Am I in the wrong?

[SelenaMatt]

My bf and I live 3 hours apart. I am making plans to move down there since he cant because of his kids and mortgage. I had no problems moving since I really have nothing here to keep me so I started to paint my house so I could rent it out. He came up here and helped me once to paint and fix a few things here and there that I couldnt get done. He wasnt done however and everytime we made plans for him to come back something always came up. Granted we did break up and get back together thru one of the times he was supposed to come up here.

We do have our fair share of problems, most of which are because of the distance issue. Anyway last night we get into this argument because I said that I am tired of putting this off and if I am going to move down there this needs to happen soon. I guess I was being pretty pushy, he said he could come Monday. I said why monday why not tomorrow, since he didnt really have anything to do. He said because he didnt want to have to come down here work for a few hours then leave to go back home the same day and that if he stayed he would have to leave at like 6 in the morning to get to the place where he was working at on Thursday on time(hes helping his friend paint).

So I made this huge deal about it which maybe I was wrong but what was stopping him from coming today? We have put this off and put it off, why couldnt he have came down here when I wanted him too. Finally, he said he would come down here on Thursday after he gets done painting his friends moms house.

My question is should I think theres something to him making such a huge deal about not coming down here today? Should I take it as maybe he really doesnt want me to move down there that bad? Or that maybe he was wanting to make sure it looked like he was the one making all the decisions since I made such a deal over it?

I am desperate for advice because I really dont want to overreact over nothing but I have been done so wrong in the past I guess I do take too many things to heart.

[Becoming]

Sounds to me like he had a legit reason for not coming. He's a person with his own wants, needs, issues, not someone at your beckon call, honey. He gets tired and needs rest, too. You have to honor that . . .

 

Just as he needs to honor your needs. It sounds like you may be feeling insecure and just wanted some reassurance that you're doing the right thing in moving your whole life to be with someone who may take other people's needs so seriously that he ignores yours? I dunno. But search within.

 

What have these arguments been about? It's probably not just physical distance. For you, it may be emotional distance, and that won't necessarily go away once you move.

 

You could put an extended deadline out there of when you need certain things done, and if he doesn't meet it, don't move. This is what you may be most afraid of. Force the issue now, though, before you get too involved. If you don't move down there, he'll be forced to confront whatever may be going on with him that seems to have you in a tizzy.

[SelenaMatt]

Thanks for your reply. You are correct I am very insecure because at times I do feel like I am the one doing everything to make this move happen. He does put effort into it but sometimes its like he only does it at his convenience. I do believe your advice about him not being at my beckon call, I guess I just took things that far because I am so scared to give up everything for someone who says he wants me there but isnt taking too much action to get things done.

I am looking for a job down there, and well since I work full time on first it is kind of hard to drive down there and look for jobs.

Granted he has come up here once and stayed at my house while I was at work to paint and fix some things I couldnt fix on my own but this has been about a month ago that he did this.

We do argue alot most of which are about issues that are involved with us not living together. However I am an insecure person and I guess I do start many of the arguments because I question him on what he is really doing. I know I should trust him and that me not knowing and being able to be near him is just part of a long distance relationship.

I think I will follow your advice on giving him a certain date that way I can say I put forth what I had to and he didnt.

Thanks for your insight.

[Becoming]

Selena--You said in your original post that you didn't want to overreact based on some things that had been done to you in the past. What's that about? Your fear has to be exposed so that it can't ruin future good.

 

This is an incredibly stressful time for you. You're wise to seek some perspective from LS.

[SelenaMatt]

Well I was married for three years and my ex husband cheated on me repeatedly let alone always put others before me. I know I shouldnt let the past affect my future relationships but when little things about him are the same as my exH it does make me have this horrible feeling that he is just the same, even though he really might not be.

I really dont want to be this insecure I guess that is why I came here for some insight because I want to see if maybe this is all in my head. And this seems like an excellent place for good insight especially from people who may have went thru the same thing and wont judge.

[Becoming]

Yeah, you've come to a good place.

 

Your reaction is completely understandable. Does he know this and understand?

 

You know you probably need to apologize and tell him why you were being so controlling--you're afraid of . . . . you know.

[SelenaMatt]

Well I did take your advice and apologized to him. Actually we had a long talk with no arguing where I told him how I felt that it wasnt important that I move down there or at least he didnt treat it that way and that is why I got so upset.

He said he understood and that he wasnt trying to make me feel that way he just has to help his friend because hes getting paid and since he got laid off recently hes doing anything he can to make money. So I guess things are solved in that way.

I basically told him that he didnt have to sit here and thank God on his knees everyday that I am moving down there. He could try to at least treat me moving down there as a priority because if its not a priority then it isnt fair to me to move everything I have for someone who doesnt see that as a priority.

So we will see how this goes.

[Becoming]

Yeah! Good for you!

 

So welcome to LS.