In Sync Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 But Cal Gal, Isn't that a need? Your need that he didn't fulfill? Your need for him to be faithful to you. And honour you. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 No - i think it looks more to me like his character defect! Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Wrong, wrong, wrong. This isn't about ones own needs. This is about the other person who tosses about the L word without owning the responsbilities or delivering the promises of it, thereby causing pain and anger in others. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 But Cal Gal, Isn't that a need? Your need that he didn't fulfill? Your need for him to be faithful to you. And honour you. Oh, I see. So because he made a conscious choice to commit infidelity, somehow she's supposed to be responsible for the anger he created by his actions? I don't think so. No way. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Hey jen_jen_heartbroken, Hold on anad Slow down and read through the post I sent. Jumping to the conclusion that I meant " somehow she's supposed to be responsible for the anger he created by his actions?" Is NOT what I intended nor wrote. The quote that I posted said which is a way to look at our anger was this: "We usually get angry at someone, don’t we? We judge that someone has done something wrong and we want them to be punished. In truth, the actions of others are never to blame. It’s our thinking - our blaming and judgment - that causes the anger. And we blame and judge because we have a need that has not been met. In his book 'Nonviolent Communication,' Marshall B. Rosenberg advises that rather than blame others, we are better served by directing our energy towards meeting our own needs. He offers a simple tool for change. Instead of saying, ‘I am angry because they ...’ we can say, ‘I am angry because I am needing ....’ " Anger is a choice we all have in how we deal with life's given situation. But sometimes we can sit back and look at our and not let it control us. Yes we all get angry by a betrayal of our partners, but if we stay in anger without examing it, where does that get us? We might be angry because our needs have not been met. Does that absolve the person's actions. NO. And admitting that you have a need that was not fulfilled neither takes away from the person's action. Otherwise why are you angry at him/or her ( if the betrayer is a female?) My question can go a step further if you didn't need your partner (bf/gf/lover/etc..) why would you get angry by their betrayal. You obviously wouldn't care if you didn't need or "want of" them in your life. When they move on or find a new partner they are in fact telling us, their needs are being met by another or we are not fulfilling their needs too. We may be getting angry because the one we loved stopped loving and giving us what we needed. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Hey jen_jen_heartbroken, In truth, the actions of others are never to blame. It’s our thinking - our blaming and judgment - that causes the anger. This psychobabble is a bunch of BS. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 This psychobabble is a bunch of BS. Period. Everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint Yes. True. And I just happen to think that it's just a bunch of psychobabble. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Yes. True. And I just happen to think that it's just a bunch of psychobabble. Then we see things differently and that's why I posted another point of view! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 True. And I like both of you - each of you have given me support and comfort. You both rule! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 I am having a particularly hard day today. Really angry that we have irreconcilable issues. I know I couldn't deal with it if we got back together - even years from now. So I don't know why I'm longing to see her so much today. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I'm sorry fooled. It is hard to have emotions involved when you know you can change a situation.... I had a meeting today with my soon to be ex husband about support money, division of property and interests, etc. I felt very sad after he left for a while, as he tried to hug me when we finished and I didn't want him to/and then all of a sudden I felt relieved - I guess for having agreements on some of the tough issues we kept putting off. So, now life goes forward and I will try to look forward - not back. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Awwwww...... {{{{{{{{fooled}}}}}}}} Well.... I'm not angry... I'm not going to wish him Happy Valentine's day!!! Yeeee Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 I'm sorry that you're having a rough day, Fooled. Me too. Everywhere I look there are reminders of V-day. And they are impossible to avoid unless I were to stay under the covers of my bed for the next week. Even at work... A co-worker asked me what my boyfriend and I have planned for tomorrow...and I busted out in tears. I just want them to shut up. I told my boss and one other person about the split, but I just can't tell anyone else because I get too emotional and choked up. Even now I'm teary-eyed because I heard The Supremes "Baby Love" on the radio on the way home. And the thought of his V-day gift that he so callously returned to me still wrapped, sitting here mocking me, and yet it would be too painful for me to throw away. Yes, I'm messed up. And I'll shut up now, because I don't want to bring you down, because you don't deserve that either. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Fooled....... Just read through your stuff.... sounds sad... I'm sorry you are going through this. Its hard, all you can think about is one thing. Everything reminds you. Keep writing, keep venting. When the curves life is throwing at you now straighten out it will be better for you. Remember, as I do, she cannot realise what she lost because of her own actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 Oh, I'm so sorry, Jen! You need to throw that gift away!!!! And say whatever you need to say here. You're certainly not going to bring me any further down. I feel like it's Day 1 again. It's so hard for you and me specifically because of the close proximity of our exes. It's the hardest thing in the world for me not to walk over there every night. Must be even harder for you. How do you not? Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 God, I f***ing hate this. I can't stop sobbing like an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fooled Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 I know how it feels! I would hug the h*ll out of you if I were there. Know that. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Thanks Fooled. I just called my girlfriend. She helped me calm down some, but I still feel that awful weight in the pit of my stomach....the one you're all too familiar with I'm sure. You know, I had a thought. With all the numbers of brokenhearted souls on this site and all over the internet, I think there's a real need for Breakup Club. Not a "support group", where everyone sits in a circle discussion lead by some social worker, but something much different. Like a small cozy coffee house with big comfy sofas and soothing music. Where only dumpees are allowed. Where hugs are shared and boxes of tissues are close at hand. No rebounders allowed. Just people who need somewhere comforting to go besides a bar or going to see their coupled-up friends who tell them to "get over it". Someplace to meet and give and take support with fellow dumpees over a cup of tea and a yummy scone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 No rebounders allowed. Hahahah I know! No cheerful I think this guy likes me is it rebound? I like him! people. Or, I think I should dump my bf because he didn't give me a nice gift for Valentines... people. Just MISERABLE pissed off people, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
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