3.5 months and nothing so far!

[symbol]

Hi everyone. I don't know if you remember my story, so here's a summary:

 

At the end of october, my boyfriend of 7.5 years broke up with me over the phone. We had been living in two different states for the last 2.5 years. We're both grad students and under constant stress. He told me that I became a very negative person due to stress and that he couldn't take it anymore. So, he broke up with me, over the phone. I was devastated and kept calling him trying to change his mind for a week. At that time, I told him that I wanted to see him one last time and he promised to visit me after thanksgiving (saying that he was to busy and wouldn't be able to make it before then). After that I stopped calling him.

 

Anyway, it's been a little more than 3.5 months now and I haven't heard anything, I mean ANYTHING from him. He hasn't called, hasn't emailed... (neither did I)

 

I really don't know what I should think and how I should feel. I mean,it is quite obvious that he has no interest whatsoever in me anymore, but I feel so bad because he has not called at all. Since we live far away from each other he has no way of knowing how I am doing. And it hurts so much to know that I spent almost 8 years with this person, and he was my first love, and my best friend, and now he doesn't even care.

 

I am doing fine I guess. My friends tell me that I am going back to "normal". Usually I don't think about him during the day and I can focus on my research, unlike the first two months of the breakup. But still, I feel very sad when I think about how long it has been. Maybe it's because I need closure, I don't know.

 

So, what do you think is going on in his mind? And also, what should I do? Or should I even do something? I know that I won't get into contact with him unless he calls or emails.

 

Thank you in advance for your replies.

 

S.

[Blue in Texas]

This must be very hard for you, Symbol. But there could be any number of reasons why he has not called. He may be being considerate enough to give you time to heal. He himself may need time to heal. You say that he has no interest in you right now. It depends on what you mean by interest; but you can be sure that he is not indifferent to the situation. No one could be after 7 years. My advice would be not to contact him. You have 3 1/2 months of NC going; you need to build on that. You have no way of knowing what he is going to do in the future. But you can't worry about the future. Work on getting to 4 months NC, and then building on that. He is not the issue right now. You are, so your energy needs to go into fixing you.

[In Sync]

I too am at the three month road of not having heard from the guy I was involved with. Complete NC. At first it was heartwrenching to realize that this person whom I was so in love with had not even inquired after me, especially since during the time my mom passed away and he was well aware of such an emotional loss in my life. So he chose to add more heartache on top of that. I have often wondered what DID happened..I mean to the point where I almost started making excuses, i.e, like maybe he became ill...and trying to figure out what he was thinking...You know what, I had to stop. I can not think what's in his head any longer. I'll maintain my end of NC because it's a way for me to recover. And perhaps that is all that we can do for ourselves...to recover from these "disappearances". We must accept for ourselves that relationship is done and not torment oursleves by all the mysteries surrounding their silence. As someone who has guided me on LS often reminds me, I don't want to know about what's happened to him. I might find out something that would compound the devastation I have moved away from. I hope you continue on with NC and day by day continue to wonder about your ex less.

[notmakingsense]

I'm there with you guys... not a word from her in about 3 months. In fact, she broke up "by default" by simply stopping communication. I finally had to write her a break-up e-mail when I had enough of her disappearance!

 

That prompted a few e-mail exchanges, but at last contact, she still wasn't saying that we were over -- she simply stopped contacting me again.

 

Its all rather mind-boggling, but a friend told me that she's probably just the type that can't bear to cause hurt/drama with a break-up discussion, so she's selfishly just moving on without officially calling it quits.

 

Sigh. It is hurtful to think that I'm not even worthy of a heartfelt goodbye.

[CaliGuy]

Might I make a suggestion? By holding on the amount of 'time' that has passed since you last communicated, the date you broke up, etc, you're still hanging on and haven't let go.

 

I realized this the other day. I stopped counting the days/weeks that have passed since things got ugly. It just doesn't matter anymore. The longer I kept dates in my mind the longer I held on to things.

 

Once you truly let go none of the time or dates matter anymore. Today and the future matters. The past is history and while we wish we could change it, it's out of our hands.

[In Sync]

Might I make a suggestion? By holding on the amount of 'time' that has passed since you last communicated, the date you broke up, etc, you're still hanging on and haven't let go.

 

I realized this the other day. I stopped counting the days/weeks that have passed since things got ugly. It just doesn't matter anymore. The longer I kept dates in my mind the longer I held on to things.

 

Once you truly let go none of the time or dates matter anymore. Today and the future matters. The past is history and while we wish we could change it, it's out of our hands.

