Did she leave me for another man??

[batesal]

I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3.5 years (she was in a abusive relationship for 5 years)and everything was "PERFECT" we did everything together, and then she asked me if I wanted to move in with her, and of course snice I was soo in love for 2 years previous and things were getting better day after day I said yes. We lived together peacefully until about around Nov, we she went on a cruise. I began to ask her questions about our relationship and if she still felt the same way about me like she did 2 years ago, and she told me that there was no one else that could make her as happy as I did. When she got back from her cruise we spend alot of time together and I thought that things were getting better, but they werenot. She began to go out with her friends and come home more late, and when I questioned her about that she got very upset and asked me why I question her about things. We spent X-mas together and, but another I noticed about her was that she was not sexually intrested anymore, (before we had sex at least once a week), and although I spent $4,000 on her for x-mas, we didn't have any intercrouse. Well on New Years, she supposly went to a friends house, because I had to work, and she told me that she would be home at a decent hour. I said ok. and I got off work around 12:15. I called her and told her that I was on my way home that if she wanted to come home early she could. Well I went to sleep around 1:00 and I woke up around 2:45 and she was not there. It took me about 5 calls to finally get her on the phone and I asked her what was going on, she told me she was drunk and couldnot drive. When I asked her if I could pick her up, she said no, and that she would be home later. Well she came home around 5:45, and suggled next to me. On Tuesday we had signed a new lease at our apartment complex and then on Thursday I gave her a poem in a picture frame that took me 6 months to write, and I gave it to her. She cried. Sunday I went up to her work and she kissed me on the neck and told me that she loved me and missed me and 4 hours later she told me that she wasn't intrested in the realtionship anymore. I tried to get her to tell me why, but she refused. I asked her if she wanted to be single and she told me that she didn't want to be tied down to anyone, and that she wanted to be able to do what she wanted. She told me that she wanted to stay friends, but made no way to show that she wanted to be friends. Of course snice this was the second serious relationship that I was in (the 1st one I ended because the woman was very controlling) I tried very hard to make contact with her and everything. Well I have found out that it was not a good idea to do that. 1st she told me that she wanted to figure if I was the one she wanted to be with or not, then about a week later, she told me that she was breaking up with me, then about 3 weeks ago we talked and she told me that we were broken up with the intent of getting back together.Well I have found on from numerous people that she was seeing someone for that last 2 months of our relationship (Nov-Dec). We were on the same phone plan so I was able to see phone records. This guy had called her @ 12:00 on New Years and it took her 8 minutes to call me and wish me a Happy New Year. Then that same night while she was laying next to me, she called him at 6:21 in the morning and they talked for about 5 minutes. The day she broke up with me, she had been talking to him on the phone and then when she came home she told me she had fell out of love and she didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. She had made contact with me and told me that she felt that we should move out (after we had signed a new lease the Tuesday before). I beleive that this whole time, she has been trying to keep me on the back burner while she screws around with this guy. My question is, do you think that this guy who she is seeing now and talking to every single day that she works with, and has been hanging out with alot lately convienced her that I was the wrong person for her and that she could do better, or what? I am confused about this situation becuase 1st off her parents don't agree that interracial date is right, and second she keeps telling and showing me that she doesn't want me to leave her. What did this guy do to her to make her hate me?

[Still_In_Love]

Hey Batesal,

 

First of all, I feel for you. I am sorrry that you have to go through this crap. Reading your post brought back alot of memories of my ex-gf and how she told me how much she loved me in the morning and dumped me later that night...talk about dejavu. I was told how much she loved me, that no one could make her feel as happy as I did...blah, blah, blah!!! I also had to deal with some guy she worked with that lied about me!

My advise...as much as it hurts...cut your losses and move on. If she loved you, she wouldn't have disrepected you and she wouldn't be with someone else while dating you. If some guy has fed her BS about you and she believes any of it...she's not worth chasing! She will only hurt you again and again! How old is she? Sounds like she needs to grow up!

Don't call her at all...if she contacts you...ignore her calls and walk away. What goes around comes around and she'll end up finding out that...Yes you were the one who made her happy and you were the one that loved her!! The grass is never greener on the other side! Go out find someone that wants to be with you and only you!

Good luck!!

