Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 I posted this orignially as a reply to another post, but it didn't appear to work so her it goes, I have had two sexual partners total, my current partner is my fiance and she is mostly a very caring partner and a good companion. But I have to say I am not totally happy with the relationship. There are a few problems that really bug me and I don't know if it is directly related to the problems (and me being unhappy) we have but I get these feelings of anger and jealousy because she explored her sexual side ALOT more than I did before we got together. I guess anyone reading this would say that I am not ready for a committed relationship but I always felt like that was what I wanted, which is why I had did alot of screening before I dated anyone. Ended up dating very few prople and had only two sexual partners. She has always been pretty jealous and felt innadequate because she has a very negative self image. In october she tried to kill herself with a bunch of pills over a fight we had where I had broken up with her and taken her back. Since then I have felt kind of like I am trapped in this relationship even though I don't want to leave her I know I couldn't If I did. Anyway forward to the new problem the other night at a party a girl that I have known for a while kissed me and I kissed back, and there was a little groping involed. A couple of hours before she kissed me she snuck up behind me and reched around and bit me on my shoulder (she did this twice, so I have two nice bite marks that I had to explain to my fiance). I told my fiance about her biting me but not about the kissing. She suspects that more happened because she knows the girl is a total slut and will do anything that moves, I really don't think she beleives me. I really don't know what to do. If I tell her she will leave me, or worse. If I don't tell her I am keeping a secret that she has a right to know about if she is going to marry me in september. I am really just a horrible person for doing this I love her soo soo much. And I really feel like even with the problems I think that there has been improvement in our relationship and I will eventually be happier with her. If anyone has input on this subject please help me out because I really can't talk to anyone I know about it because I basically don't want anyone that I know to know that I am such a bastard. Link to post Share on other sites
rustysquirrel Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 I think you need to tell her the truth. I know you said if you do she will leave you, but if she really loves you, she will also trust you, and if she does trust you, she deserves for her trust not to be based on deception. Also, you deserve someone with whom you can be honest about your failings and, in this case, it doesn't sound like your failings are all that serious. By sharing the truth with her, you would be deomonstrating to her that the truth is important between you. Sit down with her and try to set up for it something like this: "I have something to tell you that may make you angry, and you will have the right to be angry, but I would like you to listen to everything I have to say before responding, first, ok?" Assuming she's still on board, then you say, "It's very important to me that we have honesty in our relationship, which is why I'm telling you this. I already told you that I didn't sleep with ___, and I didn't, but a little more happened than I told you, and I don't feel right keeping something like this from you." It is possible that she will break up with you on the spot, but if you keep your cool and remain appropriately apologetic, she may end up deciding you're a real keeper and end up making up. I think it's worth the risk, but that's just my opinion and I've been wrong at least as often as the next guy! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
TeaCooler Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 ...the girl is a total slut and will do anything that moves. this must make you feel very special. I really don't think she beleives me... she shouldn't. you are lying. I basically don't want anyone that I know to know that I am such a bastard. your fiancee deserves to know. tell her the truth before she marries you and you carelessly go and do another selfish, disresepctful thing to her. your negative self-image isn't your girfriend's fault. maybe instead of worrying about how this will affect you and what you want with your fiancee, you should worry about not being mature enough or ready for marriage. come clean with the woman you are supposed to marry, and let her make the choice of whether she even wants to accept it and move past it. if she does, start working on yourself before your rush into something. her breaking up with you is a risk you're going to have to suck up and take, if you ever want your relationship to be right again. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 my current partner is my fiance and she is mostly a very caring partner and a good companion. But I have to say I am not totally happy with the relationship. This info is just leaping at me and saying Wow - if this were the man that wanted to marry me - that is NOT how I would want him to refer to ME! A marriage needs to at least start with more than a caring partner and a good companion as its basis..... IMHO Link to post Share on other sites
TeaCooler Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 This info is just leaping at me and saying Wow - if this were the man that wanted to marry me - that is NOT how I would want him to refer to ME! A marriage needs to at least start with more than a caring partner and a good companion as its basis..... IMHO good point, gal. that in itself is a ginormous problem. that poor girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 One part that i left out is that she let me go to this party event though she would have to drive herelf home and go to bed without me after a concert we went to. Because I had taken the day off and she hadn't. Which makes the situation even worse because she was being really nice to do that, and will undoubtebly never let me hang out with my buddies without her. And she rarely wants to hang out with my friends. You pretty much confirm what I feel about the situation though, I kinda think I should wait to tell her though, it being valentines day and all, but waiting just somehow seems inapropriate. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Are you young? If you are not young - then you seem too immature to entertain the thought and idea of getting married! I am NOT trying to be mean, just logical! Break up with her asap and move on.... Link to post Share on other sites
