Just friends or emotional affair?

[rustysquirrel]

My wife has a friend she spends a lot of time talking to on the phone. She doesn't hide from me that she has him as a friend, but she almost never talks to him around me. Instead, she will call him when I am at work, or when she is out for a drive, or when I am in another part of the house.

 

Sometimes she does but sometimes she doesn't tell me that she has talked to him.

 

She talks to him at least every other day.

 

I know they sometimes have met for drinks, but as far as I know they have never met anywhere not in public.

 

Recently I saw an email exchange of theirs in which she signed off with "I love you" and he responded with a short email saying: "I love you too. xxxoooxxx"

 

He is about 25 years older than she is and she says he is a sort of father figure to her. She has vigorously denied that they are anything more than friends.

 

I really want to believe her, but I wonder/worry. A few weeks ago she said she was going to use the bathroom to brush her teeth, and I later saw on the cell phone bill that she had called him. What particularly bugged me about this was (a) that she deceived me about the conversation, and (b) that this was right after we had had sex.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Touche]

There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind but that this is at the very least an emotional affair. If it weren't she would be talking to him in front of you. Also, the frequency smacks of something more than a casual "father figure" type of friendship.

[Sassy]

Something is going on between them or she wouldn't be hiding him. If someone is hiding something there is a reason behind it. Good luck and get to the bottom of what is going on.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would put up with such crap from you. Can you imagine how she would feel if after sex with her you went and made a secret phone call to your female friend? I think you would have to be in major denial not to believe anything is happening. Your wife is disrespecting you and your relationship.

[big-dumbass]

Your wife is definately having an emotional affair, the age difference is irreleavant (sp, sorry). Impossible to say if it is physical or not.

 

BTW, it is very "ballsy" for her to be calling him from your bathroom, I only text message the OW from the bathroom.

[blind_otter]

There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind but that this is at the very least an emotional affair. If it weren't she would be talking to him in front of you. Also' date=' the frequency smacks of something more than a casual "father figure" type of friendship.[/quote']

 

Word........

 

My rule of thumb is, do you get invited to hang with them....

[Mz. Pixie]

Word........

 

My rule of thumb is, do you get invited to hang with them....

 

Exactly. If not, then something is up.

 

My husband has a couple of friends that are girls from college. He most certainly does NOT e mail with them and exchange I love you's.

[rustysquirrel]

My rule of thumb is, do you get invited to hang with them....

 

In theory, yes. But somehow they always seem to get together when I'm committed elsewhere. But there's a good test opportunity coming up. Some friends of both of them are having a birthday and I'm supposed to be invited. We'll see if she forgets to invite me or schedules it during my work hours. If so, I'm going to get out of work and show up anyway. If she treats that as awkward, I'll know something is up. Does that seem like a reasonable test?

 

I can (mostly) dismiss her "I love you" because she is a very gushy, emotional person. But I worry a bit about his "I love you too".

 

I also worry about the concealment, but I know she had met him for drinks that one night and he paid, so maybe she was just thanking him for that? She had told me she met him, and where they had gone, after all (and I know someone who saw them together exactly where she said they were).

But I know she talked to him earlier today and when I asked her what she had been doing at that time, she failed to mention a 20 minute call to him.

 

People say you should trust your intuitions -- mine tell me its not physical, but I would hate to be wrong, and emotional affairs can turn physical, I know.

[witabix]

In theory, yes. But somehow they always seem to get together when I'm committed elsewhere. But there's a good test opportunity coming up. Some friends of both of them are having a birthday and I'm supposed to be invited. We'll see if she forgets to invite me or schedules it during my work hours. If so, I'm going to get out of work and show up anyway. If she treats that as awkward, I'll know something is up. Does that seem like a reasonable test?

 

I can (mostly) dismiss her "I love you" because she is a very gushy, emotional person. But I worry a bit about his "I love you too".

