Disappointed again........ :-(

[RubixCube28]

Ok now I'm guessing you married this person with hopes of changeing him..Thinking well hes sweet at times and we can work on the rest.. That right there was your downfall..Golden rule 1 in life is you can't always change some one.. Most of the time not!! So I would suggest you eather learn to acept him as he is.. Witch dosen't sound like your all that happy with..Or if he's not willing to change even a bit for you then.. I'de go with 3. Go to Guam with my gf and get divorces.

 

It's a plus plus situation you all get a vacation and get rid of some dead weight.. LOL

[Outcast]

I realized I got a little miffed about the statement of giving with expectations attached to it. You know I have spent the last 12 years of my life giving, working hard, so I could get into a position to give more. I only ask this small thing..... it is quite simple to make a dinner reservation, to arrange 2 candles on a table at home and say I am cooking tonight baby!

 

How the Fvk are those high unreasonable expectations.

 

How hard is it.

 

And what fun is it if someone 'expects' so much and you give it to them? Zero. Not only will you not get praised or appreciated, you'll get something along the lines of 'well it's about time'. So rather than doing the 'expected', instead he buys you the candy bar on the way home. But that's no good. He was being thoughtful, but not the way you have specified you want him to be thoughtful therefore it's no good.

 

So he's damned if he does nice things you expect and damned if he does spontaneous nice things. I'd quit trying, too.

 

It is not unreasonable to expect someone to be thoughtful. IMHO it is unreasonable to expect someone to only be 'thoughtful' in a way and at a time you specify.

[loony]

It is not unreasonable to expect someone to be thoughtful. IMHO it is unreasonable to expect someone to only be 'thoughtful' in a way and at a time you specify.

Should a partner just be thoughtful when he feels like it or shouldn't he rather try to meet his partner's needs and make him the happiest as far as he can? Where is the love when someone just does the most convenient for him when it comes to making his partner happy? Why is it so irrational to expect our partners to go out of their way sometimes to do something for us even when they do not feel like it? And why is it so hard to follow the hints that they get?

 

They wouldn't treat their boss like this. They wouldn't treat their co-workers like this. They wouldn't treat a stranger in the street like this. But - they know they can get away with it with you. There is a lack of respect that made them settle in the comfort zone and there also might be some passive-aggressiveness behind it.

[d'Arthez]

It is not unreasonable to expect someone to be thoughtful. IMHO it is unreasonable to expect someone to only be 'thoughtful' in a way and at a time you specify.

The perfect description why people a lot of people hate Valentine's Day.

 

Should a partner just be thoughtful when he feels like it or shouldn't he rather try to meet his partner's needs and make him [i think you meant her] the happiest as far as he can?

To an extent yes. But if she is happy to cuddle in the bed on Monday morning does not mean his boss will be happy to just do that. Conflicts, conflicts, conflicts. Life is not 56 hours of sleep + 40 hours of work + 72 hours spent on the partner alone per week.

 

Where is the love when someone just does the most convenient for him when it comes to making his partner happy?

It is not about convenience. If I invited you to walk a marathon with me, chances are that you will be less enthusiastic after just finishing one five minutes ago, when you are barely able to stand on your feet. Strange as it sounds, people have more things going on in their lives. And are not in love-mode 24/7.

 

Why is it so irrational to expect our partners to go out of their way sometimes to do something for us even when they do not feel like it?

Because it messes up their own schedules completely? To name but one thing. Because they do not see the point in the first place? If you don't see the point in poetry, and your partner insists on poems on Valentine's Day, you are not really in the best of positions to write whatever (because you are clueless about poetry) is desired.

I have no problem to get a glass of water for my SO. I do have a problem if she would insist it comes from some specific bit of water on the other side of the world. Lack of realistic expectations is a problem, probably more often than we realize.

 

And why is it so hard to follow the hints that they get?

Perhaps because men and women are not interested to read tens of thousands of pages on subtle hints from the opposite sex? And prefer a more direct approach, so you can actually know what is desired?

Communication is hard enough, especially if you have to guess at what goes on in the other person's mind. That is exactly the problem (subtle) hints create. And if you are subsequently punished for not reading the hints properly, (of which you did not even know the existence before the punishment), you will get the attitude of: "Whatever ..."

