Am I being used?

[tinkerman]

Hi folks, I've been married for almost 10 years now and met my wife when I was just 17. We both were young and naive and neither of us had any sexual partners before we met, just teenages kisses, that sort of thing!

Anyway, I've always workshipped the ground she walks on and trusted her 110%, until recently...

 

I reckon about 5/6 years ago I started to get really suspicious of her thinking she was having a thing with her boss. There were many reasons for this, just odd behaviour and plus over the next couple of years I found cards from him hidden in her drawer. She also used to work away from home with him staying overnight and when she came back she was so tired and just different.

 

Just over a year ago I found another card which was very suspicious saying how he'd miss her when she left work (she got a new job) and signed it Love C******. This caused me to confront her when she finally confessed that she in fact kissed him one nigh she was away and that it was a drunken kiss and nothing more, saying she regretted it immediately.

I asked her was that all, made her swear and was calm and understanding throughout. I even apologised for putting her in that position, that she felt so taken for granted and neglected that she had to seek solice in another man.

 

Anyway, I promised never to mention it again but secretly I was watching her every move. So for the next year I knew if I was to confront her again I had to get solid evidence, something she couldn't deny or lie her way out of.

 

I checked her mobile phone continually and seen that they kept in regular contact but all messages (saved and received) were fairly innocent or obviously checking if the coast was clear.

 

That was until Xmas 2005 when after my wife had a night out and a few drinks I checked her phone and found a message that would sink her. It said something like "you will always be special to me", it made me sick to the stomach and I didn't know what to do.

 

To cut it short I confronted her, again she denied then I played my ace telling her I knew what was on her phone and finally she admitted that there was more than a kiss. She said that they did have sex but only once and again she regretted it immediately.

 

As I had run the scenario through my head 1001 times I was prepared for it. Again I stayed calm, didn't raise my voice and in fact told her if she really loved him then she should be with him, putting her happiness first means a lot to me. She said she didn't want that and that she wanted me, in fact she was in a really bad state and I comforted her and said we'd put it behind us and make things better between us.

 

That was two months ago and every day since I think about them together. It breaks my heart. There are so many questions I didn't ask, like did they really only have sex once, did she see him in an intimate way more than once, was the reason sex changed between us due to what she did with him, did she really love him, does she still etc?

 

My self esteem is at an all time low. I think about it at least 15-20 times a day and often break down in tears when I'm alone. I can't cope with the thought of them together and am so mad with him. He's married also but he's had no pain to suffer, I keep thinking I should tell his wife all even though I said I wouldn't.

 

Recently I've been wondering now if my son is really my child. When he was born he looked like me but was that wishful thinking? Now he certainly doesn't bear any resemblence to me or my wife.

 

I find myself analysing everything my wife says or does. We'd made love once since and that was New Years Day. I've told her I want to be intimate with her and she does nothing about it. If I don't make moves to kiss or cuddle her she does initiate.

 

Generally she does appear happy and hasn't said anything since. But I can't help thinking is she seeing him again or in contact with him? I initially told her to never speak to him again then said she didn't have to do that as I have never dictated what she can or can't do. However, she told me she phoned him after I last confronted her to say they were never to speak again.

 

Am I being naive in all of this? What can I do to make things better or find out once and for all what is going on?

 

I can't sleep properly at nights now and I'm not sure I have the strength for another confrontation. I feel like packing my bags and leaving a letter.

[salmagundi]

Hi tinkerman,

 

while you're waiting for someone who knows something about marriage and infidelity (I only know infidelity...) I'll throw in my two bits.

 

I've dealt recently with the question of whether an ex in a torrid, confused and very long and drawn out breakup was using me. Maybe she was maybe she wasnt but definitley not intentionally. But thats beside the point. The point is that I found myself in a situation that made me feel bad. A lot. I had two choices. Continue to do the back and forth dance with her and hope that one day it would feel good or...change my situation.

 

Thats what I've done and it doesnt feel great but my responsibility is to myself and if I'm in a bad spot, its my choice to stay or not. Leaving at least opens the wide road of future possibility.

 

Now, as I say, I'm not the one to counsel you ending a 10 year marriage. Even if I am 32 (jeez...) I'm...well...not a long term kind of guy. Not yet.

 

But when you say you're self esteem is at an all time low? Its because you are not respecting yourself. Its because you suspect your wife doenst respect you. Its because you are not doing what you must to be respected, if not by her than definitely by yourself. Something else I learned in my recent breakup that applies universally. Nothing feels ****tier than knowing that you are acting in a way that proves to you and everyone around you that you dont respect yourself. Trying to make like everything is fine with your wife is...well...not being responsible to yourself.

 

Did they only have sex one time? Uhhh...I seriously doubt it. She maybe thinks she can make you choke down the thought of her making one little itty bitty mistake but there's no way she is going to tell you that, actually, yeah, we've been going at it like rabbits for months now...

 

But thats beside the point because from reading your post I can see that 1 time was enough to destroy your trust in her and leave you terribly insecure in a relationship you seem to be clinging mightily to despite all eveidence to the contrary that it has gone (at least for now) completely to pot.