 

I also worry about the concealment, but I know she had met him for drinks that one night and he paid, so maybe she was just thanking him for that? She had told me she met him, and where they had gone, after all (and I know someone who saw them together exactly where she said they were).

But I know she talked to him earlier today and when I asked her what she had been doing at that time, she failed to mention a 20 minute call to him.

 

People say you should trust your intuitions -- mine tell me its not physical, but I would hate to be wrong, and emotional affairs can turn physical, I know.

 

Yes that seems like a good test to me.

 

You seem to know what to watch for.

 

My advice is this, turn up, invited or not, as you have said.

 

But if not invited don't make a big deal by busting in. Just play it casual, and say, hey I got off work and thought I'd come along.

 

Watch how they react, and watch how the others there react.

 

If you can get this to happen I would think it will be an excellent opportunity to catch them unawares. Maybe even if you are invited you should play it cool, say something like, I may be busy, but you go along anyhow. gauge her reaction to that too.

 

See if they are together when you get there, and whether or not they seperate when you arrive. If they stay together watch how they interact, looks, touches, and body language. How close are they standing/sitting. Which way her knees and feet are pointing, at you or him? How much she plays with her hair whilst talking to him, length of eye contact. Watch for 'mirroring', does she take a drink within 30 seconds of him taking one? Does she lean forward as he leans back, do they adopt similar postions that mirror the other.

 

Watch for the looks on her friends faces, they will probably know more than you, but that is not for certain.

 

What you describe above sounds very strange. You need to find out if your instincts are correct.

 

If they are you need a plan as to what you are going to do if you find out they are correct.

 

Don't do anything in the heat of the moment. Keep calm. Losing it only leads to further confusion.

 

Stay cool, decide on what are the possible outcomes.

 

Are they having an emotional/physical affair?

If so, what is your reaction going to be?

 

Are they on the verge of such?

How will you react to that?

 

Is she actually telling the truth?

How will you feel about that?

 

You can react based on forethought and deliberation, you can decide prior to the event how you are going to feel.

 

It is difficult, but I feel necessary, to do this. So that you are not left all at sea if the storm blows up.

 

Sit down and think it through. The more prepared you are the easier you will find it. Your heart will be shaking, I know, it is a little scary.

 

Prepare yourself, it will be better than being slapped in the face by surprise.

 

I wish you good fortune rustysquirrel.

 

I would be interested to hear what happens.

[witabix]

Word........

 

My rule of thumb is, do you get invited to hang with them....

 

Thats the killer question for me too Blind_Otter. If not what do YOU draw from it BO?

 

I'd like to hear your view.

[incognito]

Emotional affairs start out as "just friends"

[rustysquirrel]

I intercepted a valentine's email from her "friend". In it he says "I love you more than anything. You are such a bright spot in my life and my heart is so full of love for you; just the touch of your voice against my ear sends radiant love beams through my body. I miss you."

 

Now does anyone think there is even the remotest chance that they are "just friends"?

[catgirl1927]

No. Sorry.

[witabix]

I intercepted a valentine's email from her "friend". In it he says "I love you more than anything. You are such a bright spot in my life and my heart is so full of love for you; just the touch of your voice against my ear sends radiant love beams through my body. I miss you."

 

Now does anyone think there is even the remotest chance that they are "just friends"?

 

That sounds pretty unequivocal, from his part. Was there a reply from her?

 

You will, I imagine be feeling rather angry right now.

 

Keep it in, or burn it out some way.

 

You need to stay calm right now. The emotions that may be boiling up are of no use to you at the moment.

 

It is hard, but it is close to the time where you will need all your wits about you.

 

Did she reply?

[cal gal]

I intercepted a valentine's email from her "friend". In it he says "I love you more than anything. You are such a bright spot in my life and my heart is so full of love for you; just the touch of your voice against my ear sends radiant love beams through my body. I miss you."

 

Now does anyone think there is even the remotest chance that they are "just friends"?

 

RS-

It sounds pretty bad for you....

