Married Man Scenario

[For You I Will]

Ok. Well, Iam 23 years old & Im seeing my manager from work, who is 31. I just recently started this relationship & Im very confused. For one, he is married, has a young child & he is my manager. Employees & managers are not supposed to do anything together outside of work. However, he is not affected by this rule & we even go out to bars w/ other employees & everyone else witnesses how we act together. Even though he is married, their relationship has been over for a long time now. His wife has affairs & he is well aware of this. He confronts her, yet she denies it. She is figuratively mean to him & is always yelling. He sleeps on the couch & never wants to be around her. Anybody's question would be "Why don't you get a divorce?" Well, his reply is that "it is what it is." He doesnt want to do that to his daugher. He had a difficult childhood & wants the opposite for her. He had a gf for 3 months, but ended it w/ her b/c she became very mean & bitter. He says that his wife is used to the fact of him always being there & how she takes him for granted & is always in a bad mood. He finally yelled at her the other day, & told her to leave him alone. She calls sometimes when we're together & will leave 10 messages. I love when we are together & nobody has ever made me feel this way. He's very gentle. I know Iam a stupid girl & that we should just end it. I just like spending time w/him, as he enjoys it as well. I think I could fall in love w/him if we keep seeing eachother. I know im wrong. I need some advice!!

~FallingHard

[scarletletter]

Sounds like a terribal situation for him at home. I am in the same situation in my so-called marriage. It isn't always so easy to get out of a bad marriage. There are many things to consider first. It has to be handled with kid gloves. In my opinion, I would never encourage anyone else to be in a relationship with a MM even though I am in one myself. The love is intense, the passion is through the roof and I know all about how special they can make you feel. I'm sorry that I got into mine now but I am truly in love with a man that I cannot call my own at this time. It's a sad song, but one that I chose. In your case, despite he's married, he is your boss too. A deadly combination. I hope you are not in too deep that you cannot get out if you need to. Find out more about his wife other that what he tells you. Men will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. Funny...I should take my own advice!!!

[My_Other_I]

Ok. Well, Iam 23 years old & Im seeing my manager from work, who is 31.

That's bad right here. No good happy ending in sight.

 

I just recently started this relationship & Im very confused. For one, he is married, has a young child & he is my manager. Employees & managers are not supposed to do anything together outside of work. However, he is not affected by this rule & we even go out to bars w/ other employees & everyone else witnesses how we act together.

That's not good either. First of all, why did you decide to go out with a married man? Second - does he realize that at this point he has already lost his job? That must be SOME TRUST in his employees and co-workers to do that! You two are putting everyone into a very uncomfortable situation.

 

Even though he is married, their relationship has been over for a long time now. His wife has affairs & he is well aware of this. He confronts her, yet she denies it. She is figuratively mean to him & is always yelling. He sleeps on the couch & never wants to be around her. Anybody's question would be "Why don't you get a divorce?" Well, his reply is that "it is what it is."

Perfect answer. Very typical. And you know all that for a fact or because he told you that?

He doesnt want to do that to his daugher. He had a difficult childhood & wants the opposite for her.

By remaining in a disfuctional relationship and family he is doing just that to his daughter. She will see cheating, disrespect and betrayal and will take that as her values in relationship. How healthy and happy is that?

He had a gf for 3 months, but ended it w/ her b/c she became very mean & bitter. He says that his wife is used to the fact of him always being there & how she takes him for granted & is always in a bad mood. He finally yelled at her the other day, & told her to leave him alone. She calls sometimes when we're together & will leave 10 messages.

Again...is that what he tells you? A wife who doesn't care doesn't call 10x wondering of her husbands whereabouts. I seriously doubt he is telling you the truth.

I love when we are together & nobody has ever made me feel this way. He's very gentle. I know Iam a stupid girl & that we should just end it. I just like spending time w/him, as he enjoys it as well. I think I could fall in love w/him if we keep seeing eachother. I know im wrong. I need some advice!!

~FallingHard

You know what to do here, girl. Do yourself and his family a favor and read throught OW and infidelity threads. Hopefully the ever-present pain of all participants in A will open your eyes. Your thinking is selfish and you probably have some emotional voids and issues you are trying to avoid and fill with someone else. Remember that noone can make you happy but you.

