fiance has social anxiety

[ponder24]

Hello there- Soo well my fiance of almost 5 yrs has admitted to me he has social anxiety. He has hidden it from me in the past-it is not so severe that anyone would really notice. I have known socially he doesn't always feel comfortable but it has never been an outright problem/discussion. Just recently however it has either gotten worse,,,or maybe it is that he feels comfortable enough to have told me. It happens right when we ae either getting ready to go out,,,or before people are coming over. He gets a stomach ache/nausea and then it turns into a bad headache....and he just can't get a grip of it. It will eventually fade. It is just so hard to A) see him like this. B)understand where he is coming from. I am or should I say used to be very social. I have no problems what so ever talking to anyone,,people just seem to flock to me,,,so like I said we are opposite in that aspect. Unfortuntley I think maybe his social anxiety maybe rubs off on our social life in general,,,we really don't go out much/I feel like 'friends' are no longer a big part of my life.....it is probably for the better,,since we need to save $, going out is expensive,,but I kinda miss it. When he gets this way though,,it makes me feel really nervous too,,,like I feel uneasy knowing he feels this way. I want him to be confident,,,and I want him to think no one else out there is better than he is,. He is very attractive,,but he is not happy with his physique,,and I think this just adds to his anxiety-he is constantly aware of his physical self when he is around others. I don't know-anyone have suggestions on what I can say to him to maybe help him out- doesn't seem like I can help him??

[bluechocolate]

You can't really help him, though being in a relationship usually resolves some social anxiety. You can however be understanding, which it sounds like you are.

 

There are plenty of successful methods for dealing with this kind of problem. Maybe the two of you should read up about different therapies and/or talk to some therapists? Especially as you say you find it difficult to know where he is coming from. Maybe he's told you about this now because it is finally time that he did something serious about trying to overcome this anxiety.

 

He is very attractive,,but he is not happy with his physique,,and I think this just adds to his anxiety-he is constantly aware of his physical self when he is around others.

 

One of the first things you can do without any outside help is work on that. Join a gym as a couple & get him to work on those aspects of his physique that bother him. Being & feeling physically fit can be a great boost to someones ego & confidence.

[Spleen]

I've got social anxiety too, and it sucks. It's a lot of torture and anguish, and we can't help it. But there's hope. I've improved a LOT on my own and I believe others can, too. I have also considered therapy/counseling but haven't gone... the way they usually treat people like us is in a group setting, with others who also have social phobia or social anxiety. So that's an option.

 

I used to be so bad though... I wouldn't speak to anyone, I'd avoid eye contact and I'd be so nervous interacting with anyone. I still have trouble with some things... even walking into the office, it's scary for me to do something as simple as saying hi to the receptionist. It's absolutely terrifying. But that's because it's a phobia... an irrational fear. I force myself to speak up sometimes, and it helps.

 

I'd recommend reading up on it... buy a book or two, and he would probably benefit from reading more about it, as well. After I read a couple books on it, I felt more confident and able to deal with certain things. There are also websites with some good information that could help.

[whichwayisup]

Ask him if he's willing to go the therapy. To talk to someone about his fears and learn how to control the anxiety. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

 

I suffer from an anxiety disorder so I know alot about this subject. I know all about denying it, hiding it, pretending all is OK when infact, it isn't. I'm sure he was embarressed and ashamed to say anything because of the stigma attached to this sort of thing.

 

He is showing classic signs of anxious moments which build up into a panic attack.

 

This isn't easy for him, nor I'm sure is it for you...I know you don't understand but look at it this way - It isn't his fault, it's uncontrollable right now for him. I bet he'd LOVE to see his friends, GO out and do stuff - But once that anxiety takes over, it changes everything! The way you think, feel and act. All I can say is, support him, listen to him and most of all, just tell him it will be okay. He's okay and that you're standing by him.

 

Definately talk to him about doing the CBT therapy. It does work! Feel free to ask me anything about this, I don't mind. I understand exactly what your guy is going through, and I also can sympathize with you as well. My husband doesn't have anxiety, so sometimes it's hard for him to understand. Though he is so supportive and understanding.

[PYT]

Cbt is really great and I just wanted to second what WWisup already said. If he does not want to go into therapy you can tell him that cbt is not like traditional therapy and have him do some reading up on it. I hope you can get him to give it a try.