Disappointed again........ :-(

[a4a]

Dog is doing super duper!! Thanks for asking! (he is a superb canine).

 

Ya know, I just don't think I care too much. I just feel blah about the whole thing. Which is the first sign of my detachment from the situation. Accept what you cannot change.

 

It is perfectly fine if we are not suited to each other. I really do not "need" a man in my life fulltime. My life is overflowing with things I should or could do. I will say that between my back taking a crap on me and winter it has taken its toll on my social and recreational life right now, but I still have fun outside the R.

 

But just like a friend I have expectations of that friend.. or a Husband or a bf. I don't know what will happen. I have bent over backward to attempt to make this work for 6 months. A little too little, a little too late may end up applying in this situation even if he does give a good go of it.

 

Funny I see the advice about changing the way I should think. My goodness people am I supposed to not have what I need or want out of a relationship?

I understand I am responsible to get what I want out of an R. However if I fail to get that I should not have to revise what I want or how I want to be treated? I am not desparate for a relationship, comfy in my skin or alone. (weekenders would be fine with me). I did not come up with some surprise agenda.... this was upfront outlined before M, actually from the start of the R.

 

I am happy to work on it but not deny what I want and what I expect from a R. If I did so I would certainly not be honest with myself and would end up in a real mess years down the road.

 

For crying out loud. WTF makes his needs more important then mine and that I am supposed to bend to him. I see this advice over and over again mainly pointed at women. I should go without because he just does not get it?

 

If the he would just go buy me a damn camel I would shut up!

clueless bastard! Does he not know that all women want is a camel!

[Touche]

No, you shouldn't have to always bend to him. You shouldn't have to revise what you want. But maybe examine whether your expectations are realistic. And I'm not saying they're not. No one person can give another everything they need. Only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad or vice versa. Does he MOSTLY give you emotionally (and in other ways) what you need or not?

 

YOU have to decide this. I really don't think there's a right or wrong decision here. Whatever is right for YOU to be happy is the "right" decision. No one is here to judge you.

 

It sounds like you're working through this on your own. Keep thinking about it. Ask the important questions.

 

A relationship does change after about the 3rd year. Sounds like you are both going through growing pains. This is a "make it or break it" time. Proceed with caution and don't be hasty in your decisions.

[a4a]

ehhhhh. got to thinking about it, he used to be fun to be around. He acts like an old fart now. I still do crazy stuff........just for the hell of it.

 

For instance I told him that unless he ran around the trees in the b- yard buck ass naked I would not marry him....... so without hesitation he went running naked with the damn dogs yapping and chasing him around the trees.

 

........but now it seems he is suffering from the "married woman syndrome" got too comfy, sloppin around in the sweats and putting on the pounds...... not literally. But typically what men say about W. who get comfy in their marriage..... or just sloppy in general.

 

I believe I shall beat him about the buttocks and thighs with a wooden spoon.

It may not serve much of a purpose to fix this, but will make me feel better.

[Touche]

The wooden spoon was the best idea yet! Now, why didn't I think of that?! He needs firm and swift discipline of the corporal kind.

 

Let us know how that works! You know men need a direct approach. That's about as direct as one can get.

[a4a]

The wooden spoon was the best idea yet! Now, why didn't I think of that?! He needs firm and swift discipline of the corporal kind.

 

Let us know how that works! You know men need a direct approach. That's about as direct as one can get.

 

yes INDEEDY! When the threat of a tater up the ass fails a wooden spoon thrashing will work.

 

Clueless bastard better find me that damn camel quick! Now tell me that is not a reasonable request!!!

[Craig]

Quite honestly this is horse training 101. Not all that different at all.

Funny I was going to put something in my last post about animals and how this may not be that different from working with abused or traumatized animals.

 

I'd guess that your H has, whether he knows it or not, had some significant negatives in his early years and those events are behind the "issues" at hand now.

