Disappointed again........ :-(

[witabix]

[quote name=a4aI have a sudden strange urge to put lingerie on the goats and let the people driving by really wonder what we do here [/quote]

 

This has to be the funniest thing I have ever read on LS!!!

 

:lmao: :lmao:

 

Het a4a, visit darkest Ireland, it happens here!!!!

[a4a]

I stopped, too much effort and no payback, reelationships are a form of transaction. The 'currency', or investment has to have a payback.

 

Who would invest money in a bank that was always closed, sent out intermittant garbled statements and didn't pay interest on your savings?

 

I wouldn't, I would withdraw my savings and close the account.

 

Well this makes great sense...and this is exactly what I have concluded. It is a matter of giving up hope I guess. I hate to do that, and I know once the door shuts there is no return. And I got to deal with this property crap....... ugh...... or I can tolerate it and just hire a pool boy I wonder how many people do that, and if it works for them?

 

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get stockings and garters on a goat

[Outcast]

I love my job, just need a bit of a hand for a short time is all.... maybe 45 minutes per week.

 

Now wouldn't life be much better if, rather than spending much more than 45 minutes writing about all your grievances, you hired a high school kid to help you for a couple of hours a week? It may not be in your budget to have staff but you certainly could afford a few hours' wages for a couple young strong guys plus you'd be helping them out by paying them some dough.

 

I think that you are going to ruin this relationship with a man you admit you'd rather be with than anyone else because you have decided that you have 'rights' which must be honoured. You admit that he does things you ask even though it takes him a while. You admit he'll do unbidden sweet things for you. But still it's not enough.

 

What part of this do people not get?

 

Once it is an obligation it simply loses its romantic aspects, the freely doing things because one enjoys doing them for one's loved one. The whole romantic idea is already destroyed by the expectation.

 

Here is your problem:

 

my H would care enough to really plan something out for me for V-day

 

You have set up symbolic acts which he must perform to prove he 'cares enough'. When he does not perform them, your conclusion is that he does not 'care enough'. You can continue basing your thoughts on false assumptions and erroneous calculations, or you can accept that just because YOU have set the condition that 'setting up a romantic dinner = cares for me' doesn't mean that it's a valid condition.

 

And I'm hearing you refusing to believe that perhaps this could be an invalid condition. You insist it's your 'RIGHT' to get exactly what you want, how you want it and when you want it. And you're wrong. It's not. But continue working yourself into anger over it, drop him, and lose this guy:

There is no person on this planet that I would rather be with then him. There is no other that compares to all the wonderful and idiotic things that makes him just him

 

And when you find out that the next guy you marry hasn't half the good qualities your guy has, you will be one of the LSers whining about 'I want him back'.

 

Because, girlie, there's no man with a backbone that can or will do your bidding the way you're expecting it. And you don't want one of those self-effacing ones who drops everything to do everything for his woman. You can't have both.

[witabix]

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get stockings and garters on a goat

 

Thankfully no!

 

Harder on a snake though!

 

[a4a]

Now wouldn't life be much better if, rather than spending much more than 45 minutes writing about all your grievances, you hired a high school kid to help you for a couple of hours a week? It may not be in your budget to have staff but you certainly could afford a few hours' wages for a couple young strong guys plus you'd be helping them out by paying them some dough.

 

 

 

I think that you are going to ruin this relationship with a man you admit you'd rather be with than anyone else because you have decided that you have 'rights' which must be honoured. You admit that he does things you ask even though it takes him a while. You admit he'll do unbidden sweet things for you. But still it's not enough.

 

What part of this do people not get?

 

 

 

Here is your problem:

 

 

 

You have set up symbolic acts which he must perform to prove he 'cares enough'. When he does not perform them, your conclusion is that he does not 'care enough'. You can continue basing your thoughts on false assumptions and erroneous calculations, or you can accept that just because YOU have set the condition that 'setting up a romantic dinner = cares for me' doesn't mean that it's a valid condition.

 

And I'm hearing you refusing to believe that perhaps this could be an invalid condition. You insist it's your 'RIGHT' to get exactly what you want, how you want it and when you want it. And you're wrong. It's not. But continue working yourself into anger over it, drop him, and lose this guy:

 

And when you find out that the next guy you marry hasn't half the good qualities your guy has, you will be one of the LSers whining about 'I want him back'.

 

Because, girlie, there's no man with a backbone that can or will do your bidding the way you're expecting it. And you don't want one of those self-effacing ones who drops everything to do everything for his woman. You can't have both.

