He love me but why am I hurting.

[Baby]

Im too distraught right now Ive been crying for days again. I met a perfectly wonderful guy a few months ago. We met online. The First time we meet was great. It was for 2 weeks. And we both cant wait to see each other again.

 

The second time, 2months plus later, we fought. Alot. My divorce was just final and I also was in another break up with another guy which didnt work out. It was such a turmoil of my life.

 

I was forced to face the real world. Alone. Out of the comfort of my home, my family, my children that I know of all my life. I was nervous, afraid. I became defensive. Like a wild child I scream for his attention all the while. I want validation constantly that I was loved and important in his life. I was being very impossible. I thought I have to defend myself now that Im on my own, against the whole world. I was finding myself. I dont know what I still want then. I was jumping from one place to another. I bring along all my ghost with me when I went to him.

 

As days progress to weeks, to months, I was able to discover and notice for myself that he is the greatest one for me. That Im so lucky to have him in my life. That I dont know what Ill be if not for him. He brought me home when I was truly at my lowest point of my life. He has cared for me beyond someone who dont deserve it. He was really patient with me.

 

He is the sweetest guy Ive ever met. He showers me everyday with love, he truly love me for me and I want to change from being mean and evil to nice and I have been nice and sweet to him then. For I really want this to work for I do really really love him.

Its been nice and wonderful despite of sometime we still have different opinion. But I learned alot those 3 months Im with him. He teaches me alot about life, money, patience, joy, pain, love especially.

 

Ive become a different person and it changes my persperctive about a whole lot of things. Now I never want a different life anymore he gave me joys that no amount of money or treasure in the world can buy.

 

Finally it was time for me to go home. We both cried. It was especially sweetest those last few days. I cried so much and he did too and he promise hell bring me back. He says he want to see me again. That I am coming home back to him soon. And I go home so sad but happy knowing I will.

 

Now Im home, and he have time for himself alone, he can see clearly and now think that we re not good together. Were great as friends but not good as a couple.

 

He still hope that then, was just a fluke. But when I got home and we still fight even online, thats when he decided.

 

My whole world collapse when he says that. He breaks up with me. I was devastated. I know I sabotage my own relationship. I cried and cried and finally have a talk with him. I told him I dont want to break up. I want to change instead I want to make this work. I know I can for now Im over that crazy phase of my life.

 

We got to talkin again and he decide hell stay with me as long as I still need him. He still wants me as his best friend he ever had.

 

He tell me not to change. But to give him time to get past all the hurts before he can see me again. He says hes not brave now to walk away but also hes not brave enough to want to marry me now after all that hurricane. He needed to straighten his head out. It was so hurtful for him that I took out my life turmoil on him. Hes just not ready to see me yet and he fears if we meet again now, we will fight again and tis time it will be him who will be impossible. I Know that isnt an excuse for me and it wasnt fair to him at all. He was innocent caught up in the moment. But I have. And I want to be forgiven so much.

 

He says I cant expect him to just forget all those times. He say he still love me despite all those time but to give him time right now. He was so happy when I got off the plane and was so ready for me. To marry and share his life with me. Now he isnt anymore and to give him time just like he has given me when I was finding myself. Now its my turn he said. For he has waited and waited and waited and he waited too long.

 

I miss him so terribly its almost 2 months now but I still cant come back yet. Hes my world and I want to come home to him so much. And now I cried again and I want to see him, touch his face so bad. I misses him so much it pains me everyday we re apart. And he still says, no Im not ready and to give me some time baby....

I know what to do Ive read so much in here but Still I needed to know..

 

I yearn for him to comfort and love me. And caress me just like he has ....those 3 months Im with him. I dont want to spend rest of my life alone knowing what I have done to cause it. I have found and was given the perfect dream man Ive looked for all my life and now I blew it. He told me even when hes not with me here, I shd be able feel him for he thought about me all the time even when hes not on the phone with me or onLine with me. Please anyone..........help me. He said he love me but Im not good for him. Just like cocaine, he told me some people love cocaine but its not good for them and they shd leave it. Help me get him back. I rather die than not havin him in my life. Not able to see him and hold him...I m just so happy to be near him even if nothing else does. please dear God please help me bring him back to me...please

how do I ever redeem my sin. Ill give anything ...