 

I totally hear what you are saying about the amount of 'time" and making note of how long one actually is counting from when they haven't last contacted the ex's is a way off hanging on, BUT, I personally find the marking of my time as a "look how far I've come" and that is my own personal achievement which I'm proud of. When I write here I may sometime in referring to NC and the last contact may seem llike its measured as "woe is me time" yet my intention is to convey..that Ive come a long way. Sort of how like when an recovering alcoholic marks when he's last taken a drink. The start of NC was actually my recovering me...In time I aspire to not take note when this all happened and it's a blur in my memory, but I was seriously an emotional mess 3 months ago, so I'm hear to say I've come through it...I'm laughing...I'm enjoying me and my life again. 3 months. I agree I don't have to look at my past and relive it..but on reflecting on it...I see my own self growth.

[symbol]

I also see your point Caliguy and I agree with you. I haven't moved on completely, otherwise I wouldn't count the weeks and days... However, I think for one to move on completely there has to be closure. In my case, I don't think I have that yet. For all I know, he just lost his feelings towards me and didn't want to be with me anymore. But his behavior after the break up seems weird. Now, I'm thinking may be there was something else that caused the break up. Maybe someone else? But I asked him about this three times during our breakup talks and he said no. If that is true, why on earth is he not calling? He said that we were so good as friends and that he would always want to see us as friends?

 

You see, when (and if) I hear something from him about the breakup and get the closure that I need, I will move on completely and hopefully stop counting days...

[In Sync]

This is also a followup to my previous post...after reading through symbol's post, I think I understand better why I keep notice of how long I've done NC, as symbol pointed out, it's not having closure we all deserve. For those of us who's X's just stopped commununicating completely without any other word just disappeared, one is left wondering and measuring that time since you last heard from the x. Had there been a "talk" at least that would signify the end.

But disappearances leave you groping and counting...at some point the NC does bring acceptance but a sudden disapperance really leaves one with no closure and makes it that much more difficult to move on.

[CaliGuy]

I also see your point Caliguy and I agree with you. I haven't moved on completely, otherwise I wouldn't count the weeks and days... However, I think for one to move on completely there has to be closure. In my case, I don't think I have that yet. For all I know, he just lost his feelings towards me and didn't want to be with me anymore. But his behavior after the break up seems weird. Now, I'm thinking may be there was something else that caused the break up. Maybe someone else? But I asked him about this three times during our breakup talks and he said no. If that is true, why on earth is he not calling? He said that we were so good as friends and that he would always want to see us as friends?

 

You see, when (and if) I hear something from him about the breakup and get the closure that I need, I will move on completely and hopefully stop counting days...

 

I understand the need for closure, especially after 7 years. But really, 3-1/2 months of NC to me at least would be all the closure I needed.

 

You can make your own closure by writing down all the bad habits and aspects of this man and keeping them handy whenever you miss him. Know the sooner you let go completely the sooner you will find someone else who is much better for you.

[In Sync]

I understand the need for closure, especially after 7 years. But really, 3-1/2 months of NC to me at least would be all the closure I needed.

 

You can make your own closure by writing down all the bad habits and aspects of this man and keeping them handy whenever you miss him. Know the sooner you let go completely the sooner you will find someone else who is much better for you.

 

Well 3 1/2 months of NC is not enough closure if you are left with questions unanswered. Each person's story and healing is different and individual process. Plus CaliGuy, I seemed to recall over a month ago, wasn't it, that you saw your Ex, at a business meeting...After that you were able to let go, because despite everything you saw her, you came through with flying colors and you knew where you stood. That was immensely helpful towards moving on. All I am saying and I agree with symbol, is that it's not having had that last meeting or talk or seeing them creates this lack of closure, lack of knowing.. afterall these were people we invested our hearts into. Yes we should not think of them and move forward, and we are doing our best to do that, but their ability ( the ex's ) to disappear without a word took away from any closure that is for lack of a better word comforting. Human nature makes us want to comprehend the incomprehensible.

Of course in the end dwelling on them is just holding up the healing process.

[symbol]

You can make your own closure by writing down all the bad habits and aspects of this man and keeping them handy whenever you miss him. Know the sooner you let go completely the sooner you will find someone else who is much better for you.

 

It is so hard to say how I feel. That's another problem, I don't know how I feel! I don't think I miss him. I don't even know if I would take him back if he wanted to reconcile. I do not know where I stand. And this is exactly because of this looooong NC on his part.

 

In Sync is right, knowing where you stand helps a lot. To know that though, you have to face your ex somehow. On the phone or face-to-face. When someone just disappears, you don't even know what you should be feeling and/or thinking. And it is so hard to move on. I think many would agree on this: moving on is not something that you can decide to do. I mean, yes we all decide to move on but the actual moving on happens all of a sudden. You wake up one morning and feel that you left everything behind. That is something I can't do unfortunately.

 

I am quite confused myself. I hope I made myself clear and you were able to follow my reasoning.