SadBabyGirl Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Fellas help a fellow sister out Ive met this great guy online (ugh i know) and we recently hooked up and everything was fantastic, realistically. I mean we totally hit it off, went on incredible dates and well you know, basically EVERYTHING was perfect, compatible, hot... Like in the movies. We're like the best of friends and im just smitten right now... yup the good old euphoric beginning stage....So then... out of curiosity I just casually mentioned like what are your views on marriage (I secretly was thinking about us lol but Id NEVER tell, im studying psychology so thats my exuse hah) and he said well he is the kind of person that believes in the steps of taking it slow at first and like seeing where it goes u know like getting to really KNOW her first before hooking up and sealing the deal for real.. Then he said its not like after a week of meeting u id ask u to marry me! So I took that as It was some way of telling me that he wasnt looking at me futuristically OR that he wants to still leave the door open in case other 'opportunities' arrive. Now i know this sounds silly maybe im just looking at this all wrong coz his actions really proved to me that he is a caring, understanding guy. He is like one of those people that u always wanted to meet but thought u never would until it hit u over the head it was your best friend all along, the one who u always leaned on his shoulder, took care of u and had good n bad times..who called u just to wish u a good nite standing out side in blizzard cold temps. Like the person who pretty much would do ANYTHING for u. That kind of friend. Anyways I really want to keep a good thing going, with good lasting impressions that can lead us into a nice long term relationship without scaring him off. I do want to ask him u know like what are we, friends? roomates? do u want a relationship with me? WITHOUT scaring him off u know? Whatdya think? He seems to be really drawn to independant, career oriented type women. Not that I am not, im a student but im a little too 'available' if u know what i mean. I wanna keep his interest going without losing the respect and crazy feelings he has right now. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 out of curiosity I just casually mentioned like what are your views on marriage Belive me, he knew you were fishing. Remember you are a student not a teacher. Anyways I really want to keep a good thing going, with good lasting impressions that can lead us into a nice long term relationship without scaring him off Jesus you just met the guy, how bout you stop asking about marriage or where this is going for a while. Your gonna come off as some kinda needy pychochick. i mean 'So I took that as It was some way of telling me that he wasnt looking at me futuristically OR that he wants to still leave the door open in case other 'opportunities' arrive. ' you really need to relax a bit. I know hes great, just enjoy yourself for like 6 months or so. Then you can ask where this is going. OH BTW POST 300!!! golf claps all around!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 he said well he is the kind of person that believes in the steps of taking it slow at first and like seeing where it goes u know like getting to really KNOW her first before hooking up and sealing the deal for real.. And yet you assume something different. Here's what to do: believe what he told you and don't ask any more 'where is this going' questions. Some people think it's better to be friends first and let love grow if it will and he seems to be one of them. So be friends first. Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 The "where do you see this relationship going" is a frightening question for anyone. It just sets someone up for disappointment and emotional upheaval since it is so frequently not the case that people see eye to eye on this. I don't understand why you are trying to push this relationship to marriage already. You should just enjoy it for what it is and let things come in their own time. If things are as great between you two as you describe then he will definitely want to keep you around. Don't over think it and worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Asking the dreaded * question * could spell DOOM for your relationship. Don't have the * talk *. Because when he wants exclusivity he will talk to you about it. NEVER initiate that talk . Always assume he does not want it til you hear it from his MOUTH. Remember what I just said . Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Slow Down! You barely know this guy and are thinking marriage. I wouldn't bring up the relationship thing again until he brings it up. You'll just scare him off. Let him date you and pursue you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadBabyGirl Posted February 9, 2006 Author Share Posted February 9, 2006 Yeah we talked for about 4 months over the phone before meeting, and when we met it was perfect. I guess I just got confused coz ' like i read all those novels about how 'not' to scare off a guy, like this one e book called catch him and keep him. But the problem is, most of the books say "you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and communicate with your partner, tell him from the beginning what you want. Yeah its risky to get rejected but it said if you are honest from the beginning and later if he tried to leave you hed prob say something like oh well you never told me we 'were in a relationship' or 'you wanted one with me'.... I agree with all of you its early. I noticed with guys, the more I slyly back off and keep real busy with my schedule, the more they come around. Especially if I ignore em a little-- not playing a game.. but not acting overly needy and clingy. My guy is a 'actions speak louder then words' type. He will do many affectionate and generous things but wont be mushy or emotional Verbally. If he does, its easier for him to do it in subtle words or emails. Thats the only thing that throws me off sometimes coz im left wondering 'does he feel the same'? Maybe its that good ol' diff btween men and women. Im more emotional lol. Anyhow im blabbering on lol, thanks everyone Ill try my best not to smother the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 I think not lying is a good thing. But i dont think revealing the truth is always the best way. Its all about playing the game, and saying to yourself 'Well if he dosnt like me for who i am, i dont want him' is a cop out. Relationships are alot of work and alot of verbal strategy. If hes already going out with you then you know he likes you. No sense getting all insecure about it. Just go with the flow and it will work or it wont. You got more stuff in your life to worry about then if he the one or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mydish1 Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 everything you stated seems awkwardly similar to me and this girl. However me and her had the talk after the first month of dating and agreed not to be exclusive. However she was the first to bring up the talk. I think the key here is communication/honesty. however she too, was terrified of me running off cause she didnt want exclusivity. As for your situation, if you really want to have 'the talk' then go for it, no harm in doing so. probably go ahead and ask "so what do you tell your friends about us?"....however the answer will probably be broad. so maybe you can be more specific nothing said is ever written in stone, often times actions speak louder tahn words. Link to post Share on other sites