[batesal]

Well I took your advice and I have stopped all contact with her. I called the phone company got her number transferred off mine, boxed up all the things she ever gave me, gave her stuff back. Well you know I was soo upset with her. I don't even know why I called her, but I made it very brief told her that this will be the last time she hears my voice for a while. She asked why and I told her cause I am tried of being treated like ****. I told her I wrote her a e-mail to let her know where her stuff was, and also in that e-mail I basically told her that she has been stringing me out and I am tired of the BS. If she wanted to be my friend then she needed to act like it or leave me alone.

 

She replied me and told me that she was sorry (which I didn't beleive) and that she wanted us to be friends but the whole situation was new to her and hard and that the cold shoulder was becuase she was being distant from the rest of her friends, and that she wanted to stay in contact with me.

 

Why is the whole situation "new" to her? New cause she was cheating on me, her feelings are jacked up, she is still confused about leaving? I still have not responded, and I don't think I should but why would she feed that crap to me?

 

Thanks for all the help I have gotten

[Still_In_Love]

Hey Batesal,

 

Good for you! The hard part is wanting to find an excuse to contact your ex. Those days when you feel like calling...just remember that she disrespected you and how she made you feel for her selfishness. That will help you move on!

[batesal]

Well I was awaked this morning to a instant message on my phone (blackberry) and she said that she needed to call me cause she wanted to give me back my stuff. I replied 1st and asked her why she is iming me @ 8 in the morning and she said cause she got home. I then asked her why she needed to call me and she said that she wanted my address so she could mail it. I told her that there are other ways of getting a address other than having to talk to the person. She was like OK, she then asked me later on in the conversation if I there was anything new? I responded saying "in regards" she was like to you working on Valentine's Day. I told her that I always have to. She was like OK.

 

What sucks about this whole thing she woke me up and I couldn't fall back asleep. She needs to leave me alone. Am I wrong for responding to a 8 o'clock IM? Did she just Im me cause she wanted to talk, to feed her ego, or is she seriously starting to figure out, that I am walking forward and not looking back, and she wants me to hang around and see if there is a chance for a comeback? I am a little confused about why it was important for her to talk to me at 8.

 

Any idea's or suggestions?

[Still_In_Love]

Batesal,

 

She is making an excuse to be in contact with you that’s all. She maybe figuring out that you are moving forward and she may be worried that you are gone. Contacting you to see if you respond strokes her ego because she knows that you will respond. The more you respond, the more she feels that she is in control of you and you are in her back pocket. So, if things don’t work out with anyone else, she’ll call you. Don’t play her game. If she needs to send you anything, she can find a way without needing to talk to you. Don’t contact her anymore. If she attempts to call or Im you again, ignore it as if it didn’t happen. When you don’t respond, it gives you your control back and it allows you to respect who you are.

I believe what people here have said. NC helps you heal and move forward. If by luck it offers you a second chance, hopefully you have learned to respect yourself and the one who dumped you realizes that to get you back means for them to work hard to get you back!

[batesal]

Well today is the day that I didn't want to work, but am gald that I am. I have been broken up with my ex for a month now and I am beginning to feel strenght that I didn't have at all this time last month. I did wake up in a werid mood but last night I had a great time. Just hung out and played games, and watched a movie. Surfed the web and finally went to bed around 4:30.

 

So far today I have made NO Contact to her and she has not contacted me. What sucks for me is that i have to go to work (restrauant) and see all those proposals, kisses, roses, etc. That will bother me. I know that with my friends, and not thinking about this issuse will give me the strenght to get through this. I am not sure afterwards how I will feel, but I know that once I get past this day, things will be easier. The only other day I have to worry about is her b-day. I havenot thought about her today at all (is that a good thing), and I don't care what she thinks about me. I just want to make it from 5:00 until 12:00 and then I will have a quicker healing process.

 

Wish me luck tonight at work.

[Still_In_Love]

Batesal, you don't need luck my friend...you have the strength inside you to make it through. That strength you feel is your own respect you are gaining back for yourself. My worst days were Christmas and New Years, but what I found was that when it was over, I was stronger within myself.

