Help! Emergency Parental issue!

[Artlover]

I will try to make this as brief as possible. If anyone has any questions, just ask. I'm the only child of a single mother. I'm 32 and my mother is 54. My mom was one of those sacrificing martyr types. She did a lot of really great things with me and for me, but she also made a lot of mistakes (what parent hasn't?). My mother has been depressed for the last 15 years and is now going through menopause, so her depression has reached epic proportions (no, she's not on medication for EITHER condition and stubbornly refuses to get professional counseling of any kind).

 

Basically after I moved out of the house and went to college, her life just stopped. There were other issues, MAJOR ones from her childhood, and also the end of her second marriage around that time, but, unfortunately, the beginning of her downward spiral started when I no longer needed her. I carried guilt around about my mom's unhappiness for years and it held me back until I took control of my life and realized my mom is a victim, because she chooses to be one.

 

Fast forward to now. I had some money problems a year ago and left the apartment I lived in for 8 years. I moved in with her for about six months and it was HELL. We couldn't live togather the first time and this was even worse, for many reasons. 1. My age 2. her various hormonal/chemical problems 3. My anger/traumatized feelings about my own siutuation 4. the fact that my mother and I had to see our situation and each other clearly, as adults for the first time. 5. The fact that my mother is extremely resentful of the fact that she decided to live vicariously through me her whole adult life and now has the nerve to blame me.

 

It was a painful, difficult, nightmare of a process, but to me important, because I got to resolve stuff, forgive stuff and accept that she will never be the mother or the type of person I want her to be, though I love her very much.

 

So now I'm gone (staying with friends until I move) and, of course, she's gotten worse, if possible. She has stopped working, stopped functioning and wants us to get a place together. She asked me last night in the middle of a meltdown/fit "If I needed to stay with you, like you needed to stay with me before, you'd let me right?" Honestly, after this recent experience, I barely want to be around her again, let alone LIVE with her ever again. Even when she's old, I want to get her a place of her own and a nurse. Seriously.

 

She doesn't know I'm leaving the state in December yet. Honestly, I don't want to put up with her crap about it until I have to: Sept, Oct even. She's talking about us getting an apartment togather now. Of course the answer is no. However, given her fragile mental/emotional condition, I don't want to hurt her with careless words.

 

How do I handle this? How do I tell her I'm leaving the state? How responsible am I for my mother's living arrangements if she just stops functioning? I fear she's going to make herself ill, just to guilt me. If she needed to stay with me on a short term basis, to sort things out, that's one thing (and frankly I don't want that, but it's only fair after she helped me), but I'm not ready at 32 to take care of my mother. Do I owe her this?

 

Please give me honest, thoughful feedback on this. It may sound like a no-brainer, but my mother is a master manipulator.

[Tony T]

You have no obligations whatsoever to your mother. What I see here is one industrial strength codependent situation that must be halted.

 

You have got to get out of this feeling guilty thing. You cannot allow your mother to drag you down for the rest of your life. You got screwed over enough by her as it is. As an adult you have control and you have to stop letting her influence you now.

 

Your mother has refused counselling, medication, etc. for her problems. That is her decision. If she doesn't want to improve her life, that's not your fault...it's hers.

 

Now you have your life to live independent of her. Point her in the direction of help and go about your life, including your move.

 

I certainly understand how you may feel about this but it's absolutely nuts for some woman to bring a child into this world for the sole purpose of burdening it with junk for years and years, which seems to be what your mother is doing. Reject this NOW and go about your plans and be happy.

 

Ultimately, when faced with reality and in the absense of you being there to enable her, your mother will seek the help she needs. When she asks if she can ever move in with you, just tell her NO WAY...that the last experience was terrible and life is just too short to put HER and YOU through that again.

 

You've come a long way. Free yourself from the chains that bind you to your mother and start having a happy life of your own. If your mother chooses to be depressed and to screw up her life, that doesn't obligate you to do the same. She can get help if she wants.

 

Be happy...life is very, very short. Today could be your last...and mine too.

[midori]

Dear Artlover,

 

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear of your predicament.

 

Are you related to my ex bf? I know you're not but your situation with your mom is remarkably similar to his. Messed up mothers are indescribably difficult, those of us who are fortunate enough to have sane, supportive parents really cannot imagine the guilt, the frustration, the hopeless hope, the love, and the anger that one can simultaneously feel toward such a parent.

 

Having said that I will say that I've put a lot of thought into how my ex bf could have made things better for himself (and his mother) by recognizing that the life story she conveys, one of unappreciated self-sacrifice and betrayal, is not entirely accurate. You seem to have a better idea of the truth in that regard. My ex's m.o. for dealing with his mother was to move half way around the world and pretend that his life was untouched by her condition (which seems to be untreated manic depression complicated by alcoholism -- both of which she denies). The thing that I always thought he failed to recognize was that his mother felt abandoned by all the people in her life who "should" have been there for her: first her husband (divorce), then her son (my ex). Do you think that maybe at the heart of it that's what your mom feels too? Is it something that could be improved if you could convey reassurances to her that you would never abandon her as she seems to fear?

