are we just "on a break?"

[keepingthefaith]

Hi, hoping to get some advice from ya'll. I posted this elsewhere, but I wanted to get your opinions as well, so forgive the length and format...

 

Here's the skinny:

-Met an amazing man on an online dating site. We had two great dates, then I didn't hear from him for two weeks. I sent him an email, saying nice to meet you, had fun, but I guess there won't be a third date? He promptly replied, saying he'd like to see me again, he had fun too.

-We started dating, which turned passionately intimate, which turned exclusive (his move), which turned into a serious relationship (also very much his move), which led to us behaving like a married couple (shopping for clothes and groceries and such.. again, his move) which turned into me practically living with him (his invite, again!). My cats too. He loves them. Every day I'd be more and more thrilled with him and our relationship. We were truly, shockingly happy!

-After about two months, we had one awkward conversation late at night, due to my insecurity about telling him I thought I was in love with him. This was prompted by a terribly romantic day/eve in the city, during which he said he wanted to go on vacation with me.

-A week goes by, and all is well. He's stressed out from work, and even mentions wanting to work "24 hours a day." But he invites me over one evening to watch tv and such, and he also takes me out to a schmancy dinner on Saturday for our official 2 month anniversary. He even toasts it. We have an amazing night, an amazing morning, and a great breakfast together. Then he works, I work, it's all good.

-Monday I don't hear from him.

-Tuesday he asks to meet me for coffee, which we sometimes do during our workdays. At the Starbucks he waits for me to settle in with my latte and then says "I'm not sure I want to do this anymore." I'm so shocked I can't deal. I'm just flabbergasted. So he says that it's because of that one conversation and my insecurity with us and with myself (lack of confidence). He says he's convinced that he knows how this will go and that I won't be happy. There's more, but I'll save it. We leave it with him saying, "Let's just let things settle for a few days."

-So NC for five days. Half of my stuff is still at his place. He hasn't said a word about that. Then, I couldn't help it, I saw that he was on the dating site we met on. So I sent him a really funny message listing all the criteria he said he was looking for in an ideal match and how I fulfilled it, very confident, I'm fabulous, etc. Asked him if he wanted to play poker sometime (he taught me how) and he still has my poker set! He replies immediately with "Are you trying to pick me up?" which all my friends say is clearly flirtatious. I replied wittlily and succinctly, and ended with "why? is it working?" Since then, not a peep. It's been 7 days now since the fateful coffee talk.

Sorry so long-winded. This is the short version! Whaddaya think?!

 

Oh, and also, he had broken up with someone 6 months before meeting me. They lived together in the apartment he lives alone in now.

AND he also requested at the beginning of our relationship that I not talk about my exes. He was also very tight-lipped about his past. I respected that, and didn't reveal or press. Things developed, and then he started to reveal things about his past. He also started to ask me, even press me, for info about my exes and past. So I hesitantly obliged, in the moment. Then, at teh fateful coffee, he says I was inconsiderate of his wish that I not talk about my exes, I didn't take it seriously. He admitted, after I protested, that he was taking that out of context and it might not be totally fair.

ARGH! We have amazing chemistry, make each other laugh, teach each other things... we were pretty nauseating up until this wrench was thrown. What's his deal? What is he thinking is going on right now? He seemed pretty sure that we should break up, but it was totally out of the blue, and then he said let's settle for a few days and kissed me. Had to go back to work. Help.

 

