I'm angry

[fooled]

Instead of spreading this over lots of threads (which I started doing this morning) - I figured I'd just consolidate here.

 

A letter to her - that I will not send, of course.

 

Heidi,

 

I’m angry because you pursued me relentlessly and told me you wanted me to be your boyfriend.

I’m angry because I learned you did that with others while we were still together.

I’m angry because you lied when you told me you weren’t attracted to men I later learned you screwed.

I’m angry because I can’t tell you how angry I am.

I’m angry that it makes me hurt when I see, hear or write your name – even when it isn’t you who’s being refered to.

I’m angry that you led me to believe you wanted a life with me.

I’m angry that I can’t just come over your place when I feel like it.

I’m angry that you would probably let me if I wanted and that I have to resist.

I’m angry because I can’t talk to you.

I’m angry because I’m lonely and you have several lovers vying for your attention.

I’m angry that I don’t know exactly when you began disregarding my feelings.

I’m angry that I don’t know what things you said were true and which weren’t.

I’m angry you never tried.

I’m angry I liked you so much in the beginning – or was so excited that someone attractive and interesting wanted to spend time with me that I ignored warning signs.

I’m angry it took 5 years to find someone so easy to be around – and I’m afraid it may be even longer until I do again.

I’m angry I fell in love with you.

I’m angry because I don’t have a crush on anyone right now.

I’m angry because I haven’t been happy for months.

I’m angry I can’t just make things right.

I’m angry when strangers in stores or on the street tell me to “smile.”

I’m angry that you are having fun and not suffering like I am.

I’m angry that I’m jealous of whoever’s in your life now.

I’m angry that when I suggested that you take some time to be single, you emphatically said you didn’t want that and were happy with our relationship.

I’m angry that I believed for so long that you loved me.

I’m angry I haven’t moved on.

I’m angry that I feel like crying right now.

I’m angry because I can never have a truly honest conversation with you.

I’m angry because I have to avoid you.

I’m angry that it hurts when I see things you would like or be interested in – or when I hear someone else talk about them.

I’m angry there are so many of those things.

I’m angry that I don’t have someone telling me that I’m sexy.

I’m angry I shared so many personal secrets and fears with you.

I’m angry that I don’t really know you at all.

I’m angry because others knew about your behavior before I did.

I’m angry I will never know how much meaning our relationship had for you.

I’m angry because I will never know how you really felt about me.

I’m angry because I still think of you.

[UT_longhorn]

ditto on all.

[cal gal]

I'm now angry with you - fooled - because you made me cry so hard when I haven't done that for months.

 

I guess I can relate to alot of your angers after being married for twenty years and now wondering how much of it was all a lie.

 

It's easier not to know and wonder though, I was the best thing he will ever have.... he told me last week he'll go to his grave being totally in love with me - right - like that is supposed to make me feel better about him being unfaithful. And like I could ever consider my self worth if I went back.

 

Now,

I gotta go work in the yard and plant some flowers so I don't ponder this too long...

 

Maybe I'll turn the music speakers on for the yard so it will help distract me further!

 

XO

[fooled]

I'm sorry, Cal Gal. I'm crying too now.

 

I'm also angry I don't have anyone to physically comfort me right now.

I'm angry because I can't share this beautiful day with her.

I'm angry that I am so crippled by my emotions.

I'm angry I can't just grab her and kiss her.

I'm angry because I want to go for a walk but don't want to cry in public.

I'm angry I have to wait for this to pass.

[Ruff Ryder]

Listen brother the pain and anger are all a process of healing. Dont fear the unknowen the anger the pain the fustration.

 

You see to me the mind is a powerful thing to have IF you know how to controll it 100% you see people are given a gift to think what they want and believe what they want. In your case you think that this happened and its a huge error or simply not what you wanted.

 

Did you ever think that tomorrow the woman of your dreams isnt going to appear right in front of you? If this happens and you were still involved with the othe girl would you notice that you might miss a great thing?

 

Maybe this happened just in time so that when you are healed and ready the right one for you comes along? There are 1000000 diffrent reasons why things in life happen and some times to understand them is far harder than accepeting them. Trust your own thoughts and belifes they wont be wrong.

 

The universe will test you and push you but thats all it is trials and tribulations. Be strong my friend I'm not forcing what I think onto you however just keep in mind that tomorrow is a nother day that you can live "circumstances dont break a MAN they reviel him"

 

Fooled you seem like a good stron indervidule find happiness, anger will come and go and the more you live the less it will hurt.

 

Keep your chin up mate all will be showen in time. "Pain is love"

[cal gal]

Stop making me cry!

 

I'm not a gal that cries easily... I am angry that someone wouldn't appreciate the wonderful life that we had and the amazing fun that always came along.

