Why do we do this in relationships...

[boshemia]

So something is bothering me. Maybe he's being totally selfish again, maybe he's being childish and not speaking to me, maybe he's treating me like a child again telling me what I can and can't do... The problem really doesn't matter.

 

I feel myself sliding into woman mode... Save the marriage, fix the relationship... panic, panic, panic... I hear those dreaded words come from my mouth. "Honey, we need to talk"

 

Actually I never really say them, I refuse to but I still feel them. So I try to explain the problem to him, and I try to explain the solution... Why do we as women feel like talking will ever do any good? Does it ever fix the problem?

 

My husband always ends up getting angry, he accuses me of throwing things in his face, blaming him for my entire life, or my favorite "Yep, you're right I'm a real a**"

 

Maybe it's just my husband, but I expect not, my ex husband reacted in the same way to our talks. So either I got the only two in the world, or, there are many other wives out there sitting next to their husband with their mouth open but wondering if there are any sounds coming out of your mouth or if he is only deaf with you. Maybe we just suddenly started speaking in tongues, who knows... all we know is he is yelling at us accusing us of saying something we know for a fact we didn't say.

 

Sometimes he even admits that no, you didn't actually say it... but it was implied, or it was what you really meant. I'm usually sitting there wondering how "Honey, could you please be a little more considerate of my feelings" somehow became "You are a worthless jerk, I hate you and I wish you had never come into my life. I am really just planning on divorcing you and taking everything we have." It seems that everything I say boils down to blaming him for everything. Pointing out that my laptop was much less expensive than his dirtbike by about a tenth. And he also happens to have a remote control truck that cost almost as much doesn't matter. Nor does it matter that I use my laptop daily and he only plays with his toys a few times a year. That is just throwing it in his face. I'm pretty sure, no I'm positive that I wasn't trying to throw anything in his face. I'm just trying to tell him that if he gets things when he wants them why can't I?

 

So I talk and talk until I am blue in the face, and after an hour I'm crying. I'm trying to find a way to tell him that I can accept that life isn't fair, I just can't accept that life can't be somewhat fair in my own home. Instead I accidentally tell him that he treats me worse than any husband has ever treated any wife since the beginning of time... Not exactly what I mean but we'll roll with it.

 

So why do we do it? Why do we talk to them for hours trying to get them to see our way knowing full well that we are never going to get through?

 

We love them, I'm sure that is part of it. I know I love my husband dearly... His is so much a part of me that I do things for him without even thinking about it. I will get up and go to the store to get us cold medicine when we are both sick because I don't want him to have to suffer. I'd gladly suffer for him, when he is in pain I just want to take it away. I will give up something I have wanted my whole life for something that he decided he wanted five minutes ago. I love him and I just want him to be happy...

 

No, correction... I want him to be happy, but I kind of want to be happy too, just now and then. But talking to him about it isn't working...

 

 

 

Sorry that turned into an article. I was kind of having fun writing it... My question after why do we do it was If talking doesn't work, what does??? Does anybody know???

[uleryrns]

I don't know, and I totally get what you're saying.

 

Even in counseling. We are able to talk openly about feelings and needs and things that are causing issues in our marriage. I tell him about how I feel about his behaviors and mood swings and how we don't share the same interests and don't enjoy doing the same things anymore.

 

And what do I get? He sits there and agrees and says that he sees these things too and now realizes how he needs to make changes, and he says all these beautiful wonderful things that I want to hear.

 

Then the minute we step out of our counselors office, things go right back to the way they were and no changes are ever made.

 

I wonder why we bother talking about issues, when there is no accountability to make changes to make things better. I try on my end, not to do the things he has issues with. But most of our issues lie with him.

 

I'm sorry, I don't know the answer either. I just know you're not alone and your husband(s) aren't the only ones.

[Lonestar]

Everything you wrote is a very true reality in many marriages. I don't understand it myself. In order to see a change in him, you're gong to have to change yourself. You're a giver and he's taking taking taking. Stop giving, stop doing, in fact stop trying. Instead of trying to get him to see your point, walk away from him and don't talk at all. Leave the house, go on a vacation with a friend. Pull away from him emotionally and concentrate on what makes you happy for a little while. If he suddenly freaks out that his little woman is changing, let him know that you are now the first on your list of important people and will be taking care of your own needs now.

 

It is so hard to stop taking care of the ones you love, but if he is refusing to listen to you, his wife, then he doesn't deserve all the things you do for him. It seems that a lot of men don't respond to words. Their wife opens her mouth and all they hear is bitch bitch bitch. That shows little respect for you and it's time for you to demand respect or it will never change. Men respond to action. I guarantee if you shut down to him and start tending to your own life and needs, your husband will become very frightened.