 

How about looking at the H challenge as an animal challenge. I have found myself surrounded by abused, abandoned and etc. animals with "issues" sometimes really strange issues. I've reached them with consistency, love and gaining their trust. Is there a possibility for that working here with your H? I mean if you look at your H as a traumatized animal with issues related to the trauma what would you do?

 

Hey, I'm being creative here Camels huh? Who would have thunk?

[a4a]

Funny I was going to put something in my last post about animals and how this may not be that different from working with abused or traumatized animals.

 

I'd guess that your H has, whether he knows it or not, had some significant negatives in his early years and those events are behind the "issues" at hand now.

 

How about looking at the H challenge as an animal challenge. I have found myself surrounded by abused, abandoned and etc. animals with "issues" sometimes really strange issues. I've reached them with consistency, love and gaining their trust. Is there a possibility for that working here with your H? I mean if you look at your H as a traumatized animal with issues related to the trauma what would you do?

 

Hey, I'm being creative here Camels huh? Who would have thunk?

 

What would I do? ...... well euthanize them of course

 

No I hear exactly what you are saying. The problem is you sack him out enough not to spook and he does fine for awhile but goes back to square one within a few weeks. Either I am doing something wrong or I have yet to find the real source of his problem.

 

I am again his "trainer". A position I did not desire. I spend most of my days having to figure out people in RL. Have to figure out how to get what is needed from them. I guess I was just hoping I could have at home time where I would not have to "train" or "observe" another person or animal.

Which is probably why I am a tad pissed off as well.

 

Big improvements again last night. Shocking improvements in fact. After reading your post I realized I did indeed use pressure and release to get him into position to pay attention. Not on purpose but damn I still feel kinda guilty like I manipulated him. I just don't want to make him or try to make him into something he is not. It is like trying to force a mini donkey into being a world class jumper. Or maybe I am just worried over nothing and he is capable and willing? I guess I have to really wonder if I have a right to do this to him?

 

Yes I have a huge desire to have a camel. $5,000 for one. But heck that is not too bad for something you will really enjoy! I actually want the camel to learn new communication and training techniques with another species.

[Mz. Pixie]

But just like a friend I have expectations of that friend.. or a Husband or a bf. I don't know what will happen. I have bent over backward to attempt to make this work for 6 months. A little too little, a little too late may end up applying in this situation even if he does give a good go of it.

 

Funny I see the advice about changing the way I should think. My goodness people am I supposed to not have what I need or want out of a relationship?

I understand I am responsible to get what I want out of an R. However if I fail to get that I should not have to revise what I want or how I want to be treated? I am not desparate for a relationship, comfy in my skin or alone. (weekenders would be fine with me). I did not come up with some surprise agenda.... this was upfront outlined before M, actually from the start of the R.

 

 

For crying out loud. WTF makes his needs more important then mine and that I am supposed to bend to him. I see this advice over and over again mainly pointed at women. I should go without because he just does not get it?

 

 

Gosh I could have written all of the above before. Brings back alot of unpleasant memories..........

[a4a]

Gosh I could have written all of the above before. Brings back alot of unpleasant memories..........

 

well I have seen some improvement... but how long will it last?

 

Sorry to bring up your unpleasant memories MZP.

 

At this point I can see why some people would turn to an EA or a PA. I would not do that, I refuse. But I can certainly see why it would be easy to fall into that situation if it was presented.

[blind_otter]

I've said this numerous times when leaving a man. "You can't even treat me with the same consideration and respect that you give your friends....."

[Becoming]

How long will it last? That's the question, isn't it? You have to persist in showing him that when he decides to go back to old habits (and he will), he doesn't get you. You are his carrot, the reward for him coming closer. It will take some time, but consistency with withdrawing yourself from him when he acts in old ways and telling him this is what you're doing because when he acts {x, y,z}, you have to do {1, 2, 3} to take care of yourself in order to stay sane, will get results.

