Becoming Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Seems like you're pretty clear here, doesn't it? : "Because I love you so much, I will respect your wishes either way and if you do not want to see me for dinner at all or respond to me in any way, I will try to get the divorce over as quickly and painlessly as possible, in a loving way."....... It really may be too late. You can wait a week and see, but when you do get to talk to her, get some clarification for your sake. This is driving you understandably nuts. In the meantime, be good to yourself. You may want to join a church group for some good fellowship and reflection time to heal and to help temptation-proof your changes during this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 My new counselor insists that in his 30 years as MC he is certain that her not responding to the Package flowers that I sent is good.He says that she may take a while to react to it.He also says that when a woman is OVER "it" they will usaully let you know.That she would say or write..."stop calling ,stop sending things,stop bothering me or It's over, move on!!!" or something like that.....He says that a woman that is 'DONE' wouldv'e signed the divorce papers ASAP and would not care to bicker over very little items in the divorce and would not have seized the opporunity upon seeing me for the first time in 2 months to ask me to take her to or house to see the cats and would not have called (3 times in a row til I answered)after leaving that day to ask me to lunch.Or that she would have gotten her things and clothes from our house,If she was DONE.....He has exposed my MAJOR shortcommings and will work on them,but I wonder if he is just getting my hopes up concerning his insight on the above issue.Do you think he is right??? Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Yes, I did think he was right or I wouldn't have encouraged you to bare your soul and expose you to even more hurt. But honestly, I'm stumped by her behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 please explain what stumps you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Sweetie, "undecided" only means....undecided. I don't disagree with your MC, but this thing could still go the other way. I find it interesting that two of our long-time posters, Massive Atom and Devildog, have both reported that their ex-wives are now making overtures....(some of those overtures being fairly blatent btw!)...but both those guys have moved on. They've healed from the hurt, and NOW suddenly they're attractive and interesting again. I wonder if we can extrapolate some kind of lesson from that. I'm all for honesty and sharing your feelings. I don't believe in playing games. But still....there's something to be said for making yourself less available as witnessed by recent evidence. Like Becoming, I'm a bit perplexed at the mixed signals. But then again, that might only mean that your wife is still on the fence. I think the BIG QUESTION is "what is it specifically that makes an ex-husband sooooo much more interesting and attractive AFTER he's moved on with his life?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 I think the BIG QUESTION is "what is it specifically that makes an ex-husband sooooo much more interesting and attractive AFTER he's moved on with his life?" Very good info Ladyjane...I should probably go NC through this divorce proceedings and just plain out let go and not try to reason with her.I feel like the MC is wrong though.I think that her not calling me is a clear sign of departure completely.She is done if you ask me.I have been a completely different man since we parted and she refuses to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I have been a completely different man since we parted and she refuses to see it. That would appear to be 'the norm' lately. It's unfortunate, but too many of these ladies don't see it until after it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 I wish someone could explain why it is that they do that...I mean it just plain out sucks...It doesn't make sense.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 It's officially the one week mark....No response at all from the flowers and letter asking for dinner.I really honestly believed I would hear from her. I guess I can only hope now that she might contact me after the dust settles.I hear from some of you that an EX husband sometimes look attracive again...I'll be praying for it.I finally went to the doctor and found out that I have Impetigo on my arms and face.I thought it was just a breakout of a rash or something but I couldn't get them to go away.It was getting out of hand.The doc said that when a person is under stress that the immune system is very weak and cannot fight very well.So I'm double dosed on antibiotics and cleanser crap and cream..( cream that was $49.73 !!!!can ya believe that?). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 Well I spoke to her sister last night and she talked to my wife for three hours the previous night.This is the first solid information I have received so far.My wife is very happy being on her own.She has always lived for someone else and loves being on her own.She told her sister that she was only crying that day when she was here was only for the cats and hoped I didn't think it was because she missed me.She said she hasn't gotten her things from our house because she has no room for them where she is.She is looking forward to being divorced.My heart has been ripped from my soul again and I want to say to all those going through a divorce,DO NOT HOPE....It will only bite you in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Then tell her to find a place to put her things and move them out. In situations like this I try to look at it at a different than angle then most. The more you chase her the more she runs, so why not run in the opposite direction? Time to start making yourself happy, do thing for yourself. Don't live your life for her or base your own self-worth on whether she wants to be with you or not. There are women that'll want to be with you & ones that don't. That pertains to every single guy in this world. Her 'seeing' the cats was also her way of seeing how you would react to her being there. She's playing head games and the only way to win is to not play them. Let her live her life & you live hers. Sounds like she needs to see a counselor as well. Keep going to yours. If she asks you to 'lunch' again I would be upfront and ask her what are her true intentions. By worrying about your 'next move' you are playing her game. Don't play it. She knows what she's doing and she knows what she wants. She's not a child. You can't maniuplate her into feeling one way or another depending on what you say or do next to her. Set short term goals for yourself and start accomplishing them. You'll feel alot better about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Then