Can a person overcome commitment phobia

[joefin]

Hi

Im dating a guy who is seeking professional help for commitment phobia. He is 39 and has never been or wanted to married before now. He has spent 4 months in theory dealing with his situation because he believes he would love to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me but is terrified of making the commitment. His phobia stems from a traumatic youth.

 

If there any possibility that someone can really get over this problem? If so how best can i support my partner? I want to be there for him as best i can.

[Shark Skin]

I hate to say it, but if the guy needs therapy to help him to the altar, it's not going to work. Regardless of what happened to him as a child, If he loves you and is 100 PERCENT SURE your the "one", than the past does not matter. Alot of us have experienced some kind of trauma or abuse of some kind growing up, but you have to, at some point, MOVE ON. I'm sorry, but it sounds like this guy is always going to use his past as a crutch, and that is not fair to you.

[ReluctantRomeo]

If he loves you and is 100 PERCENT SURE your the "one", than the past does not matter.

 

Yes, and neither will finance, or stress, or circumstances or sex... you'll never have arguments and you'll receive annual visits from Santa and the Easter bunny

 

Sarcasm apart, I think the litmus test is how genuinely you think he is working on his issues. And the progress being made - even if he is trying hard, he may never resolve them.

 

And one golden rule: make sure he is doing as much of the chasing and taking as much of the initiative as you.

[joefin]

Hi thank you guys for your message.

 

"If he loves you and is 100 PERCENT SURE your the "one", than the past does not matter."

You could be right but i would like to give him 100% and not walk away until i am ready to but i really believe he is putting 100% in trying to resolve his problems (if there really is such thing as commitment phobia or he's if he is too selfish to have someone in his life). In a short space of time we have become extremely close. (only going out 1yr but friends about 4yrs)

 

"Sarcasm apart, I think the litmus test is how genuinely you think he is working on his issues. And the progress being made - even if he is trying hard, he may never resolve them."

He appears to be and I really believe, very genuine. My thoughts are he would NEVER have admitted to his problem and seeked professional help had he not have believed himself he would like to resolve this and move on. He has always just walked away from relationships and until now he says he has never wanted someone in his life full time as his does me now. I never asked him to marry me or anything like this but he knew by my ways in time this is what i would love. He got the vibe Im a homely person i guess. He could have just finished it or gone on for yrs going out with me and not have bothered going through what he is now, if didnt believe himself that not letting me down in the future would be exactly what we would be doing if he didnt tried to deal with his situation now.

 

And one golden rule: make sure he is doing as much of the chasing and taking as much of the initiative as you."

Its about 50 / 50 really at the moment. He may phone a couple of times a day or i may phone him depending on what we're up to. He are still in good touch with eachother and meet up each week.

 

Do you think im right??

I have told him that if he cant have me as his girlfriend I really dont know if I can be his bestfriend like we have been for years and will need to move away from being around him. Otherwise i will never be able to get over him properly and there is no way i can let someone else into my life until i can do this. He was upset by me saying this because we are so close but i know in my heart i will never be able to have him has just a friend and truely let go.

 

Im often in tears by the thoughts of loosing him and this has both of us under terrible strain. This is why he said that he is going to try resolve this within the next month otherwise its not fair on me putting me through his and ultimatly ruining my chance of meeting someone who give me all i deserve as he would put it.

 

My gut says he couldnt be more genuines but does anyone out there believe someone in his situation can change their ways and allow someone into their lives fulltime??