The kids finally know

[lint]

Last night my daughter called my H and told him that she had seen the divorce papers that was served to him on his computer desk. She has been holding this info in the last 2 weeks. She's away at college & comes home periodically. I only got to hear the end of their conversation & both were crying over the phone. It made me feel worse than I already have felt. I talked to my son about the pending divorce and needless to say that he is devasted by the news. I had to take my brother to work and my H took the oppty to talk w/ our son and gave him the short story which was:

"he has strayed from church and lost his membership and because

of that, I indirectly fell in love with another man."

 

I couldn't believe what I had heard from my son. He had asked about the OM and I told him that he's been a long time friend and yes that I had developed feelings for him. I told him that there was more to the story than just that & that I needed to talk to my H to clear the air.

 

I confronted the H & told him how come he didn't tell the whole truth re: his past that led me to another man's comfort. How come he didn't come clean with his porn, drugs, the mental abuse & the OW. He said that I shouldn't bring up his sins to make me "look better" in front of the kids.

 

So my children aren't opening up to me, my H left for a golf trip for the rest of this week & left me to pick up the pieces.

 

Do I expose my H's sordid past that led me to another man's comfort or just continue to protect his image as I have been these past couple of years. Would it make me look like a vindictive person? Of all the scenerios that I had envisioned telling my children about our failed marriage, I never thought of this scene.

[Ladylay]

Do I expose my H's sordid past that led me to another man's comfort or just continue to protect his image as I have been these past couple of years. Would it make me look like a vindictive person? Of all the scenerios that I had envisioned telling my children about our failed marriage, I never thought of this scene.

 

 

Speaking from an adults point of view.

My parents split when I was very young 3

My mother never bad-mouthed my dad, because she had the affair.

My Dad always bad-mouthed my mum. From about the age of five he called her slut, whore, etc.

As I grew older I resented my dad for slagging off my mum.

She never bad mouthed him, even when I told her what he had said, called her.

The result was this : At the ripe old age of 30 I woke up, and realized for myself that the reason my mum turned to, a.n. other !!was because my dad was an emotional cripple who could not move foward , after 27 years he still slagged off my mother, whilst she stayed "Stum".

 

So as hard as it is stay stum.Because in the end your kids will realize, why you turned to a.n.other .

 

You will shine through as the dignified one. They will find out for themselves,be a lady and stay stum.

[Ladyjane14]

Well damn....he didn't have any trouble pushing YOU down on that grenade, did he?

 

I don't know what anybody else would do, but I know I wouldn't cover for him. He had an opportunity to take the high road and just tell the kids that Mom and Dad were having 'problems'. Instead, he chose to throw you under the bus as the cheater.

 

I believe if it were me, I'd go ahead and clear the air. If your daughter is in college, she's old enough to hear the truth. Secrets just fester anyway.

 

Mind you, I'd not go into any sordid detail, but I'd give them the bare bones of it. Take that advice with a grain of salt.... 'cause I'm not sure if it's the right thing or not. It's just what I'd do.

[cygny]

it sounds like your children are adults or nearly so (in college) so i don't think they need to be protected from the truth, in fact i think it would be a little insulting to them and perhaps not a great example to make them operate in darkness and under false impressions. they were after all a part of the family and deserve to know why it is breaking up, and will likely find out from 3rd parties eventually if you do not tell them, alternatively keeping quiet hands the power over to your H to spin the story any way he wants. however i would not malign your ex, ever,to your children because that will cause their emotions to be mixed, and do not go into any detail. just give the barest facts and do not bring it up again. the children are old enough to understand.

[Art_Critic]

I agree that you need to clear the air and tell them. They are old enough to know the truth.

 

But bear in mind that your husband ( as guilty of adultery as he is ) did not push you into the arms of another..

That my dear was your choice.. You also cheated on your husband.

 

so when you tell your kids the story remember to accept responsiblity for your affair like an adult.. that after all is what you are expecting him to do.

 

Don't plead your case.. tell your children the truth and let them process it.

and don't try and turn them against him.. He will have to deal with the bed he has made on his own with the kids just as you will.

 

Good luck..

[a4a]

great advice Art. Do not play the blame game and no need to give them any sorted details ect.