TeaCooler Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 it being valentines day and all, but waiting just somehow seems inapropriate. What do you think? it won't hurt any less on february 14th than on the 15th. and if you do break up with her, make sure she knows you're being truthful when you say "it's not you, it's me." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 This info is just leaping at me and saying Wow - if this were the man that wanted to marry me - that is NOT how I would want him to refer to ME! A marriage needs to at least start with more than a caring partner and a good companion as its basis..... IMHO I don't really understand your point here, I love her very much, I wasn't saying that I am with her mostly beacause she is caring and a good companion and thats what I need. I meant that she is "usually" a caring partner and a good companion (well great companion when things are going well) And other times she is just not very nice. Its pretty much night and day depending on her mood, and not necessarily depending on anything I have done. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Past Fight/break up = Attempted suicide? She explored her sexual side a lot before you? You are not happy? She is too imbalanced to be considered for marriage. You MUST stop any forward progress toward that goal and seriously consider breaking up with her. As to the cheating, you either have to tell her or break up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 I don't really understand your point here, I love her very much, I wasn't saying that I am with her mostly beacause she is caring and a good companion and thats what I need. I meant that she is "usually" a caring partner and a good companion (well great companion when things are going well) And other times she is just not very nice. Its pretty much night and day depending on her mood, and not necessarily depending on anything I have done. Then toss her out - any marriage would never stand the test of time in that regard. And no man should need to be subjected to those kind of mood swings and instability... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 Are you young? If you are not young - then you seem too immature to entertain the thought and idea of getting married! I am NOT trying to be mean, just logical! Break up with her asap and move on.... Of course I am young, just listen to me its pathetic how badly I am grasping my situation, I am 22. Thing is I have never wanted to act on impulses toward other women i didn't really this time I just din't resist when another woman acted toward me. I was very drunk at the time (a twelve pack and at least three shots) but I don't really see that as a very good excuse. I know I wouldn't have done it if I were sober though. I really can't explain how much I love her and how much she means to me she opened up a whole wealth of emotion and appreciation for the world that I didn't know I could posess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 I seriously have never regretted doing anything in my life as much as this. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 I seriously have never regretted doing anything in my life as much as this. Honey- Let me slap you upside your head! YOU are not looking at the bigger picture! There are toooo many concerns in this relationship for it to be a healthy one. Step back and take alot of time to see it clearly, trust me, I am older and wiser... and I hated it when I was young and someone said that to me, but be smart for your future honey! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 About her being unstable, I really have no room to talk as far as instability goes, its just that I do not express myself much. Also she has made alot of progress since the suicide attempt, and we really don't fight much anymore and make up pretty quickly. Actually right now I think that we have a really good relationship, but occasionally she is pretty mean, usually when she has a really bad migraine or something. Point is I really love her and don't want to leave her at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 I can't shake the feeling I have right now I am so completely outside my realm of opperation I am going nuts. I am not going to leave her. If she leaves me I will be very upset. She really means so much to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TeaCooler Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Point is I really love her and don't want to leave her at all. but you can cheat on her and lie to her? no one said you had to leave her. but she should have the option to leave you. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 About her being unstable, I really have no room to talk as far as instability goes, its just that I do not express myself much. Also she has made alot of progress since the suicide attempt, and we really don't fight much anymore and make up pretty quickly. Actually right now I think that we have a really good relationship, but occasionally she is pretty mean, usually when she has a really bad migraine or something. Point is I really love her and don't want to leave her at all. It is a long life if you are married to someone with the struggles you are describing within the relationship.... Go for it if you want to ... it just amazes me when you keep defending your perspective on this lousy relationship because you want to get married! Good luck honey! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 I want her to have that option, I cant stand the thought of hurting her so badly though. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Fidelis, you are in the middle of far too much to get any real perspective on what is going. Your behaviour was not acceptable, you know that. I always advocate honesty. Your gf has a lot of issues. You have issues with the relationship. There is too much here to make anything out of at the moment. You cannot build a house when half the bricks are missing and the roof timbers are warped and weak. You both need to step back and re-examine yourselves and your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 It is really hard for me to be getting advice from strangers. I am always giving relationship advice to my siblings and friends because they do the stupidest things and get themselves into trouble and all that. Now suddenly...boom I'm the dumbass and I don't trust anbody I am close to enough to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 We have done that in the past and decided that we are what we really wanted. Things have gotten better and with only a little regression here and there. Now I feel like there is nothing I can do to fix it. She has to know I pretty much had decided that before I came here, but I feel that there will be no hope for our relationship when she does. And that is not what I want at all. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 It is really hard for me to be getting advice from strangers. I am always giving relationship advice to my siblings and friends because they do the stupidest things and get themselves into trouble and all that. Now suddenly...boom I'm the dumbass and I don't trust anbody I am close to enough to talk about it. You are not listening to any advice honey! You are only defending your position... That is why I am frustrated and am going to ignore this post from here on out.... But you need to understand, Wit is right on, go back and read your thread from the start like YOU are a stranger! Try to be smart about what you need to do. IF you take the emotions out of it - you will see it much more clearly. I think I have only helped you as much as I can, and you are not listening, so I am finished. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 It is really hard for me to be getting advice from strangers. I am always giving relationship advice to my siblings and friends because they do the stupidest things and get themselves into trouble and all that. Now suddenly...boom I'm the dumbass and I don't trust anbody I am close to enough to talk about it. I am not judging you Fidelis, just advice from me, thats all. I am older and have lived and learned a little. Feel free to accept or reject what I say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fidelis83 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 Sorry I don't really want to frustrate anyone, I am just kind of flying wild here. Link to post Share on other sites
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