 

I haven't tried to move forward so much as to just get used to being without my other half.

Ii did call my friend after reading your post though and asked if dinner was a possibility for tonight, so we'll see when the call is returned.

 

My kids are gone this weekend and I'm tired of being happy to do nothing, I have to start moving forward, hence the call.....

 

Besides - I could stand to gain a few pounds from a nice dinner....

[Ruff Ryder]

Dinner sound wild. You see the second you find direction all is good. And lets be blunt you can go forward or well the oppsite backwards.

 

Noone wants the later of the two options. So my advise to you and to all that read this time waits for no man or woman for that matter. i have had terrible experinces that I thought I could never recover from but you do and you get stronger with every day that passes. So lets stop living and start LIVING move forward and let nothing stop you.

 

Good luck to all.

 

Much love RUFF

[cal gal]

Dinner is confirmed with my nice friend, although he is 15 years older than me - he is the nicest thing for good company,and a good family friend - so we will go, and it will be fun. That was why I called him, no wondering if I would have a nice evening.

 

I invited him and I will be happy to pay. Nice french restaurant close by.

 

Sometimes it is just fun to look forward to good company and conversation.

 

Thanks fooled for encouraging me to move forward - even if it is just getting out to enjoy a buddy.

[notmakingsense]

Its so nice having friends around to be able to spend time with. I've always been a bit of a loner -- I think it is one of the reasons it is taking me longer than I'd like to recover from my breakup...

 

I want to use my new-found period of "single-ness" to concentrate on reconnecting with old friends and developing new friendships. True friendships are something you can always count on.

 

Oh, and I feel many of the same things that fooled has written here. You guys aren't alone.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I’m angry when strangers in stores or on the street tell me to “smile.”

 

Oooooo....I hate that! Some stupid, airheaded, overly-perky bitch who works at the coffee shop (let's just call the place "GalaxyMoney") kept telling me what a wonderful day it was, and telling me that I should be smiling. She was going on about some movie, and asked me if I had any big plans this weekend for Valentine's Day. After a minute or so of this, I looked her straight in the eye and started crying. Then I said, "May I please just have my coffee?" She shut up after that.

[fooled]

I was hoping you'd show up today, Jen. I knew you were volunteering.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I was hoping you'd show up today, Jen. I knew you were volunteering.

 

That was earlier today. And the work wrapped up sooner than I would have liked. I'm deciding if I still want to go see a movie. One of my single girlfriends is trying to get me to go to some V-day party with her tonight. But I just don't have it in me to go to places where there might be lovey-dovey couples hanging out, while I get hit on by some drunk guy who only wants to get inside my skirt.

 

Did you get out at all today?

[fooled]

 

Did you get out at all today?

 

Yes - I took that walk. I went grocery shopping - I'm having a friend over later, so I'm going to cook food and watch Star Trek DVDs. She is trying to do NC with her long distance boyfriend for 3 months, but I don't think she's having much luck with it.

 

I can't imagine going to a V-Day party tonight - or any party for that matter. As much as I'd LIKE to meet new interesting people, I'm afraid all I have to offer conversationally is how fvucked up I've been feeling.

 

At the grocery store, there are rows and rows of V-Day stuff. In her window, there is a huge vase of flowers. Yes, unfortunately I can see in her place when her blinds are open. I'm not surprised. She's boinking at least 3 guys now - she was bound to get flowers from one of them.

 

I only hope her V-Day is a big-a$$ ball of stress for her juggling who she's spending the night with.

 

I'll be home watching Gilmore Girls with my buddy Andy.

[riobikini]

Dear Fooled,

 

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time.

 

You won't be the only one spending V-Day without a special romantic companion, -so am I.

 

It's my choice.

 

But I'm going to pamper myself all day long, buy my own effing flowers, and take my two young daughters to dinner.

 

At least, I'll know I'm with someone who loves me, -and someone I truly love, as well.

 

(Smile)

 

Hugs.

 

-Rio

 

P.S. I wish I could send your 'I'm Angry Because..' letter to B**, -I would love to say some of those exact same things to him.

 

In a really F*cking loud voice!

[fooled]

I don't want to hurt anymore, Rio.

 

Your V-Day plans sound healthy. The friend who is coming over went thru a much worse situation than I am going through - he moved across the country to live with her only to find out a few weeks later that she had a boyfriend and didn't have the guts to tell him beforehand.

 

He survived, but he hasn't been in a relationship since then - 5 years ago. That scares me.

 

The friend who was coming over tonight just bailed. I've got 2 filet mignons and a bunch of vegetables and a whole night of no company now. A$$.

[CaliGuy]

Fooled, it's OK to be angry.

 

Hell, *I'm* angry at her and I don't even know her.

 

This is all part of the healing process. Remember, once you truly let go the pain will ease tremendously.

