The great thing about this site (and Tony)

[midori]

is that you can always expect direct, straightforward answers. The people who post here have no reason to be anything but honest. We're not going to run into each other at the office tomorrow or at someone's party next weekend, or at the family dinner table on Sunday, so we don't have to mince our words or coddle each other's delusions.

 

The first time I posted on this site was because I had a dilemma that was eating me up night and day, but I couldn't find a way out of it, and I'd been talking to my friends and family about it for far too long. I was embarrassed to burden them further and I knew that their takes on my situation were colored by their relationships with me. When I brought up my problem here it was because I wanted to hear some realistic, detached perspectives -- and I got them.

 

Tony needs no one to defend him, as his articulate words speak for themselves. Having read the past couple of days' postings I can see that some people have been offended by some of what Tony has written. I'm sticking my nose in just to say that I can understand how one might be taken aback by the vehemence or sarcasm that some of Tony's posts contain (I was when he responded to my first posting). But I have never once read a flippant or thoughtless, let alone ill-intentioned, response from Tony to a genuine problem posted by a sincere person (the silly gibberish posted by some of the people here is another story, but often Tony's the only one who even bothers to respond to those).

 

When I posted my problem I read with interest what other people said to me , I considered the points they made, and if I found that they didn't really apply to my situation I disregarded them. I'm sure that in responding to other people I have misunderstood some situations and thus the observations and advice I offered were way off base. I'm also sure that I have offered perspectives to people who have very different values and beliefs from my own so that there too my advice wasn't very useful to the addressee. But my posts are always honest and I think it's clear to anyone who has read his postings that Tony's are too. This site is a forum for the kind of honesty that disembodied, anonymous strangers can offer each other. That honesty sometimes takes the form of constructive criticism -- which is why we're here, isn't it?

 

If Tony's or anyone else's words jar are jarring, why not think about why you're so sensitive about a particular point, or why you were looking for a particular kind of feedback to your query? You might discover that you're working with assumptions you weren't even aware of, or that you weren't acknowledging your true agenda in your dilemma. That's what happened with me. And if you decide in the end that a given response is irrelevant, well at least the person who responded took the time to give your probelm their attention and consideration, and that ought to make you feel good even if you can't use their advice.

[Dragonflys]

Hey Tony!

 

Just having a lend of ya, you are great!

 

Time for bed for me though

 

zzzzz

 

Oliver

[Tony T]

Thank you for your wisdom.

 

For the most part, people who come here appreciate straightforwardness. FATCHICK was offended, not at what I had written to her, but with what I had written to Jamie...who was concerned about how he should approach his wife about losing weight. The reply to Jamie is what FATCHICK allowed to offend her.

 

One thing I have learned from posting on LoveShack is that I have absolutely NO control whatsoever on how people process the data they read. They must completely own their feelings. If someone choses to be offended, that says much more about the person making the choice of how they are going to feel than the person who wrote the words.

 

It's very frustrating to try to get points across to someone at times because I can't be right there to explain myself and to have a two-way dialogue. It is often very necessary to use strong language to make sure the points are well understood. People normally only want to hear what they want to or pick up from posts what they want to believe. It's refreshing when I learn there are some who actually want to hear the hard, cold facts of their situation. That's the only way they can be helped.

 

Lastly, it is very frustrating that I answer some posts and then the person comes back with new details they forgot that changes the entire story. I usually don't post to those again. I also always avoid very lengthy posts.

 

Again, thank you for the profound and concise way you addressed these issues.

[Tony T]

Hey Tony! Just having a lend of ya, you are great!

 

Time for bed for me though zzzzz Oliver