Break NC on Valentine's Day?

[Art_Critic]

Ariadne,

 

This is self defeating behavior.. You need to stop contacting him and pull yourself up and move on wioth your life

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Thanks.

 

But how can I? I'm out of control.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Ok guys,

 

You say that it's important to do things, like, go to the gym, play soccer, plant potatoes, paint the house, do "projects".... whatever.

 

Well, I noticed that I'm like a child or a dog when it comes to that. I just can't do it.

 

See, when babies are clean, and they are not hungry, and the house is nice and neat, and they feel safe... "then" they go and start building a house with the wooden blocks. Otherwise, they just... cry.

 

When a dog is hungry and sad, he won't go running around playing in the yard, he'll just curl up in a corner and stay there. If you want to have a happy dog running in the park, you have to make him happy first, and then he'll run.

 

So, there you go. I can't move. How can I do projects!? What projects? I haven't worked in months... How am I going to go to interviews now? I'm a mess.

 

Ok, so get up and go to the gym... I don't feel like it. I just want to stare at the roof.

 

I've tried Reiki, but that was when I visited my parents. Now back in LA I was looking for that and they charge about 60 dollars an hour. The only place I found a free one was for terminally ill patients. Sigh.... yeah, the world is cruel and scary....

 

So, I'm confused and numb.

 

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

Ariadne

 

Ps: Ok, maybe I should just drive to Mexico and get some medicines... What else now.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

And about the guy.

 

I heard from him a couple days ago, when he sent me an email in the "good old days" format. He probably read the part where I said I was tossed aside and said:

 

Hi, hope you're feeling better this evening. It's been a long day out here, mostly working on the servers down in the basement, with a few hours spent with the director and a few other people who want to shoot part of a trailer out here...

 

Ok, ok, so I miss the good old times emails. But then I feel like crap. Either I write him back in that format or none.

 

I talked to my mom on the phone also and read that to her, she said:

 

What bs! What bs! Well, if that fulfills you... that is going to be a big incentive for you to do bigger and better things...

 

Sigh... (she's had it with this story)

 

Then he was nice and said:

 

I just read through the thread on Loveshack; you are much better than you give yourself credit for. You ought to be able to look in the mirror and see that for yourself. If you're going to make a mantra for yourself (or a few), it should be about how good you are and how much happiness and success you deserve--'cause you do, and you shouldn't let yourself forget that.

 

So I just answered him this part of the email. But, then I emailed him today again asking him what mantra should I say to forget him.... now I'm just sounding deluded, and he hasn't replied.

 

So that's about it,

 

Ariadne

 

 

 

Now, if I could just get these servers to behave. Fortunately, it's a new equipment that I'm experimenting with, not machines that are actually...

[Ariadne]

Hi all,

 

I've noticed that the silliest things irritate me .

 

I went to shop at Rite Aid... I remember the last time that I was there, there were all these pretty nicely trimmed trees, winter style.

 

Well, as I drive into the parking lot I see that all the trees have new fresh green tender sprouts. Damn!

 

I get upset at tree sprouts; the sign of Spring coming. I know now how I'm going to feel in the impending warm days.

 

I get upset at changes in weather too. I watch a web cam in Denver regularly, and every time I see that it's snowing in Denver I get mad.

 

If the trees' leaves change color in the fall I get mad. If it rains I get mad. Anything that is beautiful and ephemeral makes me mad, and anything that signals the passing of time makes me mad.

 

Ariadne

[jerbear]

Ariadne

 

This is destructive behavior. You might want to delete his contact information and when he communicates with you.

 

The weather changes is a seasonal depression. I forgot the name; there is a depression that affects some people when the weather changes. Most noticable around winter when it is snowing.

 

You might want to visit a doctor, psychologist mainly, to get diagnosed. It is not easy to hear and deal.

[Ariadne]

Hi again,

 

Thanks

 

You might want to delete his contact information and when he communicates with you.

 

But I want to communicate with him!

 

That's the only happiness that I get, when I hear from him.

 

Even if he tells me.. whatever.

 

And I don't have medical insurance, maybe I'll go to Mexico and get something there, who knows, maybe a doctor can see me,

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

He wrote :

 

Hi--I've been off meeting with Dwight all day... You should have gone with me to visit Dwight--then you could have spent more than twelve hours straight hearing about how incredible he is and by the end of the evening you'd barely even remember me any more, since I am most certainly not the smartest, most talented, most amazing person in the history of the universe.