[Lonestar]

I'm angry now after reading that. I've had a rough couple days myself, fooled. I know what you're feeling.

[fooled]

I was so affected by rage this morning. And that was just a partial list. There are specific events that occured that have stirred up anger like I've never felt before. But I had to get it out since I am clearly not going to confront her with these issues. I spent the next 1/2 hour curled up in the fetal position bawling uncontrollably. I eventually got up and out of the apartment.

 

Still angry though.

 

I'm angry that she doesn't know how angry I am at her and feel like sh*t about it.

I'm angry I have to learn this lesson.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

so I'm going to cook food and watch Star Trek DVDs.

 

Hee hee.... I thought you kind of looked like a young Patrick Stewart. He's hot for an old guy.

 

I'm so sorry your plans blew up....filet sounds soooo yummy.

 

I found out one of my old high school buddys was in town, so I hung out with him and a couple more friends. But stupid me... I was thinking of my ex the whole time. God how I wish I had better control of my own thoughts.

 

While I was out I was thinking about you and some other posters here who are going through the same rough time. I wish our healing would come faster, easier, so none of us were stuck in this cycle of pain.

[fooled]

I was actually thinking of you too, Jen! I had a weird night but not horrible. The friend who bailed actually did so because she was really drunk. Then she decided she wanted to come over anyway and asked if I could come pick her up. Sure. 45 minutes later, I get her and 1/2 way back to my place she doesn't feel so good. I've seen her at her best and wrost and asked "do you not feel good or do you not feel good if you know what I mean. It was the latter. Pulled off the road so she could puke - got her back home and settled for bed - then came back home. You would think it would suck for me - but I was actually grateful to get out and help her a little.

 

By the way, when I thought of you - it was on the way home and not during the puking

 

I was glad to see you're online tonight.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

By the way, when I thought of you - it was on the way home and not during the puking

Well, I should hope not!

 

But I kind of wonder if when my ex thinks about me if that makes him wanna puke.

 

My buddy was a bit drunk tonight. He asked me for my ex's cell #. I said, "Don't call him." But then he ripped it out of my cell when I wasn't looking and told me later that he texted him....something about him being stupid because I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. It was kind of sweet. But I'm sure my ex thinks me and my friends are all psycho.

 

That was nice of you to rescue your friend. I mean, what are friends for, if not to hold your hair up while you puke and then tuck you into bed.

 

I'm sorry you got so upset and were sobbing like that. Your description of the way you were curled up sobbing, is pretty much how I start and end most days. Yes, I'm a mess. And angry too....angry more at myself for letting thoughts of him affect me this way.

[Xillr8ng]

Anger makes you smaller,while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.... -Cherie Carter Scott

[fooled]

That was nice of you to rescue your friend.

 

It wasn't exactly a rescue - it was more like a facilitation.

[In Sync]

Recognizing anger defintely has it place in the course healing, but yesterday I came upon this passage and oddly enough today I saw your thread. So I thought I'd toss this into the mix:

 

 

[/b]"We usually get angry at someone, don’t we? We judge that someone has done something wrong and we want them to be punished.

 

In truth, the actions of others are never to blame. It’s our thinking - our blaming and judgment - that causes the anger. And we blame and judge because we have a need that has not been met.

In his book 'Nonviolent Communication,' Marshall B. Rosenberg advises that rather than blame others, we are better served by directing our energy towards meeting our own needs.

 

He offers a simple tool for change. Instead of saying, ‘I am angry because they ...’ we can say, ‘I am angry because I am needing ....’ "[/b]

 

I like that last sentence. For myself I am angry because I am needing intimacy that I thought I could rely on from my X to provide for me.

[cal gal]

Recognizing anger defintely has it place in the course healing, but yesterday I came upon this passage and oddly enough today I saw your thread. So I thought I'd toss this into the mix:

 

 

[/b]"We usually get angry at someone, don’t we? We judge that someone has done something wrong and we want them to be punished.

 

In truth, the actions of others are never to blame. It’s our thinking - our blaming and judgment - that causes the anger. And we blame and judge because we have a need that has not been met.

In his book 'Nonviolent Communication,' Marshall B. Rosenberg advises that rather than blame others, we are better served by directing our energy towards meeting our own needs.

 

He offers a simple tool for change. Instead of saying, ‘I am angry because they ...’ we can say, ‘I am angry because I am needing ....’ "[/b]

 

I like that last sentence. For myself I am angry because I am needing intimacy that I thought I could rely on from my X to provide for me.

 

Okay - how about this:

 

I am angry because my husband couldn't be faithful! How do you think that pertains to me having a "need"? Give me a break!

 

His inadequacies don't have anything to do with my needs. I'm just angry that he didn't have the values or standards to be a decent person!