 

I was going to reply to you. But it seems your only point is to say the relationships problems are all my fault. I have to wonder if this is a personal issue that you have with me. I would prefer that you kept your preaching to yourself. At least others here can state why they form their opinions, such as long marriages, or Touche going thru rough waters.

 

This is not helpful to me or to many others you do this to. Your communication skills suck girlie IMHO. And you are just plain mean. You seem more upset over my relationship than I am myself.

 

And btw it is his horse out there that I feed as well....with my money, my time, and my physical power.

Why would he not be able to help out for 45 minutes a week. Funny I am doing his taxes right now.....hummm.

[JamesM]

a4a, I know that you think Outcast is mean spirited, but as a guy, I see some validity in it. I have seen guys who have tried to do everything that their woman wanted. One in particular is now divorced because his wife said he had no backbone. Just a thought. His romantic gestures meant nothing after awhile because they WERE what she wanted, not an unexpected surprise.

 

I also see when I read some of your posts that you are setting criteria for him to meet, and then you say he is the greatest guy in the world. I am not sure where you are coming from with this.

 

I definitely agree that he should be doing much more to help you especially with the lifting. I see him as a passive type who needs shoves. My guess is that this has always been there, but you looked at the positive before marriage. He needs marriage counseling as a way to explain what he needs to see before you tell him. Duties and helping is one thing...he needs to improve. Romantic gestures...another thing. Only proper communication will improve this. He definitely needs initiative here, too. I am also guessing that you are a much more assertive person than him. You may have seen this as a positive because then you knew he would not try to control you. Now you see it as laziness (which part of it appears to be).

 

You mention him escaping to his workshop. Is this a bit of avoidance? Avoiding you and possibly what he thinks is criticism? I am guessing you are direct with him. He probably tries to avoid conflict. Escaping is his way of dealing...not good of course.

 

What would I do if I were you? Hard to do because I am a guy. Let me rephrase it...what would I want you to do if you were my wife? First, I am incredibly jealous of the amount of intimacy he gets from you. Reading the massage thread sent me flying on a plane all over the USA last night looking for you! Seriously (actually that was), believe it or not, continual reminding...aka nagging...can be a method that works. You may be an old hat at this already. I know I have learned what duties are important to my wife from this. Part of me doesn't liike it, but it works. And then hugs and kisses as praise do wonders. And statements of how that just made your life easier. Oh, by reminding, I mean to keep telling him "did you get the shelf done?" "Remember you were doing the shelf today?" By the way, I am a routine guy. I like to plan my evening before it arrives. So, telling him in the morning has him putting it on his list again, if he forgot. Since I am not your husband (dang it), I cannot tell if this will work for him, but it has for me.

 

Keep hanging in there. If he is worth it, this wil be worth it.

[a4a]

a4a, I know that you think Outcast is mean spirited, but as a guy, I see some validity in it. I have seen guys who have tried to do everything that their woman wanted. One in particular is now divorced because his wife said he had no backbone. Just a thought. His romantic gestures meant nothing after awhile because they WERE what she wanted, not an unexpected surprise.

 

This is way off. He certainly has a backbone and I see him as more of a man by him wanting to please me, and the more I want to please him. That is why I do see him as my equal. I think he is well balanced as a man..... not a wimp not a macho ass.

I think Outcast is way off base.....maybe not for herself, but for me yes. I am not her, I will not lower my expectations....I do love and value myself. There is no reason in the world why I would go without and end up really hating my H in the long run. Is that not why people go to MC, to learn how to fulfill needs and deal with each other....not just one goes comes home and says... "well honey, I don't need a thing from this M. So whatever you say or do..... well okey dokey. I don't expect you to do a thing.... just be yourself, I will adjust..." talk about not having a backbone... My H would lose interest in me in a heartbeat.

 

Again this is not about romantic gestures......this is about taking the time and effort to place some importance on things that I find important. So people thinking that flowers should be fine for v-day......it has nothing to do with the F-ing flowers. It is a matter of being there when I need him, being there to lend a hand without me having to beat him over the head. It is a matter of him doing things for me. And he was good he just kinda got lost in the last year and needs or needed a tug to remind him to get back on track. If I would have posted that I want cuddling, or him to tell me he loves me those expectations certainly would not have been dismissed as unreasonable. But asking for gestures of love, like planning a date nite for us is? That is confusing to me. Asking your H to participate in your relationship with an active role in which you find pleasure and you give him pleasure is unreasonable?...... makes no sense.