(I love you baby..from the very bottom of my heart, from the deepest of my soul, please forgive me ..and hold my hands again)

[riobikini]

Dear B,

 

Look, he may have been a great guy, -he really may have.

 

You could actually be the only person I know to have found that one special guy out of , -say- millions currently in online dating sites, who was truly genuine.

 

Maybe.

 

But it doesn't matter.

 

I don't know if you have pre-existing emotional problems, (you didn't say), but I can read you enough through your post to perceive that you simply do not need to be in any romantic relationship with anyone in the emotional state you were in just previously to hooking up with this guy, as well as the emotional state you are currently in.

 

You are in no shape to be making too many decisions, at all, -except for one major one: getting help for you.

 

And I don't mean 'help' as in giving you advice to patch things up with the 'online guy', -I mean 'help' as in getting you through the agony and, perhaps, the obsession, and other possible emotional problems you are dealing with.

 

Is this manic behavior mixed in?

 

I can't say, -but it sounds worse than the worse 'normal' break-up.

 

It sounds like you've never let go very easily with any romantic relationship and that you may have had overlapping relationships that never gave you time to heal from any of them, thus, causing you a greater amount of confusion with just who, or which relationship it is that you're actually breaking from, as well as some confusion over who it is you're projecting, or focusing your feelings of 'love' on, in the first place.

 

This whole mess of feelings and where they belong, and who they came from, has to be straightened out.

 

You're a mess, -and the buck has to stop somewhere.

 

If I knew more about this, (you, actually) - I'd tell you to take yourself to the nearest clinic and check yourself in for a month or so, -and truth is, I'm tempted to tell you that, anyway.

 

No doubt that you need help, but you are the primary one to seek it from whatever source you think is best.

 

I know that LS people will give you the best they have in the way of comfort and advice, but I think you need help beyond what can be given here.

 

Please consider all I have said to you, -hugs- and God bless you.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[Baby]

txs Rio for takin the time to read and assess and replying me.

Alot of what you say is right. someting I never see clearly before. I do bring my ghost when I came to him something that I never settle first, true. I thought I was ready. but I did..towards the end..

I manage to find out what I want and whats really worth in front of me. I am also pretty much alone and I only have myself for comfort and dry my own tears. besides him. of course. When you mention clinic tho do you meant to say....mental?

thank you Rio.

[riobikini]

Therapy might work for you, B.

 

Check around and see what's available to you.

 

I care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[skeptik224]

I agree that you need to step away from EVERYTHING...It looks like you've been using a relationship to avoid dealing with the lonliness and other issues within yourself. You need to seek advice from a professional. It's not a bad thing at all...I'm in therapy myself. It's just someone who can help you deal with what's going on inside. Are you seeking love from someone else because you don't love yourself? Are you looking for someone else to fill the voids within you? I don't know you, but I'd say the answers are yes. This last person you were with may really be that special person or the great guy you've always been looking for, but you won't be able to appreciate him to his fullest when you don't appreciate yourself. Stay single, work on you and then see what's next....otherwise, you're going to explode and only hurt yourself and innocent people who only want to get to know you. They can't get to know the real you if you don't know her yourself.

[Baby]

Thanks Skeptik for your reply.

truthly I do love myself. maybe I also always love someone I love, more than myself when Im in a relationship. I tried too hard . than I open myself to hurt be vulnerable and susceptible when others love me less. Or dont understand me. I do want to better myself and be more confidence. I sometime want someone else to depend on me. I want them to be the one calling and worried about me instead of me always worryin for them.

No one wants to be abandon. True joy is within ourselves but joy can be multiplied if u share with someone.

I want to appreciate him to his fullest and I am trying.

Thanks guys.

[Baby]

I never want to hurt him or be like that again..It was very ugly and I have learned sometin valuable out of it. I kill it prematurely. I have alots of work to do from the ground up. I Hope its not too late.