 

Walk with pride and dignity. Can you walk with pride and dignity next to your married man? What future do you see coming out of this situation? I see deception, betrayal, unemployment and broken hearts. What about you?

[erika2610]

Ok. Well, Iam 23 years old & Im seeing my manager from work, who is 31. I just recently started this relationship & Im very confused. For one, he is married, has a young child & he is my manager. Employees & managers are not supposed to do anything together outside of work. However, he is not affected by this rule & we even go out to bars w/ other employees & everyone else witnesses how we act together. Even though he is married, their relationship has been over for a long time now. His wife has affairs & he is well aware of this. He confronts her, yet she denies it. She is figuratively mean to him & is always yelling. He sleeps on the couch & never wants to be around her. Anybody's question would be "Why don't you get a divorce?" Well, his reply is that "it is what it is." He doesnt want to do that to his daugher. He had a difficult childhood & wants the opposite for her. He had a gf for 3 months, but ended it w/ her b/c she became very mean & bitter. He says that his wife is used to the fact of him always being there & how she takes him for granted & is always in a bad mood. He finally yelled at her the other day, & told her to leave him alone. She calls sometimes when we're together & will leave 10 messages. I love when we are together & nobody has ever made me feel this way. He's very gentle. I know Iam a stupid girl & that we should just end it. I just like spending time w/him, as he enjoys it as well. I think I could fall in love w/him if we keep seeing eachother. I know im wrong. I need some advice!!

~FallingHard

 

Not good at all.. but you know that I was with my MM for a lil over a year. I worked with him. It wasn't something I planned.. I thought I would never be an OW. But it just happened. I can't even explain to you the pain & heartache you will go through. MM are master manipulators. They lie so well. And they all seem to say the same thing. I got all the lines.. 'We don't even sleep in the same bed, I'm only with her for the kids, we're basically just roommates, she's only with me for my money'.. And of course 'She's a b!tch'. I met her.. she was the sweetest woman. I went through so much heartache. My family was on the verge of disowning me. It did nothing but cause problems at work. People found out & started calling her trying to tell her what was going on. My advice - walk away before you get in too deep. The longer you're with him, the worse it'll be. Plus, if found out, the 2 of you might possibly lose your jobs. It's just not worth it, it really isn't. Go browse this forum - there are tons of posts from girls who are just wrecked over the whole thing. girls who have invested 3 to 5 years with him, only for there worlds to come crashing down when it's over. And were his W ever to find out, of course he'll blame it all on you. I had $1000 worth of damage done to my car when she found out. Again, it's just not worth it.

[My_Other_I]

I met her.. she was the sweetest woman.

vs.

I had $1000 worth of damage done to my car when she found out. Again, it's just not worth it.

 

:lmao:

 

Watch out for woman scorned!

[For You I Will]

"My Other I",

 

 

Sorry that you feel all that. Thanks for the advice, but it hasn't made me feel any better. I feel like badly about it already, I dont need anybody making me feel worse than I already am. I know what Im doing is beyond wrong. But, can someone help what they feel? I know I cant, & im sure there are other women that support me on that. When someone is having a bad marriage, what should you do? Just because he is my manager, I will not allow that to affect my employment. There is a lot of trust between co-workers. We are all very close & they all know about his situation at home. I am not defending him, Im just trying to speak my feelings. Regardless the situation, being w/ a married is adultry. If there is no future for us, then why do I continue on this path? Why do I think maybe, just maybe, things will turn out just the way we planned?? Maybe I should just say that this wont mean a thing tomoro & thats exactly how Ill make it seem.

[My_Other_I]

Sorry if it came across that way. Iwasn't trying to make you feel bad, I was pointing out the obvious and hoping that it might help you to make your decision.

I was the OW, I am not here to judge or bash. But when you are in the 'bubble' it's hard to see the obvious. Just answer yourself some of the questions I asked and YOU CHOOSE and DECIDE if it's worth to you.

Good luck!

[For You I Will]

Iam sorry.. what is an OW?

