Wife gets furious (and sometimes physically violent) when I ask innocuous questions

[JamesM]

Phil, let me first say that you have my sympathy and understanding. I cannot fathom what you are going through.

 

A couple of questions come to mind. I have not read the recent posts, so forgive me if this has been answered.

 

Have you thought of mental illnesses? Since this seems obvious, I hope I haven't been redundant. There could be bipolar, depression, or something similar.

 

Also, you mentioned that if you stayed home on weekends, she would have you working around the house. Who does the home improvement projects, lawn mowing, housecleaning, etc? And when? Could this be part of the "problem?" Does she make comments that you are not helping around the house at all (been there heard that)?

 

Tonight at home I should get an opportunity to read through your posts thoroughly. Thanks for sharing. Your situation can be of help to others.

[Phil]

Phil, let me first say that you have my sympathy and understanding. I cannot fathom what you are going through.

 

A couple of questions come to mind. I have not read the recent posts, so forgive me if this has been answered.

 

Have you thought of mental illnesses? Since this seems obvious, I hope I haven't been redundant. There could be bipolar, depression, or something similar.

 

Also, you mentioned that if you stayed home on weekends, she would have you working around the house. Who does the home improvement projects, lawn mowing, housecleaning, etc? And when? Could this be part of the "problem?" Does she make comments that you are not helping around the house at all (been there heard that)?

 

Tonight at home I should get an opportunity to read through your posts thoroughly. Thanks for sharing. Your situation can be of help to others.

 

James, thanks for the response. Myself and others who are familiar with her tendencies think she may be bipolar and/or suffering from depression.

 

It's not so much that she would have me doing things around the house that I don't like to do. I realize that these things need to be done and try to get them done. But it's the way she goes about having me do these things. She has absolutely no concept of Stephen Covey's urgent vs. important philosophy that's preached in his book seven habits of highly effective people.

 

She creates big messes with the things she likes to do and expects me to clean up after her. It's not much different from you spending much of your weekend and evenings working on your car and expecting your wife to do the dirty work like go to the parts store to pick up parts, put away your tools when you're done or clean up all the grease that gets left on the garage floor.

[Phil]

I can so relate with you on some of the things your spouse is doing . My s/o can get angry when i ask simple questions as well . My s/o has a history of anger in his family and he throws and breaks things as well. I am at my wits end on this type of behavior and don't think it is healthy . I want to be with someone that i am not afraid to say things to and not have to walk on eggshells all the time. My s/o has had anger management but i can't see where it has helped at all . He says it is my fault and i make him do the things he does. My s/o has done some things to me that aren't appropriate . He has never beat me but still has been abusive in a way grabbing ,pushing ,belittling it is all the same thing. Abuse is abuse no matter what physical or mental . I feel for you and if you need someone to relate to you pm me and we can talk . Hugs to you know what you are dealing with. These things that they do are bully tactics to make us think they can't get no better and make us never want to leave . It is a control thing and the fact they are very insecure with themselves.

Very well said. It is a control thing. And when I stopped being a doormat and put my foot down, she realized she could no longer have life with me the way she knew and began all the talk of separation and proceeded to start moving her stuff out of the house.

 

Also interesting that you say they're bullying tactics. I agree with you. But more interesting is that my wife accuses me of bullying her.