[skeptik224]

I'm a firm believer that it's never too late. I don't necessarily like the "depend" comment. You shouldn't be dependant on someone and they shouldn't be dependant on you. It should be an equal share. I'm a victim of abandonment from childhood, and I can tell you that it's not a fun experience. Whether it's from a parent or a partner, there still lies issues that need to be worked through. Once you work through the issues that you have - regardless of how many or the depth of the issue - you will see so much clearer. It's only at that time that the possibility of a healthy relationship will exist...whether it's with a past partner or a new partner.

[Baby]

i was under the wind again today. I cried and beg him. I misses him so much. I have learn this painful lesson. I have.

Still the answers the same.

....to give him more time.. more time to be able to trust me.

 

What should I do?

 

I sometimes feels Love doesnt exist. What exist is just lies and that lies are LOVE. Everytime I got to close to love, its pulled away outta my grasp. Love shdnt be too hard...love shdnt have to beg, to plead, to cry. Love shd be joyful, full of kindness, happiness. But why is love always this way.. why??

 

It makes me want to not believe in this things called LOVE anymore. Its either its cursed or Im cursed.

 

I know im wronged and I have been punished. but how long more shd I be punished? Its hurts so bad. Opposite of Love is hurt why then are we all yearning for it. I want to meet him again so much I miss him for so long now it kills me in the inside. When u miss someone so bad its unbearable.

 

I sometimes want to just give it all up so I wont feel pain and torture anymore. I wish I know how to quit him but theres also still a part of me, being human, who errs often, who still wants another human in my life that I cud be able to share with in time of happines and sadness. They say Humans contact is the best medicine. A simple kindness, a hug, boost a confidence of a deprived child, by the hundrendth. And thats what all I need too.

All I want is someone who wud love me and not leave me knowing I want them so much in my life. They not someone who makes us happy but is the reason for us. me. to be happy. For without LOVE I am but a bitter person. With love, I smile alot and being happy in the inside, love does that to you. Its simple, yet so huge. Thats all I wanted and ever wanted...............

 

He love me but to give him more time. ITs brutally painful but I also want to prove how much I sincerely love him. so no matter how much more pain I have to go thru, I will. I need to. To prove myself too.

 

Love is Patient. But being a victim of Patient, havin to wait, a long long time, with no exact due date, Love, SUXS!!!

 

anyways...back to how I ever get him back? anyone...

that or I died first....I bag the earlier.

[Baby]

ok this has been weird now. Nowadays im the only one who calls him.. alot.

Last friday he said hell call me back after he finish his work. Saturday rolls in nothing. Sunday..still nothing.

Usually I wud have call him again but Im starting to realise sometin here.. that he no longer shows any interest in me. So I have not call him back tru out the whole weekends.

I begin to accept and hear what my inner voice is tellin me. That this guy who was all over me in the beginning, is starting to feel cold. Its very sad.

 

Anyway my doubt is......Im callin him every morning, waking him up for work. But now I dont know what I shd do anymore. Shd I continue doing that or dont?

 

I love him so much and Im fine doing that for him, everday. But I dont want to feels im the only one working for this relationship. I know Ive done some grieve mistakes in the past and tryin so damn hard to amend myself. To redeem all my sins. But I also need some sign that Im still wanted. I want to feel some love too.

 

I bought him a present and its been weeks but its still at the post office sitting there, not collected til now. If that were me, I wud have run to see what my loves send me. He is busy and that is true. but....u know?

 

Or that I wud make the time no matter how busy I am to call back cuz the smile on my loves face when hearing my voice/call, is priceless. I dont want to upset the one I love when I told him I ll call u back after I finish my work here.

One day, I was out but I went home just so I cud wake him up and then leave my house again for I have not finish what I was doing that day. I will do anything and I dont care cuz I love him. Hes my priority and he comes first. But when you keep doing sometin nice and no one appreciate em, its rough.

 

Never have I thought itll be reduced to this. Does that sounds like someone loves me back. I know I have to face reality now. Every promise seems like a distant memory now.

 

I never intends to hurt him I just wish Im love back the way I love him. I dont deserve it but I dont deserve to be ignored too. If its too painful for him to hear my voice or too troublesome to be callin me, then I dont want him callin me too. Why must love be a chore? Shd I just let it go.........

 

Please friends out there....tell me what to do. Thank you so much.