[My_Other_I]

Other Woman. I was in a relationship with a married guy.

[For You I Will]

Its funny.. i left him a voice message tonight... A text lastnight.. & he still hasn't called me back. Extremely fun=( ... I called him at work.. he was off at 10, he answered.. & i hung up. When I see him, I cant wait for what he says.. Ill definitley inform you guys.. Im just upset & disgusted that he hasn't called me back..ya know??? I know exactly what i have to do... SCREW HIM!!! Married Men Suck!!! Im sooo upset=( ttyeveryone soon....xo

[erika2610]

"My Other I",

 

 

Sorry that you feel all that. Thanks for the advice, but it hasn't made me feel any better. I feel like badly about it already, I dont need anybody making me feel worse than I already am. I know what Im doing is beyond wrong. But, can someone help what they feel? I know I cant, & im sure there are other women that support me on that. When someone is having a bad marriage, what should you do? Just because he is my manager, I will not allow that to affect my employment. There is a lot of trust between co-workers. We are all very close & they all know about his situation at home. I am not defending him, Im just trying to speak my feelings. Regardless the situation, being w/ a married is adultry. If there is no future for us, then why do I continue on this path? Why do I think maybe, just maybe, things will turn out just the way we planned?? Maybe I should just say that this wont mean a thing tomoro & thats exactly how Ill make it seem.

 

There are alot of girls who do agree with the fact that you can't help your feelings for someone.. but alot of girls who will also tell you to walk away. As I said, the longer you let it go on, the more hurt you will be. Plus, number one - they're all in 'bad marriages'.. and secondly, you say it will not affect your employment.. but 9 times out of 10, it does.. especially when it's over.

[newbby]

what do you want from this relationship?

 

most women, want more, but feel that they would be unfair to ask that of him, considering he is trying to be there for his children. he is trying to be a good father to his daughter, and he will not leave his wife, he has already told you this....

 

there will never be a time, that is a good time to leave. childhood, teens, university, weddings, grandchildren......

 

still, you have some choices.....

 

you can either:

1)stand firm, and settle for nothing less than a committed, exclusive relationship,

2)leave...

3)see the relationship for what it is (an affair only) and be happy with it

 

choice 1 would require a period of nc, after letting him know what you want, if he does not return, you are automatically left with choice 2, which isnt a bad choice at all.

choice 2, of course requires nc

taking into account the fact you work together, choices 1 & 2, either require a change of job, or extreme willpower.

choice 3, requires acceptance, of the situation as it is now. that is, a realisation that it will not progress, and may die out at some point. it requires you to get rid of any romantic notions, of you two having a future together.

 

so you do have a few choices...and none of them are really bad, none of them require you to question him, only to decide what it is that you want, therefore you are in complete control.

[lolax]

Its funny.. i left him a voice message tonight... A text lastnight.. & he still hasn't called me back. Extremely fun=( ... I called him at work.. he was off at 10, he answered.. & i hung up. When I see him, I cant wait for what he says.. Ill definitley inform you guys.. Im just upset & disgusted that he hasn't called me back..ya know??? I know exactly what i have to do... SCREW HIM!!! Married Men Suck!!! Im sooo upset=( ttyeveryone soon....xo

yes i know exactly what you men...how awful is it when they dont call or dont text back...isnt it awful,,,,i know been there!!

best thing to do is blow him out b4 you get too involved, easy for mr to say i cant....been 6 months now

good luck hun x:o

[No Stress Lady]

what do you want from this relationship?

 

most women, want more, but feel that they would be unfair to ask that of him, considering he is trying to be there for his children. he is trying to be a good father to his daughter, and he will not leave his wife, he has already told you this....

 

there will never be a time, that is a good time to leave. childhood, teens, university, weddings, grandchildren......

 

still, you have some choices.....

 

you can either:

1)stand firm, and settle for nothing less than a committed, exclusive relationship,

2)leave...

