THREEECP Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Hello to everyone! I am in need of some sound advice. My dilema is that i am a divorced father of two wonderfully handsome boys ages 2 and 4. I have been seperated for about 1-1/2 years now. About 7-months ago, i met somone else and i guess fell in love to quickly. She is a great woman whom i trusted with my heart for the second time around. She is 4-months pregnant. We were engaged...notice i said were! Of course my ex-wife is was not to happy about all of that. Anyway, her story is that she and her ex could not have kids (due to him), so needless to say, she was very excited when we found out that she was expecting. Her ex is an alcoholic and never gave her any personal attention either i guess. Well, now, her ex is very jealous due to the baby and us going to get married and all and started "being nice" to her and feeding her some bull. About 4 weeks ago, i had that (dad...something isn't right feeling!) I had been asking her about somethings and she kept saying everything was fine. Well, about a week ago, i came home from town and she was gone...staying at her brothers house. Come to find out, her and the ex had been talking about getting back together. I feel like i have been used badly just for her to have a child and for her and her ex to get back together and raise it. What should i do? The other part of all this is that MY ex wife and I had a great marriage together, were given two wonderful children, but split up because i am all about family first and she is all about job first! We always said that maybe someday we might fall back in love with each other and get back together to become a family again. Do you think its worth it to try and get back together with her for the kids sake as well as ours? What should i do about the baby on the way? Any help would be greatly appreciated! My heart is torn two ways and i don't know which direction to go?????????? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 I think that it your ex wife does want to get back together, you should go back to her and give it another shot. Ideally, a family will stay together and work things out, but if you don't think you can make changes in yourself and put all you can into making it work, then don't set yourself, your ex, and your kids up for another letdown. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Wow -- this is a tricky situation indeed! Your gf definitely isn't "sold" on you, so I'd just let her go and figure herself out. Of course, you will need to be a permanent fixture in her life if you plan on exercising your rights as her new child's father. I'm definitely in the "try to save your marriage" camp of people. I think that family-first vs. job-first issues can be worked out with counseling if your ex wife is up for that. If your ex wife isn't in to trying to starting something new with you, then I'm afraid what you need to concentrate on is yourself and being a father to all of your children. Maybe even date other women -- but that may have to wait until all the drama in your life sorts itself out. But definitely just focus on being a dad for now. Either your ex gf or your ex wife (or both!) may come around once they see you are a man that focuses on himself and the things most important to him -- his kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author THREEECP Posted February 15, 2006 Author Share Posted February 15, 2006 Thanks for the replys so far! You both hit the nail on the head in many ways. One of the things that is bothering me the most is that if they do get back together, the thought of the baby growing up to think he's its daddy just kills me! It will have his last name and all too... I got an appointment set up with a church counsler in few weeks for myself to try to relieve some of this stress from all the drama. Last night for valentines day, i did go to my ex's house to give the boys some gifts and something to her from them, and cooked them all dinner. We had a great time all together. I just don't know what to do to get the thought of her and him being together right now either while she's carrying my child!! Any suggestions for me to stop thinking about it all??? Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 First and foremost, just because your new child will not be living with you DOES NOT mean that he/she will be calling the alcoholic daddy. You are the father, and as long as you man-up to your responsibilites, this baby will know you are the father. I think that although you fell in love with your recent ex, 7 months is way too soon to have a baby. (unless it was an "oops") As far as your ex wife goes, I don't think that getting back together with her FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS ONLY is a good idea. Those kinds of reconciliations rarely work and only effect the children more. If you truly love your ex wife, I say go for it...but wait a little while before doing so. There's no harm in communicating with her but I think right now with all you've been through - you need some time alone...time to deal with the whirlwind you've been going through and get your emotions under control. For anything to work, you have to be emotionally healthy. It sounds as if right now, you need to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author THREEECP Posted February 17, 2006 Author Share Posted February 17, 2006 Ok...not the ex girlfried has totally flipped out! She telling me that if her and her ex do get back together, she wants me to sign over all my rights to the baby so they can raise it together without any interference from me. If i don't, she says she's going to do what she can to not let me see the baby at all! Now what do i do? Theres no way in the world im going to sign my child over!!! I'm so hurt...i can't believe anyone would ever want to do this to someone...all i did to her was give her all my love and support for her and the baby! Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 Okay, I don't know where you are, but I thought the man really doesn't have rights to the baby unless she puts you on the birth certificate and tries to get child support from you. As far as I am familiar, there is nothing stopping her from listing her ex as the father on the birth certificate. You should contact a lawyer and find out what you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 I can only speak about my state (MN), but you do have rights. In this state, filing for child support (obviously on her part) or putting your name on the BC does not guarantee you any rights to see your child. You must file for visitation rights......and a paternity test will be done if she contests. Again, I don't know about other states but if the child is born before 200 some odd days after the divorce the state recognizes the ex-husband as the father! Definately see a lawyer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author THREEECP Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 Ok...heres another update! Apparently she has not got back together with her ex...for reasons she realizes that he is worse of a man now than when she left him and realizes she has made a mistake with me and wants to work things out with me. I still love her with all my heart, she is having my child, but i'm still afraid of something happening again and getting hurt again. I know i can't let those feelings get the best of me because i will be setting myself up for failure...but what should i do? If anything, i will take it very slow as if we were starting from scratch. Is this the right thing to do? Why does love have to be so complicated? I guess thats why love hurts...right? In both the good and bad times!!! Thanks again to all of you! Ya'll have been very insightful... Link to post Share on other sites
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