[batesal]

Well I woke up this morning feeling werid. I dunno why I felt that way. I had a good day yesterday not thinking about her in anyway. I did. When I woke up this morning for about 2 hours all I could do is think about her, what she did for Valentine's Day, with who, and all kinds of other things. But snice I woke up this morning I have still made no contact with her. I am feeling a little better, but something that I actually forgot about today was this past December I had preorder some flowers for Valentine's Day (i got an e-mail about a special) I went to check my e-mail this morning and I got a delivery conformation, and I was blown away, I had forgot to cancel the order. Well she Im'ed me this afternoon and said this "hey.... thank you soooo much for the beautiful flowers.. that was very thoughtful of you. I will talk to you soon." I dunno. I am not going to contact her becuase it will fuel her ego and make her think she is still in control of me, but I guess that e-mail kinda make me think, has she been thinking about me, and if she has what has she been thinking, does she want me back, or is she still confused. Well I am totally unsure what it mean, and I am not going to go digging for answers. What I do know is "talk to you soon", means later. She always says that "talk to you soon crap." Still in Love, I appreciate all your advice. It has help alot. But me feeling like I did this morning, is that normal, or am I feeling for her in the wrong way? Yeah I still love her, but I am now unsure of what to do if she wants me back, or asks me about our relationship. Any suggestions?

[batesal]

I dunno. I have been thinking about my ex lately. I realy don't know why

i have been getting information that says that she has been wondering about how I have been and what I have been up to. She has been calling me alot and I have been trying to keep no contact, cause I just cannot stand to talk to her, because it makes me hurt as a person. I am kinda confused on what I need to do. Part of me wants her back more than anything and the other part is telling me that she is soo confused that she may be doing this to keep you around. It has been a month snice I have seen her and 2 weeks snice I last talked to her, and all is well, until she calls me about paying me back and stuff. I believe that she is now beginning to understand how much I meant to her, I dunno, but all I do know is that lately she has been having many excuses to call me.

 

What do I need to do to move on? do I need to tell her that if she wants me back to tell me, or do I need to ask her myself? Do I need to tell her to leave me alone, or do I need to invite her over for drinks and talk about the past?

 

What do I need to do to get to her to either come back or leave me alone?

[Amacada]

You said: "What do I need to do to get to her to either come back or leave me alone?"

 

There's your answer.

 

Tell her to either get her sh*t together and come back to you, or leave you alone. Tell her that there is no middle ground and then walk away.

 

Once you do that, you let go. You don't keep dwelling on the situation and wondering if there is anything *else* you can do.....because you have done everything you can.

[batesal]

Well here we go again. She calls me today and accuses me of spying on her through the internet. She said that I added her (boyfriend) to my buddy list and that I have been keeping tabs on her. I has offended that she would say something like that when it is her checking up on me. I am beginning to see how selfish she is and iy is really unattractive. I mean, why does she constantly call me, now she is driving by my house. She asked me what I have been up to and I told her that I have been getting into trouble alot and have been hanging out with friends until the weed hours of the morning then she goes about and to ask me with who. Then she ask me if I have gotten a garage yet. I am like why? She says because she was curious. She asked me how the ferret was doing and I told her that it is fine. Then she had to go.. She calls me to check up on me and to see if I am still intrested. I never do talk to her about myself, just about what I do. She personally thinks I am intrested. That is why is constantly calls me and IM's me and does all this ****. She is now beginning to understand that I am moving on with my life in a direction that she doesn't want me to go. Boy is she soo confused.

 

She told me the other day that she wants to be with me for the rest of her life, but she is unsure yet. She told me that she needs to be single for a while (I guess that means screw whatever I dunno), and I told her that I am leaving and not looking back. She asked me why and I told her becuase I am not going to let you place ME on the back burner and decided when you are ready to rekindle us. I have tried hard to give you your space and you constantly throw it back in my face.

 

Guys/Gals do you think I did the right thing? Yeah I still have feelings for her. But I don't care for her anymore. Why does she keep bothering me about BS for? I just seem not to understand. I have not called, IM or e-mailed her for a month and she constantly tries to make contact week after week.. WHY?

[batesal]

I am soo sick of this crap. Treat me like **** when I talk to you, act like a fool in wanting me back when I don't. I sure hate the fact that she is playing with my emotions.

