Oh god, why did I do that.

[witabix]

No frustration here Fidelis.

[Fidelis83]

I have expended so much effort in my life to be a good person, not act on the immoral impulses but see the bigger picture and do the right thing. I am usually so controlled, if you asked any of my friends or family members they would undoubtably tell you that I am one of the nicest people they know. I generally am very concerned with the feelings of others, and can be a bit of a pushover in interpersonal conflict if I believe that other parties may be too emotionally charged to make rational choices.

I just don't know how I could have slipped up like this I don't deserve her to be with me in the first place I guess if I did slip up like this, but its not me I am worried about. However snappy she can get with me she is still a wonderful person, she wants to open an orphanage when she gets older for gods sake how much more noble can you get.

[witabix]

I have expended so much effort in my life to be a good person, not act on the immoral impulses but see the bigger picture and do the right thing. I am usually so controlled, if you asked any of my friends or family members they would undoubtably tell you that I am one of the nicest people they know. I generally am very concerned with the feelings of others, and can be a bit of a pushover in interpersonal conflict if I believe that other parties may be too emotionally charged to make rational choices.

I just don't know how I could have slipped up like this I don't deserve her to be with me in the first place I guess if I did slip up like this, but its not me I am worried about. However snappy she can get with me she is still a wonderful person, she wants to open an orphanage when she gets older for gods sake how much more noble can you get.

 

Do not measure your worth against your perceptions of anothers worth.

 

You can identify your good traits. You did something that your own moral code tells you was wrong.

 

First you must get over your own feelings of guilt.

 

Then you can look at what this relationship is all about.

 

She is a seperate person, not your responsibility, her life does not depend on you, your life does not depend on her, your lives do not depend on your relationship.

 

You are your own responsibility.

[rustysquirrel]

What is it you want in your relationship? If you want honesty and trust, you have to be willing to put it there yourself as well as expect it of her.

 

Sometimes you will both be hurt because neither of you can always be perfect.

 

But if there is real love, there will be forgiveness and a willingness to work on things.

 

Take it from someone whose relationship may soon be ending because of trust issues. If there is no honesty and no trust, there is no foundation for a real relationship.

 

Better not to be in any relationship at all than to be in one plagued by secrecy and deceit.

[Fidelis83]

Do not measure your worth against your perceptions of anothers worth.

 

You can identify your good traits. You did something that your own moral code tells you was wrong.

 

First you must get over your own feelings of guilt.

 

Then you can look at what this relationship is all about.

 

She is a seperate person, not your responsibility, her life does not depend on you, your life does not depend on her, your lives do not depend on your relationship.

 

You are your own responsibility.

 

 

 

I see alot of wisdom in your words. I am having trouble however with the fact that I made a commitment to uphold the fidelity of our relationship and in failing that commitment I will hurt the person that I love the most, in a way that I know will be nearly unbearable for her. I don't know how to get over that, I just wish there was a "good" way to tell someone this.

[Fidelis83]

Another good point. One odd fact here is that my middle name is actually Fidelis (meaning "faithful" in Latin) so I have actually defiled my name by doing this. God I hate myself so much right now. rustyquirell whats your situation?

[Fidelis83]

I guess I didn't answer your question. I really do want honesty and trust in my relationship, which is why I have always been very honest with her. I actually hope that she has had some simmilar indiscretion that she wants to get off of her chest so that maybe she would undestand. I realize that this is a little sick and not too likely but thats where I am at right now.

[witabix]

You failed, at one moment, to uphold your own code.

 

This does not mean you are a failure.

 

You may redeem your 'honour' by being a man and confronting what you have done. In my opinion, and I know this is not universally accepted, you should admit what has happened. Forgive yourself first, and see if she can also.

 

If not, at least she is in the picture and you tried.

 

You will probably get advice about letting sleeping dogs lie. Your choice.

 

You said you have hurt the person you love most, that should be you. Hating yourself serves no useful purpose.

[TeaCooler]

I cant stand the thought of hurting her so badly though.

 

you already have. she just doesn't know it, which is even worse.

