Starfish Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 My ex and I have been broken up now for approx. five months. We had been together for three years; the relationship was a vicious cycle (break up, get back together, break up, get back together...). As was always the case when we were broken up, we remained in contact for months after. I found out just before Christmas that he had cheated on me one night when we were still together. I confonted him about it after it had been eluded to me by a mutual friend. He denied it at first, but I kept pressing and he eventually broke down and told me. After the initial anger, feelings of betrayal et al settled, I tried to get as many answers as I could from him. I have accepted what happened (as best I can right now) and have let go as best I can (of him) so that I can begin to heal. I only truly started NC last week. I have been going through the stages since that day I found out (in no particular order) but still find myself questioning... He told me that the only reason he slept with her that night was because he was "bombed." He said he wasn't attracted to her at all even when sober. (Keep in mind that he is notorious for lying to me and I don't know whether all of this is the total and complete truth from him or not.) He said that what it comes down to - he believes - is the fears that he had, his abandonment issues, his fears that I'd cheat on him, his doubts that I loved him the way I said, his doubts that he was good enough for me..... He said that he never told me about it b/c he was ashamed, b/c he was so disgusted with himself. What bothers me to this day is that he did an awful lot of projecting after, and especially, making me feel like it was my fault when he broke up with me in September. I still feel a lot of hurt about what happened, and by the lies that covered it up. What I still find myself wondering on occasion is: are there certain scenarios when a person cheats that are "acceptable" or more easily able to forgive and get past? I don't know why I even bother myself with these thoughts... I suppose it may be b/c I still haven't FULLY let go of some hope. I feel bad sometimes that I gave him such a "hard time" about it. I also feel the need to mention that this wasn't the first time that he had slept with somone when he and I were together. There had been a couple of others, but that happened when he and I were on "breaks." So, in being technical, it wasn't really cheating... I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
THX2000 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 In my opinion cheating is never acceptable in a monogamous, committed relationship. Cheating is the act of a selfish person only worried about their own needs and not those of their SO. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Alcohol is NEVER an excuse for cheating.. he didn't f*** her with a beer bottle. and to answer your question .. No. there is never an excuse to cheat on someone Link to post Share on other sites
TeaCooler Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 He told me that the only reason he slept with her that night was because he was "bombed." He said he wasn't attracted to her at all even when sober. the fact that he cheated is almost secondary to the fact the he made a deicison that he knew would directly affect you with no consideration for you. this is not right, regardless of the result of the decision he made. the behavior you describe of his is selfish, immature; he does not seem ready to be in a stable relationship. and this isn't the first time he has done something like this; you can bet it won't be the last. he will likely do it for as long as you put up with it. so yes, there are excuses for cheating when excuses are provided. "i was drunk", "i was lonely", "you're not good to me", these are called excuses. but when people say "there's no excuse" it means "there is no excuse that is acceptable for me to accept." so the choice is yours; you accept it or you don't. i think you know what you should do, want and need to do...but we all know it's difficult getting there. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I don't know why I even bother myself with these thoughts... Frankly, neither do I. You are exes for a reason & this, by the sounds of it, is only one of them. The impression I got from your post was that you're looking for a way to get past this episode so you can start this relationship again. I suppose it may be b/c I still haven't FULLY let go of some hope. The relationship you had didn't sound very good anyway. Let go. And stop contacting the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 No. There is no excuse. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starfish Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 Alcohol is NEVER an excuse for cheating.. he didn't f*** her with a beer bottle. Call my sense of humor twisted...but that made me laugh. Thanks, Critic. The relationship you had didn't sound very good anyway. Let go. And stop contacting the guy. Yes, you are absolutely right, blue. Our relationship wasn't a good one. I have known it for quite some time, but I always maintained my faith that things would change... I have since realized that things won't. I have been trying my damnedest to let go, and have been quite strong about NC. Thank you all for your replies. I know that what you all say is the truth, deep inside. And hearing it from "outsiders" reassures me. Link to post Share on other sites
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