people were suppossed to be back at the house, I couldn't stand it anymore and brought it up. It was a nerve racking conversation, and probably not that productive. He agrees that it's wrong. He basically said all the exact things about himself that I've posted here about myself especially how he is shocked at his lack of self-control. The only "conclussions" we discussed were that we seemed to be able to control ourselves when we are sober. Evidenced by the 2 hrs we had been alone and nothing happening. So, we've just gotta cut alcohol out of the equation, and while it may take some time for the pink elephant to shrink and the butterfly's to go away, they should. Right??? Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 I think you are right cygny. I'm probably not being honest about how I feel about the situation. I say I don't want it to happen. But the truth is, what I actually want is to mean what I say. Yesterday MM and I were alone for 2 hours. Luckily sober. We talked for awhile about various things, ignoring the "pink elephant". About a 1/2 hr before people were suppossed to be back at the house, I couldn't stand it anymore and brought it up. It was a nerve racking conversation, and probably not that productive. He agrees that it's wrong. He basically said all the exact things about himself that I've posted here about myself especially how he is shocked at his lack of self-control. The only "conclussions" we discussed were that we seemed to be able to control ourselves when we are sober. Evidenced by the 2 hrs we had been alone and nothing happening. So, we've just gotta cut alcohol out of the equation, and while it may take some time for the pink elephant to shrink and the butterfly's to go away, they should. Right??? yes! they will--because i think your attraction to this guy is primarily sexual and not intellectual. so the sexuality is a bit easier to tame, IMO. if it were an intellectual attraction as well as sexual it would be more difficult. so cut the alcohol out, entirely! and limit the time you spend with this guy. now that you've talked he will understand you keeping your distance. if you drink make sure you do not leave the side of your BF! and kudos to you for being honest with yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
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