Thank you all for your advice, here's what I ended up doing

[marzipan75]

First of all let me say thanks once again to everybody who responded to my plea of temporary insanity! I really appreciated all your advice. I decided after much thought that I would return his call and find out what he wanted. He wanted to return some items to me and also to see me and have a chance to talk to me. I knew going in that it was probably an excuse since he didn't have very much stuff to give back to me.

 

He asked me to meet with him that way I could get my stuff back and I agreed. My thoughts in this were that it has been two and a half months and I think I am strong enough to have a civil conversation while I get my things back.

 

I don't think I made a mistake, if anything it helped satisfy some of my own curiosity about the "other side" as well. Yes, feelings are still there, but I don't exactly know what they are. More than anything they are sad feelings and for whatever reason, I didn't feel bad after our meeting. Our conversation consisted of the usual "how are yous" at which point he did reveal he is not doing well at all. I think he really wanted to get into it but I did not bite, I said that I was sorry to hear that and hoped things would get better for him. I left it at that.

 

He again repeated to me that he wanted to be my friend, and how sorry he was about everything. He also said he still wanted me in his life and that threw me for a small loop but I am trying not to think about it very much. That's one fire I won't give fuel to. I told him that I found it admirable that he wanted to stay friends throughout all this but that at the present I didn't know if it was possible. It's still too soon and he must be really confused judging by his appearence.

 

So, evidently the relationship he left me to pursue is no longer a relationship at all and I imagine he is probably starting to go through a lot of the same things that I have been experiencing since his departure. I felt really strong and yet I wasn't angry with him. I don't know how that came off or if it did, I don't really care nonetheless, the point is I talked to him, after nearly three months of not having any contact at all. That is something I never thought I could do, and yet I just did it.

 

I don't know whether friendship is possible and I told him that. I think I have been the better person all along here, especially under the circumstances. I still struggle on whatever feelings for him I may have lurking in there. It was awkward talking to him at first but I felt a lot better about myself afterward. Maybe I am weak for allowing myself to talk to him but I do think that it needed to be done once and for all.

 

He asked once more about being friends and I told him he was pushing too hard for this. I told him if and when I was ready then I would call him. Until then I said that he should leave a more detailed message in the future if he needed something important.

 

I left after 45 minutes and he also asked if he could give me a hug but I said I wasn't comfortable with that at the time. So he just said goodbye and to call if I needed anything.

 

Well, sorry that was so long winded, if anybody has an opininon about this or the way I handled it, I'd love to hear it. I think I was strong and positive about it, I think I had to be.

 

Again, thanks to everybody for your responses, it really helped me thing about what I was doing.

 

Marz

[midori]

Dear Marzipan,

 

I just got home after a weekend away and read your earlier post. I think if I'd read it when you posted it my advice would have been to not call him, with the rationale that if it was something specific and important he would find a way to get in touch with you to convey that rather than leave vague, open-ended messages.

 

But I think you made the right choice. You would have been curious about what was up with him and it would have eaten up more of your time & energy wondering. I think the goal in getting over someone who has hurt you is to get to the point where they're not eating up any of your time and energy. So calling him was good, since you were careful to structure things in such a way that minimized the risk for you.

 

Clearly your ex was testing the waters about where he stood with you. I'd say that "friends" probably isn't all he wants. GOOD FOR YOU for not giving him any openings to unburden himself to you. Everyone has to go through their own recovery, learn their own lessons, make their own resolutions when they're coming out of a relationship. If he's only just starting his process, too bad. You're 2 1/2 months ahead of him (not to mention the several years' worth of maturity and decency you obviously had on him to begin with). You owe this guy nothing nothing nothing.

He again repeated to me that he wanted to be my friend, and how sorry he was about everything.

Wow, he's sorry. Good for him. What growth.

I don't know whether friendship is possible and I told him that. I think I have been the better person all along here, especially under the circumstances.

