fooled Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 How am I still in the denial stage??? How have her lies and cheating taken a back seat to my irrational thoughts of wanting to work things out with her?????? I just wrote her a letter (that I don't intend to send) - and it made me hurt all over again. This is a person who can't love! Link to post Share on other sites
ThatOneGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Sadly, love is more tangible then we all want it to be. Sometimes people wish for nothing more then to shoo love off like some unwanted houseguest. But... it doesn’t work that way. Love stays with you, through all the good and the bad. The only thing that can cure the wounds wrought by love is time. And even then, they do not fully heal. Denial is just another side-effect of love’s cruel intentions. I have faith that you will overcome your dark feelings, but right now you just need to let time come to you, let your thoughts sail away, and let the healing begin. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Fooled, I still have a scar from crashing headlong into an embankment on a bike I had when I was a child. A scar that ripped through the inside of my thigh just above my knee is still visible. As a young girl, I thought I would be ruined for life with that wound, and the scar that slowly formed. But after all these years, it has actually just faded to an almost unnoticeable little white blemish no more the length of a thumbnail, and I hardly ever give it a thought. It's still there, but it's not gushing blood, nor being held together by stitches, nor even in the process of healing, anymore. It's just there. It'll be there the rest of my life, but it won't cause me the same pain it did when it happened, nor the worry of how to deal with it. And it certainly didn't ruin my life, as I had thought. It's insignificant, now, to my day-to-day living except for one thing: it was an experience that taught me how it feels to crash. And we all emotionally crash into something during our lifetime. Nowadays, when I look at that scar, I don't think so much of crashing into that damn embankment, -instead, I miss the hell out of that pearl-white Schwinn bike, and wish I could feel the same excitement that I did then, and the wind rushing through my hair again, as I raced across that long bridge, -just before I crashed on the other side of it. (Smile) There's a place for this story in the 'big picture' for you. You'll see it sometime soon. Take care. -Rio 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 How am I still in the denial stage??? How have her lies and cheating taken a back seat to my irrational thoughts of wanting to work things out with her?????? I just wrote her a letter (that I don't intend to send) - and it made me hurt all over again. This is a person who can't love! fooled, it happens. There isn't any set order one goes through in the stages of grief, You will go from anger, to depression, to denial, to bargaining, to acceptance and then back through all of them again in random order until you want to stick a bullet in your eye socket. It's going to take time, but eventually you will heal. I believe a big part of it is feeling lonely. You're not misssing them, you're missing the feeling of being with them, of being with someone. But all that hell and pain she put you through isn't worth it. Hug yourself or hug a cat or something 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 fooled, it happens. There isn't any set order one goes through in the stages of grief, You will go from anger, to depression, to denial, to bargaining, to acceptance and then back through all of them again in random order until you want to stick a bullet in your eye socket. It's going to take time, but eventually you will heal. I believe a big part of it is feeling lonely. You're not misssing them, you're missing the feeling of being with them, of being with someone. But all that hell and pain she put you through isn't worth it. Hug yourself or hug a cat or something Damn ..that is a great post Lonestar .. you nailed it.. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 How am I still in the denial stage??? How have her lies and cheating taken a back seat to my irrational thoughts of wanting to work things out with her?????? I just wrote her a letter (that I don't intend to send) - and it made me hurt all over again. This is a person who can't love! Because you have a void in your life that hasn't been filled yet, Fooled. You really do need to spend time with friends, go to the gym a lot and invest a lot of time into your hobbies. It's during down time that we let our emotions get the best of us. Have a list of all the negative things about your ex handy at all times. Whenever you start to miss her whip that list out and remind yourself why she isn't good enough to have your love. It helps, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Because you have a void in your life that hasn't been filled yet, Fooled. You really do need to spend time with friends, go to the gym a lot and invest a lot of time into your hobbies. It's during down time that we let our emotions get the best of us. Have a list of all the negative things about your ex handy at all times. Whenever you start to miss her whip that list out and remind yourself why she isn't good enough to have your love. It helps, trust me. Yes honey, just let a gal with loooooong slender legs wrap around you for comfort and you may feel a bit better? Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 How have her lies and cheating taken a back seat to my irrational thoughts of wanting to work things out with her?????? This is a person who can't love! Because you're a kind, loving, caring person who doesn't shut off their feelings for someone as soon as the relationship is over. That means you're human. That means you are emotionally healthy. It means that you understand what love really means...that when you truly love someone that it is a commitment that remains, and doesn't only exist when things are good and the other person is perfect. It means that you have the capacity to give a tremendous amount of love to someone......but this girl does not have the capicity to receive or reciprocate real love. It means that you understand and can experience what she can't: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 I should add that there is no shame, and nothing wrong with still loving her...in your heart. What you can't do, which is bringing you so much pain is that you aren't able to give that love to her. You're going to have to find the strength to accept that your love for her will have to remain in your heart...in it's own compartment, safely tucked away. And one day you will be able to open your heart again to another love, someone who can reciprocate and accept your love, and she will have her own place in your heart....much larger and more meaningful to you than what you feel for your ex right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 10, 2006 Author Share Posted February 10, 2006 Thank you to all! I really feel like the heavy hitters came up to the plate for me this time. All of your words resonate with comfort and caring. I have been feeling particularly weak today - and was on the verge of stopping by her place. Tonight I was invited to the 24th birthday party of the receptionist at the job I just worked. It was essentially me and a bunch of cute, bubbly 23 year old girls - normally a situation to be envied. However, firstly - they were all talking about their boyfriends. Which was fine, because I got to give them advice - kind of a live-action LS - and let's face it - I don't wanna get involved with a 23 year old. But the hostess was stunning. And as I left, I told her that I really needed to meet a girl as pretty as she is tonight. Exchanged names, wished each other a good night and I left. Knowing that there are other lovely, warm, interesting people to meet here. Again - thank you for reinforcing how the ex doesn't deserve my love. She would be the first to tell me - but we're not speaking, you see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 10, 2006 Author Share Posted February 10, 2006 Yes honey, just let a gal with loooooong slender legs wrap around you for comfort and you may feel a bit better? Hey CalGal - are you flirting with me? