life_take2 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 I've posted my story before... Married for 20 years...wife said three years ago she didn't love me anymore and was concerned about the future of the marriage. Did counseling. Thought it helped, but I guess not enough. Now she is asking to end it. Have received papers. Have pretty much left her alone. Have asked multiple times if she is certain she wants to go through with it. Her answer is yes. So...here I am...feeling hurt, rejected, and abandoned. But I am realizing that I miss being with someone vs. miss her. I don't know if it is because I have shut myself off from the relationship due to the circumstances, or is it that since she has been slowly checking out of the relationship, that I really don't miss her. It's quite confusing. It's hard feeling so helpless in a situation like this. It sucks when you aren't part of the decision! 25 years! Our friends envied our marriage. We had so much and there was so much more we wanted to do. Boy...when she made her decision...she really shut down. I'll be curious to see if there is someone else. I have a suspicion. Sorry for rambling...I just want to get over this and hopefully meet someone new. I know I am a good person. But my self-esteem has been shot. I'm not really sure about the online dating thing. Seems so much like shopping on amazon.com or ebay! <g> Link to post Share on other sites
melica Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Comfort. After 20 years, its the comfort. The problems do not go away just because you missed her. We lasted through 20 years of problems, not bliss. How about you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author life_take2 Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 17 years were wonderful. The last few we drifted apart. We never argued. That concerns me now, as I don't think she ever really expressed her true feelings. You're right about the comfort. We slid into roommate mode. I think both of us could have been more active in rekindling the relationship. But then again...when she says, "I'm not in love with you anymore and you don't turn me on," there's not much of a response to that or way to fix it. It's just so disappointing! My friends who have been through it say that it can be even better the next go around. That's hard to imagine, when you know someone so well, mesh with them so well, and yes...feel so comfortable with them. <sigh> Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 What are you doing to get yourself back out into THE WORLD? I'm not suggesting that you start dating yet, but are you getting out of the house? Maybe joined a gym or a bowling team? Are you taking good care of yourself? You know, getting plenty of sleep and eating right? Twenty years is a long time. It's not a rational expectation to think you can just "move on" all at once. But you can take a few little baby steps to get you moving in that direction, right? Maybe get out for some coffee with a friend. Take up a new hobby. Small things like that can keep your mind and body busy and speed up your healing process. While it's not true in every case, many divorcees start to feel a whole lot better in as little as six months. I think maybe they need to be somewhat proactive in their own healing in order to get that done though. Your wife was unnecessarily hurtful to you in the comments she made...."I'm not in love with you anymore and you don't turn me on". Try not to focus on that. It's baggage that you don't need to carry around. Really, it says more about her than it says about you anyway. Unnecessary roughness as it were. Best to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Oh I couldnt agree more with LadyJane. Having survived divorce myself, and still surviving, i can definitely say that if you want to heal, you have to be active in it. They say time heals everything. But that's not entirely true. Time and being active in your healing will heal you. When your mind starts to drift over the past, you start to fear the future, or start to feel lonely, you need to refocus your thoughts to positive ones. In the beginning, you'll find yourself refocusing a lot. Dont get frustrated with yourself. The more you practice refocusing, the easier it gets. I would recommend against dating right away. After 20 years, I'm sure you dont even know who YOU are as a single person. Take the time and enjoy it. Explore all the things you've always wanted to do. Get to know yourself. Try things all over again. Be a kid and enjoy the learning experience. I highly recommend going out and meeting _new_ people, preferably single. Not so you can date, but more so you can feel good about yourself. When you make new friends, you start to realize that you have worth as an individual. People like you for you. And if they are new people, they dont know you as a married person, they only know you as a single person. It's great for boosting your self confidence. This is the one time in your life where you can be completely selfish. Not that you should go crazy and spend all your money, but retail therapy does work. Spend a little bit of money on yourself that will make you feel good. And take the time to relax. Your body is going through a tremendous amount of stress right now. The first year of divorce we are very prone to accidents and getting hurt. So this first year is extremely important to take care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as possible. Because if you DONT take care of yourself, eventually your body will shut down and you'll be forced to spend a lot more money on medical bills. Divorce is scary and liberating because it shows us that we are completely in charge of our happiness. That's a huge responsiblity. But if we embrace that, and start to do things that will truely make us happy, then life can be so much better than what we've been living. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Brilliant post, dgiirl. Anyone suffering from an unwanted divorce ought to print it and carry it in their wallet. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 lol thanks i learned a few things this past year Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I know the feeling. When the ex left after 25 years to find love with someone else she already had waiting in the wings I was devastated. Over time I began to realize that I missed the marriage and the entire concept of it but not the person. In fact, in the end, I couldn't think of one good reason to want to be back in a relationship with the ex. I will say that I spent the next two years living like a monk with no social life whatsoever. I wanted plenty of time, uncluttered and unfettered by proximity to work on myself. I came to cherish the peace, quiet and solitude. I especially reveled in not having to listen to or be answerable to anyone else, the ex most especially. Ultimately I asked out a friend and former coworker of five years just for some adult company and good conversation on a short day trip, out and back. We've now been married over nine years. It's probably significant that she's the polar opposite of the ex but this time I was comfortable with me and well-suited to share my life with someone, unlike how I was in my early 20s. There shouldn't be any rush. Chances are you're not anywhere near ready to date yet and rebound can be ugly. