LK's Guide to Online Dating....

[littlekitty]

Ok so there's been lots of negative comments regarding OD (Online Dating) on the site recently. I'm a big advocator of OD. It's extremely useful, and can be very successful if you do it RIGHT! So as a former OD pro, I decided to share my wisdom with you!!

 

Firstly OD dating is every bit at much work as normal dating, and so you need to put just as much effort in. I personally do not like Match.com, I would recommend Direct Dating and Faceparty.

 

The profile:

 

So let's start with the basics: your profile. Your profile is your cyber YOU. It's what you're putting out there to everyone, therefore it needs to show the real you. Write your profile up roughly before hand, and then go away, come back and read it through. Continue to alter until you are happy with it. Next, take it to several of your friends (male and female) and ask them to review it. Does it really sum you up? Is it a true reflection of you? When it is, then post it. Your profile is also your chance to say what you are looking for.

 

Don't be afraid to put comments such as: No picture - No Chat, Looking for relationship long term, Not looking for FWB etc. Be clear if you are looking for a relationship. People are afraid to state it as they won't get as many contacts! What? Well good… you won't get half of the propositions etc!!! But be aware that there'll always be that element out there. Delete, move on. Do edit and update regularly.

 

The pictures:

 

Use pictures that show the real you, the fun you! DO NOT use old photos, and if you do, state they are old. Do use at least one full body shot (RECENT). Just as you'd be disappointed if someone else's photo's didn't represent the real them, so will they, and you'll be unsuccessful. Do update your photos regularly! Take your camera on a night out with friends, or stay in, glam up and have a mate take some nice shots. Keep them updated, fresh and fun. Show your different aspects and sides with them.

 

Do not put sexy pics up, unless all you want is sex. If you want to show some body, put a fun holiday snap or sports shot. But no bras, panties etc ladies. Or if you do, don't then complain when all you get is men out for sex!!

Play the system:

 

Work out how the site ranks it search results. For example FP puts newly updated profile first. You can only update every 24 hours, but I did it at 9am every day, and was always near the top of the results. Most people don't realize this, and therefore you'll be one of a small percentage who is always top of the clicks. You don't need to do a full edit… change a ! to a !?!. In a year I received 50,000 visits to my profile (damn I wish it was pay per click!). Be proactive. Put some blimin effort in!! Work out how to best advertise your product - YOU!!

 

Take your time:

 

Nothing comes quickly. And in life, and normal dating, we all have to work through some bad eggs to reach the good stuff eh? OD is no different. It took me a year of dating on and off to meet my perfect partner. There's no reason to expect OD to be any faster than real life, but you DO have a larger selection and the chance to be more selective before meeting.

 

The messages:

 

I suggest swapping messages for up to 2-3 weeks. These should be regular, and are your chance to weed out the rubbish. I would then advocate several phone calls, followed by a meeting. Don't waste more than 3-4 weeks before meeting. But don't just reply with a phone number and meet the next day. If you do that, you take away your chance to find out who they are before you meet.

 

Ask insightful questions! There are so many questions that (I believe) can tell you things about someone. For example: What do you do for a living (NOT how much do you earn!)? This allows you to find out what kind of person they are, a job can say a lot about someone, and if it doesn't they're likely to tell you that. Are they doing something they've worked towards all their life? Or something they fell into? All these things can speak volumes if you think about it. I always asked about family, as I think that tells a lot about someone. Ask the questions that help you work out if this seems like someone you would want to date. Easy huh?!! By the way, you can be talking to more than 1 person at time, so no need to limit yourself! Ask for more photos, recent ones! Can they send you more than the 1 they have on their profile? No? Worrying…! You see?

 

It's up to you to research this person you're talking to…! Put the effort in and you CAN reap the results. A genuine person can send you pictures of themselves, recent, old whatever, but they can send you more and will be happy to do so. Every person who ever said, "I don't have a picture, but I'll send you one if you like", turned out to be an ugly f***er. If they weren't they'd have a picture up wouldn't they!!

 

LDR's:

 

I don't advocate using OD for getting into Internet LDR's without even meeting. That is NOT OD. That is cyber love, and it's usually fake.

 

OD is for meeting people in YOUR area, who aren't necessarily going to the same places you are, at the same time. It's not for IM-ing a man 3 states away for 6 weeks, without meeting, thinking its love. Use it to meet people locally, or a little further out (but do-able), but people that you just wouldn't meet otherwise!

 

Last of all… have fun and take it all with a pinch of salt. OD can be a great ego boost, a good way to make new friends, and possibly meet new partners through them etc. There are so many good things you can get from it, but you have to be positive and enjoy it!