 

I understand the {explicative of choice} frustration with this and work it requires. But it's the only way I've found that works. Attraction and repulsion seems to be a universal law in all things, so work with it. He needs to see that his behavior can be attractive or repulsive. And he needs to know which is which, just as you do. I don't see how that's manipulative; it's just reality.

 

Glad to hear you're seeing progress! Give him lots of rewards. Human beings are animals, after all, ya know.

[a4a]

Again it is basic horse training 101 pressure and release

 

how droll for me though to have to do this.

 

He never has treated my like shyt. In a typical LS post way. Just not all that he could or should be for me!

 

I don't settle for things in life. Nor will I settle to have a half assed relationship.

[Outcast]

Outcast and others calling for self - change:

I explained to him that I have been beating the shyt out of myself wondering what I am doing wrong for 6 months. What flaws do I have that cause this. Am I just that ugly so he is not attracted to me? Am I really retarded and suck at entertaining him? Why does he not appreciate what I do for him? I do not communicate properly? Am I being too nice? Too biotchy? Too calm? Does he need drama to get a spark?

 

Sorry but you're going about this all wrong. None of that will work - as you see. Your assumption is that he behaves in reaction to you. That isn't correct. He behaves in reaction to what's going on inside him - and whatever that is, it overcomes his better instincts.

 

I expect them to attempt to fulfill my desires that I want in a partner.

 

And this is the issue. Others have said, and I repeat, that expectations are the killer. Read Albert Ellis. No, don't get your husband to read him. YOU read him. Read up on Buddhism. The essence to living a fulfilled life is to NOT have expectations.

 

There's something wrong with advice that wants to put all the responsibility for the relationship on your shoulders. You can read all the love langugages books in the world (I know that book--totally useless in my case because IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE

 

You missed the point of Love Languages entirely. What it says, and what I'm trying to convey, is that this guy is probably doing the things HE considers important but SHE does not - Love Languages explains how and why that happens and, hopefully, gets the ungrateful one to understand that there is actually something to be grateful for.

 

Funny I see the advice about changing the way I should think. My goodness people am I supposed to not have what I need or want out of a relationship?

 

At some times, yes. People go through bad times when they are not able to be as perfect as you want them to be. He says he's got work stress and exhaustion going on. Few people are at their best when tired and stressed so to keep your expectations of them high even at those times is unfair IMHO.

 

I understand I am responsible to get what I want out of an R. However if I fail to get that I should not have to revise what I want or how I want to be treated?

 

It depends. Often, yes. All this started because you didn't like your Valentine's experience. You EXPECTED to be treated very differently and IMHO that was your mistake. And the reason you change what you insist on getting is that your demands are too high - i.e. unreasonable.

 

You put HUGE expectations on Valentine's Day and what Ellis would tell you IF you would quit being stubborn and read him is that you invested symbolism in this Valentine's Day thing such that if he didn't do what you thought he 'should' do, that means he doesn't care about you. So you're mad at him because he didn't follow your idea of a symbolic gesture and you have taken that to mean he doesn't care, just as you have taken everything else he does to mean that. Trouble is, he's not in on your interpretations of his actions; he doesn't think or feel the same way so doesn't really 'get' why you do.

 

You admit that he does have good points and does some good things but it's not enough - never enough.

 

If you would switch your modus operandi around to show him lots of appreciation for what he does and fewer complaints about what he doesn't do, I'm betting you'd see a big change.

 

But it's up to you. You can cling stubbornly to your idea of what he 'should' be or what any man 'should' be and you may well end up alone clinging to nothing but that. Or you can appreciate what you do get, drop your expectations, and maybe just maybe find (as many people have) that it's when you drop expectations and show appreciation that the tables turn.

 

Just not all that he could or should be for me!

 

According to you. Have you ever tested out how realistic or fair these expectations are?

 

I don't settle for things in life. Nor will I settle to have a half assed relationship.

 

You choose your definition of 'half-assed'. There are people on LS would chew off their arm to have a relationship like yours.