 

OK. so let's say she is scared. What is it that she is scared about? Losing me forever, her having a second chance, to make my life a living hell, what is she scared about? I have literly done everything that I possibly could and it to me still is not enough. I dunno what elese to do. I think that I am doing the right thing by trying to let her go, but I personally feel that I am not. I know that actions speak louder than words, so I know that she wants to me stay around long enough for her to get into a relationship, decide what she wants, or even decide to come back.

 

You know when you have serious feelings for someone, it is very hard to just turn the switch off. Sometimes it is easy, and sometimes it is DAMN hard. I did find out that she has been talking about me lately at her work, but she is still hanging out with this "guy" she claims is her friend. I still have maintianed my distance from her, and I know that the more I distance myself from her, the better I feel. Maybe someday I will fee like I am going to kill her if I see her. But I think that I need to stay away from her. What do I need to do about the phone calls and the IM's? Do I need to ingore them? delete them without looking, ask her to stop calling? What?

[RecordProducer]

I think nobody ever leaves someone FOR someone else. You need to stop loving person A first in order to cheat, lie or dump them for person B.

 

In your case, I believe you felt inferior to your girlfriend, which made you act accordingly. That again caused her to feel disrespect for you.

 

It doesn't sound to me like she is crazy about the other guy if they talked 3 times x 5 min in the last two months.

 

P.S

... and although I spent $4,000 on her for x-mas, we didn't have any intercrouse.

[batesal]

I am sorry.. I don't understand what you mean. I can understand if there are things that I did, but you know how in the world do you know what you do wrong if someone is willing to tell you what you did wrong. I ask on many times, if there is something I am doing wrong to let me, I told her that I had never been in a relationship past 1.5 years, and she was in one for 5 years. I would had believed that she would be able to see where I am weak at and help me to get better in that area, but I got nothing. I cannot read people's mind, but sometimes you can read their heart. I knew there was something wrong in my relationship, but I couldn't pinpoint it.

 

I am a very honest person, and I am not a controlling person. I just would like to know when I **** up, when, and what did I do. I beleive that all people should at least know when they mess up. Unless the person is always doing it.

[batesal]

Well, I have had a bad week. On Thursday night when I came home, i went to check on my ferret like I always do, and it was very sick. I called the vet and they told me to bring her to them ASAP. Before I went to the vet. I called my ex (ONLY CAUSE IT WAS A EMERGENCY) and told her that she needed to come over and say her goodbye's to her ferret (we raised it together), and she was like No, I was like she is not going to make it through the night, and she still refused. I said fine. Well to make a long story short, I had to put the ferret down. She asked me to keep her remains, so I did.

 

I called her the next day to figure out what we were going to do about who was going to get the remains, and she started to complain to me about how tired she was and stuff, I was like sorry. Then I told her snice she treated the ferret like dirt last night that I wanted to talk to her. She was like no I don't want to. Then she said that I was acting like her last boyfriend (WHO was abusive and threathing), so I said "Thanks for putting me in a catagory with him." Then I told her that snice she thinks that way of me that she will never hear from me again. You know I had been doing alot better overall, then she catagorizes me, that really hurts. But you know, because she has met this other guy she is beginning to act in a way that I can't handle. So I have completely cut all communication off to her from my end. Meaning that I no longer have the same number, or IM names. I tired to be the better person in a IMPORTANT moment and situation, and she threw it back in my face. I have buried my ferret and I will be making so memory things for it, but as far as she goes. She will never know what I did.

[RecordProducer]

Sorry you're feeling this way and you didn't even get any replies for a couple weeks.

 

It's good that you decided to give up on her. She obviously doesn't deserve your love. Be strong! You'll love and be loved again. Cheer up and keep your chin up!

[batesal]

Well it has been 2 weeks snice I last posted so, here goes.

