stockmos Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I want to leave my live-in partner of 7 years. I personally feel as if I have mentally "checked out." I am also involved with someone else (shame on me but please don't judge). However, whenever I try to talk she ends in floods of tears. She says I talk in riddles, have broken promises to her, that she is frightened, that I was always her "rock" etc. And this is without her even knowing about the OW. When I tried to talk to her yesterday, she had a panic attack, ended up crawling on the floor in total hysterics (I thiought she was having a heart attack for a moment), then hysterically told me to pack my bags and threw some of my clothes all over the room. After I managed to calm her down, she was in tears on and off all yesterday and this morning. She said she was absolutely exhausted and almost unable to go to work, and that she is so frightened. She says history is repeating itself because she was divorced 10 years ago when her husband left her. And that she cannot cope with that again. If it is like this now, what is it going to be like if I say I am leaving? I can never even get that far because she becomes so hysterical. I have been advised elsewhere to come clean about the OW, but I honestly feel that if I did that she would have a complete nervous collapse, possibly even die. I know I am not perfect, but I cannot go on like this. I feel completely trapped. Naturally I still care for her. Seeing her hurt and hysterical makes me beyond devastated. This is my definition of hell. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 .....then hysterically told me to pack my bags and threw some of my clothes all over the room. There was your opportunity, too bad you didn't take it. You say you have mentally "checked out", now you need to emotionally check out and recognise her behaviour for what it is, which is passive-aggressive manipulation. And it works. You're still with her. It sounds to me like this woman has some fairly serious emotional issues which can't all stem from relationship problems. She needs to seek help and you sticking around because of emotional blackmail isn't helping. If anything it is only making matters worse. She knows you've left the relationship already. She probably suspects and/or knows you're having an affair too. She survived the divorce, no doubt she'll live through this separation as well. Contact a close friend or family member of hers, tell them of your concerns and her behaviour & ask them to be there for her on the day when you've finally got the nerve to pack your bags & leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stockmos Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 Thanks for an absolutely brilliant and insightful reply. Yes, I thought of your first sentence too, with hindsight Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 You're welcome - & thank you for the feedback. Sometimes I think I come across as too harsh. Hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tr1xyblu3 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Hi. Just read about your break up and I am going trhough the exact same thing. I have been with my partner for 12 years. I am 28 and he is 39, so I think mentally I have changed anyway. My partner is always working away and I have met someone else - who I have decided I want to be with. My Partner however, is abroad and it is doing his head in not being able to discuss this with me. He keeps talking as if we are going to sort this out and everything will be ok, but it wont. He is going through a nervous breakdown because of all this and that upsets me and hurts because I do still care and love him, but I am not inlove with him. How do I make him understand that I dont love him anymore? why does he want to be with me when I dont love him? He wants to see a marriage councillor, but it is him that wants to save the marriage and not me.] Link to post Share on other sites
ehead Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 This sounds like one of my ex girlfriends. The emotional hystrionics she would throw at me were absolutely spine-tingling. She deserved a black belt in emotional manipulation. She threatened suicide. She actually stalked me. It took almost a year to break up with her. By putting up with this crap we are truly just as guilty as them. I bet you are a very sensitive and caring person, like me. You probably are not the strongest person emotionaly either, and I bet you have just the slightest lingering doubts about leaving her. They can sense this and take advantage of it, believe me. Ultimately, I had to move across the country, as ridiculous as that sounds. I didn't have the emotional strength to do it any other way. If I had to do it all over again, I would have contacted a friend or family member, as another poster suggested, and tell them the bad news when I could be certain they have a support system there. Whatever you do don't let this go on and on. They will call you back up, and try to restart things. She will try and destroy your relationship with this other woman out of anger and revenge. She will use every means possible to manipulate you into screwing up this other relationship. Sometimes I believe people like this must be agents of the devil. Do something about this now, before you end up hating her living guts. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Other people's feelings are their responsibility, not ours. You've got enough to do to attend to your own feelings of guilt. But she is responsible for her feelings; you are not. You're trying to escape your own guilt by focusing on the possibility of her "breakdown." Get her support system alerted and get on with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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