[boshemia]

lol, I just resubmitted the question in shorter form since it had gone so long without a response. I've been doing that more and more, and he hates it. Now he says I'm a selfish you know and I'm doing nothing but take...

 

He's really angry... but I still feel the need to take care of him. I love him so much... I just need for him to show me his love...

[Moose]

Here goes the, "What's in it for me" syndrome AGAIN!!!

 

Trust me, I've lived through it, and it can be solved.

 

You need to realize that you are no longer your own person. And neither is he. All through your post it was, "me, me, me.....", "him, him, him.....".....what about me????

 

QUIT IT! It's youuuuu.....only youuuuuuu both of youuuuuu are ONE now!!!!

 

This bit about the laptop and his toys......so what?????

 

Work out a budget, what's left over after the bills are paid is split between you two, to do what you want with it....end of story......

 

Practice, "Knee to knee, you to me"......where you sit knee to knee with your spouse and confront these issues over your feelings. You have to be disciplined and allow each other to speak, without interruptions.....

 

It's going to take some maturity on both ends......don't shut him down like you've been adviced, all you're going to gain is one pissed off husband who was manipulated by his wife.........

[boshemia]

I forgot to mention that he has a drinking problem, well... he is an alcoholic. I try not to think about it, and I don't talk about it with him... but a big part of the emotional instability has to do with the difference between a six pack and a case...

[boshemia]

Yeah, that's kind of how I think it should work in theory. Which is why I didn't argue when he said he wanted to split up the checking accounts. He gets to keep his $4000 a month, and I get to keep my $900.

 

The problem is... I get to pay the bills, and he gets to keep whats left. I can't get the idea of team work through to him. He has his brush, his ashtray, his sodas and his house. I get in trouble for inviting people over to his house. I get in trouble for using his brush, moving his towel, using his lighter!

 

After four years we really should be an US... but it's not happening... how do I encourage team work????

[Moose]

I forgot to mention that he has a drinking problem, well... he is an alcoholic. I try not to think about it, and I don't talk about it with him... but a big part of the emotional instability has to do with the difference between a six pack and a case...

Well.....that does change things....ALOT! See, he's not going to go for the budget thing now. He's definitely not going to do the knee to knee thing either.

 

Best thing for you to do is ALANON.

 

And wait for him to hit rock bottom......may take a while, but believe me....it'll happen!

[boshemia]

We don't have alanon locally... but I've looked into it quite a bit. Bet I could find a forum online...

 

I have made it a point to stop taking care of him, I won't go buy him beer when he is too drunk to drive. I just let him drive and pray... small town so chances of an accident are slim... I let him stay where ever he passes out, unless he is in danger (outside in winter) I get him in where it's warm, cover him up and leave him on the floor... etc.

 

I don't talk to him about it though... should I?

[blind_otter]

So why do we do it? Why do we talk to them for hours trying to get them to see our way knowing full well that we are never going to get through?

 

Words are cheap, they always have been. I can say whatever I want to say, that doesn't mean it's some deeply held conviction or belief. Just words. But for some reason how you say things can be the difference between a huge argument and a lightbulb turning on.

 

This is why therapists, for the most part, don't tell their clients what to think, feel, or believe, or even how to change. A good practitioner has mastered the art of asking leading questions and allowing the client to discover their own truth.

 

In "relationship conversations" usually there is one individual who has a laundry list of complaints, kind of lecturing their partner on what they want, need, whatever, but some abstract promise for change never bodes well. Telling someone what you want is fine, but it's not likely that they know how to give it to you, and change is never immediate.

 

As a recovering alcoholic I'll tell you that IMO you describe the classic problems of an alcoholic, which are engraved on a huge plaque hung in the front of my AA meeting room. The moral deficiencies of the avoidant alcoholic. Unfortunately, this is probably not so much about you, but long held unhealthy coping skills learned many years ago.

 

Change can happen. I firmly believe that. But ultimately the most successful change comes from the individual, not from an external source.

[blind_otter]

I think you should tell him that you are unhappy with his drinking. Don't stay silent about that. But don't expect a good response to it. Alcoholics can get really defensive.

[Moose]

Talking to him isn't going to do any good. The only thing that'll accomplish is a fight, and the desire to drink even more.

 

Leave him out in the cold next time he passes out in it. And hopefully, (and I know this sounds bad), he'll get busted for DUI. And Lord, please don't let him hurt anyone else in the process......

 

I'm telling you.....it took 4 DUIs, losing my license for 10 years, blowing into a gadget for 6 months to start my car to wake me up.

 

Mrs. Moose never left, and she never gave up. She hounded me forever though, and that made me drink more.

