After my violent mom died..things fell apart

[Guest]

I"m sorry this is gonna be too long..but I felt i had to write everything..

 

4 years ago my mother died..I was 18, and didn't feel a thing. I had no special attachment to her, or to anyone else. I was programmed to eat, sleap, and bring home a good report card, along with certificates, medals and whatever was available..I never thought my life was bad, I thought I was lucky to have my parents..

 

My childhood was terrible, to be beaten til I bleed was normal. my mom would beat me with sticks she would buy from specialty stores for blind ppl. I would get weird looks from the boys at school when I asked them if their moms beaten them. But inspite of that my mom was always regarded to by family and techers as a good mother. She even won the mother of the year award in my sisters' school in one of the years. And boy was she special. I remember once I made her upset, and she grabbed her stick and chased me around the house. I ran to the stree, and she followed me. I ran as fast as I could then looked back, she was still chasing me, but I saw her smiling..I thought she felt embarressed, and that she forgave me..so I stopped and smiled back..she kept running and hit me as soon as she reached me..I cried and ran, not because of the damn pain, but because I thought she forgave me when I saw her smile.

 

socializing with other kids was prohibited. In my entire school years from kindergarten to highshcool, i was only allowed to go to 3 or 4 parties, and tv was only allowed on the weekend.

 

he result was me, a studying machine with no confidence, and no connection to the outside world. I gradually became violent, and my mom would ask me to beat another sister of mine who did poorly in school. And I would beat her so badly. She still has a shaken confidence, but she manages to make friends and is less afraid to experess herself. I'm not sure if she will feel the same about me when she grows up, and I'm not sure if I should open the wounds and apologize to her.

 

As I said i had no emotions, so I never gave a thought to any of this, until two years after my mother's death. In the middle of my second year of university, images from my childhood started coming back, the begging, the beatings, the blood, the stickes, the purple marks, the tears...and It was all coming in the wrong time. I would set in the library for 2 hours just thinking about crap instead of doing homework. My insecurity was too destructive, I had no courage to seek help for any of my courses, and I faild the year. I dropped out and moved away to another city to "fix things up".

 

I joined a community college, and I'm more confident and feel more "normal" than before. But new problems have come up; I'm a lot more disoriented, I loose belongings all the time, still unable to communicate with people, and even get sympathy looks from some students and teachers. I do not want to be sorry for. I feel very disappointed in myself, and although I love the freedome and the sense of accomplishment that i'm doing fine on my own, I still miss the days when I didn't have any of these new problems, when I was on the top five of the class and had a clearer vision of what I wanted to do. i really hate where I'm at right now, and without a dialy dose of vigurous excerise I would be an insane man.

 

Knowing that counceling isn't an option with me (I can hardly make a simple conversation with anyone), I wonder if anyone had an experience with these type of memory and concentration problems ? are they permenant or temporary ? and how do you speed up your recovery ?

 

Tilk