[loony]

To an extent yes. But if she is happy to cuddle in the bed on Monday morning does not mean his boss will be happy to just do that. Conflicts, conflicts, conflicts. Life is not 56 hours of sleep + 40 hours of work + 72 hours spent on the partner alone per week.

I was more thinking along the lines of a good-bye kiss in the morning. Or arranging a to have breakfast together on Sunday morning. I guess, that's more what a4a was thinking about. What you described are farfetched demands that most sane people would not expect from their partner. It's not about buying flowers every day of the week and it's not always that people are attention whores when they ask for a little "us time" with their partner.

 

It is not about convenience. If I invited you to walk a marathon with me, chances are that you will be less enthusiastic after just finishing one five minutes ago, when you are barely able to stand on your feet. Strange as it sounds, people have more things going on in their lives. And are not in love-mode 24/7.

Once again you're taking things to the extreme. I think we are talking in the dimensions of arranging a romantic dinner once in a while, a nice walk together, some time to have a meaningful talk with each other. And it's not about having these things every day.

 

Because it messes up their own schedules completely?

I didn't know that arranging a dinner together is such a big act.

 

I have no problem to get a glass of water for my SO. I do have a problem if she would insist it comes from some specific bit of water on the other side of the world. Lack of realistic expectations is a problem, probably more often than we realize.

That's an absurd example.

 

Perhaps because men and women are not interested to read tens of thousands of pages on subtle hints from the opposite sex?

If I had called it 'directions' you would have also complained... a4a has obviously told him clearly what she wants, it's nothing out of the ordinary - arranging a dinner for two something that should not be something that messes up your schedule - yet, he doesn't do it. And I don't think that it's because he doesn't like Valentine's day.

[Lonestar]

 

"I want my wife to be able to walk in the room and know without a doubt, that even if there are 1,000 women in that room, that she is treated better than any one of them"

 

 

Yeah, I want that, but how feasible is it that you can find it.

[Touche]

Yeah, I want that, but how feasible is it that you can find it.

 

I think it's VERY feasible. I have that and I think A has it too.

 

Here's the REAL problem now as I see it. Somewhere in here you mentioned that he has really NEVER been the way you want him to be. I asked in one of my posts whether this was a gradual change in him or what exactly. You never did answer but then it came out that he has never really been the way you him to be. You mentioned the ring and that was it.

 

So the problem in a nutshell is that you want to change him into something that he isn't and never was. It's never going to fly, A. You just can't change a person. I thought you were saying that he used to be a certain way with you and that now he's gotten lazy and complacent. But from what you say, that's not exactly the case.

 

So it really does comes down to YOU. Your expectations of him have changed. When you married him, you were fine with the way he was, I assume. This man shows love for you but not in the way you'd like him too. It sounds to me like you've been VERY clear with him. He is unwilling or not capable of change. And that's why I say and have said, it comes down to you now. Are you willing to accept his brand of love? This is on you now. Not on him. You have to accept how he is or leave him. Because he will NOT change. I'd almost guarantee it.

 

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear but I hate to see you beating your head against the wall for nothing. You've done everything you can do. You've said he recently has gotten better. Is that enough of an improvement for you? What if he goes back to how he was? Can you accept how he is?

 

Think about the other ways in which you connect. Are you intellectually on the same level? Do you connect in other ways? Do you have the same goals? Do you have a compatible sense of humor? Are the ways in which you like to spend your leisure time compatible?

 

There are SO many other ways to connect. Can you focus on those?

 

Don't know if any of this helps you but I thought I'd throw it out there. These are things I've thought about in my own life when I start thinking "Oh, I wish he'd do more of this" or "I wish he were more like that."

 

It helped me to put things into perspective. And I never thought of it as "settling," only as being more realistic in my expectations.

[Touche]

By the way, did you two go out last night? Did you have a good time?

 

Also, wanted to let you know my PM won't work. I wrote admins by they haven't replied. Anyone else having a problem?

[a4a]

again OUTCAST I never have told my husband that he is worthless or shown him unappreciated. If he feeds the f-ing dogs I tell him thank you! If he unloads the dishwasher I say thank you! I do not say you suck because all you got me is a candy bar..... I say ohhhhh..... your sweet. Just because I post that I am unhappy with his actions here and say I would like more does not mean that I slap his face and say You stupid bastard all you got me was a candy bar! But feel free to continue to try to make me out to be a spoiled rotten bitch that just takes advantage of my H's good nature and that I expect too much...... and you know what I have the right to have expectations for myself and my marriage. I am damn good to him, I am worthy, and I deserve to be treated in a way that I like. Perhaps if more people felt this way their spouses would not beat them, have affairs, and feel free to walk all over them.