When pursuing friendship with an ex, I think that you have to ask yourself what, ideally, you'd like to get out of such a friendship. Friendship for its own sake is meaningless, I mean everyone likes to be able to say, "the relationship didn't work out but we're still friends" -- but you know I think that very often in that instance "friends" is just a euphemism for "non-hostile acquaintances." I've got to wonder what kind of friendship you could have with a guy who heartlessly betrayed your trust and didn't even have the courage & decency to face the blame on that front. Don't forget that your ex was in your face trying to get you to not be angry with him for dumping you for another woman. And now he seems to think that he has a shot at getting back together with you -- what incredible gall!!! He has not respected your feelings one iota. It's all well and good to say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over but if there is a "but", either explicit or implied, coming after the "I'm sorry" then the person saying it ISN'T REALLY SORRY!!!!! And he wasn't. When he broke up with you, wasn't he saying, "I'm sorry to hurt you but you know our relationship wasn't working" or something to that effect? That was an apology made at his convenience, to serve his needs, not yours. And it sounds like that's what he was doing again, with a slightly different slant. But no concern for you. That is not something one expects from a friend.

I still struggle on whatever feelings for him I may have lurking in there. It was awkward talking to him at first but I felt a lot better about myself afterward. Maybe I am weak for allowing myself to talk to him but I do think that it needed to be done once and for all.

I agree that it was good to clear the air a bit. But now that that's done I really do think that you should be done with this fellow for the time being. It seems to me that you've got to firmly close that chapter in your life with the expectation that your ex is out of your life for good. If you encounter him somewhere down the road and he seems like someone who has good things to offer you (as a friend first and foremost) then you can decide if you want to allow him to re-enter your life.

I told him if and when I was ready then I would call him. Until then I said that he should leave a more detailed message in the future if he needed something important.

Perfect. Don't give him any excuse whatsoever to try to wedge himself into even a small corner of your life. He doesn't deserve it, period.

 

Way to go Marzipan! You handled that with dignity and grace. It must have been rather gratifying to see your ex grovel a bit like that. But don't mistake that groveling for a sign that he's a changed man. He's doing what he thinks might work to get you back -- but that doesn't mean that he has any kind of meaningful appreciation of the ways he has hurt you, nor does it mean that he wouldn't turn right around and do it again -- using a different rationale perhaps, but doing it all the same! And why should a lovely person like you have to compromise herself one bit in order to give a spineless creature like him a second chance even as a friend, let alone as a boyfriend!! I find it incredible that he thinks he has a right to even ASK you to consider being his friend. After the way he treated you?!? He clearly thinks he's important & wonderful enough that you'd welcome him back into your life. Was he expecting you to say, "ah so you cheated on me and broke my heart you rascal you. I forgive you! Let's go get some drinks."

 

The complete loss of you from his life is part of the bitter lesson in front of him. If he learns from it he can emerge a better person. But that is his problem, and his alone.

 

Get a new cellphone number if you can. Screen your calls and advise your parents or roommates that should your ex call you are most certainly not available and that you'd prefer to not even be informed of his call because you certainly won't be returning it. I'm sure they'd be delighted to oblige you.

 

And take satisfaction in the knowledge that he's no longer in your life because you don't want him there. He has proved himself unworthy all around.

 

Well done, and keep it up!!!

 

-Midorie

[marzipan75]

Midori,

 

Thank you soooooo much! I really needed to hear that. Throughout the day, I began going over things in my head and started having second thoughts about what I had done. My feelings are so weird, one minute I feel so strong and then the next I feel like the biggest weakling for allowing him to even talk to me after all this. I thank you for supporting me on this because I am slowly re-learning how to trust my own instincts again. My instincts told me that talking to him whether on the phone or in person was the right thing to do. Your opinion is extremely valuable to me and I totally appreciate your input, thanks again.

 

It's weird but, I don't hate him. I'm not sure why, maybe because I still have some feelings for him (whatever they are). I was very angry with him about what he did and still get that way too but I also admit that I don't hate him. I think hate is a strong and bitter emotion and it borders on the extreme, I don't want to give into that. Thanks for talking to me about this, I realize that I have probably bored enough people on this board at times with this whole soap opera of mine. Thanks for being there with your input, it has really helped me to think about things in a different way every time.