tell her to find a place to put her things and move them out. In situations like this I try to look at it at a different than angle then most. The more you chase her the more she runs, so why not run in the opposite direction? Time to start making yourself happy, do thing for yourself. Don't live your life for her or base your own self-worth on whether she wants to be with you or not. There are women that'll want to be with you & ones that don't. That pertains to every single guy in this world. Her 'seeing' the cats was also her way of seeing how you would react to her being there. She's playing head games and the only way to win is to not play them. Let her live her life & you live hers. Sounds like she needs to see a counselor as well. Keep going to yours. If she asks you to 'lunch' again I would be upfront and ask her what are her true intentions. By worrying about your 'next move' you are playing her game. Don't play it. She knows what she's doing and she knows what she wants. She's not a child. You can't maniuplate her into feeling one way or another depending on what you say or do next to her. Set short term goals for yourself and start accomplishing them. You'll feel alot better about yourself. Thanks for update. Sorry to hear you went all out for nothing. You did absolutely everything you could, so you'll always know that, at least. I completely agree with jmargel now. It's time to move on. Her lack of storage is not your problem. You need to get all reminders of her out of your space and head and pick yourself up and go on after grieving this huge loss. And you've learned a lot about yourself and relationships and will keep learning in therapy. The pain will ease with time, but in the meantime, you need to be good to yourself. Get meds if you need them, take some time off, be with people who make you happy in a good way. A grief or divorce group would be a help. The less you see of her, the better. It just picks open the wound again. May God's consolation keep you. Psalm 34:18 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 I cried reading both of your posts Jmargel and Becomming and you are both so right.Time to move on....Hearing that she was only crying about the cats that day was a real blow to the heart.I guess it was a game.I never thought of it in that way.I will be seeing my counselor again on Wednesday.I do have a question though.My MC wants her telephone number to tell her that I have been in his program for a few weeks now and would like to talk with her.He says he's been doing it this way for 30 years.He says that he always gets a good response from the other person when they learn of the effort that their spouse is making.I think it is a bad idea...I do not feel comfortable allowing him to contact her...I think it would only make things worse,don't you???? Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 What do YOU want? That's gonna be your growing edge now, as I see it. It seems like you've been letting others run your life and determine your actions for a long time--drinking buddies, wife, LS, MC. At the end of the day, it comes down to what YOU finally choose to do. Sorry, but you're gonna have to go soul searching now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 My wife has not responded to her attorney and my attorney has granted them 10 more days to respond (the 30 days are already up).A Motion to Compel will be filed if no response after ten days.( I don't know what a Motion to Compel is)But anyway ,I don't know what to think.She was the one that was preceeding against my wishes and now nothing.wtf Link to post Share on other sites
mablung Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Xill8rng, I really don't want to rain on your parade, but I'll tell you what I've been seeing in my limited experience. Expect a lot of oscillations around, and after, this divorce thingie. Also, please, please, try not to get overwhelmed by them - they are likely temporary, and followed by yet even more oscillations. Don't get your hopes up, but don't be utterly convinced that the divorce is final and definitive and you're never gonna be together again. My point in all this is that it's too early to tell anything. You may well get on with the divorce, finalize it and get back together after some time. Or not. You just can't tell right now; and expect a lot of confusion and indecision (on both parts, actually), because it's obviously a very painful and stressful experience, and it's difficult to see things clearly when one is so emotionally involved. I realize it really sucks to hang in such limbo, where pretty much is still undecided, but I'm afraid you may not have a choice - for now. Give it some time, and try to be a little patient. I know it's hard, but it _will_ get easier eventually. take it easy, mablung Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 Thank you Mablung for responding.Once in a while it gets lonely in LS and no one answers.The word " oscillations " is a real targeted word for this situation,thank you..She has no idea I've been seeking help for myself.Help to change the way I handle things and such.The Marraige counselor/behavior modification guy that I have been seeing for 3 weeks (5 sessions) is going to call her and ask to speak with her.I think he is waisting his time but he says that if he ASKS her to please fill him in on what has happened,that she will tell him.He says , as a new person to the issue, if you give a woman a new ear to hear her side,SHE WILL TAKE IT!!....He will be calling her today at 3:00 .......and I will be PRAYING with every fiber of my soul and BEGGING the God of all things to please let her meet this MC.If she doesnt respond to this ,I know I'll be crushed again and back to hurtville. Link to post Share on other sites
mablung Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Xillr8ng, I think I have some idea of what you're going through. I'm struggling a lot to change stuff about me that's been ingrained in me for over 20 years... and it's certainly slow, arduous, and sometimes it's hard to tell whether you're making any progress at all. I went to a therapist or whatever as well. Honestly, it was a waste of time - not for my lack of trying, just that the therapist was utter crap. I stopped going after more than a dozen sessions. In my case, this is where things are: I've been trying to improve (with varying degrees of success) and work on my issues for the last 6 months. It's still nowhere near done, or accomplished, of course. Sometimes she agrees that certain things about me have improved, but it's not enough. There's more: in my case at least, it is, in a way, too late for her to accept that things have _finally_ changed. I don't know how she feels in your case, but you should be aware of the possibility that even if you _do_ change for the better, it may be too late - not for you, but for her. I'm sorry if I'm not exactly encouraging you. There's not