 

I have asked him to pay more attention to us, to our M. If he spent 1/100th of the energy or effort he puts into the lawn we would be on Dr. Phil as the perfect couple.

 

There is no person on this planet that I would rather be with then him. There is no other that compares to all the wonderful and idiotic things that makes him just him.

 

Craig he may have built in fears ect. I have offered all I can to reach out to him, I have offered MC, words, questions ect. Again many seem to think that I must jump up and down screaming "I am leaving you!" I am not. Far from it. As I told him, I am so glad we are married because this is a tough time, I think if we were not that we might have not try to work on us". I don't cry and have drama.... I explain and ask. I do not threaten him. Again I vent thoughts and ideas here on LS.

 

This is not a new thing, this did not pop up again on V-day. This has been going on for actually over 6 months. I think John is more right. He has gotten lazy and has taken advantage of our R.

 

Or as Dr. Phil says.... he has not made a deposit in a very long time.....

 

And to have expectations on V-day.... well he certainly enjoyed his gifts.......while I enjoyed my bowl of shredded wheat. Regardless of the day......like our Anniversary..... or my B-day..or just any tuesday.....no effort or planning is put into it. I let it slide......I did act grateful for the candy bar.....maybe that is the problem. He gets too much praise for the little things so maybe he thinks that he is TOO GOOD.

 

His life long friend of almost 30 years stated to me not long ago: I have never seen him so happy, talking so much, and enjoying life as he is now that he is with you. I must be doing something right for him.

 

I have built up his confidence, I have willingly busted my ass to please him, built a business, work side by side even digging ditches. So lay off my ass that I treat him so bad. Far from it.......far far from it. I am not perfect and god forbid if I have needs and expectations of him just like HE HAS OF ME. He would not tolerate a couch queen that was worried about breaking a nail, that was not willing to use a damn circular saw and put a roof on a barn or help him with a project he wants. I do those things because it makes him happy, it needs to be done........and come to think of it I cannot remember the last time he actually said "thank you" to me...... never thought of that until this exact moment. Damn that is an eye opener.

 

I don't think he even said thank you for his new coat that I bought for him for v-day. I know he did not say thank your for the shirt I picked up for him while on a business trip.... I remember he did not even bother, but he wears it and likes it. I groomed and worked with his horse yesterday (she is starting under saddle this spring, he wants her ready to ride) not a thank you.

 

So looky here a new twist to the equation. Perhaps instead of having a poor little unappreciated husband, maybe I have spoiled his ass rotten and he is actually the ungrateful one. Silly me beating the hell out of myself wondering what I do wrong, why I am not worthy. On the other hand I guess if he is spoiled rotten and unappreciative I did it, so again my fault, huh?

 

No matter what he does, does not do, or whatever problem he has it is my responsibility to fix it or just deal with it. While he goes about his life. Enough is enough. It is time for him to make a decision to participate, learn about me, put some effort into changing himself.

 

Dinner was good last night, we did enjoy ourselves. He was more attentive. Perhaps me asking him and telling him that I do want and need more from him

is finally getting through to him.

[Ladyjane14]

a4a has obviously told him clearly what she wants, it's nothing out of the ordinary - arranging a dinner for two something that should not be something that messes up your schedule - yet, he doesn't do it. And I don't think that it's because he doesn't like Valentine's day.

 

Another way to say that would be that he's not following specific directives....he's not doing as he's told.

 

Here' another example where he didn't do as he was told to do:

I actually said to him, when he asked what I wanted for v-day: "Don't bother to get me flowers or a card, I told you before making an effort and putting time and thought into something or a gift means more to me".

 

When a person refuses to do as you ask/tell them, it's possible that they are rebelling against a perceived control. Personally, I hardly EVER do as I'm told.

 

The beauty of not telling others what to do....is that they have no expectation of YOU following any of their directives either. That kind of dictatorial control is not an established part of the relationship protocol. "You do what you want, and I will do the same."