 

witabix is so right.

[lindya]

Another good point. One odd fact here is that my middle name is actually Fidelis (meaning "faithful" in Latin) so I have actually defiled my name by doing this. God I hate myself so much right now.

 

You kissed this other girl. You haven't mentioned anything about having sex with her.

 

I'm not condoning that - but at the same time I know I wouldn't be leaping around crying and screaming treachery over a drunken snog that didn't actually lead to sex. I'd be annoyed and upset, but I'd also be reassured that my partner had been respectful enough of me and my feelings to be honest with me about it...rather than just bury it away under the carpet.

 

It could be that your girlfriend thinks the same way as I do. Or she might share everyone else's feelings about this, and see it as a really huge deal. You won't know until you tell her.

 

The more worrying issue is that your gf made a suicide attempt not all that long ago...after you broke up with her. That just doesn't sound like the stable basis for a marriage right now - and it seems as if you too are drowing a bit right now - in guilt, stress and a bit of self-loathing. Not good ways to be feeling.

 

This doesn't have to be a make or break situation. You might well be feeling right now that you're not ready for marriage. Does that mean you have to split up with someone you care about? It doesn't have to...but it does seem that the two of you will need to do a bit of work on yourselves (and your relationship) as part of becoming stronger, more mature and just generally more together people prior to taking the major step of getting married.

[Fidelis83]

I honestly don't know how to forgive myself for doing something that has no moral grounds, and no justification. I guess the whole "to err is human" thing would come into play but I reall think I gotta feel bad a while longer before I let myself feel good, just so that even if she does forgive me and everything is hunkey dorey tomorrow (about a 7% chance I'd say) my lesson is learned. I guess maybe teaching oneself though self imposed emotional distress is unhealthy but its just my nature.

[Fidelis83]

You kissed this other girl. You haven't mentioned anything about having sex with her.

 

I'm not condoning that - but at the same time I know I wouldn't be leaping around crying and screaming treachery over a drunken snog that didn't actually lead to sex. I'd be annoyed and upset, but I'd also be reassured that my partner had been respectful enough of me and my feelings to be honest with me about it...rather than just bury it away under the carpet.

 

It could be that your girlfriend thinks the same way as I do. Or she might share everyone else's feelings about this, and see it as a really huge deal. You won't know until you tell her.

 

The more worrying issue is that your gf made a suicide attempt not all that long ago...after you broke up with her. That just doesn't sound like the stable basis for a marriage right now - and it seems as if you too are drowing a bit right now - in guilt, stress and a bit of self-loathing. Not good ways to be feeling.

 

This doesn't have to be a make or break situation. You might well be feeling right now that you're not ready for marriage. Does that mean you have to split up with someone you care about? It doesn't have to...but it does seem that the two of you will need to do a bit of work on yourselves (and your relationship) as part of becoming stronger, more mature and just generally more together people prior to taking the major step of getting married.

 

No there was no sex involved we made out and there was a little groping. This may be a far cry from a night of empassioned sex but its still unfaithful and as far as I am concerned, wrong. Personally I would not break up with her for the same thing but I would feel she was justified in breaking up with me.

I don't want to be responsible for the knock to her already pretty low self esteem that this will make. I tell her everyday how beautiful, and sexy I think she is and then I do this. She is going to feel like a toad.

[lindya]

I I reall think I gotta feel bad a while longer before I let myself feel good, just so that even if she does forgive me and everything is hunkey dorey tomorrow (about a 7% chance I'd say) my lesson is learned. I guess maybe teaching oneself though self imposed emotional distress is unhealthy but its just my nature.

 

Saying "it's just my nature" (ie to punish yourself) doesn't cut it. If you carry on like that, you'll do yourself and your relationships no end of damage. Show me someone who's burdened down with guilt, and I'll show you someone who's busily sowing the seeds of resentment and passive-aggression within himself.

 

That guilt is some sort of authority figure within you being punitive and controlling. We all have that internalised authority figure...but he/she can't be allowed to run the show 24/7. We also each have an inner child, and the more you punish yourself the more that inner child is going to start seething with rage and eventually rebelling. Possibly by doing something like this again in the future.

