I broke a heart, so how do I mend it

[Cyn]

As I pour my heart out to everyone, please try to be compassionate for I have done a terrible thing and I need advice on how to fix it, if that is even possible.

 

I have been married for almost 11 years. I had an affair with a man who I thought I was really in love with. I felt like I was in a rut and I was getting no attention at home and I felt very unloved by my husband. I befriended this other man and one thing led to another. My husband found out and filed for Divorce. At that time, I was ok with that. I was willing to let my marriage go because as I said I thought I was in love with the other man. Later, I realized that it wasn't love. It was a true and deep friendship and my craving for attention caused my actions and clouded my sense of judgment. I have also realized that my husband truly is my soulmate and I still love him very much and I want nothing more than to be back with him and make amends for what I have done. My husband says he still loves me but he still has to go through with the Divorce. I have tried everything I can think of to change his mind but have had no success. I think it is a pride thing. I think he feels that reconcileing but be a sign of weakness but I look at it differently. I see it as a sign of strength. Is there anything at all I can do to win him back?

 

Please help me.

[Duncan]

Your husband feels very hurt, and betrayed right now... It will take time for him to heal and get over the pain he is feeling right now.

 

If he still loves you he will realize this and come back to you with forgiveness.

 

Just be there for him and be patient... You can't force him, he has to decide now if he can forgive...after the anger subsides his true feelings will show...

 

Take care

 

D

[Ryan]

I think it is positive that you realize the motivations that made you seek another man and how false those initial impulses turned out to be. That's progress on your behalf.

 

However, such problems are never one-sided. Apparently you were not having your needs fulfilled in this marriage. I don't know if you had communication enough to relate this to him. If you ever want to have any chance of making this work, there's going to have to be some significant opening up and admission of mistakes WITHOUT turning into blame and shame. You might want to start with creating a little vulnerability on your part....discuss with him what you did, why you did it...and why you apologize for doing it. Something like "I didn't feel like I was having my needs met in our marriage and I didn't know how else to express it." I don't believe you can directly do anything to change his stance other than making yourself available and willing.

 

It's going to take some time and some tears to mend burnt bridges here, if that is possible. He may not see this situation as you do and simply not tolerate unfaithfulness. I don't know if you have children, but if you do and this divorce goes through, make it as smooth and non-traumatic for THEM. They are the #1 priority.