 

I also see when I read some of your posts that you are setting criteria for him to meet, and then you say he is the greatest guy in the world. I am not sure where you are coming from with this.

 

I am saying he is a super guy.....he just is not paying attention to what is going on. Although he just called and said he wants to fix it. Now that is very stud muffin like! That takes a real man to do that.

 

I definitely agree that he should be doing much more to help you especially with the lifting. I see him as a passive type who needs shoves. My guess is that this has always been there, but you looked at the positive before marriage. He needs marriage counseling as a way to explain what he needs to see before you tell him. Duties and helping is one thing...he needs to improve. Romantic gestures...another thing. Only proper communication will improve this. He definitely needs initiative here, too. I am also guessing that you are a much more assertive person than him. You may have seen this as a positive because then you knew he would not try to control you. Now you see it as laziness (which part of it appears to be).

 

He just said on the phone that he was not "there for me", but he did not understand exactly what I needed.... I must have gotten through to him. It is a start.

 

You mention him escaping to his workshop. Is this a bit of avoidance? Avoiding you and possibly what he thinks is criticism? I am guessing you are direct with him. He probably tries to avoid conflict. Escaping is his way of dealing...not good of course.

 

He is not escaping to his workshop, he loves it. I encourage it. I may get my horse jumps finished that way! Just like I may spend hours in the barn.

 

I do not criticize him. I will be direct if he askes a question. Actually I rave about how wonderful he is to him. I only asked that he start to pay attention to me in a way that I like and want again. I have to think that people think I am some sort of meanie to him. Far from it. I am only asking to be treated in the fashion that I would like. I do expect it. And if I let it go in months or years I would end up resenting him, or possibly want to get it from another person.

 

 

What would I do if I were you? Hard to do because I am a guy. Let me rephrase it...what would I want you to do if you were my wife? First, I am incredibly jealous of the amount of intimacy he gets from you. Reading the masturbation thread sent me flying on a plane all over the USA last night looking for you! Seriously (actually that was), believe it or not, continual reminding...aka nagging...can be a method that works. You may be an old hat at this already. I know I have learned what duties are important to my wife from this. Part of me doesn't liike it, but it works. And then hugs and kisses as praise do wonders. And statements of how that just made your life easier. Oh, by reminding, I mean to keep telling him "did you get the shelf done?" "Remember you were doing the shelf today?" By the way, I am a routine guy. I like to plan my evening before it arrives. So, telling him in the morning has him putting it on his list again, if he forgot. Since I am not your husband (dang it), I cannot tell if this will work for him, but it has for me.

 

I really have a hard time with "nagging" I so hate it, and I actually do expect him to do what he says he is going to do. I did tease him about going to the bank for him...... said "I forgot" That is his normal line about small things.

 

I thought I saw a plane circling last night! dag! I wondered what was up with the naked guy hanging out the hatch door?

 

Can women not really be happy on their own? You must have one even if that means not having what you want out of life? not this cookie.

 

 

Thank you John! see ya in the sky

\

[JamesM]

Sounds like you are having positive improvements...Great!

 

Thanks for reading all of my comments. I see that some are way off base. These are my assumptions based on my reading and you know what you do when you assume?

 

It also looks like the more you write and read, the more you understand what you are dealing with...that is good.

 

And I would like to say that when I read this thread, I am being helped with my own relationship. Hearing you comment about what he ain't doing while saying what a great guy he is....well, I see some of his failings in me. I am thinking about how to improve...for me, not her. But maybe that will be the end result.

 

Yes. women can be happy in life. I think that many of the posts here have said that...they just go about saying how you should get there differently. For some people one thing works...for others another. My hope is that something here will work for you, and improve your relationship.

 

As for you thinking he is a meanie. I do realize that you are venting here, but remember, this is all that we know of you. Bear with us when we make judgment calls based in your venting.

 

"Nagging" can be done in a good way. Yes, he should do what he says he will do, but he is human and full of faults...like we all are. From experience when I look back, I can see that the constant reminders my wife gave me definitely improved my ability to remember what I said I would do. Things like laundry, vacuuming, and dishes now are regular routines for me while she works...not son in the past. Do I always need reminders? No, but the reminders communicate to me what SHE thinks is priority in HER life. And since I truly want to make her happy...when possible... I put these things at the top of my list. If I did not know that a clean kitchen and a clean floor mean alot to her in the morning when she comes home from work...she feels relaxed... I would not worry about doing them first because these things do not have the same effect on me. My point? As you have said you do, the communication of priorities effectively should help produce the desired results.

 

Can you imagine what it would be like doing it in the sky while freefalling?