[ThatOneGuy]

Very informative, nice job kitty.

[barfool]

Great post, littlekitty. I don't understand why people label those who do OD in such a bad way. Yes, there are some losers and nut-jobs online, but there are plenty more out in the real world (especially at bars or clubs).

 

Excellent point about keeping it in your area. I have never talked to anyone outside of my city and am not interested in traveling to meet someone with whom I could possibly have no chemistry.

[alphamale]

yeah, LILKITTY, and you forgot to add that its preferrable to be female cause they have a great advantage in the OD world

[littlekitty]

Thanks barfool!

 

AlphaFemale, I couldn't agree more! Women certainly have the advantage!!

[dgiirl]

nice job lk

[littlekitty]

Thanks dgirl!

 

I just think it's sooo great, it's a shame it gets slammed so much simply because people don't always use it in the right way!

[Admiral Thrawn]

I've read a report from John Alanis about online dating - written for men, that includes these tips:

 

1) PHOTO - Have a photo - have 6 photos:

Always smile on your photo.

a) Head-shot photo. (Tidy face, nice haircut....)

b) Body-shot. (Wear fahsionable clothes)

c) In authority position (If you are public speaking, or doing something that

are in charge of something or affiliated with someone who is important, such as a celebrity of some sort).

d) Social proof # 1 (A photo with you with a bunch of friends)

e) Social proof # 2 (A photo of you beside an attractive girl)

f) Odd shot # 1 (Any photo with you doing a hobby, in travel, or something out of the ordinary)

g) Odd-shot#2 (second photo of odd shot if there is space).

 

Purposes of odd-shots is to encourage people to ask you questions based on the picture. Purposes of social-proofs is to show you are a sociable and normal guy that attractive girls like. Purpose of authority position - is to show you are an important guy. In a sence, 2 proofs of yourself, and the other 4-5 proofs are 'social propaganda'.

 

This is probably the most important sellable element of the profile.

 

The e-report discouraged going to online sites where women are available for sex on random, or appear to be, but encourages other places with dating matches.

 

As for how to word the profile - or what to say - obviously, you will put something catchy, that will get attention, make sure your profile is on the top of the list so people will read it. Write as much about yourself as possible. Idea is people who are interested in you will want to read as much information about you as posible. People who dont care about you will just read a few words and go to the next profile.

 

Keep pictures and profile as authentic as possible to avoid dissapointments later.

[loony]

Yeah, very informative post. Even though I'm not going to try this, let me add something. I think the following tip is from some online dating guru. Take some pictures and put them up on a website where people rate other people's hotness. Then use the ones with the highest rating for your profile.

[dgiirl]

I just think it's sooo great, it's a shame it gets slammed so much simply because people don't always use it in the right way!

 

I can see some people getting frustrated with the OD. I would say about 75% of the messages I get are from people who I'd never ever talk to in real life. They're either too old for me, or too weird, and usually both. They cant hold a conversation and clearly just contacting me to hook up. That's frustrating and a little intimidating when you first get involved with it. All the other guys are anxious to talk on the phone and meet in person. You need to be able to get comfortable with the environment, talk to a few guys before you even think about meeting with anyone. I've yet to meet anyone in person yet. But I realize I have control over how fast things go, and if they dont like that, they can move to the next person. If you remain objective about it, dont get too attached too soon before meeting the person, then it could work. Especially for the locals who dont like the bar scene. I wouldnt use it for LDR. I've had a LDR, and I would highly recommend against it if you had a choice, and would definitely not recommend a match making site to do that. LDR make sense for people you meet in online communities (like this one) where there's no expectations of a relationship, and then you end up in one. And even then, i'd not recommend it. But sometimes you find the right person and it works.

[littlekitty]

Some brilliant additional advice there! Definately agree with dgirl's advice re LDR's!

[arthur200]

I love online dating.!

 

LK's advice is spot on. It's like anything in life, you get out what you put in. Spend some time putting together a really GOOD profile, an honest one that isn't out to impress, but one that puts across who you are and what your about. This is your online dating CV.

 

You WILL get a lot of junk messages but it's fairly easy to weed out the time wasters.

 

The best thing about my OD experience is the number of friends I made. If a date doesn't work out romantically, and you are careful with who you meet, then wonderful friendships can blossom. I'm still in touch with my first OD date. I even chatted to LK for a while.

[littlekitty]

In the words of Janice from Friends... "OH MY GOOOOOOOD!!"