3)see the relationship for what it is (an affair only) and be happy with it

 

choice 1 would require a period of nc, after letting him know what you want, if he does not return, you are automatically left with choice 2, which isnt a bad choice at all.

choice 2, of course requires nc

taking into account the fact you work together, choices 1 & 2, either require a change of job, or extreme willpower.

choice 3, requires acceptance, of the situation as it is now. that is, a realisation that it will not progress, and may die out at some point. it requires you to get rid of any romantic notions, of you two having a future together.

 

so you do have a few choices...and none of them are really bad, none of them require you to question him, only to decide what it is that you want, therefore you are in complete control.

 

 

Well said Newbby.

 

 

Please also read Veronese's post on "Cakeman" thread started by Zoey

[cal gal]

Veronese always has wonderful things to say about this topic - and Lady Jane - and last but not least LucriziaBorgesa (I think I'm spelling it wrong)

 

Oooh men - Owl is great and Craig and those are just a few off of the top of my little pea brain.

 

anyway LB is gifted and one of the most insightful and cut to the chase kinda gals I have seen in a lot of years. I always looks for her advice even if it doesn't pertain to me just because she is extremely bright.

[For You I Will]

Hey all. I just read that "cakemen" article. How true is that?! & Thanks Newbby for that bit of advice. I think, for now, Im just gonna have to accept the facts. I dont know what will happen if I persue this & continue. I know I could never blatantly stopped this, just b/c when we see eachother at work & we get off, i know we'll go out.. have a few drinks...etc. Even though his wife has affairs, I feel ashamed. I don't know what hurts more.. the guilty ashamed feelings, or the fact that I cant have him as my own???

I feel like I like the "secrets." I know, thats crazy.. im so not normal!! & its not really that its a secret either. Employees see what we do! I really dont know what it is. Im still tring to figure it out, finding who I really am & why I like this life. But now, Im seeing a mm w/ almost 10 yrs difference in age... Lets see.. we work together, hes older, & he's married.. Boy, why do I get myself in these situations?!!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hey all. I just read that "cakemen" article. How true is that?!

 

Hi! I think it is safe to assume that it is true 95% of the time. Married men are very comfortable. Heck, take a look at my husband. He's let himself go completely because he likes the way our marriage is going. Cakeman will undoubtely keep up with his looks, but he won't leave the comfort of his home.

 

I dont know what will happen if I persue this & continue.

 

I can tell you that your heart will be broken and you will end up feeling worthless. If you love yourself, you will leave this cakeman. (You are probably not convinced that he is such at this point, but you will when he constantly lets you down, when he won't be there for you during important days.

 

I don't know what hurts more.. the guilty ashamed feelings, or the fact that I cant have him as my own???

I feel like I like the "secrets." I know, thats crazy.. im so not normal!! & its not really that its a secret either. Employees see what we do! I really dont know what it is. Im still tring to figure it out, finding who I really am & why I like this life. But now, Im seeing a mm w/ almost 10 yrs difference in age... Lets see.. we work together, hes older, & he's married.. Boy, why do I get myself in these situations?!!

 

You are fantasizing here.... This is a very NORMAL process when you start a relationship with a MM. You don't want to be real. You don't want to leave because that would require that you admit to yourself that you have issues. You are not ready to deal with your issues.... I know because I have been there... involved with an MM. I love my MM enough to let him go. I want him to stay in his marriage because I know what he would lose if he chooses me, which is EVERYTHING (and I am not exaggerating). He is used to a wealthy lifestyle, and so am I. I don't mean to sound like I care about the money more than the relationship, but I am not ready to give up my lifestyle. (My MM is also a very, very dear friend whom I definitely don't want to lose.)

 

I guess what you need to ASK YOURSELF is this:

1. Are you ready to live the life of an OW? Being in the shadow, waiting for him, wanting him to love you more, and trying to ignore the fact that he has a legitimate relationship with another woman? (This is like knowing your BF is cheating on you and being OK with it.)

2. Why do you settle for an "unreal" relationship? (I know that the "unreal" part is the allure.) Why don't you think that you deserve more?