 

There is some wisdom to what Tony says about you being under no obligation to accommodate your mother's ludicrous notions and that you have your own life to live. But she's you mother ... it's not that easy, is it? Cutting your mother out of your life completely (which my ex has tried to do) often requires one to shut down emotionally (again, my ex). I actually doubt that's the best way to go, for you or for your mom.

 

But you can't be a slave to her insanity either. You are moving in a few months. You couldn't live with her anyway. Can you say that to her? Can you say something to the effect of "Mom I love you dearly and you must know that I'm there for you when you need me but you also know that we'd be at each other's throats in a matter of hours if we tried to live with each other again." I guess the approach I'm suggesting involves coddling her a bit, reassuring her, but still treating her like an adult who can recognize and handle the truth if it's put in front of her in a non-hostile way.

 

Maybe that's not possible.

 

It does sound like you've got a pretty realistic view of the situation overall. I think you must know that there's no magic cure all for people with mental illness. A certain amount of detachment is required I think. But you can't disconnect entirely when it's your mom.

 

I suspect I haven't offered any kind of realistic solution to your problem Artlover. But I very much hope that you can find some kind of workable solution that you and your mother can live with.

 

Bless you and don't forget your own needs.

 

-midori

[Artlover]

Thank you both for your help. I think you're both correct in your opinions. Tony, thank you: I needed to be reminded that I don't owe my mother anything. That her life and the way it is now is a direct result of her choices and I must now make the right choices for myself. I knew this already, but sometimes it's easy to fall back into old patterns. She really knows how to push my buttons. And yes, I allow her to push them from time to time (though not even close to as often as before).

 

Anyway, Midori: thank you for the kind, sensitive words. I can tell you for a fact that your ex has a lot on his plate. What he has been dealing with is no small thing. Has he ever gotten therapy? Because, if not, you guys never even had a fair chance. As for talking things out with her, unfortunately, my mother is not rational at the moment and there's simply no reasoning with her in her present state. She hears what she wants to hear and believes what she wants to believe. She can have a logical conversation with me, agree that she needs to make changes in her life and then the next day, it's the same old same old. It's like dealing with an addict. I'm simply not qualified.

 

However, I have no intention of cutting her out of my life. I thought about doing that last week. It would be very easy as I'm moving across the country. But then I remembered that she did the same thing to her mom 15 years ago (not coincidentally around the time she slipped into the depression) and it's been a very destructive force in her life. Her mother is with her now, more than ever. I don't want that. I'd rather have my mom in my life, AT A DISTANCE!

 

My mom ended the relationship with her second husband, cut ties with HER overbearing controlling mother and saw me leave the house and go to college within a matter of months. And she never sought help. Not once. She let these wounds fester, until now. Jesus.

Dear Artlover, I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear of your predicament. Are you related to my ex bf? I know you're not but your situation with your mom is remarkably similar to his. Messed up mothers are indescribably difficult, those of us who are fortunate enough to have sane, supportive parents really cannot imagine the guilt, the frustration, the hopeless hope, the love, and the anger that one can simultaneously feel toward such a parent. Having said that I will say that I've put a lot of thought into how my ex bf could have made things better for himself (and his mother) by recognizing that the life story she conveys, one of unappreciated self-sacrifice and betrayal, is not entirely accurate. You seem to have a better idea of the truth in that regard. My ex's m.o. for dealing with his mother was to move half way around the world and pretend that his life was untouched by her condition (which seems to be untreated manic depression complicated by alcoholism -- both of which she denies). The thing that I always thought he failed to recognize was that his mother felt abandoned by all the people in her life who "should" have been there for her: first her husband (divorce), then her son (my ex). Do you think that maybe at the heart of it that's what your mom feels too? Is it something that could be improved if you could convey reassurances to her that you would never abandon her as she seems to fear? There is some wisdom to what Tony says about you being under no obligation to accommodate your mother's ludicrous notions and that you have your own life to live. But she's you mother ... it's not that easy, is it? Cutting your mother out of your life completely (which my ex has tried to do) often requires one to shut down emotionally (again, my ex). I actually doubt that's the best way to go, for you or for your mom. But you can't be a slave to her insanity either. You are moving in a few months. You couldn't live with her anyway. Can you say that to her? Can you say something to the effect of "Mom I love you dearly and you must know that I'm there for you when you need me but you also know that we'd be at each other's throats in a matter of hours if we tried to live with each other again." I guess the approach I'm suggesting involves coddling her a bit, reassuring her, but still treating her like an adult who can recognize and handle the truth if it's put in front of her in a non-hostile way. Maybe that's not possible. It does sound like you've got a pretty realistic view of the situation overall. I think you must know that there's no magic cure all for people with mental illness. A certain amount of detachment is required I think. But you can't disconnect entirely when it's your mom. I suspect I haven't offered any kind of realistic solution to your problem Artlover. But I very much hope that you can find some kind of workable solution that you and your mother can live with.

 

Bless you and don't forget your own needs.

 

-midori