[blind_otter]

You choose your definition of 'half-assed'. There are people on LS would chew off their arm to have a relationship like yours.

 

IME relativism isn't a healthy way to rationalize a situation. According to every therapist I've ever had, it doesn't matter what other people want when you're judging your own feelings in a situation. Other people have different needs, wants, values -- that have no bearing in the decisions you make for your personal life.

 

I'm just sayin. I've beat myself up emotionally with this line of thinking too many times to count and all it does is make you feel bad for having your own needs and wants.

[a4a]

Outcast = Sorry but you're going about this all wrong. None of that will work - as you see. Your assumption is that he behaves in reaction to you. That isn't correct. He behaves in reaction to what's going on inside him - and whatever that is, it overcomes his better instincts.

 

If you took the time to read all of my posts you would see that I have attempted to help him deal with his inner "problems, offered support, asked for MC, suggested outtings, dates ect. I am not one to stomp about a kitchen screaming YOU DON'T LOVE ME. far from it.

 

 

 

And this is the issue. Others have said, and I repeat, that expectations are the killer. Read Albert Ellis. No, don't get your husband to read him. YOU read him. Read up on Buddhism. The essence to living a fulfilled life is to NOT have expectations.

 

I am quite happy alone, but he has his expectations of me, so to reach common ground I have offered my expectations of him. So since we chose to be together and offered ourselves to each other we certainly have expectations of each other. This is the RL world, there are things that need to be done, should I not have expectations that he will share some burden of a relationship?

 

You missed the point of Love Languages entirely. What it says, and what I'm trying to convey, is that this guy is probably doing the things HE considers important but SHE does not - Love Languages explains how and why that happens and, hopefully, gets the ungrateful one to understand that there is actually something to be grateful for.

 

No actually I have not missed it at all........ I have explained to him in depth what is important to me. I have asked him what is important to him. I have asked how I can make him happier. Funny thing is he said that I am just about perfect and treat him like gold. So I have learned his language but he is failing to learn mine.... perhaps doing a tad bit better now that I have really dug my heels in. Believe me I am not ungrateful but I want it better than just status quo, now in the start of a relationship is the time to tackle that, not later.

 

At some times, yes. People go through bad times when they are not able to be as perfect as you want them to be. He says he's got work stress and exhaustion going on. Few people are at their best when tired and stressed so to keep your expectations of them high even at those times is unfair IMHO.

 

True, but he should also see my stress. I am tired right now myself, fruckin back has whacked me out for 6 months and delayed my personal fulfillment and delayed my projects...... it is a two way street. I am doing my part to support and keep him happy, as he would agree to this minus my attempts to make our R better everything is great on his end of things......his words.

 

 

 

It depends. Often, yes. All this started because you didn't like your Valentine's experience. You EXPECTED to be treated very differently and IMHO that was your mistake. And the reason you change what you insist on getting is that your demands are too high - i.e. unreasonable.

 

You put HUGE expectations on Valentine's Day and what Ellis would tell you IF you would quit being stubborn and read him is that you invested symbolism in this Valentine's Day thing such that if he didn't do what you thought he 'should' do, that means he doesn't care about you. So you're mad at him because he didn't follow your idea of a symbolic gesture and you have taken that to mean he doesn't care, just as you have taken everything else he does to mean that. Trouble is, he's not in on your interpretations of his actions; he doesn't think or feel the same way so doesn't really 'get' why you do.

 

Ahhh again the responsiblity is being put on me. I actually said to him, when he asked what I wanted for v-day: "Don't bother to get me flowers or a card, I told you before making an effort and putting time and thought into something or a gift means more to me".

 

This is not about me being huffy over $50 in flowers, it is about his lack of planning, effort, or time spent even after I point blank said..... DONT BOTHER BECASUE............, If he would have took the time to make me a pasta necklace I would have been overwhelmed and pleased.....sliding by a store to buy some flowers.......not. Because it is the basis of what I want, not just for V-day but in general. Not everyday.... but more than 2x per year. And I have communicated this to him over and over during the last past 6 months.

