Tse Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Hi, long-time reader, first-time poster. I´m 23, male and had a total of two sexual partners. I´m posting because of an amazing feeling of inadequacy that I have not been able to shake. I have got it into my head that I haven´t had enough sexual experience and that I should really do something about it. I´ve had long-term relationships with both of these girls, and I´m currently with one. In both cases the girls have had plenty more partners than I and I don´t know if I´m supposed to be more jealous of them or of the ex's! So I´m asking you, the public, for advice about what to do and for opinions on the matter at hand. Obviously, I cannot cheat on the girl I am with, and I feel that I still love her and wouldn't want to ruin a perfectly good relationship just to quench my ego by having enough notches on my belt. But I don´t really see myself being able to just shrug it off like some monk, like I said it´s been gnawing at me for a long time. I guess it´s a combination of things, for example society tells us that we SHOULD go through a stage of promiscuity to work ourselves out. It isn't a feeling of sexual inadequacy per se, I know that sexually I can deliver the goods. I was a very timid teenager and I still am somewhat; the feelings of having "missed out" are really driving me to this place. I know plenty of guys who go through women like crap through a goose, and I can't decide whether that is the "right" thing or not. I just know I feel very guilty for feeling this way. PS What AverageJoe said about not talking about previous sexual partners is so very, very true Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine2003 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 How many sexual parters a person has does not define someone's worth! For me, the less sexual partners, the better (for him or me). Having sex with many people doesn't mean you are better; just means that you like to sleep around. I am not turned on by that whatsoever. A guy who feels like he has to sleep around a lot to be worth something is really sad. I would never date a guy who sleeps around a lot...or has in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Tangerina Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Grr.... as a woman I find this cultural idea so frustrating as it makes it hard to have serious relationgships with men since they get antsy about not being out there playing the field... I really don't think seeing more people or leaving your GF will help, it is something you are gonna have to work out inside of yourself... my first BF felt this way and we were each other's firsts so I thought if he saw other people it would go away, I was wrong... my current BF has had 9 lovers total and like 17 make-out partners and I thought he wouldn't have this issue... I was wrong... It's a cultural thing and in my experience it doesn't just go away if you indulge it, it is something deeper that needs to be worked out, about priorities and what you want at different part of your life... you just might not be ready for a serious relationship...And here is something to think about... having more partners DOES NOT necessarily make you more experienced... at the beginning of our relationship I was intimidated by my BFs numbers and he is like... why, you are just as experienced as me, just all with the same person... and then I realized that I had been in a 3 year relationship having sex on a regular basis and trying new things (gaining experience)... he was in two 7 month serious relationships, so that gives him a little over a year of consistant sex experience.... but then for 2 years he only had 5 lovers in that time and most were 1 or 2 time things... so what, he had sex about 10-20 times in 2 years plus a make out session every few weeks..... I've got him beat there... Experience really doesn't have to do with numbers..... my advice is figure out if it is really worth losing your girlfriend over the ego boost and if it is then go for it because the relationship is doomed anyways, but if you love your GF and value your relationship you better start focusing on what you have rather than worrying about what you don't have.... Link to post Share on other sites
helena abadi Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 i would be very uncomfortable if my partner or potential partner had notched up many conquests. sleeping around is not acceptable to me. it doesn't make me feel special. it would indicate that someone who bangs anything with a pulse takes relationships very casually. it's not sexy at all. someone who has a bit of control over himself - now that's sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 You really shouldn't feel inadequate. Yes, sex is a great thing and it is fun to experience different people. But you need to consider that you are in a relationship with a great girl, isn't that more special? I was in a LTR with the guy who took my virginity and eventually started having these same kinds of feelings, that I "missed out" on something. It turned out that I really did not want to continue in that relationship and those feelings kind of manifested in me wanting to sleep with more guys. So evaluate your relationship with your girlfriend. What's more important to you, having that relationship or going out and experiencing some other people? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I agree, I think you're just looking for an excuse to get out of your current relationship. I know saying it's a cultural thing is a convenient excuse, but that doesn't make it a reason, it's still just an excuse. There's probably something truly significant going on that you're trying to avoid dealing with, and you're using this "need to spread the seed" as a coverup. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Don't be a weakling and just worry about what your friends think about your little experience. Get some confidence and get over these stupid thoughts. If you want to become a dime a dozen sleazy louse of a man, then by all means sleep with anything that moves. Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyShabba Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Having 100 one night stands isnt as fulfilling as having 1 partner with whom u share 1000's of nights together exploring each other. I find it better not to find out how many partners your "Love" has had for two reasons 1. Whatever # they say isnt necessarily the number they have been with 2. Is there really a magic oh thats okay # even if its just been one other you still will find yourself wondering how good he was or wasnt Having sex with someone is just that sharing an intimate moment with someone like a cup of coffee or a laugh nothing more or less unless they have Kids then you need to worry. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 why wont it let me edit? *and DON'T worry about what your friend think..." Link to post Share on other sites
Delectable Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 So...dude... My guy...'Mr. Wonderful' has been with 3 or 4x the sexual partners than I have and he is younger than I am. And yes...I do know how it feels to feel inadequate. BUT I too have been in a couple of long term relationships and you have to remind yourself what I do all the time...he may be leading the score board in the quantity of sexual partners but I really do bellieve that I might be leading the scoreboard in the quality of sexual experiences that I have had. He even tells me that I'm the best and that I blow his mind... now that being said... If this is just an excuse to break up with your girl and get a few more notches in your belt you'd be making a grave mistake. Trust me...when you find someone wonderful you can make up for lost time... I plan on 'sexing' my man to death if I have to by trying anything and everything that I have missed out up until now...but I'll be doing it with him (if he can keep up with me)...because...even though he is one of the few I've had he's the best I've ever had and I wouldn't trade that for anything number of experiences out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I have only had two sexual partners as well, but damn it the 2nd is absolutely superb so im definetely no missing out! My boyfriend has only had me (my current boyfriend is actually the first guy I made out with when I was a kid haha) but we have a very good relationship emotionally and sexually so it really doesnt matter! Link to post Share on other sites
IWalkAlone Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 If you've had two LTR's and have spent more time in happy relationships than with no relationship, then you've been happier than most of us. Don't worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I agree, I think you're just looking for an excuse to get out of your current relationship. I know saying it's a cultural thing is a convenient excuse, but that doesn't make it a reason, it's still just an excuse. There's probably something truly significant going on that you're trying to avoid dealing with, and you're using this "need to spread the seed" as a coverup. yep. I agree with this one. This isn't about what other people think is acceptable in terms of sexual partners, it's about something related to that feeling of inadequacy deep inside yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I think what you are feeling, in short, is that you haven't had enough time to move around in the world yet and you worry about getting rid of a decent relationship to get that freedom. Part of being in a relationship is the choice you make to give up all of that. Ask yourself if you are ready to give up that kind of freedom now, and if not, the mature action is to break up with her and go on your way. At 23 you are too young to be tied down, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 And be prepared to find out that you really blew it in the love department when you start your campaign to bang some chicks. Just don't lie to your current GF and the gals you hook up with. You're only 23, so break up with your GF and get to it. OR, stop wondering about the other women you haven't nailed. Link to post Share on other sites
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