much happy stuff in these situations, I'm afraid... Try to be patient, again. I know it's hard, but there's no quick way out of this. And the purpose is for you to come out scarred as little as possible, and, hopefully, a better person - or at least with the will to become one. And if that happens, then there is a much better chance for her to want to get back with you, even though if not in the near or immediate future. In the meantime, good luck for today, and take it easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Prayers have gone up on your behalf 3:00 EST. Prayers that what's good for both of you will prevail. Her failure to respond is most interesting. And I assume the order to compel is to make her respond. Whew! Others who've gone through a divorce may be of more help on the legal proceedings. It doesn't seem like she wants to be either divorced or married. But what does she want? I doubt she knows. Just try to stay clear on what you want and what conditions are and are not acceptable to you and try not to let the oscillator wipe you out in all this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 Thnx becoming and Mablung......Whew!!!! Here's the update.....MY Sycologist left a message on her cell and she called back within 5 mins.I left the room but when I came back the MC was all smiles...He told her that he has seen me several times and explained to her the issues that he and I were addressing.She was shocked that I confessed so much to him openly.He told her that I was devestated after she left and I was getting help..opening myself up to him for much needed help.She said that I was not entirely to blame for the seperation and that she had issues as well...She asked if he was a marraige counselor also.He said he would love to meet with her and discuss her side of things and to just talk....She AGREED!!!!! She said that she didn't have her schedule, but would call him Monday or so to make an appointment...I'm still picking my jaw off the floor...I was SURE she would say or act very much the opposite.... God does hear prayers Link to post Share on other sites
mablung Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 of course He does I'm very glad for you, Xillr8ng. Now take it easy, have a lot of patience, and brace yourself because further oscillations are not completely out of the question, although I hope you won't have to go through any more of those. I wish you both the best of luck, courage and open-mindedness in these forthcoming counselling sessions ! take care Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 God I'm so scared....I didn't want to get my hopes up ....but here I am again...Getting worked up BIGTIME...Why do we do it to ourselves???I know I'm going to come crashing down yet once again..I'll be back to the pain as in the begining....Is there any way to stop this expectation of hope...?I am a fairly very level headed man and I can't grasp the control."the heart is treacherous".... I don't want to cry anymore.I was so happy after yesterday's events (which I am still SHOCKED about)and woke this morning with yet another dream that we were together and cried.I have spent today wondering how I'll feel come Tuesday and if there is no response again....Wednesday will be the deadline for her to respond to my attorney and I guess I continue proceedings without her....Why is hope such an unforgiving letdown?????? Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 I, too, am seen by others as imminently rational and level-headed, but that's because my emotions scare me. It feels like they ambush me and take over my life until I can't function sometimes, and it's freaking frightening! I hate losing control, and I've been in an awful depression that has been controlling way too much of my life. Therapy is teaching me that I've spent my whole life stuffing my emotions, primarily because my parents didn't want me expressing any except quiet cheerfulness. No one named emotions for me, so of course they overwhelmed me. Yet I wasn't allowed to have them so I just shut all that emotional stuff down in the basement of my life and kept going. Until one day something happens and the emotions left down in the basement have grown and multiplied until they break the door in and like gremlins just take over the place, making a total mess of things. I keep trying to stuff them back in, but now they won't go quietly anymore. Sound familiar? I think it's what society especially does to its little boys. The problem is that we become less than whole persons and our lack of ability to expresss our emotions towards our significant others leads to what we most fear--abandonment by that SO. Then all these gremlin emotions come rushing out, and here we are. I can tell you that with time and attention these gremlin emotions turn into cute little fuzzy creatures you can live with, but you have to let them be with lots of attention. So set aside screaming/crying time each day, maybe while running on a treadmill if you have one so you can physically work these strong emotions out of your system. It helps me to keep journalling and posting on LS. We are quite a crazy crew, aren't we? I am amazed by your counselor. Good for him! Good for you for figuring out you can trust him! I'll continue to hold both you and your W in prayer. As you've said, who knows? For what it's worth, I think you're doing amazingly well in one of the worst crises a person can face. Give yourself some grace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xillr8ng Posted February 26, 2006 Author Share Posted February 26, 2006 Sounds very familiar...You have a talent for the right words at the right time,thank you...I am understanding thru this therapy counselor that my judgement has been very clouded due to the traits and habbits that I have learned over many many years...Call it abuse or that I just grew up way too soon and skipped having a childhood or whatever.It's very difficult to change our thinking pattern and very easy to resort to the old ways of computing ...With that said, I have a long road ahead of me.A long road ahead of me ,alone,a place where I am not comfortable with by any means...I have never been alone before.I have always lived with room mates or girlfriends and or lived with my wife for 17 years.I never ever thought I would be alone..It never crossed my mind,EVER.....I am praying so hard that she keeps her word and sees the counselor this week like she agreed.I am praying it's not just empty words from her...I am praying I get through this week and don't have the unpleasantness of NC from her.It's getting down to the wire...The window of opportunity is closing on saving this marraige.I don't want the title of an EXHUSBAND...It hurts me just typing it...thank you all for your input and please know that you are all in my heart and in my prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
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