 

You admit that he does have good points and does some good things but it's not enough - never enough.

 

If you would switch your modus operandi around to show him lots of appreciation for what he does and fewer complaints about what he doesn't do, I'm betting you'd see a big change.

 

Lets see I must tell him at least 4 times a day he is the most handsome man on the face of the earth, I tell him how smart he is, how proud I am of him, (which is all true), How awesome he is in the sack,(which he is) I give him back rubs, offered to actually go to work with him on Sat skip out on my plans, I thank him for every small thing he does, even feeding his own dogs if I did not get to it...... come on now..... hell I even offer him a BJ without him having to do one thing but enjoy it. This is not once a month but daily .......minus the BJs even I have my needs

 

But it's up to you. You can cling stubbornly to your idea of what he 'should' be or what any man 'should' be and you may well end up alone clinging to nothing but that. Or you can appreciate what you do get, drop your expectations, and maybe just maybe find (as many people have) that it's when you drop expectations and show appreciation that the tables turn.

 

So sheesh I should drop my expectations of him taking time out to do something nice and well planned out. Put some effort into making me feel special to him? Wow that is pretty one sided when you look at the overall picture..... yes a scorecard of sorts.....its ok for him to get a gold star for his little gestures but mine are not worthwhile? It's ok for me and is my duty to appreciate him and show I do appreciate him in a way he would like but not okay for me to demand and deserve the same?

 

 

According to you. Have you ever tested out how realistic or fair these expectations are?

 

I do not expect all that much.... just a little effort, a little time, and a little care put into things..... like I said if he took the time such as to pick flowers, make a pasta necklace on a string, or even spent the time to plan things such as a date night, or a dinner even if it were to our reg. place........ I would be over joyed. I have told him this for 6 months, so yes the V-day drive by flowers were a disappointment.

 

 

 

You choose your definition of 'half-assed'. There are people on LS would chew off their arm to have a relationship like yours.

 

Maybe they would, but then again I did not settle for just anyone, I waited and picked the cream of the crop. Funny my H said that to me first.....he decided to wait for the best as well. You get what you put into it. Right now I am willing to make it better for me, I got a great guy that is lacking some things that I would like, I will not settle for less than what I want. Why should I? I do not need a man to be fulfilled in my own life, but damn if I will bother to have one that is not meeting my expectations. Maybe because my own life is pretty much fulfilled I just expect it to be equally fulfilling with my H........ I do not see the shame or wrong with that. I understand, care about, and according to him fulfill his needs......why should he not do the same for me?

 

And you know I am lucky to have him, luck and smarts.... He chased me down, but I was smart enough to notice him. And god yes last night I was rubbing his temples sitting by the fire and looked at him......he makes Brad Pitt look like a sack of potatoes! I am lucky to have him, and he is damn lucky to have me.

 

what I really heard from this entire post is : you got a great guy, you should appreciate that, it should be enough for you, you have unrealistic expectations to expect him to treat you the way you want because he just should not have to, it is your responsiblity to forget and settle for what he offers and you need to give him more..... well shyt how much more can I give?

Besides buying him the world..... I cannot love or show more love or appreciation for this man. I think I deserve the same in my own language of love.....thats all.

[Becoming]

After your last post, I think you may be doing too much. Why does he have to do anything? He's got it good, girl. You do all the work; he basks in the love. Shoot, who doesn't want that?

 

So take it away when he's half-a$$ed and rationally and cheerfully tell him why. Don't be so available. This may drive you a bit crazy and leave you alone and vulnerable (especially when you're in pain!), which us independent types don't know what to do with, so we often blame H for neglecting us, which is true, but which wouldn't ordinarily bother us as much.