3. Would you want to marry him after he has divorced his wife? This was a tough one for me. But I can honestly say now that I won't want him if he were to divorce his wife. It would show how spineless he was to his wife, and I cannot live with that character flaw. If your MM is cheating with you now, try to imagine how you would feel when you become HIS wife. Do you actually want to feel that way about your husband? Don't you want to believe that he only wants you? The old adage, once a cheater, always a cheater, rings true to me. And how good can his integrity be if he is sleeping with a woman 10 years his junior? (You may not care about a man's integrity at your age, but when you have several kids of your own, you will CARE. A man who lacks integrity can never be a good father.)

 

Good luck. I wish you the best. I really do understand how you feel right now. You like the attention and the sex. But aren't you worth more?

[cal gal]

Great post KHLF.

 

You are right on target. I especially love what you said about a man with no integrity could never be a good father -

 

My feeling is or a good husband either...

[For You I Will]

Thanks for the advice...KHLF

 

It is like a fantasy for me & I should deserve more. Your words helped me understand a little better. So it goes.....

[erika2610]

Hey all. I just read that "cakemen" article. How true is that?! & Thanks Newbby for that bit of advice. I think, for now, Im just gonna have to accept the facts. I dont know what will happen if I persue this & continue. I know I could never blatantly stopped this, just b/c when we see eachother at work & we get off, i know we'll go out.. have a few drinks...etc. Even though his wife has affairs, I feel ashamed. I don't know what hurts more.. the guilty ashamed feelings, or the fact that I cant have him as my own???

I feel like I like the "secrets." I know, thats crazy.. im so not normal!! & its not really that its a secret either. Employees see what we do! I really dont know what it is. Im still tring to figure it out, finding who I really am & why I like this life. But now, Im seeing a mm w/ almost 10 yrs difference in age... Lets see.. we work together, hes older, & he's married.. Boy, why do I get myself in these situations?!!

 

What will happen is, you'll get your heart broken. You'll end up in alot of pain. I know when I look back at my relationship, I feel like a fool thinking I was used for sex. Take it from me, I worked with my MM also.. it was not a good situation for anybody involved. Maybe everybody very uncomfortable. especially when we broke up. Go read up on RedRose1973, and her ordeal. She also works with her MM, and read about the pain she's going through. Then ask yourself.. is it really worth it? Have you read through other posts here about the pain we go through?

[For You I Will]

I love reading all your responses & reactions. Thanks a lot Many of you are in the same situation as me, & I think I know what I have to do. Its just.. will I do it?? Im gonna have to make that decision on my own.

 

On another note- I got my car fixed today, & the mechanic flirts w/me everytime I go there. Since this was my last visit w/him, I was keeping my options open & foolishy thinking maybe we could go out to dinner or something. As I was leaving he said, "Well, you probably live w/someone or married." I said NO.. nothing like that at all. Then he said, "Well, Iam.. but that doesn't matter." I just shook my head in disbelief & was SO shocked. Of course, my luck!! I attract all the married men!! Whats wrong w/me?! Jokingly, but stern, I said.. "No.. stay away from me!!" I couldn't even start thinking what were to happen if I said "Yea, lets go out!" But.. its ok.. I will find someone that ISN'T Taken by another woman... one day.

 

**Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else**

[Sami_D]

When someone is having a bad marriage, what should you do?

 

You do nothing. It's his problem. Can't he sort it out for himself..? Why not? He's such a big baby he can't work out how to get divorced?

 

Don't get sucked in because of your 'poor him' reaction. It's not your job to make his life easier, at the expense of your own LIFE with someone who can give you more than this.

[For You I Will]

Has anyones MM say to them "yea, call me then at (so & so time)." & then you call them.. & their phone is off??

[cal gal]

Has anyones MM say to them "yea, call me then at (so & so time)." & then you call them.. & their phone is off??

 

 

He's married!!!!! and busy with wifey pooooo He doesn't want to get caught with you calling him!

 

This is the life you would need to get used to for an everyday event.

 

Is this how you want to LIVE?

[For You I Will]

Please, knock some sense in me!! I know hes w/wifey poo... BUT, I talked to him today ( HE ANSWERED) & we we're gonna go out.. but then he shut his phone off.. that is b/c his wife was there??? Definitley?? Stupid me is thinking... "he doesn't want me!" How pathetic.... What do you think?