New and not so good developments! He called me Wed. night. At first, we both were just happy to be speaking again... mind you, it had only been 7 days of NC, and we flirted online once after 5. The conversation is light - both inquiring after each other's jobs, etc. In a nutshell, we talk for about an hour and a half about what's going on with us. He is still convinced we should not "be boyfriend and girlfriend" anymore. He says he misses me, misses talking to me, misses hanging out with me, etc. He says he won't take anything away from the amazing, happy, etc. 2 months we had as a couple. Every aspect of the relationship was perfect, for both of us. It was headed in a great direction. BUT It all comes down to that one night I was insecure and we had an uncomfortable, lengthy conversation, spurred on by me confessing I thought I was falling in love with him. He says it wasn't that I said that, that was great, but that he actually felt "threatened" at some point to say it back. Which, in all honesty, must be taken out of context, misunderstood, misinterpreted, irrational, something like that because I wouldn't have ever done that. I even said to him "I was much too self-involved that night to be concerned about what you were saying!!" or something like that. He thought that was hilarious. Mind you, we're laughing a lot for a break-up talk. I crack him up. Then he says he's convinced he won't be able to give me the "peace of mind, reassurance and comforting" I want. I press him to explain, I don't understand. He admits he can't explain it well, he's being vague, he doesn't have concrete examples for me, but he knows what he means in HIS head. I even took a "poor you" tone at one point, telling him God forbid whoever he dates next will have pms one day... and he agreed- he even said "that's probably why I'm not married yet." He seemed to shift from blaming me, to admitting he has problems/issues to work out, and that it isn't me, it's going to go badly with every girl he dates.

(He admitted once that he's not very experienced with girls/relationships, and he used to be a bit wilder- he has an old motorcycle, a bellybutton ring scar and used to have long hair??? I also saw a pic and have a hunch he used to be a lot heavier... and he's relaly into eating right and his workout now, which all may contribute here.) THEN we get onto the topic of our TERRIFIC chemistry and WONDERFUL sex life, to which he claims will be really hard to resist starting up. So I say, what's the deal here? We love each other's company, we had a great 2 months, we have amazing chemistry, we miss each other when we're apart, we're totally compatible! Why not just slow down instead of chucking it all? But he is still convinced we have to not be a couple. BUT he says he wants to continue hanging out. I say, bring all my stuff from your place over. He suggests staying a while, to watch our fave tv show. At the end of the phone conversation, btw, he says with an endearing tone, "you're a character." argh!

So he comes over. It's weird. he brings all my stuff. I give him a present I had been saving for Valentine's Day. He's very appreciative, says he'll get me something, he wants to get me a gift. Huh?! He suggests, during commercials, things we should do together. Again, huh?! He looks for my cats, who love him and he loves. We sit on the couch, cats between us, watching our fave show and commenting on it as we watch... DO PEOPLE WHO HAVE JUST BROKEN UP DO THIS? EVER?! In general, it's a nice time, but so sad at teh same time. It's just so wrong for us to be apart. Then, when he finally goes, he seems reluctant. If I had pushed it, I'm convinced he would have stayed the night. But I didn't. We hugged and kissed goodbye!! I know I'm leaving out some stuff, but I'm getting carpal tunnel. Help, advice, what's your take? Is it truly done, or does he just need to not be pressured by labels right now? Or has he written me off for one night of insecurity? We left it deciding to "hang out" now.

 

Hey ya'll... new developments! Just when I thought I'd have to sit tight for what would feel like FOREVER....

Last Wednesday was when we had the lengthy, let's just hang out, not be a couple, talk. He came over, we watched tv, etc. (See my previous posts for the rundown.) Thursday I emailed him, saying I still think he's being crazy, but I'd rather spend time together than not, so let me know. That was key, throwing the ball back in his court. It's up to him when we "hang out" next. I also told him that if I go away for spring break (if it's not with him, hee hee) I'd love for him to take care of my cats (he loves them, they love him). Today, out of the freaking blue, he emails me. "Wow! You'd trust me to take care of your cats? Sure, that'd be really fun" and so forth. Then he asks me to come over this Wednesday night, to watch OUR fave program on tv, and have some sushi. Basically, that's what we'd do together when we were dating (- me sleeping over?) I'm breezy, let the day pass by, then reply, of course I'd trust you, I'm in for Wed night. I also asked him to spot for the sushi, cause I'm broke this week, but said "I'll getcha next week, I promise."

I know it's just a little thing, but I don't feel like we're really broken up. I feel like we're just (or he's just) working out some stuff. This immediate desire to spend time with me is just so strange! Good, but strange! I think it was good that I never really broke down in front of him...anyways.