 

It sounds like you have an unmet EN for attention, a4a. Your husband doesn't always meet that need in the way that you would most recognize it as meaningful. Surely, there must be a way that you can help him meet your ENs without causing emotional division between the two of you.

 

Someone here at LS was using this quote in their signature line awhile back. I just love it, so I'll repeat it for you here:

 

"Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.

 

If your husband doesn't have the skills, he can be gently guided to learn them. If he doesn't have the innate ability to understand what it is that you want of him, no amount of "training" will make it so. IOW, a person who doesn't feel romance in his soul, he will always be aping his part. It'll always be a pretense, not part of his natural personality.

 

Either way, your anger when he fails will be destructive, causing an emotional rift between you two. You will be angry that your wishes weren't met, therefore he has not 'proved his love' for you. He will be angry because he feels inadaquate and found lacking.

 

Anyway, there's been some perception that we're 'blaming the victim' here. I assure you, that's not my intent. I've been married for nearly a quarter century now. I'm just honestly trying to pass a few hard won lessons to you. I've got no interest in pointing fingers at anybody. What works for me, works for me....not necessarily the best course for everyone else. But I do think it's 'food for thought' in your situation.

 

Peace.

[d'Arthez]

Once again you're taking things to the extreme. I think we are talking in the dimensions of arranging a romantic dinner once in a while, a nice walk together, some time to have a meaningful talk with each other. And it's not about having these things every day.

But if it is a habit, you expect it and it loses all value, and if you do not get it, it is valuable. The perfect insolvable problem. Now if said husband had done what was wished, did he do it because he was thoughtful or because he was coerced into it?

For said husband it was an obligation that was put on him, not one he freely chose to commit himself to. Once it is an obligation it simply loses its romantic aspects, the freely doing things because one enjoys doing them for one's loved one. The whole romantic idea is already destroyed by the expectation.

 

We can turn the argument around too. Why should you do a thing you detest to make your partner happy? Does your partner not make you unhappy if you are strongly coerced to do that? If a partner's desires weigh for more than your own, that too holds for your partner. And thus should you not insist on doing something your partner detests so strongly. That is, it leads to a mutual paralysis, and a lot of dissatisfaction.

 

The problem is the expectation. Because the expectation means you will get grumpy / angry once you get disappointed.

 

If I had called it 'directions' you would have also complained... a4a has obviously told him clearly what she wants, it's nothing out of the ordinary - arranging a dinner for two something that should not be something that messes up your schedule - yet, he doesn't do it.

It is not out of the ordinary, but I doubt that a4a's husband perceived it in the same way as you do (or as I do).

The moment the request is made, it is not a (romantic) surprise anymore. Which is what supposedly is what the charm is of a dinner for two.

 

I do not even know if a4a's husband did see this as a strong request to arrange for dinner, a suggestion, a possibility, or whatnot. I don't know why a4a's husband did not make the arrangements, if he saw this as a request in the first place.

 

And I don't think that it's because he doesn't like Valentine's day.

Valentine's day is the most awful day in the year. Because you are forced to cooperate with corporate insanity (all of which we know, yet we insist on being treated specially that day). Whatever you do, it is not enough. It is great to be reminded of your (romantic) inadequacy on such a day.

 

Ever wondered why the holidays are amongst the most stressful days in the year? Expectations, expectations. And I thought it was about the desire to make your partner happy, and thus not highly stressed about everything that can and will go wrong on a holiday.

[a4a]

 

So the problem in a nutshell is that you want to change him into something that he isn't and never was. It's never going to fly, A. You just can't change a person. I thought you were saying that he used to be a certain way with you and that now he's gotten lazy and complacent. But from what you say, that's not exactly the case.

 

.

 

 

No he did do things for me. He would go way out of his way to lend me a hand before we were married. He actually even made his friend get into a business transaction with me just so HE could see me again.

 

He helped me renovate my store before we were married. Drove all over hell and back without me even asking. He blew me away as I was not used to having so much help. He even pulled the manly thing like picking up heavy stuff for me..... which he did do last week as well.

 

So I would have to say he did change. He never was big for purchasing things but he would do things..... sweet wonderful time consuming things.

I do not require "things". He did get me some outdoor speakers for my riding arena but I asked to have them here at my new farm now........nada.