 

a4a

[lint]

I meet with both of my kids on Thursday. At the request of my daughter, she asked me to bring her brother and we're heading to her college and hopefully have a heart to heart talk. I appreciate the advice that was given and have somewhat of a game plan.

 

Most importantly, I need to explain the OM to them and keep it as simplified as possible. That our friendship started over 31 years ago & we have gotten very close emotionally the past 18 mo's. They need to know that we have become best friends and have a love for each other & that is all at this point. And if that day ever comes where our relationship takes us to marriage (looking at 2+ years), but for now & while I have been married, a sexual relationship had never occurred & will never occur unless we take that next step which is marriage.

 

My question: Do I just bare the facts that he cheated on me & that's why the church ex'd him or do I go into all the other issues that makes up the whole picture of our marriage problems, even though my husband just sees our problems that lie with the OM.

 

I always told my H that I would never ever bad mouth him to our children because I do still love him. Its just that I realized that he will never change & if I were to stay married to him, I would have to change my values & I'm not quite sure I can do that.

 

Thanks in advance for your reading eyes & advice. You guys are the best.

[cygny]

i would mention the other things very briefly, as things that further indicate the divide between the two of you. otherwise your children may hope for a reconciliation and hold you at fault for not forgiving the affair. if they realize it is a complex of things, they will see the impossibility.

 

i think it is good that you have not begun a sexual affair with the OM because that gives your relationship with him more credibility. is he married too? what about his wife, if he has one?

 

i agree with art that your actions are your responsibility. you should not present your affair as a logical and necessary result of your husband's actions.

[Mz. Pixie]

Most importantly, I need to explain the OM to them and keep it as simplified as possible. That our friendship started over 31 years ago & we have gotten very close emotionally the past 18 mo's. They need to know that we have become best friends and have a love for each other & that is all at this point. And if that day ever comes where our relationship takes us to marriage (looking at 2+ years), but for now & while I have been married, a sexual relationship had never occurred & will never occur unless we take that next step which is marriage.

 

My question: Do I just bare the facts that he cheated on me & that's why the church ex'd him or do I go into all the other issues that makes up the whole picture of our marriage problems, even though my husband just sees our problems that lie with the OM.

 

 

I'm sorry. At this point your children do not need to hear you singing the praises of OM. They have just found out their parents are splitting up. Do not discuss with them the future of your relationship with him or remarriage at this point, they are not ready for that.

 

I would explain to them that yes, I had a friend and who it was briefly. Then, I would tell them diplomatically that part of the reason some of this happened was that their father had cheated earlier in the marriage which resulted in him being asked to leave the church etc.

 

Tell them that you need for them to have the full story. That you had never planned to tell them anything bad about their father but that you feel that you need to clear the air now and let them know the things he had done to end the marriage. Admit that what you did was wrong and that you made mistakes but that he is not blameless. Don't slam him in your talk, just be matter of fact and business like.

 

At some point later on they may want to meet the OM but that's WAY down the line right now. Right now their hearts are broken and they do not want to hear how much better this other guy is, even if it's true. Their loyalty would be to their dad in that situation and you're only going to get frustrated with them when they defend him.

[Ladylay]

My question: Do I just bare the facts that he cheated on me & that's why the church ex'd him or do I go into all the other issues that makes up the whole picture of our marriage problems, even though my husband just sees our problems that lie with the OM.

 

No dont blame your husband for your O.M.

Keep your dignity, I am not saying take the blame, however sometimes it is better to say less, bite your tongue.

 

In years to come you will imo be glad you did.

For example when your children 'get married' have children, You & your X will have to communicate.

Try thinking ahead and possible situations you may be in.

I hated & worried that at my wedding my dad would start slagging off my mum, because he had said such vile things about her.

I really wish you well but be careful. Good luck.

[lint]

Thanks for all the great advice. I get the opportunity to sit down with both children Thursday night and told them to have their ?s ready. I had advised my H who is golfing in FL of what I'll be doing and that I would be more forthright & honest with them than his short version. I told him that I was so naive in waiting for the "right" moment as a family to sit down to discuss our problems as he always wanted to do & put it off and yet to go behind my back & did it the way he did was cowardly.

 

Cyg: as far as the OM, he has been divorced going on 6 years. His wife left him for another man and she is no longer in good standing in the "church".