 

You say your back's been giving you fits for 6 mths.--the same amount of time you've trying to get him to see he needs to contribute to the relationship. I know back pain and it sucks big time. You feel like shyt most of the time but it doesn't look like there's anything wrong with you so you don't get anyone sending cards, flowers, meals, etc. You get no care, and you're somewhat limited in the care you can give yourself b/c it's all you can do to keep life going. It may be easier to focus on him not contributing as much to the relationship than it is to show your vulnerability, which he would probably respond to better than to laying out the things you expect him to do like the Mom list of Sat. chores.

 

Though we disagree about some things here, Outcast does have a point about expectations, though it is hard for those of us who are rational, no-nonsense kinds of people to get this. I am happiest when I don't expect my H to do a d@@n thing so that when he does anything, I'm thrilled and appreciative. Because he loves praise, he starts doing more. It's at that point that I have to watch my expectations rearing their ugly heads and sinking all progress. We can't expect our spouses to meet all our needs, and we do in that fairy-tale way we know is bogus but which our heart secretly wants nonetheless.

 

Pulling away to take care of our needs when the relationship feels bad to us makes us not there to care for theirs and that's the only way they seem to get it--when it affects them.

 

HOWEVER, as I've told my H, when the relationship just feels bad because I get no time/attention/effort, I'm not likely to want to stay in it. Yes, I am a person who takes vows very seriously, but it takes two. So when H doesn't bother to care, I move to the guest room to sleep--a very visible symbol of how I feel that he gets.

 

I hate the reductionism of this economy as well, but I'm a practical woman.

[Outcast]

Because he loves praise, he starts doing more.

 

It's a magic formula that works with most humans. Flowers turn to the sun. People at work will work harder if they're appreciated. Husbands will do more when they feel accepted and appreciated.

[Becoming]

Yes, OC, for awhile . . . and then it's back to nothing, right a4a? Which is the problem. It's like playing tennis with someone who refuses to hit the ball back most of the time. After awhile, you don't want to play tennis.

[a4a]

So take it away when he's half-a$$ed and rationally and cheerfully tell him why. Don't be so available. This may drive you a bit crazy and leave you alone and vulnerable (especially when you're in pain!), which us independent types don't know what to do with, so we often blame H for neglecting us, which is true, but which wouldn't ordinarily bother us as much.

 

I am not all that available to him. I have slept on the sofa, ignored him but polite, gone about my days......... I get nothing... not even a "whats wrong".

If I camp out on the sofa (which times I like to do and work late) he turns on his stubborn attitude. I actually did let things kinda slide without bringing this up full tilt like I have over the last 3 months. I tried the cold lock out....and mostly out of anger not looking for results from it.

 

I have clearly I mean crystal clear communicated my needs to him. Even just hours ago he called I asked what are our plans for tonight? He had no clue.

 

I then said (again), "I would like it if you could perhaps plan a night out for us, whatever you would like to do. But you need to plan it, even if it is just popcorn and a movie. That is what I need from you right now, to show that you care enough to put time and effort into us".

 

I also told him he was a sexy hot man, he said I am more sexier

little chit chat about work tomorrow..... and he will call when he is finishing up work.

 

Now how much clearer can I be?

 

Is this a huge expectation?

 

How many months must I express it to him in a variety of ways that this is all I am asking for?

 

I am trying and have tried a variety of methods to communicate with him, clear language, cold shut out, praise, and actually had a real hissy fit a little over a week ago...... he is frustrating as all hell. I cannot and do not want to play tit for tat games...... not in my nature to do so.

 

 

I truly think it will get better but there is no need for me to throw away what I want simply because he has not figured it out yet.

 

I did think maybe it was because my riding was restricted and pissing me off... but the weather sucks so not a real big deal right now. I just spent a lovely hour playing with the foals and horses. I smell delightful!

 

 

Oh and I certainly expect my H to do many things..... including clean the house! Including share cooking responsibilities. I appreciate it but also don't think that he deserves a medal for doing his share nor do I. It's like taking a piss.......ya just gotta do those things.....no big deal.

 

back to zoning laws....... GAK!

