Girlfriend has been raped, among other things...

[Guest]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now, and things between us are great. About as perfect as you could ask for, I suppose. The thing is, though, that she has low self esteem, and self worth. She always wants to appear that she's 'perfect'. But, she still feels that she's unnatractive. She always says she wishes she were smarter, and more interesting. Basically, she just doesn't like herself very often. She tells me though, that I'm starting to change all that for her, and that she's never felt love the way that I give it to her. And, it's very true, I can see that she's changed a lot since we first started dating. She's stopped talking to a guy that was her ex, that she still considered a friend. During their relationship, he mentally abused her quite often, and actually hit her a few times. Thankfully, she's been comfortable and able to get him out of her life for the past...say, 2 months.

 

Now, things have been going up hill all along, until a few nights ago, when she revealed a lot of information. She has this other friend, who is her neighbor. They were a couple about 4 years ago, and during that time, they had a bad relationship as well. He had forced himself on to her, more than once. They eventually broke up, but like the other guy she was with, they too remained friends. Now, the thing is, is last year, they would hang out and stuff. They were friends. But, he once again raped her, more than once. She said it wasn't a violent rape, but she did say no a few times. She said after a while she just let it happen, and would 'grin and bare' it, hoping she was in another place.

 

So, now, we are togather. Here's the thing...she's STILL friends with this guy. She tells me that she feels like she has to be. She once even mentioned that maybe that was the only way he could show he loved her. I do know this guy is basically obsessed with her. She says that she feels sorry for him, empathetic towards him. Also, she doesn't want to be mean to him. After she told me this, I told her that I'm here for her, and will help her any way I can.

 

The hardest part for me right now, is I told her that she has to stop all communication with this guy. She said she will, but I know that she doesn't really want to. I don't want her taking my advice simply because I want her to do something. I think it's most important that she does it for herself and sees it's signifigance, and believes it really is the right thing to do. She always takes all the bad things that happened in her past, and puts it on herself, and finds ways to partially blame herself for it all.

 

Among other things, she's said before that she feels dirty and that there's moments where she wants to be out of her skin and be 'pure' again. She says she doesn't feel like she's good enough for me, and not 'worthy'.

 

So, I'm really in need of advice as to what to do. How am I to deal with the ex boyfriend, rapist neighbor. Should I put my foot down and demand that she not see him anymore. I know that he still wants her, and that he's tried to make a move on her since we've been togather. Help me out here, please.

 

Thanks.