 

Well, last night was a blast! He emailed and called me to confirm in the afternoon. We were at his place. (All of this his idea, remember.) He called me later to say "come over" at about 8:30ish, and I was there until 1am. We laughed A LOT, we had dinner (he paid), we made popcorn (after a run to the store), we had one beer each, we watched lots of tv and talked all the way through... it was a really fun eve, and not at all awkward. (Oh, also, he was trying to offer me alcohol all night... a beer, wine, etc. hoping I’d need to stay the night? And he was inching closer and closer to me on the couch all night as well...) We're totally in synch, and should be a couple, considering the only dept. (romantic/physical) missing we both know we're totally compatible and extremely happy with... I sensed I could have stayed the night, by his goodbye ("are you SURE you'll make it home okay?" which he had no reason to stress because I live 2 min away and we only had one beer hours before) but I didn't. I was strong, and we made plans for another "date" next week, if not sooner. What's the next step? Do you you think there's a chance of salvaging what we had, and he'll come around eventually? I'm determined to let it be his move/decision. But I do have faith in this relationship. I feel like we're just working through some sort of phase. In the meantime, any advice, prophecies to offer??? The 21st would have been our 3 month mark.

 

[notmakingsense]

Its hard to tell what might be going on with him. He may be a commitment phobic person or maybe just a little freaked about how quickly you two progressed. I think his concerns about your personality were just an excuse.

 

Do a search on commitment phobia to see if he has the traits, but I would simply just do what you have been doing. Keep him at a bit more of a distance. Let him do the chasing. Keep the ball in his court. Even better would be if you would not put all your eggs in one basket and consider dating other people (non seriously) for a while. This will bring out his true intentions -- in a way that won't leave you guessing. Even if you aren't ready to date others -- be busy -- and put energy into having a life of your own without him.

[keepingthefaith]

Hi,

Thanks so much for your thoughts. They really help. I don't want to date anyone else, but if I did (basically just to seemingly get on with my life) should I keep it a secret from him? or should I tell him? what message will that send? I don't want him to think I'm set on us just being friends.I certainly don't want to hear about him dating other people, even though I don't think he is actively trying to... or would be successful, which he admits as well....he told me he spent last weekend watching a marathon of one of our favorite tv shows the entire weekend!?

Also, he's never ever said the word "friends" when describing us... he's only said we're just "hanging out" now. I may be nitpicking, but I thought it was interesting, and different.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

KTF: " I do have faith in this relationship."

 

Look, if you have faith in this relationship, -who am I to be negative about it?

 

Good luck.

 

And Take care.

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

Hi,

Thanks so much for your thoughts. They really help. I don't want to date anyone else, but if I did (basically just to seemingly get on with my life) should I keep it a secret from him? or should I tell him? what message will that send? I don't want him to think I'm set on us just being friends.I certainly don't want to hear about him dating other people, even though I don't think he is actively trying to... or would be successful, which he admits as well....he told me he spent last weekend watching a marathon of one of our favorite tv shows the entire weekend!?

Also, he's never ever said the word "friends" when describing us... he's only said we're just "hanging out" now. I may be nitpicking, but I thought it was interesting, and different.

 

If you still have faith in the relationship, it wouldn't make sense to start dating others yet. You'll know in your gut when it is time for you to move on. My major point is to try to distance yourself a bit so that you both can fully contemplate the situation, and so you can better guage his true intentions by keeping the ball in his court.

 

If you do decide to move on, then it would be time to implement the most common advice given here -- go into a period of no contact so that you can heal properly and get re-used to being alone. If you begin to date, he won't find out because you are in a period of no contact. If, on the other side of theh no-contact period, you become friends -- then it won't be hurtful to him or you learning of each-other's romantic endeavors.

[keepingthefaith]

BTW, I did research on commitment phobia/fear of intimacy, and he totally fits the bill. In fact, the better the relationship, the more likely the commitmentphobe will freak out and run away from it. How logical!