 

When she let it go, and I fell flat on my face, that's what woke me up.....and that's what it's going to take for you husband too.

 

Do you have kids? Another thing that made me stop, is the fact I lost all respect from my kids......it was the saddest day of my life......

[blind_otter]

I didn't do what I had to do to get sober until I had no one left. No family, no friends.

[Moose]

I didn't do what I had to do to get sober until I had no one left. No family, no friends.

Sorry to hear that Blind Otter.

 

I don't deserve the family I have. I wish I could hand them over to you, and suffer like I should.

 

My only desire now is to forget about it, and treat my family like I should've a long time ago........I'm sure you know where I'm coming from.....

[boshemia]

Actually when it has come up he usually just says "Yeah, I know I drink too much" He freely admits to being an alcoholic, he's even asked me to help him quit...

 

I just don't know how... he was actually sober when we met, over a year. He had 2 DUI's and a 1 night stand that cost him $500 a month in child support. He passed out on the bathroom floor and nearly choked on his own vomit, his brother had to kick in the door.

 

He knew he was heading right in the direction of his father... so he quit. He started again during court ordered alcohol classes... great huh? He said all that talking about drinking made him want it again.

 

We've talked about AA, and he refuses, small town again... too many people will know.

 

I know he's getting worse though I haven't told him. I get in his truck and find a beer sitting in the holder. Which means he can no longer make the 45 minute drive home from work without it... He doesn't drink at work because his brother is his boss, and he never drinks in front of his brother.

 

I never thought about his drinking being involved in our problems... he really is a good man, and I couldn't understand why he could get so ugly for little or no reason.

 

It's hard for me to relate because even though I had a major drug and alcohol problem I walked away... Though he can quit smoking without even trying and I seem to have traded my prior addictions for ciggarettes and caffiene, I can't seem to give up either and the more I try the more I want it...

[blind_otter]

Sorry to hear that Blind Otter.

 

I don't deserve the family I have. I wish I could hand them over to you, and suffer like I should.

 

My only desire now is to forget about it, and treat my family like I should've a long time ago........I'm sure you know where I'm coming from.....

 

Hoo boy, do I ever. My last meeting I talked about the greatest sin I committed while f***ed up - not hurting myself, or breaking the law. I think for me, it was knowingly hurting those that loved me no matter what I did. And I know all the work I have in front of me, now I have to earn it back -- everything...it will take a long time, but I am prepared to do the work.

[Moose]

Hoo boy, do I ever. My last meeting I talked about the greatest sin I committed while f***ed up - not hurting myself, or breaking the law. I think for me, it was knowingly hurting those that loved me no matter what I did. And I know all the work I have in front of me, now I have to earn it back -- everything...it will take a long time, but I am prepared to do the work.

That's the attitude to have!!

 

Now to the OP. Can you see that it took both Otter and I a lot of loss, grief, pain and sadness before we woke up?

 

The same needs to happen to your husband. As painful as it may be, you'll have to stand back and watch him fall. It'll hurt you, like you've never felt before, but it HAS TO HAPPEN.

 

I'm sorry......

[boshemia]

I'm friends with most of the cops around here... if I really wanted him to get another DUI it could be arranged quickly. He's still never forgiven me for "having him arrested" a little over a year ago...

 

He locked me out of the house calling me names, I disconnected the cable to get him to open the door. He was so angry I locked him out and when he screamed at me and kicked in the door I called the police to help me calm him down... They arrested him for domestic violence, and of course it was my fault... I told them not to arrest him, but I didn't have a choice and I can't make him understand that...

 

So I think what you are saying is I will probably never be able to make him understand that, I'm not talking to him or the love he has for me... I'm talking to the alcohol... so no matter how many "I feel" statements or psychology based approaches I use... he's just not there...

[boshemia]

No wonder I feel like I've been having a one sided conversation... he's far from falling, but I have a lot of people who love me.

 

So... I think I need to find an online Alanon group... anyone know of one. I'm looking right now.

[Curmudgeon]

are the words from his wife or girlfriend, "We have to talk!" In my past marriage it would always be a confrontation, not a conversation, and usually totally one-sided. She'd talk, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, and I was expected to sit there, listen attentively and permit myself to be branded the "a**h*** of all creation" and just mumbl;e words of agreement.

 

If the truth be known, after a few years of it I'd simply tune her out and periodically mumble, "yeah, uh hum, hmmmm, I see," at appropriate intervals, take my licks and live to be lectured to/at another day.

 

Apporoach is everything. Listen to the difference in these: "Why didn't you cqall the doctor's office like I told you to?" vs. "What did the doctor say when you called him this afternoon?"

 

I think you get the point. That's a big part of why there's and ex and why I have a wife.