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatOneGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Hey CalGal - are you flirting with me? Spooning leads to forking! Zing! Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 RE: ThatOneGuy: " Spooning leads to forking!" TY for my first laugh of the day! (B-i-g Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 10, 2006 Author Share Posted February 10, 2006 I have vowed to give someone a genuine compliment every day - as a way to release some of this love I have in a positive way - as I did last night to a complete stranger. I have always felt that my purpose here on earth is to help make people happy. I seem to have forgotten that lately in my misery. I may even start a thread to express my gratitude towards members who have helped me. Right now Lonestar's "you don't miss her -you miss the feeling of being with her" is getting me through the day. That was a true gift, Lonestar -and I'm so lucky you were there last night. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 I have vowed to give someone a genuine compliment every day - as a way to release some of this love I have in a positive way - as I did last night to a complete stranger. I have always felt that my purpose here on earth is to help make people happy. I seem to have forgotten that lately in my misery. I may even start a thread to express my gratitude towards members who have helped me. Right now Lonestar's "you don't miss her -you miss the feeling of being with her" is getting me through the day. That was a true gift, Lonestar -and I'm so lucky you were there last night. Fooled, that's a great gesture. I just wanted to remind you of something. "You must love yourself before you can love others." That means before you can truly be kind, gentle and loving you must also be to yourself. Dude, go spend some money on yourself. Buy a new car, take a vacation to Europe or even just take a trip to Vegas. Spoil yourself for once and make sure your needs are met. The benefit of this is understanding it's OK for you to be happy too. And when you are happy and accept and love yourself you'll be able to easily do so with others. Your confidence will return, your boundaries much clearer and you will walk with a manly (but not obnoxious) strut. Journey said it best: "Be Good To Yourself....." Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 10, 2006 Author Share Posted February 10, 2006 CG - I actually don't deny myself too much materialistically. I've always felt that if your body is craving a certain food - go ahead and eat it - it's being craved for a reason. So what if it's too fattening, you can work out more and even it out. If you see a piece of clothing you want - if you an afford it - buy it! Only practically have I denied myself things. And it helps regain my identity when i can make someone smile for a genuine reason. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Only practically have I denied myself things. And it helps regain my identity when i can make someone smile for a genuine reason. Very good. Then if you don't mind, might I suggest you volunteer some time to the LA Homeless Shelter or any of the Children's charities? I mean, if you really want to make an impact in someone's life I can think of no greater causes. I take care of myself but I have no problem giving up something of mine, be it my time, my money or my possessions if it helps make someone's life a little easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Right now Lonestar's "you don't miss her -you miss the feeling of being with her" is getting me through the day. That was a true gift, Lonestar -and I'm so lucky you were there last night. Glad to have helped. Now if I could only swallow my own advice. Acceptance of reality is much harder. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Glad to have helped. Now if I could only swallow my own advice. Acceptance of reality is much harder. It's so much easier to give advice to others than it is to take our own. That silly thing that beats in our chest often times gets in the way of being rational. You're excused, Lonestar. We all do it. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 CaliGuy, the volunteering is an excellent idea. That's what I'm doing tomorrow.....spending time working for a cause that's near and dear to my heart. Plus, I always found that you can meet the best friends while volunteering -- which down the line could lead to finding a mate too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 OK - I'm pissed today. Angry that she began these new "relationships" while we were still together. Pissed at all the lies - it's driving me crazy with rage today. Remembering all the crap she told me that I know now were cover-ups. Angry that she relinquished responsibility because she has "problems with relationships - that's a reason I'm in therapy." Bullsh*t. She made a conscious decision to cheat (yeah I know that was redundant). I'm angry that I was used. And that I involved her in so much of my life that it's hard to break free now. It's no consolation that she's an unhappy person or lacks self esteem so she seeks validation through sex with as many men as she can. Or even that she's unhealthy emotionally or not capable of love. It pisses me off that I am bearing the brunt of it. At least I am not spending $100 for flowers on her and hundreds more for dinner on Valentines Day - like I know some other guy will. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Fooled, At least you're angry. Anger is good. It means you're closer to moving forward. I, however, am stuck. Stuck for days on end in nothing but the depressing feeling of longing. Can't find joy or comfort in anything. I wish I could get angry like you. My anger lasted less than one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 I'm sure mine will only last a short time too, Jen. I'm still on the rollercoaster. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I'm sure mine will only last a short time too, Jen. I'm still on the rollercoaster. I know what you mean. And it's like it's moving along in a perpetual loop and you're stuck on it without a motion sickness pill. This is especially for you, Fooled Link to post Share on other sites
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