 

You need to look at this rationally - like an adult (rather than viewing it from the perspective of either your "authority figure" or your "child" ). Work out why you did what you did and how you can manage your circumstances and emotions better in order to lessen the likelihood of it happening again. Endlessly flagellating yourself won't do you or your girlfriend any good.

[TeaCooler]

No there was no sex involved we made out and there was a little groping. This may be a far cry from a night of empassioned sex but its still unfaithful and as far as I am concerned, wrong. Personally I would not break up with her for the same thing but I would feel she was justified in breaking up with me.

I don't want to be responsible for the knock to her already pretty low self esteem that this will make. I tell her everyday how beautiful, and sexy I think she is and then I do this. She is going to feel like a toad.

 

no, she is going to think you are a toad.

 

i said this in another thread. apply it to yourself.

 

"the fact that he cheated is almost secondary to the fact the he made a deicison that he knew would directly affect you with no consideration for you. this is not right, regardless of the result of the decision he made."

[Fidelis83]

NO she really won't, honestly. If I thought that the only effect this would have on her is that she gets angry with me and maybe breaks up with me this would be alot easier. But I know her well enough to say that this will harm her on a greater scale than that.

[Fidelis83]

Furthermore I really don't think that the problem is that I don't think I have done something wrong.

[Fidelis83]

Saying "it's just my nature" (ie to punish yourself) doesn't cut it. If you carry on like that, you'll do yourself and your relationships no end of damage. Show me someone who's burdened down with guilt, and I'll show you someone who's busily sowing the seeds of resentment and passive-aggression within himself.

 

That guilt is some sort of authority figure within you being punitive and controlling. We all have that internalised authority figure...but he/she can't be allowed to run the show 24/7. We also each have an inner child, and the more you punish yourself the more that inner child is going to start seething with rage and eventually rebelling. Possibly by doing something like this again in the future.

 

You need to look at this rationally - like an adult (rather than viewing it from the perspective of either your "authority figure" or your "child" ). Work out why you did what you did and how you can manage your circumstances and emotions better in order to lessen the likelihood of it happening again. Endlessly flagellating yourself won't do you or your girlfriend any good.

 

I just really want to make sure it doesn't happen again no matter how drunk I get.

[Fidelis83]

My main concern right now is really to just lessen the blow to her and deal with the rest when the time comes. My question though is there any way to do this?

[TeaCooler]

of course she's going to be upset. you as a consolation prize instead of her sadness...well, it sucks. i'd rather truth and sadness than to be fooled.

 

all you're doing is making excuses to keep it from her for a longer time.

 

toughen up and be the man that you weren't when you cheated on her. that's the least of what she derserves from you.

 

good luck.

[tweldy]

Okay I read this in your original post:

 

"In october she tried to kill herself with a bunch of pills over a fight we had where I had broken up with her and taken her back."

 

Did she get help for this? Is she on medication now? What is her current situation like? Does she have a support network to call if she's feeling suicidal and will she do it? Is she's still unstable and hasn't gotten help DON'T TELL HER AND DON'T BREAK UP WITH HER!!! First, and I mean like tommorrow morning AM, call in sick and go to a professional in the mental health field who can help you. Tell them what's going on. They will know what to do or know where to send you. If you want to break up with her, she'd better be under some professional care FIRST.

 

If you want to stay with her, both of you need to get into some heavy duty couseling - someone who is comfortable working with people who have attempted suicide.

 

I have first hand experience with depression close to this magnitude and if she hasn't had her depression treated there's every chance that you're heading toward a scary situation and life experience you don't want to have.

 

Alternatively, if she has been treated and gone through some serious therapy, its obviously less of an issue.

[MrsHellFire]

Ok, first you say you are unhappy with the relationship and feel "trapped", but then go on to say "I really don't know what to do. If I tell her she will leave me, or worse. .....I am really just a horrible person for doing this I love her soo soo much. "

 

I don't get it.