[a4a]

John I hope it does help you in some way!

 

I tell you what just writing this here has helped tremedously. Give it a go!

 

Free Falling Sex...hummmm.... my only worry would be you get too involved and forget to pull the rip cord

 

My H has called me 5 times in 2 hours...... amazing. Truly amazing. Told me he always loved my sexy voice from the first time he ever spoke to me.

 

His dinner is made, his pajamas are in the dryer so they will be toasty warm when WE get out of the shower.... I will wash his hair (he loves that), tend to other Things while in the shower with him, and get him dressed, get his dinner set, then rub his butt,.... oh I meant back.

 

That bastard better get me my camel!

[JamesM]

One quick comment...your arrogance showed thru. What makes you think I would be too involved? You may not care whether you are falling or rising! LOL

[faithfulgirlie]

Lucky you, I didn't even get a single rose......:-(

[Touche]

Yeah he did after I asked because I unloaded feed and my back is shot right now, shuffling 50lb bags of grain is kinda a no no right now. But then again I will ask him to help me move hay like last night...the hay is not moved and those weigh 600lb, so guess who is moving hay today. There is 150lb of feed on my porch......he suggested I use the wheel barrow to move them one at a time. Now I am laughing because I am wondering if he thinks they will just float into the feed bins Even funnier on our way to dinner last night my back was crapped out driving in the truck, every bump felt like a screw driver stabbing me. I mentioned it to him that I probably should not have moved that bag of feed earlier..... and now I realize later at dinner he suggested I move 3 more with the wheel barrow

Wow another eye opener If that is a lack of emotional needs being met on my part.....my goodness! I am insane!! Goodness I am too needy and expect way too much from him!

 

I have got to say this discussion is making realize that either he just is dense or just must not really care.

 

And yes he made the shoe shelf, after I nicely badgered him about it. And I love that shoe shelf.....it is great and he knows it made my day!

 

I guess I am just tired of him not giving a shyt. This whole grain ordeal is really funny........ I mean think about it...... That so puts it in perspective of his general attitude towards me.

 

I am actually so laughing right now.

Oh honey I am sorry that you hurt your back lugging grain down to the barn. Why don't you go ahead and use the wheel barrow to move the other 3 bags! :lmao: Now that is LOVE! :lmao:

 

 

SEE, he DOES care! He suggested the wheelbarrow because he's concerned about your back!

[a4a]

One quick comment...your arrogance showed thru. What makes you think I would be too involved? You may not care whether you are falling or rising! LOL

 

Well lets put this way I know that you would be rising .....

[a4a]

Things appear to be on the mend..... I think he got it. Weekend of hot sex and painting!

 

Why do I still feel like I am trying to communicate with Helen Keller......

WAAAAAAA TA TA TA ERRRRRRRRRRRRR

[bigbrowneyes]

Hey a4a,

 

I didn't read all the post...so many....but I recommend reading the book "The Five Love Languages." It's an easy read and can help you understand you spouse...especially since he declares how much he loves you. I wish I would have read this book years ago.

[blind_otter]

yeah well you can forgive a lot if they lress your buttons the right way. It's the truth!!!

 

My Dad, bless his heart, married for almost 40 years now....said THIS weekend that the best way to get along with a woman is to learn how to press her buttons the right way. Then she'll pretty much forgive anything. I have to expect he has learned this through the intense experience of being married to my insane mother for so long without cheating.

 

Hell, for me it's hot sex and jewelry/shoes. What can I say? I'm a woman.

 

I read through the weekend's posts. Which wavered between hilerious and puzzling. I hope things are going your way finally, a4a, you deserve it. It's the love oscilloscope, baby.

[a4a]

Thank Otter! I think it will get better.

I did leave out the 5 minute spat we had The SOB smashed my hay ring with the tractor It must have been his subconcious hatred for me forcing him to help move the hay

 

Something very strange is going on with him: We were discussing MY ideal "date nite" I suggested to be surprised with a nice dinner out at a place with fresh linens on the tables. Jokingly offered to hide under the table and blow him..... he asked if I have done this before..... I did not answer.... He actually got jealous thinking I had done this with another man before I met him ( I never have but his lil jealousy fit was interesting).

 

Oh yeah and I shaved his balls yesterday............. :lmao: How is that for an entertaining way to spend a cold afternoon!

[witabix]

Oh yeah and I shaved his balls yesterday............. :lmao: How is that for an entertaining way to spend a cold afternoon!

 

He is a brave man, given your thoughts at the moment.