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Married for 20 years...wife said three years ago she didn't love me anymore and was concerned about the future of the marriage. Did counseling. Thought it helped, but I guess not enough. Now she is asking to end it. Have received papers. Have pretty much left her alone. Have asked multiple times if she is certain she wants to go through with it. Her answer is yes. So...here I am...feeling hurt, rejected, and abandoned. But I am realizing that I miss being with someone vs. miss her. I don't know if it is because I have shut myself off from the relationship due to the circumstances, or is it that since she has been slowly checking out of the relationship, that I really don't miss her. It's quite confusing. It's hard feeling so helpless in a situation like this. It sucks when you aren't part of the decision! 25 years! Our friends envied our marriage. We had so much and there was so much more we wanted to do. Boy...when she made her decision...she really shut down. My situation is similar. Married 16 years, both had affairs. Mine was 10+ years ago. She's been slowly checking out since before her's two years ago. Tried counseling, but now she is stopping. Wants to stay together in the same house until end of school year (2 young children), but live separate. I know exactly what you mean by making a decision and shutting down. Not sure if I can make it to May in the same house - I do miss her. The last few we drifted apart. We never argued. That concerns me now, as I don't think she ever really expressed her true feelings. Dude, you're reading my mind. I agree with Ladyjane, stay active. Like you, I must learn to live again at the center of my own life. I have focused all of my energy on my wife and my family. I have put everyone else first for years. I joined the gym and have now been going out with friends at least once a week. This is the one time in your life where you can be completely selfish. Not that you should go crazy and spend all your money, but retail therapy does work. Spend a little bit of money on yourself that will make you feel good. And take the time to relax. Your body is going through a tremendous amount of stress right now. The first year of divorce we are very prone to accidents and getting hurt. So this first year is extremely important to take care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as possible. Because if you DONT take care of yourself, eventually your body will shut down and you'll be forced to spend a lot more money on medical bills. Divorce is scary and liberating because it shows us that we are completely in charge of our happiness. That's a huge responsiblity. But if we embrace that, and start to do things that will truely make us happy, then life can be so much better than what we've been living. dgirl, your post was spot on. No one else can be responsible for our happiness. Don't have much to add, just support. Link to post Share on other sites
Xillr8ng Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Having survived divorce myself, and still surviving, i can definitely say that if you want to heal, you have to be active in it. They say time heals everything. But that's not entirely true. Time and being active in your healing will heal you. When your mind starts to drift over the past, you start to fear the future, or start to feel lonely, you need to refocus your thoughts to positive ones. In the beginning, you'll find yourself refocusing a lot. Dont get frustrated with yourself. The more you practice refocusing, the easier it gets. I would recommend against dating right away. After 20 years, I'm sure you dont even know who YOU are as a single person. . I am grateful that I ran into this post.I am a man in the middle of the D ,alone now 6 months and I have no idea anymore who I am.I had made our marraige into room mates as well and emotionaly abused my wife for the past 5 years or so.A marraige of 12 years.Up until yesterday I had been in a cloud of my own hurt and was unable to see my wifes side of the events.. I was unable to really stand back and clearly see the damage that I myself have inflicted on her.LS has been a blessing...CYGNY opened my eyes to some very painful issues that I was flat out ignoring.I am frustrated and my mind is drifting and the future does look scary.Thank you for your post as I will print it and read it when it gets gloomy.I do miss my wife...Refocusing today and practicing it until I get it down. thnx Link to post Share on other sites
Author life_take2 Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 Wow! Thank you all for your responses! I wasn't really sure what to expect on this site. But I am pleasantly surprised, as you all are blowing me away with the quality of your responses. Thanks! Time definitely helps! I see the changes week by week. I am getting less emotional and more angry, but more strong. Someone told me that it helps when the anger sets in. She was right! <g> I am not exercising enough during the week, but doing lots of cycling on the weekends. I have been slowly meeting people through work who are single and socialize a lot. That's what I need. I believe someone said that in this thread. True...I'm not really ready to date and yes I have no idea who the f--- I am. There's other good news, though. I realized how much I was beating myself up about the "possibility" of just how much I "might" have affected the marriage's demise. I was going through the coulda, woulda, shoulda list. Then...I had an idea. I called up my wife and asked a loaded question. I even warned her that it was a loaded question. The question was this..."Did you ever NOT feel loved by me throughout our 20 years of marriage?" Without hesitation, her answer was, "No!" So...armed with that...I can absolutely feel that I upheld my end of the relationship. I can hold my head up high and know...in my heart...that I "alone" AM NOT responsible for the failure of this marriage. That's such a simple, yet powerful feeling. It will help carry me into the next phase of this process. Speaking of which...I decided to do a Google search on relationship breakup phases. I found some very interesting links. One stated that the phases are very similar to those described in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." I read this a while back in college for a class on death and dying. Sounds morbid, but it was quite interesting in a Harold and Maude kind of way. But I found my favorite list of phases. They are: Phase 1. The Pissed off Phase. Phase 2. The Very Pissed off Phase. Phase 3. The Very Very Pissed off Phase. <g> Thanks again for all your input! This is really a wonderful use of technology...to create an online community of supportive people who can say, "Been there, done that" and are willing to share their experiences. I REALLY appreciate the input! Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 LT2 Consider yourself INCREDIBLY LUCKY!! Life has lead you here, and here has brought you LadyJane! And Dare I say dgirl, your post regarding time is SPOT ON! Time itself does nothing but pass - or seem to, it is YOU who heal your wounds.!! ::jumping up and down to hear that come from someone else!! LT2 on the dating thing, If you're not into it right now, just don't. There's nothing wrong with taking yourself off the market for a time. Heck the first woman I dated, was great, but I was scared stiff!! I could talk and function fine, but the thought of building something with her was paralyzingly terrifying. Take your time, date yourself for a few months. You'll likely find you're more loveable than you ever knew! Be well, Take Care, MA:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Take your time, date yourself for a few months. You'll likely find you're more loveable than you ever knew! :) MA's got a way with words. And truer haven't been spoken. Link to post Share on other sites
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