 

example however: my horse jumps are in the wood shop, he has yet to finish them.... 4 months.....not finished. He said he would. I have not pushed it.

I asked for a shoe shelf in the closet. Hey hon if you get time could you whip me up a shoe shelf? ...... it took 6 weeks with me nicely asking about it.

I have a stack of dead pets on my desk (cremated) He offered to make some nice urns for them as I was just going to order them..... Well my Goat died on Thanksgiving...... he is still in a zip loc on my desk. He spent 6 weeks not working......before x-mas, it was not a matter of not having the time to do one of these things.... I did get my shoe shelf. I have mentioned the urns to him......nicely........nada.

[Touche]

No he did do things for me. He would go way out of his way to lend me a hand before we were married. He actually even made his friend get into a business transaction with me just so HE could see me again.

 

He helped me renovate my store before we were married. Drove all over hell and back without me even asking. He blew me away as I was not used to having so much help. He even pulled the manly thing like picking up heavy stuff for me..... which he did do last week as well.

 

So I would have to say he did change. He never was big for purchasing things but he would do things..... sweet wonderful time consuming things.

I do not require "things". He did get me some outdoor speakers for my riding arena but I asked to have them here at my new farm now........nada.

 

example however: my horse jumps are in the wood shop, he has yet to finish them.... 4 months.....not finished. He said he would. I have not pushed it.

I asked for a shoe shelf in the closet. Hey hon if you get time could you whip me up a shoe shelf? ...... it took 6 weeks with me nicely asking about it.

I have a stack of dead pets on my desk (cremated) He offered to make some nice urns for them as I was just going to order them..... Well my Goat died on Thanksgiving...... he is still in a zip loc on my desk. He spent 6 weeks not working......before x-mas, it was not a matter of not having the time to do one of these things.... I did get my shoe shelf. I have mentioned the urns to him......nicely........nada.

 

 

Ok, you said he DID pick up some heavy stuff last week. And you said you DID get your shoe shelf. See? He's doing some of what you've asked...some of the type of things he used to do..things that require time and effort. He's just not doing ALL of what you asked. But NO husband does ALL of what we ask...I mean if there's one out there, I'd like to meet him.

 

It took him weeks to get around to the shoe shelf so maybe it will take him a little more time to get around to doing the other things you asked. Does he have less time than he did then?

[witabix]

a4a just read through some of your posts and a few of the replies.

 

You've been together a long time.

 

I don't understand why this kind of thing happens, Craig I think, made some good points.

 

For me its like building blocks.

 

You try to build something, but sometimes the blocks just don't fit. You can either keep on trying to build with something that is not quite what you want, or stop.

 

I stopped, too much effort and no payback, reelationships are a form of transaction. The 'currency', or investment has to have a payback.

 

Who would invest money in a bank that was always closed, sent out intermittant garbled statements and didn't pay interest on your savings?

 

I wouldn't, I would withdraw my savings and close the account.

[Art_Critic]

I stopped, too much effort and no payback, reelationships are a form of transaction. The 'currency', or investment has to have a payback.

 

Who would invest money in a bank that was always closed, sent out intermittant garbled statements and didn't pay interest on your savings?

 

I wouldn't, I would withdraw my savings and close the account.

 

Damn... the only thing I can say is " Amen "

 

Great analogy Witibix

[Craig]

a4a, what is he spending his time on now? Is he a busy guy? Stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this.

[loony]

But if it is a habit' date=' you expect it and it loses all value, and if you do not get it, it is valuable. [/quote']

In the same argumentative way I could say that dinner for two is not romantic, because millions of people do it. Therefore if you want to do something unique then fly to Pluto - doesn't seem very reasonable, does it?

 

The perfect insolvable problem. Now if said husband had done what was wished, did he do it because he was thoughtful or because he was coerced into it?

Honestly, if this starts to turn into a ethical and moral problem than there is more than a little bit wrong in a relationship. In any relationship it's a giving and a taking and sometimes you just give in a bit to make your partner happy. If my partner would like me to do something and it's not a big deal for me, I'd do it even if its personal value for me is zero. Normal people in happy relationships do want to make their partner happy and if one is so reluctant it would make me think that he has a personal issue with it.

 

For said husband it was an obligation that was put on him, not one he freely chose to commit himself to.