 

I think if I were you I would NOT give her an idea that you know until you have certain things in order ahead of time. When you talk with her about what you know - you need to be prepared for the worst... I am talking DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

 

Be smart enough to protect yourself, then after the dicussion you can decide what is best, but at least you are prepared financially and by setting aside important paperwork.

 

I am so sorry!

[witabix]

RS-

It sounds pretty bad for you....

 

I think if I were you I would NOT give her an idea that you know until you have certain things in order ahead of time. When you talk with her about what you know - you need to be prepared for the worst... I am talking DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

 

Be smart enough to protect yourself, then after the dicussion you can decide what is best, but at least you are prepared financially and by setting aside important paperwork.

 

I am so sorry!

 

Spot on Cal_Gal.

[cal gal]

WIT!

 

Happy V-day Love. XO cal gal....

[rustysquirrel]

 

Did she reply?

 

Not yet, but I'm watching like a hawk.

 

It is possible she won't reply. I think she suspects I've been keeping tabs on her. She did call him for a few minutes this morning, however (I checked her cell phone log).

[cal gal]

Not yet, but I'm watching like a hawk.

 

It is possible she won't reply. I think she suspects I've been keeping tabs on her. She did call him for a few minutes this morning, however (I checked her cell phone log).

 

Might want to consider a keylogger for your computer, as she will totally deny anything and everything!

[witabix]

Not yet, but I'm watching like a hawk.

 

It is possible she won't reply. I think she suspects I've been keeping tabs on her. She did call him for a few minutes this morning, however (I checked her cell phone log).

 

Thats what you need to do RS, keep an eye out, and keep yourself safe.

[rustysquirrel]

Well, the good news is that I have found out the truth of the matter regarding my wife's involvement with this other man. The truth is that there is no romantic involvement between them. I have talked to both of them and am completely satisfied as the the character of their relationship.

 

The bad news is that my wife feels terribly hurt that I spied on her. She feels that her privacy was violated and she now thinks that she can't trust me not to spy on her. She feels that she is being stalked by someone she trusted and whom she expected to trust her. She says she understands why I did it (so does the other guy, who said that if he were in my place he would feel the same way), and acknowledges that I had reasons for doing as I did, but she thinks I should have handled it differently.

 

Here's what I did. I knew they were getting together last night and so I drove to his house, since she had said she never went there. I saw her car in the driveway and lost it. I rang the doorbell. Well, that was awkward. What I discovered was that they had stopped by his house just for a minute before going out together for drinks. She was wearing her coat and I had just happened to get there, coincidentally, at the time where things looked worst.

 

Well, she was humiliated and angry that I had shown up. When I got home I called the guy and we talked for about 1/2 hour. It's hard to say why I believe there is nothing worrisome going on, but after talking to him, and to her, that is the vibe that I got. Just as my intuitions led me to know she had not been completely honest with me, now they tell me that in spite of that, there is nothing going on I need to worry about.

 

But now my problem is that I don't know how I can ever regain her trust. I can forgive her, but don't know whether she will ever be able to forgive me.

 

I feel terrible for what I did. I think there are better ways I could and should have handled things. I was impulsive and rash.

 

It remains to be seen whether our marriage will survive, I guess.

[Bryanp]

I would not be so quick to dismiss this out of hand. Clearly your wife has at the least an emotional affair going with this guy. The VD card says a great deal. Why must she go out with drinks with another man. Why must she continually be in touch with this OM. Why must she go over to the OM's house? I am sorry but your wife would never put up with such bull **** from you if the roles were reversed and you were constantly hanging out with another female, were in constant communications and phone calls with another woman, receiving loving cards from another woman and just happen to be caught at the OW's home. A marriage consists of two people and not three. I would suggest that there is probably more to the story than you realize. Something does not sound kosher with their relationship.

[cal gal]

I agree -

 

There is still something that is not sitting right with me.

 

SHE turned the tables and blamed you???? Incredible!

 

She's hiding a lot of stuff with this guy and spells trouble!