 

Thanks for the compliment and the vote of confidence,

 

take care,

 

Marz

 

Dear Marzipan, I just got home after a weekend away and read your earlier post. I think if I'd read it when you posted it my advice would have been to not call him, with the rationale that if it was something specific and important he would find a way to get in touch with you to convey that rather than leave vague, open-ended messages.

 

But I think you made the right choice. You would have been curious about what was up with him and it would have eaten up more of your time & energy wondering. I think the goal in getting over someone who has hurt you is to get to the point where they're not eating up any of your time and energy. So calling him was good, since you were careful to structure things in such a way that minimized the risk for you. Clearly your ex was testing the waters about where he stood with you. I'd say that "friends" probably isn't all he wants. GOOD FOR YOU for not giving him any openings to unburden himself to you. Everyone has to go through their own recovery, learn their own lessons, make their own resolutions when they're coming out of a relationship. If he's only just starting his process, too bad. You're 2 1/2 months ahead of him (not to mention the several years' worth of maturity and decency you obviously had on him to begin with). You owe this guy nothing nothing nothing. Wow, he's sorry. Good for him. What growth.

 

When pursuing friendship with an ex, I think that you have to ask yourself what, ideally, you'd like to get out of such a friendship. Friendship for its own sake is meaningless, I mean everyone likes to be able to say, "the relationship didn't work out but we're still friends" -- but you know I think that very often in that instance "friends" is just a euphemism for "non-hostile acquaintances." I've got to wonder what kind of friendship you could have with a guy who heartlessly betrayed your trust and didn't even have the courage & decency to face the blame on that front. Don't forget that your ex was in your face trying to get you to not be angry with him for dumping you for another woman. And now he seems to think that he has a shot at getting back together with you -- what incredible gall!!! He has not respected your feelings one iota. It's all well and good to say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over but if there is a "but", either explicit or implied, coming after the "I'm sorry" then the person saying it ISN'T REALLY SORRY!!!!! And he wasn't. When he broke up with you, wasn't he saying, "I'm sorry to hurt you but you know our relationship wasn't working" or something to that effect? That was an apology made at his convenience, to serve his needs, not yours. And it sounds like that's what he was doing again, with a slightly different slant. But no concern for you. That is not something one expects from a friend. I agree that it was good to clear the air a bit. But now that that's done I really do think that you should be done with this fellow for the time being. It seems to me that you've got to firmly close that chapter in your life with the expectation that your ex is out of your life for good. If you encounter him somewhere down the road and he seems like someone who has good things to offer you (as a friend first and foremost) then you can decide if you want to allow him to re-enter your life. Perfect. Don't give him any excuse whatsoever to try to wedge himself into even a small corner of your life. He doesn't deserve it, period. Way to go Marzipan! You handled that with dignity and grace. It must have been rather gratifying to see your ex grovel a bit like that. But don't mistake that groveling for a sign that he's a changed man. He's doing what he thinks might work to get you back -- but that doesn't mean that he has any kind of meaningful appreciation of the ways he has hurt you, nor does it mean that he wouldn't turn right around and do it again -- using a different rationale perhaps, but doing it all the same! And why should a lovely person like you have to compromise herself one bit in order to give a spineless creature like him a second chance even as a friend, let alone as a boyfriend!! I find it incredible that he thinks he has a right to even ASK you to consider being his friend. After the way he treated you?!? He clearly thinks he's important & wonderful enough that you'd welcome him back into your life. Was he expecting you to say, "ah so you cheated on me and broke my heart you rascal you. I forgive you! Let's go get some drinks." The complete loss of you from his life is part of the bitter lesson in front of him. If he learns from it he can emerge a better person. But that is his problem, and his alone. Get a new cellphone number if you can. Screen your calls and advise your parents or roommates that should your ex call you are most certainly not available and that you'd prefer to not even be informed of his call because you certainly won't be returning it. I'm sure they'd be delighted to oblige you. And take satisfaction in the knowledge that he's no longer in your life because you don't want him there. He has proved himself unworthy all around. Well done, and keep it up!!! -Midorie