Mustang Posted August 24, 2001 Share Posted August 24, 2001 My girlfriend (my sweetheart) just told me that. I cannot believe this is happening to me. There is no third party. We have been very happy since we met each other. She said I meet her expectations on everything expcept my attitude to marriage. I told her that's something I am prepared to change for her. I donnot think there is anything else I can do. I was almost on my knees. Have you had similar experience? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted August 24, 2001 Share Posted August 24, 2001 I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Yes, I have had a very similar experience. My long-time boyfriend broke up with me shortly after concluding (after much doubt & confusion) that he wanted to marry me. He could never give me a meaningful explanation. He was just certain that he had to break up with me. I was shocked, panicked and terribly hurt at first, of course. After the shock and panic subsided (took more than a month) I found that although I still didn't really know what was going on with him I did recognize that breaking up was for the best. Although we'd rarely fought and had remarkable harmony between us, my bf had never been able to fully open up to me (or anyone else). He knew that it would sabotage things between us sooner or later -- and he was right. Your girlfriend seems to be saying that your reluctance to marry her is going to sabotage the relationship -- and she may well be right. When/if I get married I will want my partner to be fully committed and absolutely delighted to be doing so. I won't want someone shuffling unwillingly into the church. One frequently hears about men's reluctance to marry, their fears about giving up their freedom, taking on more responsibility when kids come along, etc. Women face the same doubt-causing things!!! How insulting is it to get your own doubts in check and have an optimistic outlook despite your partner's numerous foibles -- only to have him hem and haw and drag his feet as if marriage to you were an imposition or even a punishment! Not only is such an attitude terribly insulting, it does not bode well for the marriage itself. Would you be resentful of the obligations marriage and parenthood naturally entail? Would you be a sullen, avoidant partner who behaves as if he's doing everyone a favor just by being there? I wouldn't sign up for a lifetime of that (and let's face it, it wouldn't be a lifetime because there would almost certainly be a divorce). It's easy to imagine countless ugly scenarios that could come out of such an unhappy foundation. Your girlfriend may well have realized that and has made the painful acknowledgement that it's just not going to work, despite your mutual love, because you're stuck in an immature, selfish mode. I'm not saying it's immature to not want to be married, nor is it selfish -- but you need to own up to that and not give anyone the impression that you're open to change on that front. Why should your gf take responsibility for you changing your attitude? If you don't want to be married for yourself, for the benefits and joy that married life can bring to your life, you certainly shouldn't be considering it for "her sake," because neither of you would be happy with the outcome. It's hard to accept that love isn't enough sometimes. I'm still trying to come to terms with that myself. You might try to see things from your girlfriend's perspective though ... and if you do you may see that she's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 24, 2001 Share Posted August 24, 2001 midori was right on the mark on every point. It's way too late for change. If during your relationship you made it very clear that you were not into getting married, your lady will have serious doubts about your sincerity at this time. Remember, everything you say comes back to you. If you were sincere about your feelings about marriage, just move on. Your ex is looking for marriage at some point and doesn't want to waste her time with someone who isn't at least willing to tread in that direction. Even though you may still be against marriage, you are missing her. You probably didn't realize just how much you cared for her. Learn to get in touch with your feelings so this doesn't happen again. I am reminded of a quote, I don't know by whom: "Loves knows not its own depth, except in the hour of separation." Link to post Share on other sites
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