 

I would do anything to spare my children the hurt and I had even thought of calling the divorce off after seeing my son cry. I suggested that to my H the other nite but the thing that sticks out in my mind the most of what he told me: "What makes you think that I even want you" and "You have not made yourself desireable to me to want you." I tell myself that he says this out of hurt and anger because of affair w/ the OM but in the end.

 

I do love my H and a part of me always will. We still are friends for the most part and have become more like room-mates recently but his pride is a big problem that when does rock bottom arrive to see the damage that's been done?

[Becoming]

Wow, lint. A lot's happened in a few days, huh?

 

How old is your son?

 

You need to divorce in order to show your son this is not the way you treat a woman.

 

You're going through a tough time right now. Just reassure the kids that it was nothing they did and help them process this from a more transcendent point of view--that you thought love would last forever, but that your H's behavior put an end to that possibility when he violated your marital covenant with an affair, lying, gambling, etc. These are not behaviors you want your kids to tolerate from any of their future spouses, right? So why ARE you protecting your H? You don't need to go into the sordid details or bad-mouth him, but you need to let the kids process what's happened as much as they can. And then you can be honest about your own missteps as a result of this betrayal and reassure them that nothing physical has happened with you and OM. Reassure them that you want to get along with your H during this process for their sakes, and that even tho you can't control what H will do, you'll do your best to be straight with them to help them through.

 

The kids are gonna want to know what's going to happen to them in this process. Will your daughter need to get a job to pay for rent? Will your son be moving, changing schools, etc. And they need to know that you can be there to listen to them. They may want to protect you by not sharing anything with you of their own feelings. Let them know you're there for them to process things with in the future.

 

And I know you're a praying woman, so you might end with that, asking briefly for help and comfort.

 

Best wishes and blessings, lint. You can do this.

[cal gal]

Thanks for all the great advice. I get the opportunity to sit down with both children Thursday night and told them to have their ?s ready. I had advised my H who is golfing in FL of what I'll be doing and that I would be more forthright & honest with them than his short version. I told him that I was so naive in waiting for the "right" moment as a family to sit down to discuss our problems as he always wanted to do & put it off and yet to go behind my back & did it the way he did was cowardly.

 

Cyg: as far as the OM, he has been divorced going on 6 years. His wife left him for another man and she is no longer in good standing in the "church".

 

I would do anything to spare my children the hurt and I had even thought of calling the divorce off after seeing my son cry. I suggested that to my H the other nite but the thing that sticks out in my mind the most of what he told me: "What makes you think that I even want you" and "You have not made yourself desireable to me to want you." I tell myself that he says this out of hurt and anger because of affair w/ the OM but in the end.

 

I do love my H and a part of me always will. We still are friends for the most part and have become more like room-mates recently but his pride is a big problem that when does rock bottom arrive to see the damage that's been done?

 

My husband cheated on me and I have teenage boys. I only give my boys enough basic info as to what their question entails and what they basically need to know. If you try to make hubby look bad, they will harbor resentment.

 

Concentrate on having a healthy separate relationship with them (kids) and only speak of hubby if a direct question is asked!

 

Kids (no matter what the age) really only want to know - HOW WILL THIS WHOLE THING AFFECT ME?

 

With that concept in mind.... don't share any personal situations or feelings that would make you or hubby look bad!

 

THEY WANT AND NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOVE YOU BOTH! Don't take that away from them, as hard as it might be, DUMP ON YOUR BEST FRIEND INSTEAD!

 

Good luck, and keep posting! You will find solice in the support here if you stay!

[lint]

Thanks for the advice - First of all, my whole problem about slamming my husband - that has never happened. I have protected his image to his friends, family & our children. And the reason why I did that is because I love him. As much as I want to slam him & expose him for what he truly is, I can't. I love my children so much and I would never want to tell them how mean he was to me, ie: telling me how pathetic I am & that the only one who will have mercy on my pitiful soul will be God.

 

I did warn my H that if I caught him slamming me or the OM, I would dig out every stinking letter he sent me telling me how everything was my fault. My fault that he took the drugs, my fault that he had sex, my fault that he got kicked out of the church.

 

Whoever said that Divorce is the easy way out when in reality staying married is?

 

By the way, my son is 15 years old & a sophmore. I always thought that I could stick it out & wait til my son graduates from HS but each year, I find it harder & harder to pretend.