[Ladyjane14]

.....when they feel accepted and appreciated.

 

I'm in agreement with Outcast, not only here...but in her earlier post as well.

 

EVERYBODY feels better "when they're accepted and appreciated".

 

Accepting your mate for WHO HE IS can be the key to your whole situation. If he's not innately romantic....then he's not likely to be offering alot of grand romantic gestures. The sow's ear cannot be transformed....no matter how much "training" you apply.

 

Are you sure that's even something you NEED in order to be happy in your marriage? Or is there a chance that it's just something that you WANT? If it's something that you want...that's okay. It can certainly be a goal and you can continue to work toward it, but if it's not a deal-breaker it's not worthy of hard feelings or resentment.

 

The Dr. Philism, "We teach people how to treat us" doesn't mean we "train" them per se. It means that we enact boundaries regarding negative treatment that hurts us. And it means that we set an example for how we'd like to be treated by applying the Golden Rule.

 

While it's true that a better understanding of one another will enable your husband to provide you with a few more of the things you want...these should be accepted as gifts and appreciated as such.

 

When people give freely of themselves...they feel good about it in a way that is disallowed by merely fulfilling expectations. In accepting and appreciating an unexpected gift, you GIVE back that good feeling to your mate. On the flipside of the coin, when your mate can't meet your expectations he feels inadaquate.

 

Will your mate take advantage of your giving nature? ....only if you allow him to. By giving more than you can offer freely, without ANY strings attached, you're just building resentment again. In your particular case, it might be that you're giving more to the relationship than you can consider to be a "gift".

[a4a]

Yes, OC, for awhile . . . and then it's back to nothing, right a4a? Which is the problem. It's like playing tennis with someone who refuses to hit the ball back most of the time. After awhile, you don't want to play tennis.

 

 

yeppers that is pretty much it in a nutshell.

Of course you could always just give up wanting to play tennis?

[blind_otter]

I guess this is why none of my relationships lasted longer than 3 years. I am very submissive in relationships, but if I feel unsatisfied and am banging my head against a brick wall I give up.

 

I also know this will go over like a lead balloon but I. Hate. Dr. Phil.

[blind_otter]

The Dr. Philism, "We teach people how to treat us" doesn't mean we "train" them per se. It means that we enact boundaries regarding negative treatment that hurts us. And it means that we set an example for how we'd like to be treated by applying the Golden Rule.

 

Bunk, Dr. Phil. This is assuming that the person you're dealing with is even emotionally aware or emotionally intelligent enough to get these messages you send. IF they're not, then the situation will only get even more FUBAR.

 

flipside of the coin, when your mate can't meet your expectations he feels inadaquate.

 

Personally I think he was a bit of a turd on V-day. I mean, even having no expectations, a bowl of shredded wheat for your V-day dinner? Come ON people. IF this were her BF it would be outski for him. But since he's her H he can be an emotional doofus? I mean no one is all bad or all good. EVERYONE has good points about them, even my psychotic ex who tried to kill my friend. But does that make up for his psychotic-ness?

 

Will your mate take advantage of your giving nature? ....only if you allow him to. By giving more than you can offer freely, without ANY strings attached, you're just building resentment again. In your particular case, it might be that you're giving more to the relationship than you can consider to be a "gift".

 

I think it's more like, she's been making an effort and she's pooped.

[Ladyjane14]

This is assuming that the person you're dealing with is even emotionally aware or emotionally intelligent enough to get these messages you send. IF they're not, then the situation will only get even more FUBAR.

 

That's why it doesn't work for everyone, Otter. But like I said earlier...this is what works for me.

[blind_otter]

I've seen my oldest sister exhaust herself to the point of emotional numbness with her H, who is a good father, a good provider, and totally an emotional dud. I grieve for her. Her lost youth. Her sadness. She will never leave him and she will never be happy.

 

Sorry if I sounded reactive. But I feel like she died a long time ago. We don't speak any more because I'm tired of grieving for her.