 

Were you tempted? Or have you got some vet gear you wanted to use?

 

"Get a4a's home vasectomy kit" suitable for men who wont buy you a camel! :lmao: :lmao:

 

Hope you are ok a4a.

[It's all good]

Come on girlz, it's time to get pissed!

 

They smooth talk us and wine and dine us until they get what they want....we get married then they turn into different people. We still need that...even after years of marriage. I am sick of doing ALL the work in every department!

[Becoming]

Fear and anger are the two most primitive emotions maybe because they are helpful in surviving a primitive world but they persist in unreasonable and irrational ways in humans today. Hey, its what is and we have to work with what we are given. Humans also are rather good at distorting their personal reality and repressing disturbing emotions.

 

I believe that your H may have an underlying fear, probably barely aware of it that was born out of his early life experiences. One way to suppress (avoid) fear is to overcompensate in other areas and from what I understand your H may fit that description.

 

Meeting success through overcompensating can be as seductive as the high provided by crack or heroin and so a positive reinforcement cycle begins. Avoid the fear by focusing effort on other areas, get good at them, get rewarded, and repeat. Possibly he is thinking that if he is so highly skilled in these other areas that the area that he associates with fear will be overlooked by a partner.

 

You come along, he falls madly in love with you and then you want something from him that he has been avoiding all these years. He is afraid, maybe he doesn’t even recognize his fear but I think it could be there. Then you start asking (demanding) that he come face to face with the things that caused him to overcompensate in the first place. You want him to venture into the unknown all the while hinting that you may leave him…WTF…he doesn’t feel secure. He has you now, if he bares his emotional soft underbelly to you what guarantee does he have that he won’t get hurt? I think he is afraid to be fully vulnerable with you and really who wouldn’t? Why should he trust someone that has threatened to leave? If he is going to get hurt and lose this relationship at least he can minimize the pain by not visiting the scary areas of his emotions that he has avoided for so many years. Besides, maybe if he overcompensates in some other area(s) you might just stop asking him to confront these areas he has so successfully avoided until now. 

 

 

Trust, complete trust is something that he may not be experiencing right now. That is your assignment right now—to gain his complete trust and only then venture into other areas that are threatening to him.

 

Getting your H to be a specific way means getting him to change, changing him means changing yourself too. You have some success with him and it’s important to constantly reinforce those successes at least in the beginning. Eventually, I think he’ll grow accustomed to the changes and actually enjoy them as they open up new and positive experiences for him. You may not be trying to change him so much as get him in touch with what is probably the real him.

 

Of course I may be completely wrong.

 

 

I agree with Wit about Craig's post here: I think he's really onto something. But I think it's probably not something H will be in touch with enough to be able to talk about.

 

Obviously, the guy trusts you if he's letting you shave his balls.

 

 

But here's where I'm baffled by Craig's response and others like it. (Not to slam you Craig. I usually appreciate your wisdom, I hope ya know. ):

 

Alright, I understand the attraction to the physical side of the work (if that is what you are saying). How about using some of that awesome brain power of yours to come up with ways to make the work less taxing on your body?

 

For centuries farmers and ranchers have been inventors and innovators making and creating things that could not be bought in any store to make their job easier.

 

Do you have a welder on the farm? If so what kind is it? Gas, arc, mig, tig? Do you know how to weld?

 

You had a challenge with a bridge not so long ago did you figure that out yet?

 

Hey you're a farmer/rancher now and you have to be able to do these things. How are your wood and metal working skills?

 

 

WTF????? :confused: The woman is saying she's tired of doing most of the relational work and now we want her to be an inventor as well as a goat dresser? Geez! :lmao:

[Craig]

WTF????? :confused: The woman is saying she's tired of doing most of the relational work and now we want her to be an inventor as well as a goat dresser? Geez! :lmao:

Becoming it's not like a4a has to shave the goats too, so she has enough time.

 

Come to think of it a herd of shaved goats dressed in lacy black thongs and garter belts could be quite the tourist attraction.

[a4a]

Well H is up to a new test now. I got dragged into a very very serious local political issue. ( back to war on the side of the underdog). I told H he has to stand up with me, I need back up and him to be more understanding. I truly thought I was done with the battles, but dragged in on this one.......but happily dust off my sword......but man this is going to get deep and ugly. I hope he can hold on because this is going to be a Norma Rae ordeal....... He is going to end up without so much attention, and much less focus on us, by me.

 

now I may shave the goats, but they do not have balls so I do not have to shave that area, that is a real time saver!!!

 

 

a4a- here I go again...........