 

Maybe you need to think about how you are proceeding and see if there isnt a better way. I dont mean hiring a private investigator and plundering her phone records but maybe its time to firm up and tell her shes got some thinking to do while you step back from a marriage that is presently going to hell and will continue to do so until you leave for good or she decides what she really wants and what shhe is or isnt willing to give up in the long term.

 

But like I say, its not my advice to give. I cant deal rationally with the end of a 1 year relationship. What the h*ll do I know about walking away from a life partner?

 

for what its worth,

 

salmagundi

[cygny]

sorry to say this but i think you're being a little soft on her. she knows all she has to do is tell a lie, cry a little, wait a while and then basically she can do what she wants again. if you want to assure yourself that the affair has ended, i suggest you hire a PI and do the snooping thing with aid of computer programs etc because otherwise i doubt you will ever know for sure and this thing will eat you alive.

[descartes]

To cut it short I confronted her, again she denied then I played my ace telling her I knew what was on her phone and finally she admitted that there was more than a kiss. She said that they did have sex but only once and again she regretted it immediately.

 

 

Hi tinkerman! I've never been married myself, but I've dated a liar and I've seen a marriage between two good friends fall apart over this very scenario. So, even though I don't know your wife, I can tell you my experience with this type of behavior. Some people -especially women- will go through every excuse/story/lie in the book to avoid hurting your feelings. That means two things: They do, on some level, care about you and they are acting rather selfishly to preserve their relationship with you. From what you've explained here, it looks to me like you are dealing with a liar. My buddy who is recently divorced fell into this same trap. It came to light that his wife had cheated on him repeatedly, but every time he confronted her about it she would tell a new lie to soften the blow. "Oh, it was only a kiss," "It was only sex one time," "It was only with one guy," "It happened repeatedly but every time I was too intoxicated to say no." He really adored her and tried his best to trust her, but when confronted with the harsh reality that it was just a long string of lies he knew that it would never stop. Case in point: he decided that he could not be with somebody he couldn't trust.

 

My advice to you, take it however you will, is forget about trying to get to the bottom of things with her, and make your decision based on how YOU feel about this relationship. If it is driving you nuts being with somebody you can't trust, you should get out. I really do apologize for taking the ten year marriage thing rather lightly, but spending your life with somebody should at the very least bring you more joy and good memories than pain. Peace.

[tinkerman]

cygny what do you mean by using computer programs? I've thought about a PI before but basically I can't afford it. To be honest I don't think there's anything going on now, I mean physically but if she's still speaking to him etc, that would be the final straw for me.

[Art_Critic]

Tinkerman..

 

Type keylogger into google.. that is what she meant by computer programs.

 

These are stealthy programs that monitor the keyboard on a computer.

 

If they run adware programs pick one that doesn't show up on those scans

[tinkerman]

Thanks all of your advice, it's greatly appreciated.

[CaliGuy]

Tinkerman,

 

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I know you love your wife but at some point you have to decide what is in your best interest. She has admitted to having sex with another man. I seriously doubt it was just once.

 

She may love you and not want to leave you but she's not giving you her all. A marriage, to me at least, is dedicating your love to one person only. She's hardly doing that.

 

Have you been to marriage builders? That site contains a lot of advice on infidelity.

 

I do want to ask you one question. Do you have any boundaries in regards to your wife's behavior and what you will and will not accept?

[salmagundi]

I second c-g. The only way forward for you is to set boundaries respect them (very important, I set boundaries all the time and then forget them) and then make her respect them. Otherwise you wont have mutual respect in which case we have nothing to talk about because your relationship wont be worth saving.

 

I learned the hard way that given the choice between hanging on to a crumbling relationship while losing your self-respect in the process and leaving the relationship but with self-respect intact one should always choose the latter. Always.

[tinkerman]

Yes I do have boundaries in that she's had her chance, if she steps out of line again that's it. I think everyone deserves a second chance, we all make mistakes for one reason or another and I recognise somewhere in all of this I take some blame. Sure I didn't force her to have a fling but obviously she wasn't happy enough to not even consider it. I still find it hard though coping with it all. Oddly enough I passed the guy in his car this morning on my way to work and I immediately went into a real rage.

 

I hate the fact he's caused me all this hurt and agony and he's got off scot free. He's married also with wife and kids, he must be laughing behind my back.

[tinkerman]

Just one other thought guys. I don't believe in making her pay for what she did, like making references to it and dwelling in the past. But as I already said I'm having problems coping with this two months on. Should I sit her down and tell her how I'm feeling? What would be the right things to ask and expect from her? At the end of the day I only have her word for it which I found on one occasion to be a lie designed, to quote her, to spare hurting me further.

[CaliGuy]

Go to marriagebuilders, that would be a great place to start.

 

And you might want to read 'Love Must Be Tough' because I do agree you're being a bit soft on her.

[cygny]

you have a right to expect her to do whatever you need from her to rebuild your trust. that means being completely open about her life, showing you her emails and text messages, listening to your pain, etc.

 

don't let it fester.