As far as I understood it he willingly agreed to some activities like arranging the dinner. And he admitted that he was wrong for not doing it. Even if he has a problem with it, shouldn't he have the guts to stand up for himself and say that he doesn't like doing it instead of displaying this kind of passive-aggressiveness? If he considers the things expected of him to be obligations and he doesn't like doing them, shouldn't it be his part of the responsibility in the relationship to say clearly what he wants and what he doesn't want? Is a4a now forced to mindguess and divine what her beloved spouse is thinking? Is she a clairvoyant who must be able to read his mind?

 

We can turn the argument around too. Why should you do a thing you detest to make your partner happy? Does your partner not make you unhappy if you are strongly coerced to do that? If a partner's desires weigh for more than your own, that too holds for your partner. And thus should you not insist on doing something your partner detests so strongly.

If he hates arranging a dinner for two then maybe he should look for another partner. I'd detest if my partner obliged me to run a marathon with me, but in my opinion that is different to taking a walk or spend quality time together in other ways. I'm not much into sports and if you expect me to run with you in order to show my affection for you, you're nuts to have married me. Once again we are not talking about extraordinary stuff.

 

I do not even know if a4a's husband did see this as a strong request to arrange for dinner, a suggestion, a possibility, or whatnot. I don't know why a4a's husband did not make the arrangements, if he saw this as a request in the first place.

So, hints are not allowed and directions are also not allowed. Which leaves us to, well, mind reading. And people tell me all the time that communication is so important in a relationship.

 

Valentine's day is the most awful day in the year.

It seems that Valentine's day is not the only reason why a4a is so angry. But I agree though, there are way too many expectations floating her and I think when I read her post about Valentine's day I also thought she was expecting too much.

[a4a]

Ok, you said he DID pick up some heavy stuff last week. And you said you DID get your shoe shelf. See? He's doing some of what you've asked...some of the type of things he used to do..things that require time and effort. He's just not doing ALL of what you asked. But NO husband does ALL of what we ask...I mean if there's one out there, I'd like to meet him.

 

It took him weeks to get around to the shoe shelf so maybe it will take him a little more time to get around to doing the other things you asked. Does he have less time than he did then?

 

Yeah he did after I asked because I unloaded feed and my back is shot right now, shuffling 50lb bags of grain is kinda a no no right now. But then again I will ask him to help me move hay like last night...the hay is not moved and those weigh 600lb, so guess who is moving hay today. There is 150lb of feed on my porch......he suggested I use the wheel barrow to move them one at a time. Now I am laughing because I am wondering if he thinks they will just float into the feed bins Even funnier on our way to dinner last night my back was crapped out driving in the truck, every bump felt like a screw driver stabbing me. I mentioned it to him that I probably should not have moved that bag of feed earlier..... and now I realize later at dinner he suggested I move 3 more with the wheel barrow

Wow another eye opener If that is a lack of emotional needs being met on my part.....my goodness! I am insane!! Goodness I am too needy and expect way too much from him!

 

I have got to say this discussion is making realize that either he just is dense or just must not really care.

 

And yes he made the shoe shelf, after I nicely badgered him about it. And I love that shoe shelf.....it is great and he knows it made my day!

 

I guess I am just tired of him not giving a shyt. This whole grain ordeal is really funny........ I mean think about it...... That so puts it in perspective of his general attitude towards me.

 

I am actually so laughing right now.

Oh honey I am sorry that you hurt your back lugging grain down to the barn. Why don't you go ahead and use the wheel barrow to move the other 3 bags! :lmao: Now that is LOVE! :lmao:

[Craig]

a4a why not hire someone to do the harder work around the place?

[loony]

I've seen this, too. A full grown man who is physically way stronger than the woman trying to wiggle his way out of work. I don't know when they change, but often I find boys in their teens to act more like gentlemen than grown-up men. I also noticed when I traveled that it's mostly women who offer their help if you have problems carrying your baggage upstairs while men often don't really care.

[a4a]

a4a, what is he spending his time on now? Is he a busy guy? Stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this.

 

He generally puts in 36- 45 hours per week, today he is working, I actually was going to go with him but a job got nixed so an employee was able to assist him instead of me. Weekends off.

 

His home life consists of occassionally helping out... empty the dishwasher, fill a dog food bowl, or he may even feed the horses for me if I am not here or if we are going out ect. He will make his own meals if I am not hungry or do not feel like eating what he wants.

