lost the ability to love....

[???]

Since I separated with my 3-year bf a year ago, I think I've lost the ability to love someone. i think my ex was perfect, but things still didn't work out for the two of us (because he was too committed into his career and his ambition). After which, many guys have approached me and some of them treated me very well, but I can't seem to develop any kinds of feelings towards them even if I try very very hard. I really want to be in a relationship, and I am really scared of my callosity. What should I do, do I have a problem? How can i help myself?

[Tony T]

You don't have a problem. You just haven't totally healed. It even sounds like you are holding onto the past a bit more than you should. It's really hard to let go of someone you have loved.

 

Right now you aren't receptive to love, which always brings with it the possibility of getting hurt. But you will heal in time and one day your capacity to love and be receptive to the idea will absolutely be restored.

 

Give yourself time, don't try to rush anything. The fact that you are eager to find a relationship now is a good hint that you are well on your way to your goal.

[Daisy]

I agree with what Tony said, but I also have something to add.

 

I don't think you can't MAKE yourself fall in love with someone. Things just have to be right for love to happen. I'm sure after your difficult break-up, you're looking for someone to fill that void. But even if you find a man that you enjoy spending time with and you guys have tons of things in common, it's not a given that you'll fall in love with him. I think that in order to love someone, the chemistry has to be right, along with quite a few other factors.

 

So don't worry that you've lost the ability to love honey. You haven't lost anything. You just haven't found someone that's worthy of your love yet. But you will. Someday you'll find someone that'll make your heart skip a beat. Just give it some time.

[marzipan75]

Look, you're not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you. You were together with your ex for a while, so don't be alarmed if you still have some unresolved feelings for this person. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit here. You say it's been a year since you two separated, under the circumstances, I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling confused or not being able to fall in love with someone right away so don't beat yourself up for it. You say you thought your ex was perfect, but you see he wasn't, otherwise the relationship would not have ended, think about that.

 

Yes, it's hard to date other people when you still have clouds of a previous relationship hovering over you so do yourself a huge favor and give yourself more time to get over this. If it's the one thing that I have learned recently about breaking up is that there is no standard length of time it takes to get over someone. That's because people aren't infallable, that means they aren't perfect. You may still have feelings for your ex and have tried to suppress those during this time, don't, let them out and if you feel sad, allow yourself to feel that way because it's tne only way to get over it and move on.

 

You sound like you have done a fair amount of moving on and seeing other people, whether you make the "love connection" or not is a big part of it. The fact that you are open to dating new people is a big step. It's been a year and as I have only been out of my relationship for 2 &1/2 months, I would like to see myself in your shoes a year from now.

 

It sounds like you are also maybe afraid of letting someone new into your life because of the possibility of getting hurt again and that is very normal. Just think of it this way: You have only been "free" for a year now, so try to enjoy it and go out on a date if you feel like it, if you don't then don't. Do what feels comfortable to you and I think you will be just fine.

 

Don't suppress your feelings for your ex, let them out, and you will soon see that by doing that you will be setting yourself free of this. It's not uncommon for people to close themselves off from loving someone again after the end of a relationship and again I will tell you that there is no standard length of time for you to be over someone. It has to be over when you decide it is, nobody can do that for you. The best thing you can do is to take things slow. Have fun and go on dates and I think that sooner or later you will be able to open yourself up to someone new.

 

I also think a lot of times it's more of the idea of someone that people hang onto when a relationship ends. By that I mean that maybe something around you has recently reminded you of your ex and brought with it feelings of nostalgia for you. Something may make you think of times you had together and how it used to be. The thing is, a lot of times you find that you have changed and so has the other person and it was more of the idea of them that takes you back more than anything else.

 

Try to just go with the flow and don't rush yourself into anything, trust me, I think that when you least expect it, you will find someone new, it just takes time. Be patient with yourself because you are just getting over this so give yourself a little more credit and be kind to yourself.

 

You've been through something rough and you need to expect that at times you are going to feel as if nobody out there can compare to your ex, these feelings do pass, they do so just be patient.

 

I hope that helps, take care and let us know how you are doing.

 

Marz

Since I separated with my 3-year bf a year ago, I think I've lost the ability to love someone. i think my ex was perfect, but things still didn't work out for the two of us (because he was too committed into his career and his ambition). After which, many guys have approached me and some of them treated me very well, but I can't seem to develop any kinds of feelings towards them even if I try very very hard. I really want to be in a relationship, and I am really scared of my callosity. What should I do, do I have a problem? How can i help myself?