 

Awww... Isn't he the cutest thing ever?!

 

Ariadne

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[serial muse]

But I want to communicate with him!

 

That's the only happiness that I get, when I hear from him.

 

Even if he tells me.. whatever.

 

Ariadne,

 

It's amazing how much power our thoughts have over our emotions. The problem is, you've forgotten - or relinquished - your own power.

 

You should stop thinking of communication with him as a source of happiness. It isn't. It's a fix. You are addicted to this man, and you can, and should, break the addiction, for your own health. But the first step is to realize that it isn't good for you, isn't actually making you "happy" - it's a temporary rush, that leaves a bigger withdrawal in its wake.

 

You need to reclaim your own power, and that means you have to find a way to stop feeding your energy into him, and instead feed it into yourself.

 

Outcast is a big proponent of Albert Ellis' books. I've read him too, and now so am I. Consider exploring them, please - I think they may be helpful to you to see your situation in a different light. Right now, you're stubbornly seeing it one way - that this man has the power to make you happy. But he doesn't - only you do. And that's not a bad thing, it's a good thing.

[Ariadne]

Hi you,

 

This is one of the best posts to me so far...

 

The problem is, you've forgotten - or relinquished - your own power.

 

Yeah, I'm like.. powerless.

 

You are addicted to this man, and you can, and should, break the addiction, for your own health.

 

True. I know that. But I've tried to break that addiction for over a year now . After I came back from Denver the first time we didn't talk for 20 days. Every time we stop talking, we seem to go back to talking again (and it's always me that breaks NC).

 

Maybe if I harass him then he'll go away. But I've tried every strategy.

 

One time I even tried the stupid email technique. I'd answer him with something stupid, since I couldn't stop... talking. So I'd still get an email from him. He didn't buy it though; It amused him instead.

 

It isn't good for you, isn't actually making you "happy" - it's a temporary rush

 

Yeah, that makes sense. But I feel so depressed if I don't hear from him though. Like Osho says: When you love a person all fear disappears. And when you are afraid all love disappears.

 

You need to reclaim your own power, and that means you have to find a way to stop feeding your energy into him, and instead feed it into yourself.

 

I don't know how to do that though.

 

Albert Ellis' books... Consider exploring them, please - I think they may be helpful to you to see

 

I've read so many self-help books by now... sigh... Ok, I'll look into those.

 

Thanks so much!!!

 

Ariadne

[serial muse]

Hi again ,

 

I've read so many self-help books by now... sigh... Ok, I'll look into those.

 

They're not really "self-help" in the faddish sense. They're more psychotherapy-based. Albert Ellis is one of the fathers of cognitive behavioral therapy, which has been shown to be particularly effective for depression, OCD, and other such illnesses. This theory essentially helps you learn how to modify your underlying messages to yourself, such as this sort of thing:

 

Yeah, I'm like.. powerless.

 

and thereby prevent you from becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

What's difficult to see, when you feel so overwhelmed, is that you do have the ability to stop this cycle. But right now, you think you need it - whether it's for the drama, the excitement, the buzz that you think it gives you.

 

And, Ariadne, I'm sure you know this already, but he is NOT the one that needs to go away, or cut off contact. That is your job, and though you say you've tried, I'm certain that in the back of your mind you've convinced yourself that that isn't really the right thing to do. Perhaps you are holding out hope? Perhaps you just feel too dependent? Regardless, you are choosing not to let go, emotionally. Once you stop telling yourself that letting go is bad, that in fact it might be the answer (though there is indeed going to be a period of withdrawal, at first) - then I know you'll find your way through. Look at all the strength you have - you've been keeping this alive all this time! It's not that you're powerless, it's that you need to redirect.

 

The most important thing, though, is this: he isn't creating this buzz. You are. And that means he's irrelevant to the equation. You can summon that energy again, with someone else, if you so choose. You can squash it, you can feed it, you can do whatever you want with it. That energy is your power, not his.

[Ariadne]

Hey!

 

Great post, thanks again!

 

Albert Ellis is one of the fathers of cognitive behavioral therapy, which has been shown to be particularly effective for depression, OCD...

 

You know, I went to a therapist before I got fired to try and control all these obsessive behaviors. I insisted for him to give me cognitive therapy, because I'm pretty reasonable believe it or not.