 

About a week after my ferret's death, she called me crying. It took her about 3 tries to get me on the phone, cause I didn't want to talk to her. She eventually called my mother house, where I was, and snice I didn't hear the phone I had to talk to her. She tells me that she did this, she did that, and I am like whatever. Then she starts to talk to me about the guy she is seeing, and I just let her vent, plus this is what I have been waiting to hear, because everytime I ask her about her, she gets really mad, and hangs up or we argue. So after she is done, I ask her a couple of questions, then I tell her I have to go to work. She tells me that she knows now that she made a mistake, and that she wants to work things out, but she needs time to make sure. I tell her that I am not going to wait until she has grown up to decide whatever. I also tell her about the month, and how she slapped me around, treated me like crap, and the whole nine yards. I was very upset. Well on Monday we talk and she confesses the REAL REASON why she left me. (it's obivous) and I was hurt, but not angry hurt or teary eye hurt. I asked her why, and she couldn't tell me why, except for she needed SPONTAEOUS in her life, and I stopped doing that. I told her that I never did, she just quit noticing. I also told her that she hurt me alot by using me for 2 months, and that all that attention that she got from that guy will never compare to what I had given her. She told me that she wanted to be with me, but she wanted to make sure. I told her to stop making promises that you can't keep, cause I am not playing that. I told her that I am not that intrested in her anymore because of what she did to me, and that she needs to go sleep with him, cause that is what she wants. She began to cry and I just walked out of the room. More or less, she knows that she cannot get what she wants right now. I am really having a hard time b/c although I wanted her to talk to me, I didn't want it on her terms. I know that snice Nov, she has been using me and pushing me away.

 

Me and my ex are talking, but nothing has changed. She clamis that she is still confused about "us", and she still has strong feelings for me, but she wants to see if this guy she is seeing now is going to work. I am going to try this "friend thing", but snice I have been able to control my feelings very well, I beleive that she will be the one that will be hurt, especailly if she goes a week without talking to me. I still don't call her, she calls me, and I have deleted her phone number out of my phone book, so I can try to forget the number that calls. I am doing alot better, but I still have alot of personal emotion that I need to fix.

[salmagundi]

Listen Batesal,

 

reading your thread has been infuriating because I recognize my ex in yours. You're doing the right thing by walking away from this. I've played the "I dont know what I want but I dont want to lose you" game followed by the "I still dont know what I want but lets be f***buddies" and now I realize that "I dont know what I want" means "I dont want you anymore but I havent found anything better yet so I'm going to keep you around til I do." Sounds like your ex is doing somehting similar but honestly, what f*cking bulls**t to tell you that she wants to be with you, she just wants to keep f*cking this guy here until she's sure. Jeez...

 

Anyway, my wisdom for all LS'ers is once broken up with, walk away from the ex and dont look back. I let my ex string me along beacuse I was SO sure that there was nobody on EARTH to compare with her and now...I had a first date this weekend with someone this weekend who has made me forget my ex utterly and entirely. FOr anyone who has read my thread from about two months ago, the world is once again a beautiful place and the sun is shining and ...sigh... If everything works out with this new girl then getting dumped by my ex will be the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

And I'm sure the same thing will happento you BAtesal. Just make your ex go away and stay away.

 

good luck

 

salmagundi

[Sup?]

Um, looks like a power play to me man, she call you, hang up! See her go the other way! Don't go over there! Just leave THAT alone!

[penkitten]

there are more fish in the sea, find one that knows what she wants, (one that wants to be with you).

once someone pees in the pool, get out of the pool and dont go back in.

[batesal]

Yes, there are more fish in the sea, and snice I have been naive and only thinking on the level that she wanted me to, I had to get hurt again to understand I don't want that. I have been without her for 3 months, so I have to start thinking about me, and only me. The problem is that sometimes life can be a bitch and I give in. That is what I have to overcome. I have to keep my distance, get back to NC, and move on. My only problem is that I am not a highly movitavor, unless it is something that I want to strive to do.

 

One (++++) thing I can say is that everyday, my feelings for her shrink. I know because although it has been 3 months snice we broke up, I don't feel the same as I did in Jan. I am not saying that snice then I haven't felt differently about the situation, I just know that I have learned alot snice Jan. I donot feel like the world has ended. Yeah I know being single with a broken heart sucks, but sometime soon I will be happy again. As long as I stay active and busy, I will be good.

 

You know what I hate more than anything, when people can't keep their promises, doesn't matter what it is, it just really gets under my skin, to me it's a fib and it really upsets me. That is one thing snice my breakup I can say that my ex has done to me that I really hate, although she claims this, and claims that. It is what you call 100% bulls***.