 

I sure do remember you!! Ha, how brilliant is that! What a great recommendation, not only for FP, but for Online Dating on the whole!

 

arthur2000 (gypsy200!), I also met the love of my life on FP! We're currently in the process of moving in together! Planning on getting engaged at the end of the year and hopefully married shortly after!!

 

Congratulations to you too!!

 

*Mods, please don't delete this! I know this is meant to be anon, but no harm done by us recognising each other in cyber space!*

 

Goes to show that those of us who worked out how to work the system, got what we were looking for!!

 

FAB!!!

[Guest]

. Next, take it to several of your friends (male and female) and ask them to review it.

 

You can tell this was written by a woman. Any man that brought an online dating profile to show his friends would become the laughing stock of the pub that evening.

[littlekitty]

You can tell this was written by a woman. Any man that brought an online dating profile to show his friends would become the laughing stock of the pub that evening.

 

Then you really don't have any good friends do you?!! I know of several males who were internet dating and weren't getting any stick from their mates. And no, not one was a sissy!!!

[Alexandra]

Great post with much useful advice.

 

I don't agree with a few points but on the whole it made for great reading.

 

From the ones I disagree on, most are small points so as long as we all agree it's different strokes for different folks there's no point in going into them.

 

I do however see the following points as inacurate...

 

"I don't advocate using OD for getting into Internet LDR's without even meeting. That is NOT OD. That is cyber love, and it's usually fake."

 

Having had a few LDR relationships that have commenced online myself and having witnessed and adviced hundreds of other couples in the same situation I'd say that's definitely too strong of a sentence.

 

The example I think is most endearing (although I'd be rich if I had a penny for every such situation I know of) is that of a lady, in her 40s whom was my client and thankfully my friend as well and whom not only met her Mr.Right on a dating site but carried on with an LDR relationship internet and phone based only from '99 till they met in late '03. It hasn't been easy for them, and I admit at some point I was strongly doubting it would develop but it did. They had a beautiful ceremony in Jan '04 and are now living together not in her country, not in his, but in the middle.

 

Needless to say I disagree with the obsession for her/him being local. I don't believe the internet is, as the article put it, a method of meeting the people one happens not to meet in their local bar.

 

Far from it actually, I think it's much rather a place for open minded, intelligent, highly intellectual and emotional individuals to get a chance of meeting and getting to know someone on different basis than the colour of their outfit that evening.

 

The level of intimacy and knowledge a couple can attain online in conversations before meeting to see if there is chemistry (there, I'm not absurd, I fully hope everyone knows the meeting needs to come sooner or latter;)) is in no way comparable with the result of shouting at each other to cover the music or of changing ideas about the movie on the ride home.

[oceanlove_gx]

Great post with much useful advice.

 

I don't agree with a few points but on the whole it made for great reading.

 

From the ones I disagree on, most are small points so as long as we all agree it's different strokes for different folks there's no point in going into them.

 

I do however see the following points as inacurate...

 

"I don't advocate using OD for getting into Internet LDR's without even meeting. That is NOT OD. That is cyber love, and it's usually fake."

 

Having had a few LDR relationships that have commenced online myself and having witnessed and adviced hundreds of other couples in the same situation I'd say that's definitely too strong of a sentence.

 

The example I think is most endearing (although I'd be rich if I had a penny for every such situation I know of) is that of a lady, in her 40s whom was my client and thankfully my friend as well and whom not only met her Mr.Right on a dating site but carried on with an LDR relationship internet and phone based only from '99 till they met in late '03. It hasn't been easy for them, and I admit at some point I was strongly doubting it would develop but it did. They had a beautiful ceremony in Jan '04 and are now living together not in her country, not in his, but in the middle.

 

Needless to say I disagree with the obsession for her/him being local. I don't believe the internet is, as the article put it, a method of meeting the people one happens not to meet in their local bar.

 

Far from it actually, I think it's much rather a place for open minded, intelligent, highly intellectual and emotional individuals to get a chance of meeting and getting to know someone on different basis than the colour of their outfit that evening.

 

The level of intimacy and knowledge a couple can attain online in conversations before meeting to see if there is chemistry (there, I'm not absurd, I fully hope everyone knows the meeting needs to come sooner or latter;)) is in no way comparable with the result of shouting at each other to cover the music or of changing ideas about the movie on the ride home.

 

 

 

strongly agree that the internet is a place for the intimate and knowledgeble couples to meet, while it's just to meet and know each other, no up to a level to see each other if the time and money can not afford.