 

But he told me that I had to take Prozac. He didn't think that he could help me. I told him no, and he refused to treat me. So imagine what would good would it do for "me" to read those books... sigh...

 

What's difficult to see, when you feel so overwhelmed

 

I do actually. I'm thinking of going to live with my parents .

 

he is NOT the one that needs to go away, or cut off contact. That is your job

 

I can't do it. I'm obsessed. I've been obesessed before, and the only way to cut contact was to harass those guys to the point that they'd ignore me.

 

But this guy has a high harassment tolerance point. I think he likes the attention. On the other hand, I'm going to do everything I can not to let him ignore me.

 

in the back of your mind you've convinced yourself that that isn't really the right thing to do. Perhaps you are holding out hope?

 

Oh, you bet I'm holding out hope.. I think he loves me !

 

He tells me "no" but he is not convincing to me. He says, "No. I'm done with that sort of stuff." Not, "No, I don't like you at all." I ask him to straighten me out but he is too much of a gentleman to do that.

 

Regardless, you are choosing not to let go, emotionally.

 

Yep, he is my soulmate.

 

Look at all the strength you have - you've been keeping this alive all this time!

 

Hahhahha

 

You can summon that energy again, with someone else, if you so choose.

 

I wish I liked someone else though. That would be another way to stop it.

 

Hey thanks, appreciate you trying to help me here,

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Ok,

 

This is awful.

 

I sent him two emails asking him for help and he disregarded them and my feelings altogether.

 

He has never done this before. He'd ignore emails where I'd tell him to meet or something along those lines, but never an email where I asked him for help.

 

And the worst thing of all is that he broke my trust and I can never trust him again.

 

It's like, say, you are at the airport stranded with no money, and you call your best friend for help and she hangs up on you.

 

Ok, fine. But then you get this eerie feeing of knowing that that is "not" your best friend.

 

Of course it's different if your friend says, oh no, I don't have a car, I lent it to my mother and she won't be back till late, whatever. You'll understand.

 

But this is different.

 

It's a betrayal thing, it's a let down thing. It's the wost thing of all.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi guys,

 

Ironically enough, I've been talking to his ex girfriend .

 

Cute thing, I can see why he liked her.

 

She said to me yesterday:

 

Well, I think you're a hopeless romantic, personally. You've gotten yourself fixated on one guy, who isn't returning your love, which is sad, but not uncommon. (shrug)

 

It doesn't sound like he does want you to go away completely, from the little of his words I've read. It sounds to me like he likes you, and would like to be friends with you, but that he's been pretty clear that there'll never be romance between the two of you.

 

I trust her opinion because she knows him well,

 

Ariadne

 

Ps: I just don't believe her, that's all .

[Ariadne]

Hi guys,

 

It's terrible when things get to this point.

 

He writes:

 

Whatever works for you. Sometimes I'm gone, asleep, or working on things. Got meetings today and I've got a bunch of stuff to get done first.

 

So I'm a joke.

 

Well, I suppose it'll be easier to do the NC thing now after all,

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[Ariadne]

Noooooooo.......

 

It's shaping up to be an exciting morning out here. I'm trying to get things ready for meetings today and I find out that Mark didn't get around to depositing any of the student fees for the dojo this month...so the account was at $7 when the rent check went through. What fun. Gotta get back to tracking it all down and making sure everything gets paid for, one way or another. Whee

 

(What am I going to do)

 

(Now I think he is kind of crazy like I am)

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Well,

 

For those of you that have been following this thread, I heard from him this morning:

 

It's true, I don't want to hurt you. It's also true that I'm not in love with you.

 

 

Ack.

 

So... I'll have to pick up all the pieces now ,

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[Ariadne]

Hi you guys,

 

Well, I've been talking and talking to the guy... sigh...

 

At this point I don't know "what" is going to take for me to stop talking to him.

 

I was thinking that he could come to LA, set my apt on fire, and I'd still talk to him .

 

Here's a portion of the last I heard from him:

 

I tell you that you're great and sweet and all sorts of nice things and I mean all of that, too. I don't sit here and think you're annoying or bothering me or anything like that because you're not. I worry about being annoying and being a problem myself.

 

So I'll be darned,

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Ok you guys,

 

This sucks!

 

Since I've been writing with him, what I did was to give him a "list" of the things that you feel when you are with your soulmate, and asked him to tell me if he felt any of those things with me.

