Hey Tony

[Dee]

Let me tell you about my problem. I would love to hear what do you have to say regarding this. I am currently dating a girl, who is around my age, slightly younger than myself.

 

At times when we are together, it seems we are affectionate towards each other, and those are the times when I can tell that I do have feelings for her, at least it seems that way. However, when we are apart, I don't know about her, but I do not really miss her and to tell you the truth, I could go on for weeks without seeing her and not missing her at all.

 

These are the times when I doubt my feelings for her. I am confused a great deal, because I do not know what feelings are genuine and which ones are fake. How do I know whether I love her or not???

 

Sincerely yours,

 

Dee

[Tony T]

You may not miss her because you are very confident in your feelings for yourself. You may not need someone close at hand to feel complete. Of greater possibility is that your emotional make-up is such that you keep some distance between people you see because of past hurt, as a cushion so you preempt possible future pain.

 

My second guess is you really care for this lady and if you were told you would never see her again, you would be deeply saddened and perhaps devastated. The fact that you know you will eventually see her again gives you a measure of comfort that you are not permanently separated from your love and that gives you the separation you need to ensure you don't get close enough to establish the type of bond that could result in severe pain if broken.

 

A third possiblity is that she simply isn't the one for you. I think that once you meet someone who really lights your fire, you want to be around her as much as possible and you do miss her when she's not around.

 

There are people who are not capable of that kind of very close love because of chaotic and hurtful past experiences and you may be one of them. Given time you will heal and you will one day find someone who you will truly miss during separation. It could evolve with the lady you're with or it could be with someone else.

 

Please give others on this forum a chance to reply to your posts. There are a number of great people who stop by who can offer you other perspectives that I may have missed...and some may even have gone through what you are going through. By addressing a post specifically to me, you do yourself a grave disservice.

[BeenThere]

Bravo Tony!

You may not miss her because you are very confident in your feelings for yourself. You may not need someone close at hand to feel complete. Of greater possibility is that your emotional make-up is such that you keep some distance between people you see because of past hurt, as a cushion so you preempt possible future pain. My second guess is you really care for this lady and if you were told you would never see her again, you would be deeply saddened and perhaps devastated. The fact that you know you will eventually see her again gives you a measure of comfort that you are not permanently separated from your love and that gives you the separation you need to ensure you don't get close enough to establish the type of bond that could result in severe pain if broken. A third possiblity is that she simply isn't the one for you. I think that once you meet someone who really lights your fire, you want to be around her as much as possible and you do miss her when she's not around. There are people who are not capable of that kind of very close love because of chaotic and hurtful past experiences and you may be one of them. Given time you will heal and you will one day find someone who you will truly miss during separation. It could evolve with the lady you're with or it could be with someone else. Please give others on this forum a chance to reply to your posts. There are a number of great people who stop by who can offer you other perspectives that I may have missed...and some may even have gone through what you are going through. By addressing a post specifically to me, you do yourself a grave disservice.

[Lauren]

There could be a couple of reasons for your feelings. I've read Tony's post and have to agree with his assessment. Your post uses "at times" and "it seems" regarding your feelings toward this girl and your feelings regarding this relationship. I would suggest paying closer attention to what is really going on "at times" and when "it seems". If you truly are unsure of your true feeling for this girl, then just take your time. If you are getting mixed signals from her, try to clarify in a way that is comfortable for both of you. Perhaps investigating your feelings will not only get you some answers, but her as well! That exchange and other viewpoint will also help your position. Either way you will win because you will learn something about yourself.

 

Let me tell you about my problem. I would love to hear what do you have to say regarding this. I am currently dating a girl, who is around my age, slightly younger than myself. At times when we are together, it seems we are affectionate towards each other, and those are the times when I can tell that I do have feelings for her, at least it seems that way. However, when we are apart, I don't know about her, but I do not really miss her and to tell you the truth, I could go on for weeks without seeing her and not missing her at all. These are the times when I doubt my feelings for her. I am confused a great deal, because I do not know what feelings are genuine and which ones are fake. How do I know whether I love her or not??? Sincerely yours, Dee