ClassiFemme Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Yeah rejection is scary but if you are developing feelings for this person then you might want to see where their head is at regarding your "relationship"... I've been in situations where I didn't ask when I wondered and 6 months down the line I'm damn near loving on this guy and he's out smashing other chicks with no intention of being with me. Then I've been in situations where I asked where this was going and he said he didn't want a girlfriend, and I continued being how we were and again, it never worked out in my favor. So now I just say be honest with what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, and asking for it. If he rejects you then you just look at it like at least you knew early on that he wasn't on your level yet instead of waiting and waiting for something that may never be... that's what I think. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperMonk Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 It's okay to talk about marriage, at least you know where he stands and you stand. Don't think of it as a bad thing to talk about it either, you two are both mature people and the marriage is usually a critical step to commiting yourself to another. But you must both have a real relationship for a long period (at least a year) rather than having a superficial phone/online relationship from what I understand. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 out of curiosity I just casually mentioned like what are your views on marriage (I secretly was thinking about us lol but Id NEVER tell, im studying psychology so thats my exuse hah) LOL, yeah right "secretly". That's as obvious as it gets. You're gonna freak this guy out, SadBabyGirl. Relax. Link to post Share on other sites
fraidycat Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Ah, thank Goodnes for message boards huh? Since we're all so good at solving other peoples problems instead of our own..HA! anyhow, listein girl- Just because he said he's not going to meet you and marry you in a week doesn't mean anything..oh wait it does..it means he has a brain. Sure, maybe you two hit it off and you're a great girl- but you just met! There's nothing wrong with a guy who wants to take it slow- He's just smart is all- he's aware or he has learned that emotions can be fickle and fleeting and he wants to rely on more than that which is subject to change. He likes to build a relationship and memories with someone he wants to know who they are not run down the aisle over a good time. If you two are all hot and great with eachother then what's the rush in the first place? The problem with people these days is too many people use their microwaves instead of the oven. Sometimes you need to use the oven and you're being a complete drama queen if you overanalyze that comment and make it to mean he's not into you. Link to post Share on other sites
BenefitOfTheDoubt Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I guess I just got confused coz ' like i read all those novels about how 'not' to scare off a guy, like this one e book called catch him and keep him. But the problem is, most of the books say "you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and communicate with your partner, tell him from the beginning what you want. Just fielding a guess here because I've never read a book like this before, but I think what it's saying is that you should go into relationships knowing what you're looking for (i.e., committed relationship, casual relationship, friends with benefits, etc.) and be honest with your partner about that general goal. In other words, it's one thing to say early in a relationship, "I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready for a serious and committed relationship." But it's another thing entirely to say, "I'm ready for a serious and committed relationship, and I really feel like you could be the one for me." The first version is entirely focused on you and what you're looking for regardless of who you're dating. The second version is entirely focused on your relationship with the guy you're dating and emphasizes what you want for both of you as a couple. A guy can't dispute your version of what you want for yourself, but he can definitely dispute your version of what you want for the two of you as a couple! For now though, what's done is what's done. Lay off the future talk for awhile, and don't read too much into what he might have meant by his reaction. Actions speak louder than words, and it looks from his actions like the guy's interested in getting to know you better. He's just taking it one step at a time ... let him have the room he needs to do that! Best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Then I've been in situations where I asked where this was going and he said he didn't want a girlfriend, and I continued being how we were and again, it never worked out in my favor. So now I just say be honest with what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, and asking for it ~~~~~~~~~ You can't assume exclusitivity until you actually hear it from him, initiated by him and until you do hear that , you are free to date around. If you like what you hear then you can mutually decide to be exclusive Link to post Share on other sites
RubixCube28 Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and communicate with your partner...Ok maybe I missed the wagon here but you don't even know if he IS your partner yet.. My suggestion slow down stop reading e-books and think about decaf LoL.. Other then that best of luck to you.. Link to post Share on other sites
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