No matter how she wants to present it, she is wrong in what has been doing and wrong to say she is angry with you.

 

You need to delve deeper my dear! Now she will be covering her tracks better than before....

 

Good Luck

[rustysquirrel]

I appreciate the comments, but I really am fully convinced that their relationship is innocent in all the ways that concern me. They have both been through some really rough times and their relationship is mutually therapeudic. I don't WANT to keep tabs on her anymore. I don't think there is a need. What I want is for her to be able to trust me and for me to be able to trust her. I think she has been honest with me in all the ways that matter. Again, this is my intuitions talking here. I trust her. But I can't get her to believe that I do. The problem is that I had snooped on her before and swore I would not do it again. I broke that promise and found the valentine's email in her trash. She explains that she thought it was a little too mushy and deleted it because she felt uncomfortable about it. She has great insecurity about herself, and he went overboard because he was trying to validate her and boost her self esteem. That explanation makes absolute sense to me because she really does have great insecurity -- about her appearance (she'd gorgeous!), about her weight (she's thin and sexy), about her intelligence (she's brilliant), nd about her abilities (she's damned good at what she does). So her insecurities are ill-founded, but I can never get her to believe that. I can EASILY see him going overboard in an effort to help her see how wonderful she truly is.

 

Part of the problem is that she has a mood disorder that seems similar in a lot of ways to Borderline Personality Disorder (maybe its a mild form of it?) that makes her prone to anxiety, depression, an inability to let go of negative experiences and to compound them together. She won't agree to counseling because in the past she had some absolutely nightmarish experiences with arrogant, unfeeling psychiatrists who treated her like crap, and I can't blame her one bit for being "twice shy" there.

 

I've looked into counseling for me, but it's not covered by my health plan andin any event, I can't afford $100/hour+ for what the sessions cost.

[Mz. Pixie]

The problem is that I had snooped on her before and swore I would not do it again. I broke that promise and found the valentine's email in her trash. She explains that she thought it was a little too mushy and deleted it because she felt uncomfortable about it. She has great insecurity about herself, and he went overboard because he was trying to validate her and boost her self esteem. That explanation makes absolute sense to me because she really does have great insecurity -- about her appearance (she'd gorgeous!), about her weight (she's thin and sexy), about her intelligence (she's brilliant), nd about her abilities (she's damned good at what she does). So her insecurities are ill-founded, but I can never get her to believe that. I can EASILY see him going overboard in an effort to help her see how wonderful she truly is.

 

Part of the problem is that she has a mood disorder that seems similar in a lot of ways to Borderline Personality Disorder (maybe its a mild form of it?) that makes her prone to anxiety, depression, an inability to let go of negative experiences and to compound them together. She won't agree to counseling because in the past she had some absolutely nightmarish experiences with arrogant, unfeeling psychiatrists who treated her like crap, and I can't blame her one bit for being "twice shy" there.

 

I've looked into counseling for me, but it's not covered by my health plan andin any event, I can't afford $100/hour+ for what the sessions cost.

 

Look, here's a splash of cold water for you.

 

Are you freaking kidding me here?? There is absolutely no way I would tolerate behavior from my husband that you are willing to tolerate from your wife. The mere fact that he is making her feel attractive and that she has admitted this to you- makes this whole thing true. COME ON.

 

He is meeting the needs that you should be meeting and since the relationship is mutually theraputic as you say you're willing to allow her to screw around on you??

 

Trust me, she is. How do I know? I've done it myself.

 

If she needs to talk to someone or go out with someone for drinks it either needs to be you or one of her same sex friends. He gave her a mushy Valentines card!

 

Here's another splash of cold water for you- when I was cheating?? I looked my husband right in the face and denied it. He believed me. I'm not proud of the behavior but I'm telling you- cheaters always lie to cover their behavior.

 

Please talk to someone beyond this board so they can shake some sense into you. Later on when you find out she is indeed doing something she shouldn't be you're going to be looking back remembering these posts and kicking yourself!