 

In general no. I would say he is not slammed at all. He had 1 job on V-day that he chose to stay and finish until 7pm.........That is not normal.

 

He spends his spare time doing what he wants in the wood shop or watching TV. He was off for 6 weeks.....he played in the wood shop.

 

I take care of taxes, bills/paperwork in general, problems that arise.

[Craig]

Ok, so why not hire someone to help out?

[a4a]

a4a why not hire someone to do the harder work around the place?

 

 

I would love to but it is not in the budget now. I run this farm under my own financial power. It is a NPO. I run $3,200 a month in feed, vet, farrier bills. Just not a penny to spare..... but I don't mind the harder work....just my back is crap right now. I can usually manage. Hell I may only be 120LB but I can flip one of those hay bales under pure muscle power when needed! I actually do like the crap work. In a odd way it is fulfilling to look out and say

"I built that with my own hands"..... But I admit I am not doing well because of things like moving the bags of grain, back needs to rest for awhile.

[Craig]

I would love to but it is not in the budget now. I run this farm under my own financial power. It is a NPO. I run $3,200 a month in feed, vet, farrier bills. Just not a penny to spare..... but I don't mind the harder work....just my back is crap right now. I can usually manage. Hell I may only be 120LB but I can flip one of those hay bales under pure muscle power when needed! I actually do like the crap work. In a odd way it is fulfilling to look out and say

"I built that with my own hands"..... But I admit I am not doing well because of things like moving the bags of grain, back needs to rest for awhile.

Alright, I understand the attraction to the physical side of the work (if that is what you are saying). How about using some of that awesome brain power of yours to come up with ways to make the work less taxing on your body?

 

For centuries farmers and ranchers have been inventors and innovators making and creating things that could not be bought in any store to make their job easier.

 

Do you have a welder on the farm? If so what kind is it? Gas, arc, mig, tig? Do you know how to weld?

 

You had a challenge with a bridge not so long ago did you figure that out yet?

 

Hey you're a farmer/rancher now and you have to be able to do these things. How are your wood and metal working skills?

[a4a]

Alright, I understand the attraction to the physical side of the work (if that is what you are saying). How about using some of that awesome brain power of yours to come up with ways to make the work less taxing on your body?

 

For centuries farmers and ranchers have been inventors and innovators making and creating things that could not be bought in any store to make their job easier.

 

Do you have a welder on the farm? If so what kind is it? Gas, arc, mig, tig? Do you know how to weld?

 

You had a challenge with a bridge not so long ago did you figure that out yet?

 

Hey you're a farmer/rancher now and you have to be able to do these things. How are your wood and metal working skills?

 

:lmao: normally I do use the tractor to do the heavy work, but alas right now I have 4 foals stuck in my way because the new pasture fencing is still not finished..rain hold up.... and you still have to carry or walk the feed into the feed room to dump it in anti- mice bins. AND THIS MUD!

 

Why yes there is a welder in the shop..... and golly gee I have asked my H to please make a hay pick....which would certainly be much easier to move hay then to use just the front end loader. I was going to buy one......however he stated he would simply build one. I have asked H to show me how to weld.....

he said he would but just does not because the tank is shoved way in the corner behind other equip. I am learning about plasma cutters/torches right now on my own

 

The wood shop is the man fort. I will and have gotten "bitched at" for entering the secret fortress I can respect that it is his space and he likes his shop the way he likes it and his tools are his. Like my office.... I understand it.

 

There is so much mud from constant rain here I cannot get the truck down to the barn, even the 4wd one tears up the ground...... the tractor dug huge ruts when I moved the last two bales. It is just sucky to attempt to get things done with this poor weather and mud pit. Very abnormal weather here.

I hope this mud is a short term ordeal.

 

But normally there is a good system I run. Certain things like flipping hay rings has to be done by hand, or dumping grain. No choice....mud or no mud. There is no machine in the world that can stack bales of hay properly. Or dump 50 gal water tanks that have to be cleaned. I have been doing this since the age of 5, but on a high dollar horse farm. But thank you for the suggestion of working smarter

 

I love my job, just need a bit of a hand for a short time is all.... maybe 45 minutes per week.

 

I have a sudden strange urge to put lingerie on the goats and let the people driving by really wonder what we do here