But as long as a serious relationship, don't find Mr or Mrs right in the pub, that won't work.

[Alexandra]

Thanks, glad to hear some people agree, for some reason it's less common that those who do share this opinion would speak up.

 

Strike that, not "for some reason" but because meeting people online still has a stigmat tag to it, thankfully it's fading but it will still take a while...

[oceanlove_gx]

Thanks, glad to hear some people agree, for some reason it's less common that those who do share this opinion would speak up.

 

Strike that, not "for some reason" but because meeting people online still has a stigmat tag to it, thankfully it's fading but it will still take a while...

 

 

Well, for quit a well i am underneath while just now i spoke up to agree:rolleyes:

However, since u can't just go to pubs or parties to find a compaion if u are looking for a soulmate, and if u don't have time and environment to know the opposite sex , get aquainted, they best way is to find it on the net, not that match makers or what, the forums will do.

I do know some people, even in loveshack they find their love in the other side of the world and complaining if given a chance again, i won't like a LDR.

The question is:"Why they start that LDR?" Cuze they can't find a soul mate in real world:rolleyes:

[littlekitty]

Alexandra makes some great points, and clearly has experience of LDR's which have worked.

 

Unfortunately I hold on to my views. I've seen too many people on LS complaining about cyber love lifes. How much they love someone they have never even met?! That to me is weird. But that is just my opinion.

 

To me an LDR is something that happens when a relationship has started, but for some reason or another life takes one of you away, be it on work etc. Then you have to work around it. Or at least that you meet first and then deal with the distance.

 

I had a relationship where distance was an issue. I personally found it made the whole relationship far more difficult.

 

But I just find it hard to have faith in a relationship where two people haven't ever met and hold down a 'cyber' realationship for years. It can't work out for the majority.

 

But hey... it's good to get different opinions!!

[dancehead]

Just read the guide, its full of very good advice. One thing though about pictures. You assume that if they don't have a picture on the profile then they all must be ugly. While I'm not denying that this happens, what about the people who really don't have any pictures on their computer?

 

What about the people who won't put a picture online in case somebody from the office sees it. I know I would be embarassed if somebody from work saw my dating profile¬! Maybe thats wrong but thats how I feel.

[littlekitty]

Just read the guide, its full of very good advice. One thing though about pictures. You assume that if they don't have a picture on the profile then they all must be ugly. While I'm not denying that this happens, what about the people who really don't have any pictures on their computer?

 

What about the people who won't put a picture online in case somebody from the office sees it. I know I would be embarassed if somebody from work saw my dating profile¬! Maybe thats wrong but thats how I feel.

 

You actually make a good point! There are, no doubt, some genuine people who as you say either can't, or don't want, to put pictures online.

 

However, the vast majority of people in this day and age, can find a way to get a picture on to their pc. Be it scan, from a friend, or whatever.

 

I was never embarassed to be online dating, so that angle didn't worry me.

 

I agree I made a blanket statement, but IME that was generally the case. 99% of the people who I did speak to without a picture who eventually managed to get one to me, weren't to my taste and tended to have over egged thier looks when describing themselves!! After all, everyone thinks their good looking don't they!!

[dancehead]

I don't know, some peoples self image is incorrect, you might be better than you think you are. But to be confident about yourself you must at least try and think you are alright looking. And everybody on OD has to sell themselves.

 

I did cave in and put a picture online for a short time, but it was one that didn't look so much like me in normal life.... so work people wouldn't recognise me! Of course I sent a range of more ordinary ones to people later privately.

[Carlthecoffeeaddict]

im online.......i have my profile up.......and trust me it is AWESOME. yes i have met some weird girls.......girls from Russia who want me to sponsor them for their visa, but I HAVE met a very beautiful interesting woman who im definitely interested in. So if you think guys are the laughingstock then why are you alone on a friday night while im on a hot date ! haha bwahhhah lol

[movinon05]

I've been on and off dating sites for a couple of years. It becomes a chore after awhile and then I'll pick it up at some later time.

 

I get a lot of e-mails from guys. I usually start out very friendly, avoid the ones who throw their phone numbers at me or at least tell them where I stand with that. If after a number of e-mails, I'm not really interested in pursuing it anymore, what's the best way to say that, given we've been e-mailing and sharing stuff. I try to be as honest as possible, but I don't think I need to disclose that they are not interesting me anymore, or I think they're kind of weird, or I am pursuing someone else. I don't like to be ignorant and just ignore them. I like to be respectful enough to tell them I don't want to pursue it without hurting their feelings too much.

 

So any advice here?