 

(Since I felt almost "every one" of the things in that list with him... without a doubt ).

 

Well, look at what he said:

 

As far as things with you go, no, I don't feel most of those about you. You're a great person and I do enjoy your company, but I don't have that kind of attraction and I don't feel that kind of connection. When I go through the list with my own feelings in mind, it looks like this:

• There is a powerful, instantaneous feeling that you have known the other before.
  
• You felt an immediate and deep connection for one another.
  
• There is an electrifying feeling between the two of you that words cannot describe.
  
• The relationship is immediate, as though no time had been lost since you were last together.
  
• It feels as though you had never really lived before the reunion occurred.
  
• You feel a deep sense of sacredness and unity with God that you've have never known before.
  
• It brings on feelings you never thought possible.
  
• The two of you are inseparable.
  
• When you look into each other's eyes, time and space have no meaning.
  
• There are no barriers between the two of you. The relationship is a totally open one.
  
• Your conversations seem to go on forever.
  
• The two of you have a strong urge to serve humanity in a deep and meaningful way.
  
• You give to the other and never think of receiving in return.
  
• There is a special sacredness to your relationship that transcends anything you've ever experienced before.
  
• You still have karma with your twin from previous lives, but the two of you resolve it all with total forgiveness and unconditional love.
  
• Neither one of you are dependent on the other for your sense of self.
  
• There is a strong sense of unlimited ness eternity to your feelings.
  
• Your feelings for each other are very spiritual.
  
• There are no restrictions within the relationship. All is freedom without the need for ownership or control.
  
• The two of you know without doubt that you have been brought together for a reason.
  
• You do not compete with one another nor do you pretend to be other than who you are.
  
• In spite of your sameness, there is no doubt you feel a sense of completion through the other.
  
• Trust, patience and acceptance of each other's weaknesses happen automatically.
  
• There is a great sense of purpose and meaning to the relationship.
  
• Your sexuality with one another is a sacred act that celebrates the unconditional love you have for one another.
  
• The two of you become more and more one, without losing your individual identities.
  
• When you look into the other's eyes, you see yourself.
  
• You experience a sense of completeness that is without comparison.
  
• The degree of intimacy and friendship the two of you develop is without parallel.
  
• You recognize that the two of you are God mates.

But those are things I could say about a lot of people. (And I know I haven't given you much, but it's still true that what little I have was done with no thought or expectation of return.) And, of course, there's several of those things I haven't ever felt under any circumstances.

 

-------------

 

Ok, I'm still kind of shaky about this, since I just got this email. So I don't think I have reacted to it yet...

 

Isn't this just evil?! To have someone feel all of those things... alone?

 

Oh, what am I going to do now?

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[Art_Critic]

He keeps telling you over and over that he doesn't love you.. you are not listening..

I'm suggesting that you seek therapy at this point..

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

He keeps telling you over and over that he doesn't love you.. you are not listening..

 

Well, this has been my way of killing hope. To ask him those questions.

 

That to me has been the hardest part.

 

I can't seem to be able to do the NC thing, I go nuts.

 

So instead of chatting about our day (and getting more infatuated), I've been asking him those things...

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[riobikini]

Adriadne,

 

Art_Critic is right: you are definitely not seeing what the world sees when they look at this.

 

It's time to start pulling your head out of your proverbial arse.

 

And I say this all with sincerity, concern for you, and kindness.

 

Truly.

 

-Rio

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Thanks...

 

Well, I didn't know that he didn't like me "that much."

 

Since he seemed interested in talking and all...

 

Oh, this is so awful.

 

Why do things have to be this darn hard? Why?!

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[riobikini]

Adriadne: " Why do things have to be this darn hard? Why?!"

 

Best Answer: To cause you to proceed much smarter with future relationships. It is life's 'cheque and balance system'.

 

-Rio

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

So I thanked him for helping me and being supportive with all this, since I know that I've been such a drag asking him the same thing over and over again...

 

And still he'd take his time to reply. He said:

 

Wow--that sure makes me feel better. Thanks for saying that. I really don't want to hurt you and I feel bad for doing so, but I don't know how not to. And it's all so unfair because you are such a great person.

 

Well, he is such a nice guy too, I wish things were not this way and I could be with someone like him.

 

What can I do...

 

Ariadne

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