Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 nevermind. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 I am an OW, so I will give you my perspective.... I think that if a man really loves you, and I mean REALLY loves you, he will never do anything that would make you want to go away. I am confident that these MM who don't leave KNOW our pain, yet take a chance EVERYDAY that we will come to a point that we can't take the relationship any longer. Now, why would anyone that loves us do that to us? And, also....when a person REALLY loves someone, ONLY that person will do. A person really loving someone cannot tolerate being with another out of duty, finances, etc. Real love leaves room for no other... Just my thoughts... Not sure what you mean by your first paragraph... MM who don't leave want the OW to come to a decision to go away..? For the second paragraph. Well, I think that (most?) men are very good at doing the 'dutiful' thing. They're also good at 'compartmentalising'. They (generalising) tend to have a (personal) view of what being a man means... and will continue with that, despite the fact that they may feel their romantic (or sexual or whatever) heart lies elsewhere. If they can stand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 What i meant is that the MM who choose not to leave KNOW that we are in pain, yet profess to love us. I always thought that when you loved someone, you always tried to make the relationship work so that the other person never felt the need to leave it. These men, however, KNOW our pain, yet choose to continue inspite of the obvious pain that we feel. I guess my point is, if I loved someone, I would never do anything that would make him want to leave me. And I certainly behave in a manner that continually hurt him. Sorry I was so vague... Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Sorry, I meant that I certainly wouldn't behave in a manner that was continually hurting him. Like my MM is with me. I am tired today... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolax Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 I e-mailed that article to my MM about a month ago. Said that he felt about half of it was true. Of course, he said, none of it was true with us.....WHATEVER! Anyway, I am still walking away from him. Wonder what he will do now? I don't think I will hold my breath waiting for him. I guess the proof of whether or not our men are cakemen is when we remove ourselves from the equation and see THEN what happens.... dear walking away you are doing the right thing !! as the old saying goes if you love someone so much it hurts , let him go if he loves you he will come backto you,forever let me know what happens next wont you and ill kept you posted about my mm take care x Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolax Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 Sometimes it does work out. Very much more often, it doesn't. All this typing in bold and capitals doesn't get your point across any better... it's hard to read. And you're saying nothing. Just shouting about how much it HAS to work out. No one here can possibly know anything about your relationship, and they can't predict how it will go. Because you've said next to nothing, and your way of expressing yourself looks/sounds like you're desperate and unhappy. So... do you want to say more about what is going on? Or are you just looking for some support in your desperate feeling that it has to work out..? yes i do want to say more about what is going on.......what would you like to know? my kids are 20,9,7 and 4 mm met my 20 year from the start, but he met the 9 year old and 4 year old yesterday..he was cool with them...and them with he he may not be avery good husband to his wife they hardly speak to each other, but im sure hes a brilliant dad x Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 What i meant is that the MM who choose not to leave KNOW that we are in pain, yet profess to love us. I always thought that when you loved someone, you always tried to make the relationship work so that the other person never felt the need to leave it. These men, however, KNOW our pain, yet choose to continue inspite of the obvious pain that we feel. I guess my point is, if I loved someone, I would never do anything that would make him want to leave me. And I certainly behave in a manner that continually hurt him. Sorry I was so vague... Hmm... still not sure I understand what you mean. And I think that might be because you're possibly mixed up yourself. I don't see that if you love someone you necessarily want or need that relationship to work. (I love my ex. I don't want a relationship with him, however.. .I want him to be happy.) Specifically "IF you love someone you always try to make the relationship work... so they won't leave"...? Is that really what you're saying? Well no, I don't think so. I think that we have to love ourselves first. If someone is doing something that's not what we want to live with... then we don't have to change ourselves to suit them. MM don't have to make it so we (OW) feel OK and don't leave them... I don't know... still not sure what you're saying! Sorry. These men might 'know' our pain... but hey.. it's not their pain. It's our choice to walk away. I read all the time in this triangle about who is in control, who had the choice, and who is under whose spell. We're all just human beings here. We all have the same possibilities.. the control, the choice, and ultimately the decision to walk away. If we continue to put ourselves in the path of traffic... then we're going to get run over. OUR choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 yes i do want to say more about what is going on.......what would you like to know? Well firstly I'm put off by your two names and locations. I have this horrible feeling that you're the 'married in love with my dentist' girl. But that's my problem. Do you have an explanation for your two identities and locations..? For someone with such a grown up family, I'd like to know what happened in you marriage. How it ended. And why you're so blase about him being not a great husband but you're sure he's a great dad. How are things working out with your ex H, and has he been a great dad..? Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Quote: Originally Posted by SpringDale I'm sorry to say this, but you can't be selfish. I was foolish and fell in love with a woman outside my marriage, and she too was in love with me. I finally got a divorce and just as we have the opportunity to now be together we are both realizing that we're not nearly as compatible as we hoped. Sure, we made each other feel better than anything else every has up until this point, but now that we have the chance to see each other in "real life" its not nearly as great as we'd hoped. Please don't be selfish. Unless his marriage is already in shambles, the odds of you two working out are near nothing. The stress that will follow in his breakup with his wife will devestate him and leave him as a different person. He married his wife because they had the chance to meet as a normal couple and grow together. You don't have that opportunity and although you are compatible now, the chance you take is that it won't work out as you hope with him. Do you really want to feel responsible for breaking up a marriage and then your relatonship not working out? Obviously neither of you are clearly thinking - he is cheating and you're still chasing him. Although you are compatible in many ways, this isn't how the foundation of a relationship should grow. I will tell you this - being the man in your exact situation, I regret every decision I made and I resent ever meeting the OW. Its the price I pay for being stupid and I have learned a very valuable lesson. It was terrific for us both for several months and the best fun and best love I have ever seen, but I hate it all now. Don't let that be you - please. A MM's perspective with hindsight Lolax. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 A MM's perspective with hindsight Lolax. Call me cynical... but I don't see many MM posting here when they're involved in the affair... why would they post After it had ended...? And are they then telling the truth about the affair..? Or is it a case of Wife Over The Shoulder..? Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Call me cynical... but I don't see many MM posting here when they're involved in the affair... why would they post After it had ended...? And are they then telling the truth about the affair..? Or is it a case of Wife Over The Shoulder..? I still think it's a valid perspective (whether written with the Wife Over The Shoulder or not!!!!!!) - and before you say it - yes I know all situations are unique - but I'm sure this is just one potential outcome to consider after lots of divorces - the MM may not necessarily go back to the wife but the relationship with the OW must often come under stress after the emotional trauma of a divorce. Then there's the change in status of the affair itself - it's a whole new dynamic going from unavailability to total availability. I also think that a relationship originally based on deceit is not necessarily a good basis for the ongoing relationship between the MM and the OW after divorce. But yes, every situations different......... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Unless the MM wants to live a double life, he isn't going to have a fullblown relationship with the OW when he has a wife. He WILL however, keep her around anyway, even knowing that it is painful for her...I'm sure he just separates from his mind so he won't feel guilty about causing pain. And, ofcourse hiding it from his wife. It's called having your cake and eating it too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 he may not be avery good husband to his wife they hardly speak to each other, but im sure hes a brilliant dad x That is what he tells you...Just like many MM, they say their relationship at home isn't good, the wife is a horrible person and they don't get along or have sex anymore. Yet, most of the time, what he says really isn't true - Things ARE infact OK at home, not as bad as he makes it out to be. Just fyi... Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Well firstly I'm put off by your two names and locations. I have this horrible feeling that you're the 'married in love with my dentist' girl. But that's my problem. :lmao: I hope it isn't her Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 a relationship originally based on deceit is not necessarily a good basis for the ongoing relationship Well I totally agree ... when the MM has lied to the OW about being married. I can't understand why anyone would go on having a relationship with that person... knowing that he lied to her, for the sake of getting something out of her. That's just so bad. I hate lying in a relationship. But an affair isn't 'based on lies' necessarily. Often, the affair is the only truly honest relationship someone has. they're able to be themselves, express their desires, needs, and hopes. ... Talk to (and share things with) their affair partner in ways that they never have been able to in their marriage. And sometimes, they get to feeling that that's the way they want to live their lives forever. It's usually the W who gets the lies. That's because that relationship has got to a point of being worn out, or never attained the same heights that the affair ever had. Many other reasons. But anyway. The Affair may depend on lies (to the W), but it's no more 'based on lies' than a Marriage recovering from infidelity is. In the sense that lies were a part of it... but actually, it was the W who was in the dark. And when you think of it, it's never stated that a Marriage post infidelity was 'based on lies' (which it was... the W was lied to, every time... while the OW wasn't, most of the time) and yet WHICH is the one which is stated to be 'hopeless'? The OW MM, while the W, and MM is seen to be something 'probably better' because of his cheating (and lying to her)..?' Something not right there. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Sami D - I am not mixed up any longer. I have decided not to settle for less than I am worth in my relationship with my MM. Sorry you didn't understand my point. I however, have complete clarity in regards to MY situation. Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 The Affair may depend on lies (to the W), but it's no more 'based on lies' than a Marriage recovering from infidelity is. In the sense that lies were a part of it... but actually, it was the W who was in the dark. And when you think of it, it's never stated that a Marriage post infidelity was 'based on lies' (which it was... the W was lied to, every time... while the OW wasn't, most of the time) and yet WHICH is the one which is stated to be 'hopeless'? The OW MM, while the W, and MM is seen to be something 'probably better' because of his cheating (and lying to her)..?' Something not right there. Maybe I was unspecific in my post - yes, maybe the MM/OW relationship is not, in itself, based on lies but the surrounding situation is. Going back to my original post, and SpringDale's comments, I'm more interested in how things unfold when the dynamics of the status quo change - I've seen MM leave their wives for the OW and the situation hasn't worked out, that's all. In one case the OW was shunned by the MM's friends who knew his wife - this put a huge strain on their relationship. In another case the MM moved in with the OW but didn't give himself any space between the divorce and co-habiting and ended up leaving the OW. She wanted marriage and he just wasn't ready for it having gone through a messy and expensive divorce. OK these are just two scenarios but I think it's interesting to see that whilst so many posters see the divorce as the biggest hurdle there are often even more hurdles to negotiate afterwards. It's a shame more MM in A's don't post on here........after all, they are the only ones who have 100% of the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolax Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 Well firstly I'm put off by your two names and locations. I have this horrible feeling that you're the 'married in love with my dentist' girl. But that's my problem. Do you have an explanation for your two identities and locations..? For someone with such a grown up family, I'd like to know what happened in you marriage. How it ended. And why you're so blase about him being not a great husband but you're sure he's a great dad. How are things working out with your ex H, and has he been a great dad..? dear sami 2 names .yes 2 locations ......yes im paranoid i guess anyway im really in london england my ex was a real bastard, both mentally and physically...........been on medication for years. not the same person i was....... my mm does not hassle me........call me names ....spit a me .....hit in public....catch my drift ? hes so completely different, i know hes married i knew from the word go, and i believe he has never lied to me . hes a good man !and as long as the world goes on , mm and mw will continue to have affairs. life is short and can be snatched away at any time!! ive had over12 years of living in hell..now its my turn.......and he makes me smile, makes me feel good about myself. i know you think that i am immature for a women of my age with a large family....but im not really..just a bit ****ed up in the head ,not really suprising is it ! and as for your question....is he a good father no way.....terrible in every way possible Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 If you're looking for a MM leaves W story - here's mine: I asked my ex-h to move out after suffering through two of his affairs. A year later he moved in with OW#2, it's been 2-1/2 years and they are still together although they are not married (I think she's receiving spousal support, we'll see what happens in the next year after it's been discontinued). Actually, I think she's good for him - maybe it was true love, just too bad he didn't have the balls to leave me 4 years prior. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 hey brash gal, thanks for the story, you sound like a very fair lady. Link to post Share on other sites
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